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Day one again...

Old 06-30-2015, 03:56 AM
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Day one again...

Hi all

I'm starting this new thread to give myself more accountability. Today I am starting day one all over again.

The last few weeks I have been wobbling about. On the weekend I was back to 1 1/2 to 2 bottles of wine every evening. I have reached the end of my tether. I am a teacher and yesterday I was observed teaching (usual practice in the UK) by my boss. I had planned what I thought would be a great lesson. However my anxiety was through the roof as a result of drinking. The lesson was awful, the worst that I have ever delivered in 20+ years of teaching. I have always prided myself on delivering good lessons. I came home last night and to try to forget about it I drank 2 bottles of wine.

I woke up this morning feeling truly dreadful. My self esteem is in tatters. I don't know what the consequences will be from yesterday but I suspect I will be hauled over the coals. I haven't gone into work today as I am too embarrassed to face my boss.

So today I start day one again. I have to sort this out. This is my action plan so far:

1. Book doctors appointment (done)
2. Order 2 self help drinking books (done)
3. Find an AA meeting that I can get to (done there's one on Saturday)
4. Sign up again on the 24 hour thread (done)
5. Join a new class (will join the July one tomorrow)
6. Journal day one (done)
7. Start this thread (done)
8. Tell those closest to me that I have stopped drinking for good (done)

My lovely children deserve a much better mum. I don't ever want to feel this awful ever again. I really have hit my rock bottom. I am open to any further suggestions...

Thanks all
m
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Old 06-30-2015, 04:11 AM
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Hello, martina12.

Can't really say that I've any suggestions to add to you're very thorough list... Read and post daily on SR? That way, you are working on your recovery daily.

Wishing you all the best!
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Old 06-30-2015, 04:22 AM
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Hi Martina

wobbling....me too.

I guess we just have to try again yeah?

All the best.
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Old 06-30-2015, 04:27 AM
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Hi Canguy we've been in the same classes! Yep I'm trying again I can't afford not to..
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Old 06-30-2015, 04:27 AM
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Hi Martina. You can do this. The good thing is that you never have to feel this way again. You do have the power to quit and quit for good. it's a trough journey, but you won't be disappointed with the outcome.

With nearly a year under my belt, I can tell you that I've never been happier.

Just don't drink today. Lean on us as much as you need.
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Old 06-30-2015, 04:37 AM
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Originally Posted by martina12 View Post
Hi Canguy we've been in the same classes! Yep I'm trying again I can't afford not to..
I think we've been in a couple Martina. Last one we were both doing pretty well....so just have to get back there.
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:21 AM
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Hi Martina, I can relate to what you are going through. I, too, have been wobbly for the last few months, after almost a year of sobriety. Sounds like you have a good plan. Day 3 for me - I am going to join the new July class as well so look forward to seeing you there!
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:26 AM
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Hopefully the lesson wasn't as bad as you thought too. Hopefully you won't get hauled over the coals
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:27 AM
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Hi Martina,
I'm glad you are back with a plan. You can do this! The observed lesson may have gone better than you thought. Alcohol induced anxiety is awful and made you feel 100% worse. The good news is you never have to feel that way again! Keep posting, you've got lots of support here
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:35 AM
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Welcome back. We saved your spot.
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Old 06-30-2015, 06:21 AM
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Welcome back Martina, sounds like you have a pretty thorough plan in place...and I'm glad SR will be part of it too!
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Old 06-30-2015, 06:31 AM
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Martina, I am YOU. Every word of your post could be me. Wobbly-check. Wine-check. 20+ years in education-check. Guilt-check. My family deserves a better me-check.
I have been awake since 2:30 in the morning (it's 9:25 in the USA). I am off on a 2-week break so I have real time to work on this. I work at a special needs school so we go to school year around with various breaks throughout the year. I have been able to hide my drinking problem from work because it's never a problem when I'm there. I have told the nurse at school and she is very supportive but, of course, I have to do this myself.
I am seeing a therapist who specializes in PTSD and substance abuse. She is treating me for both. We have been concentrating on the PTSD right now but she told me that, if I am unable to be successful with making a solid plan AND following it, she will help me. I have an appointment in a couple of hours and I am bringing with me some things that I printed from one of Dee74's post about making a plan. It sounds like you've got a good start.
I wish you the best and will also be joining the July group. It's my birthday month. I'm going to make this one stick. I deserve it!
Have an awesome day!
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Old 06-30-2015, 06:57 AM
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Day 1 for me AGAIN, I have been a three day binge and yesterday my body could not take it any longer, I still feel horrible today , but this all has to stop today !!!
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Old 06-30-2015, 07:10 AM
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Martina, I think your plan looks good. For me, balance is extremely important and I wonder if you'd thought of adding some kind of physical activity to your plan? Walking daily has really helped me through a lot.

I hope things go well with your boss.
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Old 06-30-2015, 07:12 AM
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I wish you strength you can do this
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Old 06-30-2015, 09:29 AM
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Welcome back martina. The July class is open right now since it's already July for those crazy upside-down Australians. No reason to wait.
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Old 06-30-2015, 10:56 AM
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Welcome back Martina!! You can do this!!
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Old 06-30-2015, 11:27 AM
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Hi Martina.

I just wanted to reassure you that a bad lesson doesn't equal a bad teacher. We all have days when nothing goes to plan. I work in school management and observe lessons all the time. In fact when the school is observed under the new Ofsted framework from September, less emphasis is going to be put on a teachers performance on the day, and more on pupils progress over time, as they recognise that a snapshot of a lesson won't give the full picture.

So, cross that off your worry list.

If I were you, I would go back to work tomorrow, hold your hands up and say you recognise it wasn't great. A self-reflective teacher is a good one, and besides, all your other observations have gone well haven't they?

As for your drinking...you recognise that drinking through anxiety doesn't work. Time to find new ways of managing it. What are you doing for your recovery? How better could you manage stress?

My job is really hard work too at the moment. I make a point of coming home, having a bath, sitting in the garden and meditating. I do a lot of reading and have my quiet time when I sit by myself. Exercise is supposed to help, but I haven't tried that for any length of time due to my laziness 😊

You can do this Martina. I believe in you 👍
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Old 06-30-2015, 12:55 PM
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You don't have to continue the cycle. You can do this martina. You can stop this cycle. We are rooting for you!
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Old 06-30-2015, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Jeni26 View Post
Hi Martina.

I just wanted to reassure you that a bad lesson doesn't equal a bad teacher. We all have days when nothing goes to plan. I work in school management and observe lessons all the time. In fact when the school is observed under the new Ofsted framework from September, less emphasis is going to be put on a teachers performance on the day, and more on pupils progress over time, as they recognise that a snapshot of a lesson won't give the full picture.

So, cross that off your worry list.

If I were you, I would go back to work tomorrow, hold your hands up and say you recognise it wasn't great. A self-reflective teacher is a good one, and besides, all your other observations have gone well haven't they?

As for your drinking...you recognise that drinking through anxiety doesn't work. Time to find new ways of managing it. What are you doing for your recovery? How better could you manage stress?

My job is really hard work too at the moment. I make a point of coming home, having a bath, sitting in the garden and meditating. I do a lot of reading and have my quiet time when I sit by myself. Exercise is supposed to help, but I haven't tried that for any length of time due to my laziness 😊

You can do this Martina. I believe in you 👍
Jeni you have no idea how much better you have made me feel!!!!
Thank you so much

I have plucked up the courage to speak to my head of department and she has also reassured me that although it wasn't good there were good aspects. Also that my good results speak volumes. In fact she wants my lesson plan to use with her class which really did gobsmack me

Thanks for the advice too about finding alternative ways to de-stress, back to herbal teas to replace the wine from now on too.

Onwards and upwards....
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