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Friend went behind my back after confronting me

Old 04-12-2014, 03:05 PM
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Friend went behind my back after confronting me

I quit drinking several years ago after my SO requested I go into IOP. I am a doctor. I would not jeopardize my career. Our baby girl died after 3 months and I decided to visit for my friends birthday. While there, I noticed wine next to sparking grape juice at the bar. Thinking my friends would be none the wiser, I broke my 3 year sobriety. I just needed a break from thinking of our daughter. I went back numerous times for more in a discrete manner and never felt drunk. This was a 1 time thing! Anyhow, none of my friends said a thing to me. 4 days ago I receive a call from my best friend who was not there. She said that a friend who was present at the party saw me drinking wine and refilling 9 times! It was NOT 9 times. She went behind my back. I denied drinking saying it was just grape juice and she had nothing to worry about (because she doesnt need to worry being it was a one time thing)... After pretty intense interrogation, we hung up. Behind my back, my best friend called my SO to tell him she felt i was drinking. This is the LAST thing I needed and I denied it to him as well bc frankly it again was a 1 time thing and nobody need worry. It was out of control so i wrote an email to all of them saying i did not drink and that I would appreciate if people would bring concern to me instead of everyone else. None of the 3 friends have spoken to me since. Im angry! Im not drinking now. I don't know what to do. I cannot come clean at the moment. Anyone?
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:12 PM
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So sorry for your loss.
You did drink. Your friends clearly know that.
It's their right to be concerned, but they should have come to you, not each other. Take a few deep breaths and think this through.
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:19 PM
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Welcome to SR! Why can't you 'come clean' at the moment? You may as well admit it, since you were seen drinking. Better to do damage control now before the damage gets worse with time.
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:31 PM
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We may have to adopt a child in the state of ny... Thats why. Im not drunk and Im not dangerous and it's none of their business!
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:34 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss.
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:44 PM
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Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris View Post
This is the LAST thing I needed and I denied it to him as well bc frankly it again was a 1 time thing and nobody need worry. It was out of control so i wrote an email to all of them saying i did not drink and that I would appreciate if people would bring concern to me instead of everyone else. None of the 3 friends have spoken to me since. Im angry! Im not drinking now. I don't know what to do. I cannot come clean at the moment. Anyone?
You drank, went back "discretely" multiple times, and got called on it. In response, you lied multiple times to multiple people. "It" wasn't out of control, you were - which is why you cannot come clean.

The most insidious lies are the ones we tell ourselves. If it was such a minor thing and they have no reason to be concerned, why all the secrecy and deceit?
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris View Post
We may have to adopt a child in the state of ny... Thats why. Im not drunk and Im not dangerous and it's none of their business!
I'd suggest you just say nothing then. If you aren't going to come clean you will need to accept fate. You can't undo what you've done, and telling anything other than then truth will only further complicate the issue.
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:49 PM
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Well you did drink that alcohol, didnt you?
Denial kills, honesty is the best approach, but your ego will tell you different.
You can tell all the lies you want, you are just lie'ing to yourself.
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:54 PM
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We are only as sick as our secrets.
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Old 04-12-2014, 03:57 PM
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So you are planning to adopt and raise a child with someone with whom you cannot be honest? You fooled no one with your emails and yes your friends acted codependent but the bottom line is that you sneaked, got caught and lied about it and they all know it and you are fooling no one, just making a fool of yourself.
Typical alcoholic behavior.
Your SO must be heartbroken . If I was him I would seriously reconsider adopting a child with someone who is untrustworthy.
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:02 PM
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Ouch... So much for encouragement, eh?
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:03 PM
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"I am a doctor. I would not jeopardize my career."

Take a drink and you start to jeopardize a lot
start saying "bye bye", to career, house, "life partner", children, vehicles, license, health, limbs.

There is a way to recovery, if you want it. You can find help here, try AA, NA, CA, MA, GA, SA, Smart Recovery, AV, DA, HA, OEA.
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:08 PM
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Look, as I said, I am not going back to drinking. It was 1 day of temptation. I feel bad for it but there is nothing I can do at this point. To the person that Pmd me... I don't have enough posts to PM but I was working the program in VA before but when we moved to NY, I never got back into it as the desire and craving to drink was not significant after 2 yrs time for me
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:12 PM
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Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris View Post
Ouch... So much for encouragement, eh?
Where you expecting encouragement for lying? . . . bottom line is alcohol causes more problems than it solves for those of us that are addicted to it, whether it be work, family etc

Surely your SO deserves the truth? regardless of the consequences, we all had to get honest with ourselves when we became Sober and that is the healthiest way forward to ensure we remain Sober!!
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:13 PM
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Smile

TAKE it from another drug person who lies when using... YOU LIED... MAN UP AND TELL THE TRUTH. They will respect yu and I know they will understand because as u can tell they care about you. a LIE is Just like a drink... you do the first one and then your off running. one drink is too much and 50 aint enough... Tell them the truth and youll feel better. I cant even bigin to imagine the loss of your child because my girl had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and it was because of my stress and my lies that our baby died. it kills me every day and especially when i see others with new borns... all I want is for her to heal and us start a family.... but i gotta clear my head of any and all demons first and im killing them dead daily!!! your in my prayers... stay on this sight. its been my salvation past 27 days...
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:14 PM
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Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris View Post
Look, as I said, I am not going back to drinking. It was 1 day of temptation. I feel bad for it but there is nothing I can do at this point.
So what exactly are you asking for advice or help with then? If what you say above is really whats happened, just say so.
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:15 PM
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I'm not sure what you want us to say. While going behind your back talking about you may not have been the right thing to do, your friend DID talk to you about it first and you lied to her. She knew you were lying. Should she have contacted your SO? Maybe not, but, as you say, what is done is done.

However, you continue to lie about it. Lying to a friend is bad, but lying to your SO about something so important (and yes, it IS important) is worse, especially if you are planning to adopt a child. You have blamed everyone in this scenario other than yourself and your drinking is what started the whole thing.

As someone suggested, maybe you need to think this thing through a little more.
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:17 PM
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Working a program means rigorous honesty, as someone else said,we are only as sick as our secrets. You didn't think u were drunk, but you had abstained for 2 years. Surely your tolerance was low. We always think we are the masters of disguise, when in fact we are not.
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:26 PM
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Lying is clearly the best way to go. After all, you only drink when going through profound emotional pain and you get over this pain so quick that it will never be a problem again.

Is that what you want to hear?

Is that what you believe?

The loss you feel is not something that is going to be over anytime soon. There will be other times when you will miss your daughter and want to drink again. Or have you forgotten her since the party?

You did endanger your career, relationship, and life on a whim at a birthday party.

You might not intend to drink again, but you did not intend that day either. So why would you think you are out of the woods?
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Old 04-12-2014, 04:31 PM
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Just have one final thing to add... Being a doctor, you can only diagnose when you have the facts. You can't help your patients if you only have half truths. This is your LIFE you are talking about. Everything from good to bad! I pray that thru some of these posts you gain the clarity you need to treat this situation.

Alcoholism doesn't discriminate if you are a doctor or jobless. If you have a happy life or live in the gutter. And alcoholism doesn't go away. It's treatable, not curable. Best wishes.
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