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Old 09-17-2014, 02:02 AM   #1 (permalink)
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i don't know where to go.


Hey guys! Well, i've been here a bit and as far as alcoholism and recovery goes (note that i do not say recovery from alcoholism, lol!) I feel like i've got crazy support. My sobriety date is 03/25/14. My homegroup is LCYP in Seattle, WA. We meet at 7PM Tuesday nights in northern Seattle. I have a sponsor who has a sponsor (who has a sponsor who has a sponsor. Not kidding!). My problem is this. I'm a few years older than my sponsor. She's not the kid bearing kind. I want to pose my distress to her but i'm not sure if she can help me.

My conundrum...well, here it goes...

I'm 33. 34 is fast approaching (like 2 months away). I'm childless. More importantly, i'm in a marriage with a man i love like fat kid love cake. We've been an item for almost 13 years and are coming up on 10 years of marriage. I've been a workaholic, non-using alcoholic for a few years, a useless drunk for at least 3 years and an alcoholic in various states of recovery for over 3 years. I've got psychological issues for sure. I'm finally on a regime of pharma that is working for me. My bipolar is well managed. My alcoholism is now being managed through my program as well as my meds. I'm stable, i guess.

My problem is this. I feel like i'm being held hostage. I feel like my husband requires me and our situation to be perfect for us to attempt children. I'm fulfilling the monetary aspect of my obligation. I've obtained a job (that i actually even enjoy!) and it nets us more money at the end of the month that we know what to do with (after making significant savings for retirement). I'm kind of feeling lost here.

I'm using my food intake as a weapon. I'm afraid it's all i have left. I'm terrified to commit to no longer engaging in my binge/purge relationship because if i commit to a perfect diet and exercise regimen and he still denies me a chance at having kids, i'm going to break in a terrible way. I don't know what to do. I mean, we have a great time as him and me and in a very meaningful way, i fear what i child could do to that relationship. Part of me wants to say "screw it! No kids!" But a bigger part of me is considering the possibility of being a geriatric pregnancy with effed up eggs and a special needs child. I just want a chance at having a natural child that isn't likely to be, i dunno, disabled.

I'm scared. I'm scared because i feel like i'm at a crossroads and i'm feeling all the pressure. I'm terrified. I want to have a child. I want to have a natural child and i want it to be his and mine. I don't know how to ask him.

Sex is a problem. My libido is dead. I accidentally had sex with him last night. I didn't have the heart to tell him that i feel nothing from the moment he puts a condom on. I just say what i ought to say and act the way i ought to act. I hate it. I hate sex because it's always a reminder that i'm not good enough. So that feeds into my destructive behavior.

But hey, i'm nor drinking, right?

If i can say anything positive, it's this...sobriety doesn't guarantee you happiness. It doesn't even mean you'll be content. All it means is that you'll be able to be ugly honest, humble that you don't have all the answers and willing to ask for help.

Then, you'll be willing to set your ego and fears aside and listen. Why? Because that's where your God is. Sit down and listen.

Hi. I'm Lisa. I'm scared and i need help. I'm listening.
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Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. -The Big Book of AA, Chapter 5 Page 58
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Old 09-17-2014, 02:26 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Wow Lisa, that is some powerful stuff right there.
I dont' know you well enough to make any kind of judgement statements, but something jumped out at me. YOu said that you love your husband and your relationship is great. But then you said that your sex life is not good and that last night you had sex when you didn't want to.
I went through that with my ex-husband (not the father of my children, that is a second relationship), who I now see was emotionally difficult with me.
I remember when I would give in silently to sex. It was the most soul crushing experience of my life. I don't want to get in to too many particulars, but that is saying a lot considering some much more violent episodes I have experienced.
I couldn't understand why he didn't see my lack of desire and why he didn't try to do anything about it.
Again, I don't want to assume anything about your situation. Only you know. Maybe having sex like that is not as upsetting to you. But it is a big, red flag for me.

As for having children, I can assure you there is no "right" time. It is so life-changing no matter how ready you think you are. I think the wisest thing to do right now is have a frank conversation with him regarding your desires and your concerns. It is absolutely appropriate for one or both halves of a couple to have hesitation or want to wait before trying for a baby. It is quite another for one person to hold this possibility as a "reward" at the center of a power struggle. The only way to really get to the bottom of what is going on is open, free and honest conversation with the man you love.

We are here for you, anytime you want to chat feel free to reach out.
A big hug to you.
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Old 09-17-2014, 06:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post

As for having children, I can assure you there is no "right" time. It is so life-changing no matter how ready you think you are. I think the wisest thing to do right now is have a frank conversation with him regarding your desires and your concerns. It is absolutely appropriate for one or both halves of a couple to have hesitation or want to wait before trying for a baby. It is quite another for one person to hold this possibility as a "reward" at the center of a power struggle. The only way to really get to the bottom of what is going on is open, free and honest conversation with the man you love.
This. ^
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Old 09-17-2014, 07:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for sharing Displaced, that's a pretty deep question. Have you considered counseling on this issue? There could be plenty of fear from your husband's side he's not shared with you too.
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Old 09-17-2014, 02:36 PM   #5 (permalink)
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This is way out of my experience Lisa so my remarks should be taken in that light.

There seems to be a disconnect there between wanting kids and not wanting sex.
If it was me I'd want to sort that out?

Maybe, like scott suggests, if talking to your husband is difficult, some counselling would help?

Wishing you all the very best

D
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Old 09-17-2014, 02:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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DG, Wow...your words are so honest and open and vulnerable and real. I ditto everything everyone has said-particularly Meraviglioso. I hear red flags, too, and I also CLEARLY hear your desire to bear a child. As a couple of people have said, that should NOT be held over you as a "reward" for being the "perfect" person that does all the right things.
I have hated sex for a while, too, but for different reasons. My husband and I have been married for 34 1/2 years but, so often, our "fabulous sex" was attached to huge drinking episodes where I he and I were blitzed. Then, I would wake up feeling so bad about myself and so guilty. Over time, I just came to hate it because it wasn't about love-it was like an orgy or something. He and I have stayed together because we were able to talk through it and work through it and we have two amazing grown children. It doesn't sound to me, by your description of your relationship with your husband, that you would be able to talk with him about all of this? Am I wrong?
I just really think you have to do some serious soul-searching about what you want most-this relationship AS IT IS, this relationship WITH SOME CHANGES or do you want something/someone else who will want to have a baby with you-with no demands that you have to meet first.
Huge things...praying for you
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Old 09-17-2014, 02:53 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Both gotgrace and scott have great points.

But as a father, i can guarantee you that having a child is the best thing that ever happened to me. I was still drinking when he was born. I'm not sober and we have an awesome relationship. So all that to say, I wish you the best and hope your husband can see that there is no perfect time.
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Old 09-17-2014, 02:56 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Lisa,
I love your sense of humor and I think I am a lot like you in so many ways
This is such an important issue for you, and if you love this man and want to spend your whole life with him and not resent him later, you MUST put the cards on the table. It is scary and the outcome could be awful, there is that chance. But also never having your family and living a sad and bitter life is not a pretty outcome either.
You are NEVER ready to have a baby. And once you get pregnant, you will freak out and wonder if it was the right idea - it was If you are mentally ready to have that baby, it will be worth it.
Lisa, sit down with your husband, make him a nice dinner, tell him how much you love him and tell him how much you NEED to have a child. See what his reaction is. Tell him you need this now, that you are ready and that you know it is scary (this may be what is holding him back - parenting terrifies some men and often it has nothing to do with you, but much to do with their family).
I think you really must do this. And I really think your husband's lack of desire for a baby now has nothing to do with how you have been over your time together.
Oh - and time to put the fork down. I understand the food thing - I get it too. But don't destroy your chances to have a baby that way.
xxxooo
Beth
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Old 09-17-2014, 02:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Thepatman View Post
Both gotgrace and scott have great points.

But as a father, i can guarantee you that having a child is the best thing that ever happened to me. I was still drinking when he was born. I'm not sober and we have an awesome relationship. So all that to say, I wish you the best and hope your husband can see that there is no perfect time.
Stupid typo, I AM NOW sober is what it was supposed to say! LOL!
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Old 09-17-2014, 06:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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ThePatman......I was so wondering about your post. Hahahahahaha
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Old 09-17-2014, 07:16 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I can relate to some of what you said. I'm 39 and at around 35 I started saying I needed to know if he was ever going to want kids. Never got a proper answer, kept in limbo. He said our relationship had some issues but he never seemed to want to actually work on them, blah blah blah. We've been together for over ten years, we have a fine relationship aside from some minor fights about house cleaning etc. It was so hard for me to hear that he wanted everything to be perfect because I knew it never would be and all the while time was running out. There was one brief window of time when he suddenly wanted kids and I got pregnant. I lost it at 3 months. We both needed some space after that but when I was ready again he'd changed his mind. Drove me mad. I can relate to going off sex as soon as the condom comes out because it reminds us that he is avoiding pregnancy once again. Maybe one day, honey, but not this month. When then??? Anyway, he seems to be open to the idea now but who knows how it will work out, don't have a lot of time to try and succeed now. Geez.
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Old 09-17-2014, 07:39 PM   #12 (permalink)
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DisplaceGRITS, I admire your openness and honesty in your post. I would, like others have said, sit down and talk with your husband. If you get along well together, you need to get this out in the open. Otherwise, you may sit with resentment and regret the rest of your life.

I have nothing else to add, only that your posts to others on this forum has always been so inspiring, so I know you can do this.

Hugs.
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