Aiko

Just to.let you know nearly sirte but los valueo of exchange rates...

Sortd it out got the funds back...
Bloked it in intermediary bank in USA.
They have been reading my Co e-mails and someone impersonated my boss. And went for me.... am accountant of lawiers
They study the e-mails the Bxxxxxxxs.
Life isa booomerang!!!!

My boss is back on friday and am dreading it,.
he is going to scream his head off!!!!!!!!
Will have to bite the bulet!
We have to put measures... we were lucky!

Been to police station and got police going trough my computer to find the IP origin to pass on to interpol!

Am struggling with anxiety and have more blanks I forget words constantly... I need a break pretty soon or I colapse!

My eyea fall night night XO

wpainterw

Aiko:
I finally figured it was your company's funds and not your personal funds. You should not be blamed if criminals hacked your computer! There is too much stress for you on that job! I thought you said you were leaving it. That you had a good bye party to celebrate that. Anyway, take care. Every good wish to you. Sobriety, etc. is the only really important thing. Everything else depends on it.

Bill.

trachemys

Hey Aiko! You're doing great!

Really, you got through this major stress without drugs or drink! That's progress!

Keep it up!

Soberwolf

Glad they didn't get away with it Aiko

Aiko

O my Goddddd
My spelling
Just read what I wrotte the other day!!!
I can not understand it myself

I am awake now but will start pretty soon!

The fraud has costed 6,000 € exchange rates etc.
The bank always wins :/

I had the day off, my nerves were up the wall!!!!
The pills are making my brain slow down, I keep on forgetting things!!!
But am unable to be completely off
Am accepting I can not do it on my own
I will have to take a short break and detox yet again!
But have to stop working and I can not right now.

I been to the Hamman in Malaga please have a look on the net, is absolutely another world... relax candels...
I took only one pill, my friend threatened me
But I am going to one as soon as I park the car!

Got to go... XO

Hawkeye13

Why take a pill when you get to enjoy baths and massages like that?

You were lucky this time Aiko, but I really hope you choose to quit risking
your life, job, and future on addiction.

It isn't worth it and you have so much beautiful sober life to live.

trachemys

Aiko, if work makes you take pills...stop.

Soberwolf

What do you mean by your friend threatened you aiko are you safe x ?

And I'm confused by unable to be completely off the pills ? are these prescribed by a dr ?

I had a look on the net and the place looks really serene & calm

Aiko

I recognize NOW it am an addict !!!

My friend threatened me before the spa if I took one more she would be very very angry with me...
Whilst she is drinking wine and can not stop.
she can not understand how I manage to overcome alcoholism and not others.
But the thing is my dad has lost his head with alcohol and maybe that is why I stopped drinking,...

I am very worried now!
My dead brother turned up in my dream last night!
Afther so many years he came to see me to warm me of something!
but I did not listened as I was so scared I prayed for him to go back to the other plane!!!
But we ended up hugging and I said how sorry I was and I loved him!
But I missed the message-------------------------!
And I knew I was dreaming in the dream, crazy!
and am worried.
What I am concerned;
why did he come after so many years to see me???

I will find out :/

In the meantime I am at it!
I need to find time off to get looked up again...
say to my family that I am going on holiday again...................
I got tones of work how am I going to disappear???
But my head is each day worse... my memory is gone!
Am slower by day

But I have to keep on going!!!

Night night and big Hug!
XO

wpainterw

Aiko:
This is what puzzles and also worries me (among lots of other things):

I need to find time off to get looked up again...
say to my family that I am going on holiday again...................
I got tones of work how am I going to disappear???
But my head is each day worse... my memory is gone!
Am slower by day

But I have to keep on going!!!

"Go on holiday". That's what you used to say when you went to a rehab and also, I gather, when you went on a binge and got stoned. You are still on the pills (are the doctors controlling that?). You are driving your car, presumably with passengers in it. You are going to bars with friends who "can't give up drinking". You are scared and having nightmares. You believe your dead brother has come back to warn you. If so, he should warn you. The clock is ticking Aiko. As the poet Auden wrote in his poem, "As I walked out one evening, Walking down ******* Street..." (Google that). As he wrote, "You cannot conquer time." You can conquer addiction but you cannot conquer time. Believe what I say for I have been there. I have felt the shadow of death behind me, have been to the edge of the cliff and have come back. Your life is a gift. Please do not throw it away!

Bill

Aiko

I can not get up....
Am so so...
I promised to control it...
My doc is on holiday Italy and next week is easter


Bill thank you for the song,
I need to sit and read it awake!!!
You are right the clok is ticking
But I know I will not die, I know it!!!!!

I wanted to go to work today
My boss is back tomortow
so will have him screaming in person
And I will have to stand up in the meeting...
If am very lucky I will be made redundant and will have the time for rehab.......

I need to find a place were to detox
I need to find someone to hold me downnnnn
Got 4 days to disappear next week!!!
Only 4444444
And If I am by myself I know what will be doing!!!

I got a neighbour that is crazy for me...
I mean it...... he grab my arm the other day and would not let me go...
But he will be working... I gather it!!¡
Got two friends I could ask for help
the rest I can not go near them :/

I will phone my doc this week and
have to think how to handdle it!
Will be ok am strong!!!

Wish you all a happy Spring
XO

Soberwolf

We're in this together Aiko x ?

Fabela

Aiko, I don't know you and I'm probably going to get into a lot of trouble saying this, but I think you are treating the wonderful people here as crap. As someone said, you are using this thread as a blog/journal of your drug abuse, and you are worrying a lot of people by doing this. They only want what's best for you, don't take advantage of them.

I know you are struggling and my heart bleeds for you, I hope you have the strength to ask for help and to do the work you need to do to get clean. You deserve only the best!

Irnldy001

Fabela
Don't feel bad. You're not alone. I often wonder about this in my AA meetings. Sometimes a sponsor will bring a sponsee who is stone drunk to one of our meetings. It's never comfortable and I have wondered about it. Then I realize it's our way of reaching out to the still suffering alcoholic.
I admit this whole thread made me uncomfortable, but when I was actively using, I likely was as discombobulated too. I didn't go to AA meetings or this board back then, but perhaps if I did I would have sought help earlier.
Aiko I'm not sure if you hear us, but we are the sane and sober voices. I will be honest and tell you your writing is all over the place, and part of this sounds like a spy thriller. I am not sure what is reality in here and what is not. What comes shining through is that you don't have a clear mind at all. I suspect you do realize you need to do something drastic and very quickly. You are careening towards a cliff here.
I hope you do what you said and 'take a holiday' and get off of whatever you are on. I can't imagine you driving or going to work in the state you are in, and if I were your boss and saw what I am imagining, I would either force you on to a medical leave or fire you. I am not saying that to hurt you - I'm telling you that your addiction is heavy and it's showing and apparent to anyone who reads your thoughts. It's a drug-alogue in real time. It makes me scared for you.
For Fabela, use Aiko's experience here to remind yourself of why you are here, and why you are sober. Sometimes we all need the reminder of how our lives become such a dramatic production when we are out of control. My life has become so hum drum and boring, I can get caught up in thinking about some of the past 'joys' of drinking, and then I read this, and I snap out of it. Everything has value. I don't think Aiko means to treat anyone like crap - but I can see how you might think so. I think Aiko is just in a bad place, and this is a place to vent it out. It doesn't help that all of us are still a little bit tender, but in the end, the magic of 12 steps is reaching out to another suffering addict. Think of this as working steps.

Aiko

Dear Fabela,

SR is to help each other NOT to judge!!!
I love them I do worry about my friends fondly,
That is your opinion!!! Fine!!!

I need help I can not count with my family!!!
I live on my own!!!
And am under a lot of preassure and can not escape got much responsibility on my shoulders!!!
Why do you think this is Anonnimous???
So you can say what you think and feel!!!
Not to worry to be judge as they are addicts too!
And I respect them...
And they undertand the madness of the head that gets worse by day..... the nonsense of our acctions....
I am going to eat with my father now,
And he lost his head... he keeps on vomiting, talking real crap, screaming angry 24/7!

And we cope with him, we are awaiting for him to die!!!
I support my mum all I can and I go to see them most days and she hugs me and tells me all her suffering.
And she has an non opperable Aneurisma that can have any time a brain ceasure and die as well. Just with a rise off blood preasure...
So I help her to cope.living with a dying alcoholic!!!
That can actually kill her...

So please do not judge me if I come here to talk of my problems....
Addictions is a desease that can not be talk in public,
Is a tabu illness,
I have to hide I am sick!!!!!!!
I medicate hidden, I have to hide I need a detox!¡!


Just woked up it is 2:00 and am thinking.....
I will try to see how long I last withuot anything!!!!!
To hire a country side hut, speak nect week with my doc and get someone to keep an eye on me.
But have to lie so no one knowssssss

We are all responsible of our acctions not others
And we have to bear the acctions of our decissions good and bad.

And now I have to put my poker face on and go to see my parents
and pretend I am fine
They lost a child already....

I am poly-addict and have not got serotonine in my head so If I do not take daily pills for serotonine or I can not cope and hurt myself...

So spear me if I come here to talk!!!
There is a story behind each Avatar and you are free here to talk, read or not read!!!

We are not free in the real world!

God bless you too in your suffering!
XO

wpainterw

Hi Aiko!
Thanks for a beautiful and honest post. No one judges you. Certainly I don't. Because I've been through all that and am way beyond it. Years ago I was in a rehab and there were all sorts there, including drug dealers. We were all together and no one was better than anyone else. In fact in a way we were better than those outside, particularly self righteous folks who assumed that alcoholism was a "weakness". It's an "illness", like diabetes where a person can't have much sugar. Doctors today say that 60% of it is genetic, which makes sense for you since your dad has such trouble.
It looks like you are on a path where you will do something for yourself. Give yourself the gift of freedom from slavery to a toxic chemical. If so, it will be tough at first but you will be so happy! So proud! If you don't want to go to a rehab, do talk to your doctor and maybe something can be worked out. In our country we have places like "halfway houses" where you aren't locked up or anything but if you don't stick with the program they discharge you and you're back to square one. As to the rehab, you might check the posts by Meraviglioso on this very forum (Newcomers). She's in Italy and seems very pleased with the place and the choice she has made. Looks like she is beginning a real recovery.
So no one on this website looks at you as being "bad" "inferior" etc. We're all in the same boat. We're alcoholics and sometimes i think that alcoholics are better than other folks. They include some of the nicest people I've ever known. And, Aiko, you're sure one of them! What Fabela said has been said before. I think she said it because, as she rightly said, you seemed in your posting headed for a cliff and time is of the essence. Choose recovery. A new life. Spring is here. "Breeding lilacs out of the dead land" as the poet says. The sun is shining. If you don't have a dog, find one owned by another alcoholic and pet that dog (carefully). Or horse. The animals can help you. They understand. We do too. Every good wish. Good luck.

Bill.

Fabela

I'm glad you're angry with me. That shows that you are willing to fight for yourself. You deserve it.

wpainterw

Thanks Fabela. Sometimes it takes a tough Norwegian to tell it like it is. I've never been to Norway but I know it's a beautiful land.

W.

Fabela

I have to admit I feel terrible now for saying what I did. This is the way we're used to do it, some tough love for those who need it. Maybe it's the viking blood?
Aiko, I apologize for what I said. You don't need that now. I promise to stand by you and support you whenever you need it, and I will help you up if you fall.

Hawkeye13

I truly wish you recovery Aiko--
I also had an addicted, Narcissistic mother
who I allowed to destroy my sobriety and nearly
my marriage and life.

I finally had to accept that addiction was the choice
I was making on my own to deal with life instead
of stepping back from my family a little and caring
for myself in healthy ways.

That has made all the difference,
and I hope you choose the same.
Peace, healing, and a firm choice to get sober
lies in your hands.
Please pick it up and embrace it