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Friend went behind my back after confronting me

Old 04-15-2014, 05:32 PM
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what was justified Captain Polaris?.

D
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Old 04-15-2014, 05:49 PM
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That the phone call to him from my best friend was justified stating that she is concerned that I was drinking even after I denied it to her as well. I guess she knows me better than that.
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Old 04-15-2014, 05:55 PM
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Wouldn't it be better out in the open and dealt with, than hanging around like the proverbial elephant in the room tho?

You're sober again, yeah? Why not start again on a clean fresh page?

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Old 04-15-2014, 06:05 PM
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Well yes. I gave up on sobriety for a bit but realized I am taking too many risks. Id prob consider tonight my start day.
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Old 04-15-2014, 06:07 PM
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That sounds like it would be a good idea.
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Old 04-15-2014, 06:07 PM
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Old 04-15-2014, 07:50 PM
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Congrats again cp, I'm glad to hear that you are aware of the slips a shave the courage to move forward. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this particular situation. Please stick with us!! Xoxo
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Old 04-16-2014, 01:53 AM
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It looks to me very much like you have friends who are prepared to loose their friend and friendship for you.
You will get through this and I hope you allow yourself the time to forgive yourself and them and quickly move forward at such a complex and dangerous time.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
John.
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Old 04-16-2014, 05:18 AM
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I hope you regain your sobriety. You probably know the stats on the marital outcomes for couples who lose a child. I hope you are getting professional help as a couple. Peace and resolve to you and yours.
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Old 04-16-2014, 05:22 AM
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To me it sounds like she felt she was doing a little mini intervention thing. I think she had your best interest at heart, right or wrong who knows.

I'd move on and focus on myself and my sobriety at this point, to be honest.

I'm so very sorry for your devastating loss.
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Old 04-16-2014, 06:48 AM
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Hi C.P..

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can understand that you want to protect your SO from further pain, but if it were him wouldn't you want to know? I don't mean so that he can 'think again about whether to adopt', I mean so that he can support you as best he can because he obviously loves you.

I can also understand why you would feel betrayed by your friends discussing you behind your back. I suspect the friend that spotted you pouring the wine went home wondering what she should have said and done to help you go back to the fruit juice. I joined AA because I was feeling very lonely because I am surrounded by friends who don't understand what I'm going through, and sometimes could act / say things differently to support me better if they wanted to, or (to be honest) if I LET them. My pride isn't ready to have that discussion with most of them yet. Do you think that it might be worth thinking about what you want your friends to do to support you? If you and your friend could go back in time to when she's spotted you drinking alcohol, what should she have said or done? Ignored it? Given you a hug? Discreetly come over with a similar glass but with juice in it and make you swap?? If you do know, then consider telling her. If you don't know, then how was she supposed to know?

Best of luck for future parties. Hopefully that was just a blip, and served as a reminder of how problematic your life can become when alcohol is involved. It sounds like you have a supportive sponsor as well. Take care xx
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Old 04-16-2014, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by jaynie04 View Post
I dunno. I may be in the minority here but I don't think your sobriety is anyone's business but your own. I would feel ganged up on, and like my friends were wielding my moral inventory like a weapon. A good friend may have called you and expressed their concern, but as far as taking it beyond that, including enlisting others to share in scolding you, seems to me to be rather arrogant and self serving.

If my friend was in recovery and I saw her secretly drinking, especially knowing she had just suffered a tremendous loss, I would be very protective and concerned. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation.
Precisely. Taking it to the extent that it has been taken is tantamount to trying to make you stay sober and we all know that we won't stay sober unless we want to. How is all the haranguing and shaming going to make you want to maintain your abstinence? I know from experience that it won't. It only makes me resentful, no matter how "well-meaning" people say they are. You are an adult, not a child. At this point, I would do what another person here suggested, just drop it and move on. And above all, if the temptation or opportunity to drink ever arises again, remember this experience.
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Old 04-16-2014, 09:18 AM
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I had a similar problem a few years back. A friend had smelled alcohol on my breath. Instead of discussing it with me, she talked to other friends. Those other friends, one called me in a fit , of rage, and the other reported it to a CLIENT of mine! I never once denied I had drank, but I made it very clear; Only the person who had smelled the alcohol had any right to approach me. All the other garbage that resulted was high school slanderous GOSSIP, meant to harm me, not to help me. Had the three of them met me for coffee and approached the issue here in LOVE, I would have been much more receptive to their 'concerns' than the feeling of being an outcast and a sideshow. We are no longer friends.
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Old 04-16-2014, 02:48 PM
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Thank you all for your advice, thoughts and sharing. I think for me, my friends are very confused. I always looked like I had it together even at the peak of my addiction and I rarely appeared drunk despite drinking all day long at a slow and steady pace to just maintain my buzz. At night it was wine, during working hours, vodka to evade the smell test by my coworkers and patients or family on weekends home (which my parents would also conduct smell tests of my cup when I was around them though I live out of state.). It is all quite humiliating. They simply don't understand that when I take a drink, it is like a switch is flipped. I can think of little else when my glass goes empty. It's so hard to explain this to people and so i never try hard to do it. I think I was pretty good at hiding my problem... Except for my husband. When people confront me about it as result, I get really, really angry, defensive and trapped. I hope my friends will be able to trust me again... At some point. I am so ashamed of my actions and reactions when I felt cornered.
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Old 04-16-2014, 03:13 PM
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Personally, I hate gossip. In the office, at home. I am just not a fan. If someone has a problem with me, they are welcome to express it to me. Of course, they can express it to anyone the want, but when they do, it diminishes them to me.

That said, if you are a doctor, drinking really doesn't mix. A local physician (my husbands primary) lost his license for drug accusations stemming from an ugly divorce.

And I completely related to what you said about the switch...
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Old 04-16-2014, 03:23 PM
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Yes, I agree. When I was in residency I was messing around a bit with drugs bc I had access. The director came to me, pulled me into his office and told me a med asst saw me take something. I told him it was an herbal supplement and thank God for my honest face and his own discomfort, he let it go. If T would have been tested, they would have found xanax and painkillers not prescribed for me. I dodged that bullet and learned a lesson. I have never been so scared in my life.

Ps My husband went out of town this AM. When he gets home, I plan on disclosing the details so I can sleep well at night. He is a good man and will forgive me I think... Though he may drive me to meetings for awhile so he knows Im there
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Old 04-16-2014, 03:47 PM
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Also late in response here, and am very sorry to hear of your heartbreaking loss.

I understand exactly what your friend is going through. I have a friend who has lied to all of us to try to hide her drinking, and who is in complete denial. We talk behind her back because we get nowhere talking directly to her, and we are concerned and want to try to help her. Even though I know the decision to change has to come from her, it's still hard to just sit back and let her self destruct.

You had one slip so maybe they are over dramatizing. However, maybe they are fearful what one slip can lead to for you and are trying to stop the potential train wreck?

I wish you the best of luck in your journey towards healing and recovery.
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Old 04-16-2014, 04:21 PM
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There is a lot of shame and guilt attached to alcoholism, and that fact always makes it even more difficult to stop because we get caught up in the vicious cycle. Like you, I hated being confronted, so for awhile it just led me to being more careful and sneaky. I think you will find that you feel relief as you move on from this.
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Old 04-16-2014, 06:52 PM
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Ill do better tomorrow... Isn't that all we can ask for? God, give me the strength to stay away from alcohol while my husband for the remainder of the duration of my husbsnds time away and forgive me for falling prey to temptation today.
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Old 04-16-2014, 07:58 PM
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CP, I fear you are self destructing your marriage, friendships, career, & chance of adoption. You need help right now in regards of your grief and it's impact on reawakening your urge to actively be an A.
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