Scared1234

Opened up a bottle at 11 last night. Drank till 4am. Puked my guts out at 5am. Still lying in bed at 2:30. Was it worth? Not even close. Why'd I do it? Because I'm an alcoholic and I can't stop myself anymore. The days of abstaining for a week are over. I'm binge drinking every second day. I take a day in between binges because I hurt so much during hangovers. If there is a god out there, I ask him "why did you make me like this? What did I do in a past life to deserve this sh*t?"

Gilmer

I will pray for hope and strength for you.

trachemys

It's not what you did in a past life. It's what you're doing in this life. You keep drinking. You're not too far gone if you still get hangovers. In my prime I didn't have a hangover because I never sobered up. I stayed drunk.

Decide to stop drinking and do whatever it takes to do that.

axeman5971

I was at a meeting recently and the guy had a great analogy. You're just allergic to alcohol. If you had the same reaction (hangover-like) to peanuts or shellfish, you'd never continue eating them. Nobody would say, "Come on, just one shrimp cocktail. You'll be fine." Start treating it like that. And don't think, "well, i haven't had my allergen in a few months, just once will be fine!"

trachemys

LMFAO,

RDBplus3

scared1234 ...
Your post sounds exactly like me when living on Self-Will-Ruin -Riot had led me to the spiritually diseased state of Pitiful & Incomprehensible Demoralization.

then ... after I had cussed God, and railed at others about how God had done nothing for my sorry drunken A$$ ... He did for me what I could NOT do for myself. But it took me actually DOING THE WORK in my Program of steps to RECOVERY.

RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2.

sva777

I hope you can find a way to stay quit, do you have any kind of plan? If so what is it?

Nonsensical

Yes you can.

You haven't yet figured out how to handle the feeling of wanting to drink. Plan for it. You're going to want to drink again. The feeling will come. What will you do when it does? You can't change what God did or didn't do, but you can make a plan.

juliemacw

Scared1234 I so identify. No I don't drink every day usually skip one for hangover and sometimes a second day because the guilt and remorse is still fresh. I go a week then rationalize. Such a sorry way to live. And I'm a pro at hiding it. It's never worth it. Hello again Day One! .

Dee74

I don't like the word failure. You just haven;t found the way to achieve escape velocity yet

Are you any closer to considering things like AA or some other recovery group, scared?

D

Scared1234

I've been here since November 2014 and haven't achieved more than a week sober I believe...I just don't know anymore

Hope2014

But the fact that you are here now means you want it to be different. Make a plan and take it minute by minute if you need to. Sign up 24 hours at a time to hold yourself accountable. As each sober day passes you will realize that it is possible. Just try.

esinger

I used the I'm an alcoholic I can't help it excuse. Didn't fly for me and doesn't do anything for anyone else but give them an excuse not to do what they don't want to. God didn't make you drink, that's all on you.

If you really want to get clean start taking some responsibility for your actions and get to work. You've been around here enough to know the methods others have used. Time to find something that suites you and go with it.

One thing I've learned through my struggle is there is no magical cure for self induced trauma. You just have to have enough self respect to dig yourself out of the hole you've put yourself in. It takes time, it isn't easy and yes it's pretty painful but your life is worth it. Time to get serious.

BlissWithin

Make a thread and post multiple times a day until you feel more grounded, I joined SR in September 2014 and I kept relapsing until April this year, now I have 3 months sober, so If I can do it, I believe you can do it too Scared.

Charlie117926

What Dee said. Seriously I am you to a tee. You can do it. It is not easy. But you can do it. Failure is not an option!!!!

strategery

I came here about the same time you did. I know you can do it, but you may need to use all the options at your disposal. I am not sure what you've done. I have used SR as my main recovery tool with the chat meetings and it works great for me. Some people need more support such as AA, rational recovery, etc. Others need intensive outpatient, while others need inpatient. What steps are you going to take next to support your sobriety?

ScottFromWI

What formal methods or treatments have you tried since then?

TastyCheez

The first 7 days were bloody hell for me Scared...now I'm 14 days and 9 hours into it. Strangely after those first 7, I didn't have the constant cravings for alcohol anymore. The morning sober hangovers are mostly gone, and my ability to remain calm is sort of back...though I still have daily blowups on random people.

You mentioned you haven't lasted more than a week sober since November, 2014...just try to break that week mark...shoot for that 'one more day' and attain it, then 'one more day', and 'one more day', now, I can't imagine breaking my 'record days of sobriety' and am proud of it...I hate failing, and hate having to start all over again (happens to me enough in life due to situations out of my control, I'd be pissed at myself if I had to reset due to my own actions.

When you hit day 7, Scared, shoot for your very own 'one more day'.

Shoot, yesterday I went to a donation gala and served 1400 drunk rich people 75 pounds of cheese and salami from my shop...one of the helperbees approached me and asked if I wanted a beer or a soda and I immediately, without hesitation, said "diet pepsi." That, to me, is success.

Why reset the clock? That's a waste of time and energy.

Faker

Scared1234, you've got to own it first. I'm not saying that flippantly. I Just relapsed too. But nothing will change til you own it. Me too.

Serenidad

Don't give up Scared. You can't give up. We are all here for you. I know exactly how you feel. I'm only on day 5. I often get upset with God too but I try to flip it around and think about all the times God has saved my life while drinking. He has bigger better plans for us once we get and stay sober. He saved us for a reason. Hang in there.