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Old 04-29-2015, 10:09 AM
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Sensitive issue

I have a friend who I've known since I was a wee lass. Her mother and mine were best friends. Anyway, she is about 6 years older than me and therefore we didn't become friends until later in life as adults. We are total opposites. Long story short, her FOO has essentially abandoned her. Very involved story. So she has started calling me more often (she is in Michigan) and "dumping" her woes on me. I feel badly for her in a sense because she is alone (like me) and her sibs have been so mean to her (like me). But, I find that after talking to her I feel drained, upset and irritated. She is on a personal campaign to ruin each of her sibs (5 of them) in one way or another (unlike me). I get she is hurt, but very vindictive.

She has no interest in my life...I am just the sounding board.

What would you do in this scenario? I tried to ignore her, but she is persistent.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:16 AM
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I have absolutely no problem dumping toxic people out of my life nowadays.
If someone is always negative, always complaining, blaming others for their woes and caught up in revenge plans I just block them on my phone and unfriend them on social media.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:19 AM
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I agree with Carlotta. I really cannot afford to have that kind of negativity in my life. It is to easy for me to get wrapped up in it and before you know it I am negative and complaining right along side them.

My cure for that now is to keep my distance. If someone wants to talk about a problem AND a solution I will be there and help in anyway I can but if they want to talk about a problem that just keeps the problem fresh with no resolve in sight then I need to back away.

They are going to remain negative whether I am in their life or not, it only hurts me to remain in the picture.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
I have absolutely no problem dumping toxic people out of my life nowadays.
If someone is always negative, always complaining, blaming others for their woes and caught up in revenge plans I just block them on my phone and unfriend them on social media.
Carlotta - how do those people react when you do that? Or don't you know. My fear is if I cut her off, she will experience yet another rejection. She is unstable as it is.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:24 AM
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Originally Posted by GracieLou View Post
If someone wants to talk about a problem AND a solution I will be there and help in anyway I can but if they want to talk about a problem that just keeps the problem fresh with no resolve in sight then I need to back away.
Great point there. Her "solution" is to get revenge. Last time I spoke to her she said, "you aren't going to approve of this, but..." so she knows I don't like what she is saying and doing, but she tells me anyway.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:28 AM
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Sorry Art
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:30 AM
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What is a FOO ? I checked the acronym list and couldn't find it.

Artfriend, I agree with what others have said here. I have let people like that in my life GO because I can't take the negative energy. It brings me down too much, especially when they're not interested in you at all. They seem to suck the life right out of me.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:33 AM
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ElleDee - FOO = Family Of Origin

Thanks everyone for your input.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:45 AM
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If she is plotting revenge then she is not that unstable or feeling as abandoned as she claims.

Some people thrive on nothing but negativity. That is how they live their lives and they do not know any other way. Her FOO maybe be evil but it does not sound like she fell far from the tree herself.

Many people that are raised in a negative environment have a hard time ever looking at their own actions. Any and all reactions are blamed on others and they have a tendency to lie about the real story. They omit their part, change their part or flat out lie about their part because they want you on their side of the playing field. Even if they are caught in the lie they can and will spin it so they can justify their actions. I only did this because she did that…It never ends.

This person does not sound accountable for her own life and actions, she is blaming every one else for everything and plotting revenge because of it with her own rationalization thrown on top for good measure.

The only way to deal with that type of game is to simply step off the field and refuse to play.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:47 AM
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I would tell her that you do not mind being their for her, but do not want to be a part of her "smear campaign" against her family. If she is a mature adult she will understand that. If she does not then you should just cut all ties. You have your own problems I am sure, and should not have to waste all your energy on hers. Do not her vindictiveness drag you down, or make you be a part of something you do not want to be involved in. It is not high school, and that kind of drama in your life is surely draining you.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:48 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
Carlotta - how do those people react when you do that? Or don't you know. My fear is if I cut her off, she will experience yet another rejection. She is unstable as it is.
I really don't know and it is really none of my business. I cannot change others. I cannot help someone who is caught up in a vortex of negativity any more than I can stop an alcoholic from drinking.
I would rather spend that kind of energy trying to help out a friend in need who is looking for solutions than wasting my time with someone who is confusing me with a dumpster.
Hopefully, at some point when someone realizes that they clear up any room they walk in they start to take a good look at themselves and see that the problems lie with them.
The only way to deal with that type of game is to simply step off the field and refuse to play.
Amen!!!
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Old 04-29-2015, 11:07 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
how do those people react when you do that? Or don't you know. My fear is if I cut her off, she will experience yet another rejection. She is unstable as it is.
None of that is in your control, and frankly nothing you should be concerned about anyway.

Basically she's taking advantage of you emotionally and also cutting into your personal time that could be much better used dealing with your own issues.

Frankly I'd just stop taking her calls, no need to explain anything.
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Old 04-29-2015, 11:22 AM
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Arghh Art, sorry you have to deal with this. I sense that you feel like you are connected to this person because of the circumstances you have faced, the similarities. However, you are growing and changing so much that you are not so similar after all anymore.

Have you tried talking to her about how her attitude when you guys speak annoys you. Say something like "everytime you call me it is to share negative things. I want to hear about positive things in your life"... Something like that... Call her out?

Ultimately it is your decision how much you will take and if you need to cut her out of your life. I also feel that you think that you would be mean by cutting her out and I understand your reasoning but remember what we have learned here: we have to protect our sobriety on top of everything so if it's something that is really affecting you it's something that you really have to think about and make the right decision. Why does she get at you so much? I Have a friend that I cut out of my life for about 5 to 6 years. I did not like the man that she was seeing and the relationship she was in so I decided to just cut all contact. Her things were REALLY getting to me and affecting me and I was worried sick. Years later we found each other again and now we are great friends better than before...

Be strong Art. This is your time!
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Old 04-29-2015, 11:40 AM
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I can understand you hesitating to break communications. It took me a long time in recovery to learn how to set strong boundaries.
One thing you could do is test the waters and see what that "friendship" is truly about. next time that she calls and starts just say
That's terrible
then move on and ask her if she has seen whichever latest movie or read whichever book or any other questions about positive things you might find interesting and take note of her reaction.
If she answers curtly: no or yes then goes right back on to her litany of complains and revenge plots then there is really truly no friendship there.
Just curious, what does she contribute to your life?
She is obviously not a kind person, what qualities does she bring to the table?
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Old 04-29-2015, 11:56 AM
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Fantastic thoughts here! Thank you! I think there is a couple of things going on here - the fact that she is so isolated, that she doesn't seem to have any friends (for obvious reasons), I have known her and her family for over 50 years. But, you are right, she does not add anything to my life and she is an energy vampire. And, I really don't like the person she has become, i.e., self-centered and vindictive. And all of this is about $$$. The story is too involved to go into here...but all the drama centers around money/wills/etc. Very superficial crap. Their family could be a reality show. Honestly.

Thanks again for your advice. Much appreciated!
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Old 04-29-2015, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
Fantastic thoughts here! Thank you! I think there is a couple of things going on here - the fact that she is so isolated, that she doesn't seem to have any friends (for obvious reasons), I have known her and her family for over 50 years. But, you are right, she does not add anything to my life and she is an energy vampire. And, I really don't like the person she has become, i.e., self-centered and vindictive. And all of this is about $$$. The story is too involved to go into here...but all the drama centers around money/wills/etc. Very superficial crap. Their family could be a reality show. Honestly.
And again, none of this is really any of your concern or anything you have control over. Best to just set the boundary and move on.
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Old 04-29-2015, 01:07 PM
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But, you are right, she does not add anything to my life and she is an energy vampire
I think you got your answer right there.
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Old 04-29-2015, 04:22 PM
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Some great advice here Art.

I dumped some people. They weren't happy.

I'd spent most of my life people pleasing and wanting people to like me, so that wasn't easy - but it was the right healthy thing to do.

they went their way and I went mine, I got over the queasiness and came out a little bit stronger and a little more self confident for the experience
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:17 PM
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Sounds to me like she is creating a distraction away from you taking care of you. I've been where you are and for me, I eventually started building up resentments towards the other person and began getting angry at myself for allowing myself to be taken advantage of. That stuff can really build up fast and interfere with all the hard work you've put into your sobriety. I finally realized that the temporary guilt I felt cutting ties with the person was much easier to deal with than the above issues, especially when I realize I really have no reason to feel guilty in the first place. Your sobriety and mental health must come first. John
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Old 04-29-2015, 05:31 PM
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Two words come to mind. Scissors. Cut. Break it off. No more talk. That was more than two words, but you get the point.
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