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This is a tough road.

Old 04-22-2015, 06:48 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I have been focusing alot on how to better my life with work mostly. But it spills over to my social life as well. It's made me realize I need to rethink my preconceptions about drinking. Cut it clean. Seek to understand what this forum is telling me and then let the forum help me be understood.

I read all your posts.. "acceptance" I still don't know what that means.
"Artificial Strength" wow isn't that the truth.
"Barrier between us in the world" no one sees this side of me except this forum.
"Maybe your doing it wrong" yea I know
I can only read so much and right now I'm focused on bettering my career.
I tried the reward thing but my bike is still brand new with flat tires.
"Blah feeling goes away" I read all these posts about challenges at 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years. If it's still hard that long after quitting then I have no chance.

I have friends only one really. But I am so proud I would never tell him my problem. He has told me I have a problem but that just makes me be more reserved.

I live alone and I get depressed sometimes but in general I'm an optimistic person.

I can go a few days without drinking and sometimes it doesn't bother me but only if I do something extreme. Example one time I got bored and went and bought a new truck to compensate.

My brain works really fast. So fast I see a problem I see a solution and I move on before I actually act on it. I can think about a problem, come home drink to keep focus learn the solution and implement it the next day but I have a hard time focusing on my addiction. I know it, I understand it to an extent but I'm so focused on doing well at work that I use the alcohol to slow down and improve it. Of course sometimes the alcohal slows me down enough to also focus on my addiction. But by then I can't focus on it with a clear mind.

Wow that was alot.
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Old 04-22-2015, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by cambie03 View Post
I'd also recommend giving yourself a "reward" for not drinking - for me, it's getting to play tennis. I love the game. Try to think of a hobby you can either pick up or re-start as a reward for sobreity.
I am into martial arts real heavy, after dropping it for college and the surly nights I don't remember that come with. I've also got into longboarding. LOVE IT. I initially was afraid I would bang and bruise myself up, but I have honestly done more damage falling down with the bottle. I recommend both.
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Old 04-22-2015, 07:19 PM
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The problem with using alcohol as a performance enhancing drug is it will turn on you Vendetta.

I think you know that already?

D
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Old 04-22-2015, 07:41 PM
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I do already know that using alcohol as a performance enhancing drug will catch up with me. It will work most days but some days it wont.

I used to spar with the guys I went to school with. There was one guy that would absolutely wear me out he would take care of my reach by going inside. He would hit my arms so hard I had bruises from my elbows getting pounced into my sides.
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Old 04-22-2015, 07:48 PM
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I know just asking how to beat this won't make it go away. there is no secret answer or there would be no need for this forum.

I just want to figure out my situation enough to win. I will win it's just a matter of time balancing my life.
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Old 04-22-2015, 07:51 PM
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Maybe you're overthinking it like I did?

I thought I needed to know everything in order for it to stop.

Nope.

Don't drink. Find support to stay stopped if you can't do the lone wolf thing.

Later on, you can figure out the mysteries of existence with a clear head.

D
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Old 04-22-2015, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by vendetta View Post
I had dedicated myself to not drinking. I did good for a while, but tonight I caved.

To be honest not drinking sucks. I had no desire to do anything. I didn't feel like I could do day to day chores. The one good thing was waking up earlier and more aware.

It's hard to stay on track when I have no desire to do anything.

Just my thoughts on tonight.

Thanks All
When I was abstinent and had no desire to do anything, it was because I was depressed. I've never known an alcoholic that didn't experience some degree of depression after they stopped drinking.
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Old 04-22-2015, 08:08 PM
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I actally opened up to my sister one time I layed it all out and took the next day off and asked her to come over to help me. She's a teacher and she was off work. she laughed and told me to go to bed. Didn't even answer me the next morning when I called her. Of course when she needs something she calls me or dad cause she knows we will do it.
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Old 04-22-2015, 08:15 PM
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I need to find a good enough reason to stop for me and no one else.

You would think that would be easy. I got so drunk I past out at a bar one time.

I got wasted on a business trip one time.
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Old 04-22-2015, 08:21 PM
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My one last friend told me I need to watch YES MAN. And just say yes for a while but that was years ago.
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Old 04-22-2015, 08:21 PM
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Originally Posted by vendetta View Post
I need to find a good enough reason to stop for me and no one else.
I see quite a good reasons that you've written yourself in this thread. Perhaps you could review what you've posted so far and reflect.
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Old 04-22-2015, 08:28 PM
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When I got sober for the first time, many years ago, I tried to figure out why I drank the way I did years after it stopped being fun. With the help of psychotherapy, all I could come up with was a bunch of unverifiable theories. And I kept on drinking. As was true of so many others, I was likely self-medicating. Against life. Against my own existence. After more self-inflicted pain and suffering, I knew that I just needed to stop and to learn how to stay stopped. And that's what I did. I embraced AA (there were virtually no other options at the time) despite all of my philosophical and personal differences with the program. Personal philosophy was extremely unhelpful and unpersuasive when I was facing certain death, eye to eye. And I needed to grow up.

While getting sober, I slowly became completely disinterested in why I drank the way I did, and instead focused on living a better, sober life. I still don't care why. I believe that even if I knew the answer to that question, it would have had no bearing on my getting and staying sober and living life the best I can, just as it failed me before I first got sober.

Intellectualization is a well-known defense mechanism among those of us who are interested in such things. It's just another type of denial, denial being at the root of most defense mechanisms. In my case, analyzing why I drank the way I did protected me from attending to the reality that I was slowly killing myself with booze. All that cognitive work I was doing buttressed the lie that I was actually doing something about my fractured relationship with alcohol by thinking myself through it. A convenient distraction that only led to more pain. I'm lucky to be alive with all the damage I did to myself while putting off getting sober and pretending to address my alcoholism by analyzing what caused me to drink the way I did.
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Old 04-22-2015, 08:48 PM
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The bottom line is simple.... don't drink. I will post here in the morning with my honest thoughts. I hope to get responses. I wI'll at least post again before ii drink again. Please continue to give me support.
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Old 04-23-2015, 01:42 AM
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Hi Vendetta

You said about your mind working really fast and being kind of impulsive. I think a lot of us can relate to that. Personally, I drank to quieten my own head and get some space.

The thing I am realising is that the longer I stay sober, the quieter my head becomes. I have an anxiety disorder so obviously I have my moments but things aren't quite as overwhelming. I can only speak for myself but I am a huge fan of instant gratification. I don't want to think about the long term, I just want to feel different or do something different now. And that's affected big parts of my life from work, to relationships, to my health and of course sobriety.

I don't know if you have a recovery plan in place, but learning to slow things down whether it's taking it task at a time at work or spending 10 minutes before and after work just sitting and listening to your breath, could really help if you stick with it.

I hope you stay strong :-)
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Old 04-23-2015, 01:56 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by vendetta View Post
I know just asking how to beat this won't make it go away. there is no secret answer or there would be no need for this forum.

I just want to figure out my situation enough to win. I will win it's just a matter of time balancing my life.
Hey vendetta, there is a secret answer. In fact it is so secret it is hidden right out in the open in front of our unseeing faces - don't drink. To beat this - I will not drink right now.

To bolster and cement this 'secret' into place so that it becomes part of our foundation - we have to want it. We have to want to be sober more than what we want to drink.

Each person is different, so the changes you would wish to make to your life to achieve the foundation are different to my changes. Ultimately though, here on SR we all have the same goal - I want to be sober more than I want to drink.

Cheers

ZAB
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Old 04-23-2015, 02:49 AM
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Originally Posted by vendetta View Post
The bottom line is simple.... don't drink.
Simple, not easy.

At least it wasn't for me until I understood that voice in my head that always wants to debate the issue. One of the things my voice wants is for me to focus on what I've lost - my drinking rights. No matter how many ways my life improves; no matter how many great things happen as a result of me not drinking, that voice is always telling me, yeah, but you can't drink anymore, and that's not fair!

When I am feeling polite I call that voice an unreliable narrator. When I am feeling less charitable I call it a liar and a thief. Not taking advice from a liar -simple. Dealing with it living in my head - not easy.

Rootin' for ya!
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Old 04-23-2015, 03:41 AM
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Thanks everyone.
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Old 04-23-2015, 03:46 AM
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I kept on drinking till my drinking life sucked too . It's only a matter of time for most of us unless we're unlucky and die before it happens .

I learned to appreciate and love my sober life . It's steady without daft drama and i can actually build for the future in a regular way . I'm emotionally steady and stable and am there for those i love . I find it very worthwhile .

Take care , m
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Old 04-23-2015, 08:05 AM
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Originally Posted by vendetta View Post
My brain works really fast. So fast I see a problem I see a solution and I move on before I actually act on it. I can think about a problem, come home drink to keep focus learn the solution and implement it the next day but I have a hard time focusing on my addiction. I know it, I understand it to an extent but I'm so focused on doing well at work that I use the alcohol to slow down and improve it. Of course sometimes the alcohal slows me down enough to also focus on my addiction. But by then I can't focus on it with a clear mind.
I relate to this, vendetta. I have been sober ~15 months now, but I definitely needed (still need) to learn new ways of "dealing with my brain". I'm not the only one who struggles with keeping up with my mental activity, and this has been the case in my whole life really. I also have a strong tendency for obsessiveness, and it can be pretty much anything I'm interested in...work included. I do believe that in part, I developed maladaptive behaviors (drinking was only one in the history) to distract myself... but it only "worked" in the beginning with alcohol. Alcoholism just made all that craziness worse.

I think that we need to learn how to relax in healthy ways. It has not been easy for me at all after getting sober, but it can be done. Yes many of us tend to substitute substance abuse with other extreme behaviors. I would say if you really need to do this, perhaps find something that won't do damage, like exercise? It's also good to relax the brain. I'm definitely someone who needs intensity in my life, especially stuff that can feed me mentally (intellectually and emotionally), otherwise I go crazy and start to do things that are not necessarily good for me, so I understand. I also get how the everyday routine becomes boring, and then we are looking for something to alter our reality... but again, there are ways to do this that will not destroy us.
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Old 04-23-2015, 08:15 AM
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You need to CHANGEEEE. Not drinking isn't going to make you happy. Try going to AA. They will help you.
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