Sisterbobby

I got off work early tonight. My AH was outside drinking and talking on the phone. He didn't hear me walk in. He was talking to his friend about me and my attitude. I probably shouldn't have eavesdropped, but he was talking about what I have and what we have together and getting half of my inheritance and finding someone that will share his dreams...but on the other hand, everything will be okay only if i get better. ( I sobered up, he is a heavy nightly drinker)

I made myself known after he hung up and I told him that I have been listening for the last few minutes. The first thing he Asked, " what did you hear?" I said, " everything you said in the last few minutes." He said again, " like what?"
I told him that I didn't want to talk about it while he was drunk.

****, I do not want to have a confrontation with him at this time, he is a big manipulator. I wanted to get more sober time under my belt. How do I handle this? I love him but I can not live with him if he does not stop drinking.

secretary

That's a tough situation Sisterbobby. My hubby also drinks nightly and I, too, want to get more sobriety under my belt before dealing with him on issues. And will never do it after he's starting drinking. Good luck and remember to keep coming back to SR for the support you are not getting at home.

Sisterbobby

"everything will be okay only if i get better"

that makes my eyes roll back into my head

I would talk to him but he manipulates everything. I should have just walked away after he hung up the phone, but he always plays the good guy so i had to let him know that i heard him.

Dee74

Hi Sisterbobby - I'm sorry for the strain your relationship is under.

Some couples find they come through this period of change ok, or even a little stronger...and others don't....

The important thing for you to remember is you don't have to act in haste.

Give it some thought, give yourself time to make a few plans for yourself - food money shelter - if you decide to leave.

You'll always find support here

D

Carlotta

to both of you. You are doing the right thing by putting your sobriety first and not engaging him when he is drinking.
As long as he is not physically abusive, I second Dee's post. Take your time, make your plans and you don't have to act right now.

PinkGstring

Sounds hars but I'd get rid of him he wants have your stuff and leave if you don't get better what a poxy thing to say I'd be pissed off!
I got rid of my ex she drinks way too much even drives the work ute whilst drinking a light heer. But hey love! a lot of light beers also get you over the limit duh!
She just did not fit in my life (dumped her before i detoxed I know the pot calling the kettle.... But best decision i have ever made!!!
I would never have gotten this far and healthy if she were still in my life ruining it and making it very hard for me to not drink, with her drinking.
He will highly likely going to annoy the crap out of you with his drinking!
Vecause alcohol will most likely be more important than you. Well that was in my relation ship so I assume it's a pretty standard average situation.

Two alcos together doesn't work.( i know u said he's "only" a heavy drinker but that is too much in my opinion.

Find a family lawyer like the otger person said secure your assests and divorce and build upba new lober happy life away from poison and bad relation ships! Time for a new you

Sorry if this is probably not what you wanted to hear.

Verte

I can only imagine how awful it felt to overhear that part of the conversation. What does it even mean for you to get better? Where does everything stand with you and your husband right now? The Friends and Family section is so helpful and supportive in situations such as these.

If you were my sister, Sisterbobby, I would be there for you as you consulted a lawyer to discuss how to protect your assets. Then I would make sure that your parachute is packed properly and your exit strategy is sound and secure. Big hugs.

Alynn

I'm so sorry! We say the dumbest things when drunk!


Hugs!

PinkGstring

Erm thats not a dumb thing mate it is the truth what he said why else do u think he'd be so upset about what she might have heard?!!
And besides that drunk people speak the truth / what is on their mindcoz their filter doesn't work (as well)
Sorry but that ******** crap drunk people say like "sorry I was drunk i didn't mean it im sorry blah blah blah" is not going to work with me have heard it too often in my own relationship as well tgat I have said things like that myself a thousand times before as naive as i was
Anyways

Sisterbobby

We do not talk, no intimacy for nearly a year. He drinks which makes his sleep apnea 10X worse, so I asked him to sleep in the other room. So he makes love to his bottle every night and passes out in the other room. I joined SR this Jan, living a sobriety life for three months with one mishap. My AH is a manipulator, even a narcissist. (yikes, thats hard to say)

Carlotta

The longer you stay sober, the more clarity you'll get. You are seeing things that you were numbing with booze before and it is painful to process without the usual coping mechanism (alcohol).
Hang in there, you are building strength and support and when it is the right time to take action you will be able to make you move.
Right now things seem grey and hopeless but this is only the start of your sober journey. It will get better and we are here for you.
I know it hurts

Sisterbobby

So true! Wake up call.

Sisterbobby

I was shocked and pissed.

Sisterbobby

I am lying low for now, may get some legal advice. you will see no haste from me.

TomTom75

Tough situation for you but the advice here sounds good to me. Take care and good luck
T

Della1968

I am sorry you heard that and more sorry he said it. I agree keep your options open. Make a plan, consult an attorney and guard your finances. Also document everything. Hugs.

EndGameNYC

Call me crazy, but the first image I had in my mind when I read your OP was that of walking in on my wife or girlfriend while she was having sex with another man. I'm single, and that (mercifully) never happened to me.

What a terrible thing to overhear.

heartcore

I want to emphasize Della's comment - Guard your finances!!

If you are a patient being (which you apparently are, refusing to engage while he is intoxicated), I would start a slow but steady campaign to protect your assets.

It sounds to me as though the relationship has already separated emotionally. Now that you are sober, be strategic and begin the conscious process of preparing to separate financially.

That was a horrible thing to overhear, but now you know what you're dealing with. He wants your money, and that's why he's sticking around. Free yourself; you deserve better.

secretary

Wow, we really do have the exact same living situation. I'm getting more and more depressed the longer I stay sober. I'm thinking of going to AA just to get some support, as I have no one (except you guys).

Berrybean

Secretary - I would highly recommend it. There is no need to be alone.

I felt like me and my (still drinking) partner were drifting further and further apart for the first 6 months of my sobriety. It was the AA meetings that helped me change and be able to cope. I'm not sure if he has changed much, but I am stronger now, so we get on better. When we don't get on better I know it isn't long til I'll be in the company of some understanding people.

I'm very lucky as I've found a home group where there are as many ladies as there are men, and it's a lovely place to go to. It's like stepping into a warm bath.

I agree that Sisterbobby maybe should find some advice about protecting herself financially. Also maybe start thinking about where you can go if the proverbial hits the fan. But this is a really strange time to consider making any drastic changes, so as others have said, try to bide your time until you're sure about what you want.

Do you know what he means by your 'attitude'? Obviously, I know neither you or your drunk hubby, so please be assured that I'm really not insinuating anything with that question. Just speaking from my own experience, I went through a really tough patch which progressed into depression from around 3 - 6 months. I suspect that most people close to me realised it was an issue and that I was becoming quite irrational, stressed and over-emotional way before I realised it myself. I needed help. And I got it - by getting a sponsor and starting to work the AA program, and also by the Head at the school where I work (my boss lady!!) getting me some free counselling sessions. (Not that it's any excuse for your hubby to speak to a friend about you in that way AT ALL). I just thought it might be worth you asking yourself the question, as often PAWs does this to us as part of the recovery process.

I'm attaching an article about PAWs, which I only heard of way after it was an issue for me. I think it could have saved me, and those who work and live with me a lot of pain and frustration if I'd known about it back then. Hopefully you won't need it, and a parachute would be far more useful, but just in case...

PAWS | Digital Dharma