Friend went behind my back after confronting me
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
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No one owes an explanation, but everyone owes honesty.
While the friends actions may not have been the best they are understandable. Would it have been better that they possibly embarrass CaptainPolaris by confronting her at the party? Perhaps. Is it understandable that they would not recognize this? Yes.
Would they have gone behind her back if she had not lied to them? To me that seems likely.
Most people do not know how to deal with addicts. I have lots of experience with addicts and I do not know how I would have handled this situation. They should not have waited till after the party as they did....but so what?
We do know it that it felt to CaptainPolaris as if they were counting drinks and tittering behind her back...but her account is so full of rationalizations that I do not think her feelings are necessarily accurate.
Her friends were worried and spoke to her about it. They were met with lies and denials.
How could they offer help and support to someone who could not admit what really happened?
Even as I write this, I am beginning to think that they did the right thing in telling the SO. With the adoption in the offing, they had to let SO know what he would be bringing the child into. If they had not CaptainPolaris would have just sat in her self-deception. And SO could have ended up in a pretty bad situation.
If a party brought back memories of her daughter that prompted her to drink, what memories would a child in the house bring up? If we take CaptainPolaris at her word, an adopted child could easily become a 24/7 excuse to drink.
While the friends actions may not have been the best they are understandable. Would it have been better that they possibly embarrass CaptainPolaris by confronting her at the party? Perhaps. Is it understandable that they would not recognize this? Yes.
Would they have gone behind her back if she had not lied to them? To me that seems likely.
Most people do not know how to deal with addicts. I have lots of experience with addicts and I do not know how I would have handled this situation. They should not have waited till after the party as they did....but so what?
We do know it that it felt to CaptainPolaris as if they were counting drinks and tittering behind her back...but her account is so full of rationalizations that I do not think her feelings are necessarily accurate.
Her friends were worried and spoke to her about it. They were met with lies and denials.
How could they offer help and support to someone who could not admit what really happened?
Even as I write this, I am beginning to think that they did the right thing in telling the SO. With the adoption in the offing, they had to let SO know what he would be bringing the child into. If they had not CaptainPolaris would have just sat in her self-deception. And SO could have ended up in a pretty bad situation.
If a party brought back memories of her daughter that prompted her to drink, what memories would a child in the house bring up? If we take CaptainPolaris at her word, an adopted child could easily become a 24/7 excuse to drink.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
You make some good points, Miamifella.
CaptainPolaris: How do you think your friends and SO would react if you wrote a heartfelt email revealing the truth? I know you sent a group one out -- that one really put you in a pickle. Right now you're living with a huge lie - esp. with your SO who deserves the truth especially with a possible future adoption in the works.
CaptainPolaris: How do you think your friends and SO would react if you wrote a heartfelt email revealing the truth? I know you sent a group one out -- that one really put you in a pickle. Right now you're living with a huge lie - esp. with your SO who deserves the truth especially with a possible future adoption in the works.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris 
Im not trying to trick anyone here. I just am not sure I need to lose 3 of my best friends because I made a mistake and took a drink that ended up aparently leading to more than I thought or remember (or so they say). I def though regretted it and I was not drunk. I am feeling as guilty for lying as I am let down. I don't feel I was deserving of an intervention after one mistake. Thanks for your input.
Many people on these forums, like me, are alcoholics, or F&F of alcoholics so we know just how serious a relapse can be, and also that it can creep up gradually. I notice you went back for more than one drink; that sounds like the sort of thing I'd do. The risk is that it won't be a 1 time thing, maybe you'll be in a similar situation again and take the opportunity. You're minimising what happened and that's a worry. Truthfully, hand on heart, have you accepted that you can never drink again?
The other issue is the lies. OK you slipped up, but what was stopping you saying to your SO, 'yes I was tempted and I gave in'? Because when you lie, and everyone knows it, you're doing a lot more damage than admitting you had a weak moment. You may not owe your friends an explanation, but you're building a partnership with your SO, wanting to adopt. He knows you're lying - what do you think his thought processes are now?
Most of us have lied or been lied to, so it's a sensitive topic and we know where it leads.
Hope you work all this out because I think there's a lot going on here. Once again I'm so sorry about your loss.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 151
Originally Posted by lastcallsunday
Personally, i don't think Captain owes an explanation to anyone but themselves as to whether they drank wine, were drunk or not.
If I'd suffered a devastating loss that I can't even imagine and had a weak moment, my friends (real friends)would be asking what they could do to help and offering support. Not tittering behind my back and counting my drinks.
If I'd suffered a devastating loss that I can't even imagine and had a weak moment, my friends (real friends)would be asking what they could do to help and offering support. Not tittering behind my back and counting my drinks.
I'm bipolar ( real bi polar like the character portraid inthe jeff bridges movie) anyways about 8 years ago I suffered a hard loss I went into a polar high state in which I didn't sleep for 11days , I went to a er room . they gave me some sleeping pills . I took 2x the dose and slept for 45 mins and felt t like I could run 4 miles. After 3 more days I called a friend who was /is a recoving crack addict . he visited me , he said he could physically feel my sorrow and pain , my problem was that my body was breaking down, my manic state was getting worse and unresponsive to meds but most importently I was. Getting the brief reprieve that sleep would give me . my inner pain was so high that though I didn't vocalize it I was thinking hard about taking that whole bottle , try to remember the pain of a broken heart , a lost parent and you will rember how the pain was ubiquios, I told my friend I need reprieve and that I was going to drink . he understood the situation perfectly . in my situation the consequences of not drinking outweighed the consequences of using , my friend advised me to choose the lesser of two evils , I drank not daily , but I drank during my drunkeness I got enough rest and reflection to make it another day, I'm sober again , a bit scared from that experience and maybe I don't love as deeply as I did before.
Some of you would chastise me for drinking , I don't care , I lost my 3 year gf her 6 year old daughter and 5 year old son all in a day, I can honestly say I don't think I would have made it through that period without some wine , I'm a emotionally cold person but I'm very empathic, I think if your friends would have tasted your pain they would at minimum try to soround you with there warmth send you so many cards and notes to the point where it might annoy but that annoyance may offer a bit of distraction to your hurting heart , once your annoyed they will just be close to you , listen to your song and remain quiet , at least that is what I would do , but again my emotions are. A bit skewed so I'm not really good at comforting people. But I try
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My comment is regarding honesty. I don't know how many, if any, might agree with me, but I don't believe you have to be 100% honest. Some things are just private, and those things that we keep private are our personal choices, for different personal reasons... whether it's drink-related or something else. We ALL have secrets, and I think that's very OK.
I have kept some drinking secrets. I don't feel it's necessary to my sobriety to open up things I feel better keeping private. In fact, some of those things being up for discussion would make it worse. Some things, I feel, are best left unsaid, and let go.
Just my humble personal opinion on honesty.
I have kept some drinking secrets. I don't feel it's necessary to my sobriety to open up things I feel better keeping private. In fact, some of those things being up for discussion would make it worse. Some things, I feel, are best left unsaid, and let go.
Just my humble personal opinion on honesty.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by thatcat
My comment is regarding honesty. I don't know how many, if any, might agree with me, but I don't believe you have to be 100% honest. Some things are just private, and those things that we keep private are our personal choices, for different personal reasons... whether it's drink-related or something else. We ALL have secrets, and I think that's very OK.
I have kept some drinking secrets. I don't feel it's necessary to my sobriety to open up things I feel better keeping private. In fact, some of those things being up for discussion would make it worse. Some things, I feel, are best left unsaid, and let go.
Just my humble personal opinion on honesty.
I have kept some drinking secrets. I don't feel it's necessary to my sobriety to open up things I feel better keeping private. In fact, some of those things being up for discussion would make it worse. Some things, I feel, are best left unsaid, and let go.
Just my humble personal opinion on honesty.
However, it isn't really a secret. She didn't drink alone. One friend knew she was drinking and told others, including her SO. If my SO lied to me about it -- especially if we were considering adopting -- I'd find that very unfair and unjust. That's a betrayal.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by RevivingOphelia
If no one had called her out on it, then I may agree with you on the "keeping it private" angle. If CP had just drank alone and relapsed secretly and no one was the wiser but herself, well, that's different, imo.
However, it isn't really a secret. She didn't drink alone. One friend knew she was drinking and told others, including her SO. If my SO lied to me about it -- especially if we were considering adopting -- I'd find that very unfair and unjust. That's a betrayal.
However, it isn't really a secret. She didn't drink alone. One friend knew she was drinking and told others, including her SO. If my SO lied to me about it -- especially if we were considering adopting -- I'd find that very unfair and unjust. That's a betrayal.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
I guarantee that the SO already knew that drinking occurred. We can't hide our behavior or smell from others, we just delusionally think we can.
Why not just start again with a fresh slate? Although these friends meant well, the situation is a bit unmanageable and can only get more intense without honesty, which must come from CP.
Alcoholism knows nothing (profession, age, sex, etc) other than it wants us drunk or dead, not living in the real sense....not being able to live without drinking at some point is my alcoholism, today I have a way out and it begins with honesty (for me and many I know).
Be the best doctor you can be and begin with yourself, hun. You CAN do this.
I wish you well on your sober journey!
Love & hugs,
~SB
Why not just start again with a fresh slate? Although these friends meant well, the situation is a bit unmanageable and can only get more intense without honesty, which must come from CP.
Alcoholism knows nothing (profession, age, sex, etc) other than it wants us drunk or dead, not living in the real sense....not being able to live without drinking at some point is my alcoholism, today I have a way out and it begins with honesty (for me and many I know).
Be the best doctor you can be and begin with yourself, hun. You CAN do this.
I wish you well on your sober journey!
Love & hugs,
~SB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 84
For those of you who gave helpful comments thank you. From my perspective, I am not guilty of betrayal of my husband. I am protecting him as be has enough to worry about right now. Im being considerate. Also I would never drink when I could endanger a child. I am a fit mom. I just felt backed into a corner and I am not often confronted by others so I was in a bit of shock. I used an impulse ... To lie to protect my pride and my image. I help others. I don't hurt them.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
I think you may be at a turning point, CP.
Your OP was about a difficult situation that seems to have gotten worse by the way you handled it. God knows you're suffering from enough heartache, and perhaps that's where the solution lies. But you did post your comments so, at the very least, you're in search of some sort of support. You probably didn't get the type of responses you wanted, but you've got some very good people here who are reading and commenting. We're all paying attention. You seem to know what the solution is, but the real problem seems to be lurking in the shadows.
Your secretiveness tells me that there are one or more other issues that may be just near the surface, and about which you're not quite ready to attend or mange. It could be grief, and grief tends to stir up a lot of unwanted emotions; it tends to summon each and every unresolved loss throughout our lives. Perhaps your plans for adoption feel a bit too soon or overwhelming? It could also be an overall dissatisfaction with life, but it's all just conjecture to me right now.
We tend to use dishonesty as a defense when we anticipate that to do otherwise would hurt us in some very important ways. I see you as protecting yourself from something that, on some level, you may feel unable to bear.
In the meantime, with all due consideration and in the absence of an obvious program of recovery, I'm recommending that you consult with a therapist, if for nothing else but to help you stay out of your own way.
Your OP was about a difficult situation that seems to have gotten worse by the way you handled it. God knows you're suffering from enough heartache, and perhaps that's where the solution lies. But you did post your comments so, at the very least, you're in search of some sort of support. You probably didn't get the type of responses you wanted, but you've got some very good people here who are reading and commenting. We're all paying attention. You seem to know what the solution is, but the real problem seems to be lurking in the shadows.
Your secretiveness tells me that there are one or more other issues that may be just near the surface, and about which you're not quite ready to attend or mange. It could be grief, and grief tends to stir up a lot of unwanted emotions; it tends to summon each and every unresolved loss throughout our lives. Perhaps your plans for adoption feel a bit too soon or overwhelming? It could also be an overall dissatisfaction with life, but it's all just conjecture to me right now.
We tend to use dishonesty as a defense when we anticipate that to do otherwise would hurt us in some very important ways. I see you as protecting yourself from something that, on some level, you may feel unable to bear.
In the meantime, with all due consideration and in the absence of an obvious program of recovery, I'm recommending that you consult with a therapist, if for nothing else but to help you stay out of your own way.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Hey Captain
I think the hard message is that from the outside it looks like you are getting angry at others for something that is directly and totally your responsibility. And now you are confounding things by choosing to lie to someone important in your life.
Perhaps it's time to consider owning your actions, and being honest about them?
But I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. That must be incredibly painful.
I think the hard message is that from the outside it looks like you are getting angry at others for something that is directly and totally your responsibility. And now you are confounding things by choosing to lie to someone important in your life.
Perhaps it's time to consider owning your actions, and being honest about them?
But I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. That must be incredibly painful.
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Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris
For those of you who gave helpful comments thank you. From my perspective, I am not guilty of betrayal of my husband. I am protecting him as be has enough to worry about right now. Im being considerate. Also I would never drink when I could endanger a child. I am a fit mom. I just felt backed into a corner and I am not often confronted by others so I was in a bit of shock. I used an impulse ... To lie to protect my pride and my image. I help others. I don't hurt them.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
I know from my own experiences I had far less than 3 years and slipped several times before establishing real sobriety.
OP came onto this forum and shared her relapse and another traumatic experience, some people might want to remember this. As a parent, I cannot imagine anything more awful than the death of my child ( and she is 33).
Cap, I hope that you seek out other sections of this forum and find some understanding, perhaps the secular section might help you?
I know from my own experiences I had far less than 3 years and slipped several times before establishing real sobriety.
OP came onto this forum and shared her relapse and another traumatic experience, some people might want to remember this. As a parent, I cannot imagine anything more awful than the death of my child ( and she is 33).
Cap, I hope that you seek out other sections of this forum and find some understanding, perhaps the secular section might help you?
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Hi CaptainPolaris
I can't help feeling, however clumsily it was handled, this was your friends' trying to look out for you tho?
In the end tho, only you know the players - if you feel betrayed by your friends? you feel betrayed.
I am sorry for your loss and I understand the pull of not what wanting to think about something for a while.
I'm glad you've recommitted to sobriety
D
I can't help feeling, however clumsily it was handled, this was your friends' trying to look out for you tho?
In the end tho, only you know the players - if you feel betrayed by your friends? you feel betrayed.
I am sorry for your loss and I understand the pull of not what wanting to think about something for a while.
I'm glad you've recommitted to sobriety
D
Last edited by Dee74; 04-13-2014 at 04:49 PM.
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I am so very sorry for your loss.
I don't know if your friends were trying to help you or not. I have found that I have to be truthful with myself in recovery and that's the bottom line. I am glad that you found us and that you are re-committing to sobriety.
I don't know if your friends were trying to help you or not. I have found that I have to be truthful with myself in recovery and that's the bottom line. I am glad that you found us and that you are re-committing to sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 84
I did tell my best friend about how I had lied to her and I expressed my regret concerning my actions. She said she never took it personally as "lying and denying is part of the disease". She was glad I came clean and pleaded with me to go back to AA meetings. I do feel a bit better, but I still am not sure how to tell my husband as I have disappointed him re: substance abuse many times before
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This reminds me of my RAH insisting his drinking over his lunch hour had nothing to do with why he alone got RIFd last year. I'm not quite sure what is wrong with an As brain to lie and deny. Especially bc they get so self righteous they actually believe it.... H has a graduate degree and is very intuitive - except when it comes to his idiotic self.
Doctor, you are just another lying A stamping your feet because the truth is showing you in a poor light. You appear to have put yourself in a tempting situation and you totally Fed it up. Then you lied - which is worse than just the F up. For many families and friends of addicts, the lying is WORSE than the RELAPSE.
Doctor, you are just another lying A stamping your feet because the truth is showing you in a poor light. You appear to have put yourself in a tempting situation and you totally Fed it up. Then you lied - which is worse than just the F up. For many families and friends of addicts, the lying is WORSE than the RELAPSE.
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