Friend went behind my back after confronting me
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
I dunno. I may be in the minority here but I don't think your sobriety is anyone's business but your own. I would feel ganged up on, and like my friends were wielding my moral inventory like a weapon. A good friend may have called you and expressed their concern, but as far as taking it beyond that, including enlisting others to share in scolding you, seems to me to be rather arrogant and self serving.
If my friend was in recovery and I saw her secretly drinking, especially knowing she had just suffered a tremendous loss, I would be very protective and concerned. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation.
If my friend was in recovery and I saw her secretly drinking, especially knowing she had just suffered a tremendous loss, I would be very protective and concerned. I don't think you owe anyone an explanation.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Captainpolaris, I'm sorry for your loss.
I see that what's done is done. I mostly agree with Jaynie that you don't owe anyone an explanation, and it sounds like you're determined not to give one. But I think for your own sake, not for anyone else's, you should start talking to someone about this. The way you say "1 time thing" over and over sounds like you're trying to convince yourself. I guess if you have a sponsor where you used to live, that would be a good place to start. Eventually I hope you'll talk to your SO about it, because this is no way to strengthen a relationship that is already coping with a great loss.
I see that what's done is done. I mostly agree with Jaynie that you don't owe anyone an explanation, and it sounds like you're determined not to give one. But I think for your own sake, not for anyone else's, you should start talking to someone about this. The way you say "1 time thing" over and over sounds like you're trying to convince yourself. I guess if you have a sponsor where you used to live, that would be a good place to start. Eventually I hope you'll talk to your SO about it, because this is no way to strengthen a relationship that is already coping with a great loss.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 158
Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris 
It was NOT 9 times.
I don't know about you, but alcohol brings out my tendency to lie. And when I lie to people close to me, it hurts them a lot.
I don't want to hurt people I love, but I lie to myself when I drink and think it doesn't affect the people I love... because when I drink I lie.
How do you feel when someone you care about lies to you?
I hope you don't pick up again.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
I would suggest letting some time pass; let the emotions settle down some. And I'm sorry for the loss of your child, that must be devastating.
Ok, so you drank one day. It's not the end of the world, but I don't know your previous history, or how bad your drinking was, so I have to suggest that you not take the slip too lightly.
There person who went behind your back should have approached you first. You could possibly confront that person once some time as passed and you're not as upset, that person may have been genuinely worried. However, since you were caught, I would suggest that you eventually own up to the slip. If your SO and friends really care about you, they should understand. And even if they don't it may be best to just get it out in the open.
Most of all, don't let all this situation affect your desire to continue on with your sobriety.
Ok, so you drank one day. It's not the end of the world, but I don't know your previous history, or how bad your drinking was, so I have to suggest that you not take the slip too lightly.
There person who went behind your back should have approached you first. You could possibly confront that person once some time as passed and you're not as upset, that person may have been genuinely worried. However, since you were caught, I would suggest that you eventually own up to the slip. If your SO and friends really care about you, they should understand. And even if they don't it may be best to just get it out in the open.
Most of all, don't let all this situation affect your desire to continue on with your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Mid-Atlantic USA
Posts: 2,441
Originally Posted by jaynie04
I dunno. I may be in the minority here but I don't think your sobriety is anyone's business but your own. I would feel ganged up on, and like my friends were wielding my moral inventory like a weapon. A good friend may have called you and expressed their concern, but as far as taking it beyond that, including enlisting others to share in scolding you, seems to me to be rather arrogant and self serving.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
This is not me approving of your lying. Let's start with that. That what we alcoholics do. We lie so we can drink. Do you have a great excuse ? Oh Lordy, yes. But that doesn't excuse it. So there's that.
You decided to get loaded. You chose to take the easy road. And when you got caught, you panicked. And lied. Been. Done.
Perhaps you can use this as a catalyst to show you that clearly, something isn't working. Or that your program needs augmenting.
Not gonna nail you to the cross though for needing some time out of your head. Losing a child is f-ing horrifying. Inexplicably awful. I imagine worse if you are a doctor...
I would think your friends an SO would get that ?
You decided to get loaded. You chose to take the easy road. And when you got caught, you panicked. And lied. Been. Done.
Perhaps you can use this as a catalyst to show you that clearly, something isn't working. Or that your program needs augmenting.
Not gonna nail you to the cross though for needing some time out of your head. Losing a child is f-ing horrifying. Inexplicably awful. I imagine worse if you are a doctor...
I would think your friends an SO would get that ?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 92
You've experienced a tragedy. There's really no word to capture it.
I would point out a practical concern. If you are trying to adopt, you'll have to give references. Assuming your friends would be references, aren't they more likely to support you if you admit you drank and admit you were not forthcoming about it? Perhaps reassure them that you had a terrible day but that you have a plan in place to firm up your sobriety. It may be as simple as saying you denied drinking because you were afraid of disappointing them and/or yourself if that's accurate. I know it's hard but being alone in a time of grief is dangerous.
This approach accomplishes 3 goals, as I see it
1. Working on your sobriety and grief. Even if you don't plan to drink again, continued work can't hurt.
2. Keeping your friends/support system in place ( which you need right now. Who wouldn't?)
3. Helping with the adoption process eventually.
I think everyone here has probably lied to loved ones. I'm in no place to judge you. I know I have. When I have finally come clean, it feels better. Keeping up false stories is exhausting.
Finally, I certainly think that casting dispersions on you for what you said to your SO and what your SO's reaction should be to that is not productive because that is between you two.
Again I am so sorry for your loss. Lean on all the supports you have.
I would point out a practical concern. If you are trying to adopt, you'll have to give references. Assuming your friends would be references, aren't they more likely to support you if you admit you drank and admit you were not forthcoming about it? Perhaps reassure them that you had a terrible day but that you have a plan in place to firm up your sobriety. It may be as simple as saying you denied drinking because you were afraid of disappointing them and/or yourself if that's accurate. I know it's hard but being alone in a time of grief is dangerous.
This approach accomplishes 3 goals, as I see it
1. Working on your sobriety and grief. Even if you don't plan to drink again, continued work can't hurt.
2. Keeping your friends/support system in place ( which you need right now. Who wouldn't?)
3. Helping with the adoption process eventually.
I think everyone here has probably lied to loved ones. I'm in no place to judge you. I know I have. When I have finally come clean, it feels better. Keeping up false stories is exhausting.
Finally, I certainly think that casting dispersions on you for what you said to your SO and what your SO's reaction should be to that is not productive because that is between you two.
Again I am so sorry for your loss. Lean on all the supports you have.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
No moral judgements but I see some monster red flags
Relapses happen long before the first drink and drinking is but a symptom. The same man will drink again
- Using alcohol as a coping mechanism
- Lying to loved ones about drinking
- Minimizing a relapse
- Not working a program of recovery
- Guaranteeing this is a one time deal
- Focusing on others and not yourself
- Not seeking outside help
Relapses happen long before the first drink and drinking is but a symptom. The same man will drink again
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
My daughter has stage 4 cancer that has metastasized to her lungs bones and lymph system As a Doc I'm sure you know her days are very numbered so you are not the only one in pain. Life sucks sometimes but there is no problem drinking wouldn't make worse.
If I drank my friends would not throw me a pity party. They would ask me if I had taken a stupid pull and then do everything in their power to get me to a lot AA meetings and likely suggest professional help.
I truly am sorry for your loss and God knows it is hard but we are alive and drinking is a disservice to those we love
If I drank my friends would not throw me a pity party. They would ask me if I had taken a stupid pull and then do everything in their power to get me to a lot AA meetings and likely suggest professional help.
I truly am sorry for your loss and God knows it is hard but we are alive and drinking is a disservice to those we love
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
To thine own self be true.
I hear justification and rationalization going on, not honesty.
Honesty is the root. You drank, period. There is no I did it because or I did it, but....
It was a choice, you made it now live up to it.
I find there is nothing wrong with saying I did something wrong. I think what you want to do is admit you drank but you want to get a pass.
You relapsed, end of story. Get off that point and move to the next, what are you going to do about it?
I hear justification and rationalization going on, not honesty.
Honesty is the root. You drank, period. There is no I did it because or I did it, but....
It was a choice, you made it now live up to it.
I find there is nothing wrong with saying I did something wrong. I think what you want to do is admit you drank but you want to get a pass.
You relapsed, end of story. Get off that point and move to the next, what are you going to do about it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won
(Sorry, I couldn't resist quoting old Walt)
For what it is worth, just my opinion
1. Never attempt to "pull the wool over the eyes" of a bunch of alcoholics! We've spent decades lying to ourselves and our loved ones, manipulating, placing blame on anyone and everyone but ourselves, and attempting to divert the issue of "our drinking" to any subject other than "our drinking". Recovering alcoholics see through most BS.
2. "Embracing a sober life" is not the same thing as quitting drinking.
3. Alcoholics are members of a club that will forever define their life. I am an alcoholic with 2 children. I am an alcoholic who has been married for 30 years. I am an alcoholic who holds an MBA. The reason I say it that way is because I chose to get married. I chose to have 2 children. I chose my career. I did not choose to have alcohol dominate my life for the better part of a decade. I am powerless over alcohol.
If you want someone to sympathize with the "unjust" way you were treated...call your mom. If you want a sober life, stop making excuses, there will always be some reason "that drink was needed" admit you lied and move on.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung....
(Sorry again, I just couldn't resist!)
The ship has weather'd every rack, the prize we sought is won
(Sorry, I couldn't resist quoting old Walt)
For what it is worth, just my opinion
1. Never attempt to "pull the wool over the eyes" of a bunch of alcoholics! We've spent decades lying to ourselves and our loved ones, manipulating, placing blame on anyone and everyone but ourselves, and attempting to divert the issue of "our drinking" to any subject other than "our drinking". Recovering alcoholics see through most BS.
2. "Embracing a sober life" is not the same thing as quitting drinking.
3. Alcoholics are members of a club that will forever define their life. I am an alcoholic with 2 children. I am an alcoholic who has been married for 30 years. I am an alcoholic who holds an MBA. The reason I say it that way is because I chose to get married. I chose to have 2 children. I chose my career. I did not choose to have alcohol dominate my life for the better part of a decade. I am powerless over alcohol.
If you want someone to sympathize with the "unjust" way you were treated...call your mom. If you want a sober life, stop making excuses, there will always be some reason "that drink was needed" admit you lied and move on.
O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung....
(Sorry again, I just couldn't resist!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 84
Im not trying to trick anyone here. I just am not sure I need to lose 3 of my best friends because I made a mistake and took a drink that ended up aparently leading to more than I thought or remember (or so they say). I def though regretted it and I was not drunk. I am feeling as guilty for lying as I am let down. I don't feel I was deserving of an intervention after one mistake. Thanks for your input.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris
Im not trying to trick anyone here. I just am not sure I need to lose 3 of my best friends because I made a mistake and took a drink that ended up aparently leading to more than I thought or remember (or so they say). I def though regretted it and I was not drunk. I am feeling as guilty for lying as I am let down. I don't feel I was deserving of an intervention after one mistake. Thanks for your input.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Hi Captain;
welcome to SR. it's good that you found this forum, you can learn a lot about yourself.
How much time has it been since you lost your child?
I was a bit confused when I read your name and then saw that your profile says you are a female.
one thing I have learned about my alcoholism, is that there are so many different aspects and no one is the same whether in drinking or recovery. how public you make it to friends and family means that you take these folks into your personal business... they didn't care enough at the time to STOP the numerous trips for a wine refill if they observed it, but they are snarky enough to run around and talk behind your back.
the only person you owe the truth and explanation to is the significant other. (jmho) Everyone else needs to mind their own business. maybe don't prolong this act by continuing to address it....You drank, you felt crappy about doing it and your friends noticed and did not feel they could talk to you or offer support, but they told others.
I'm so sorry for your loss and your upset with your friends. How and what you do to get sober is your issue, not theirs.
I don't know your past drinking problems or if they caused issue with your license, hospital privileges, in NJ there is a physician's assistance program that is fairly private but peer reviewed if either of the above are in jeopardy. kind of like probation. I've been involved with it as some residents and fellows had been referred by their program director to attend and comply as a condition of graduating their sub-specialty fellowship.
I wish you the best and also congrats on being sober for 3 years...you don't want to throw that away with drinking.
welcome to SR. it's good that you found this forum, you can learn a lot about yourself.
How much time has it been since you lost your child?
I was a bit confused when I read your name and then saw that your profile says you are a female.
one thing I have learned about my alcoholism, is that there are so many different aspects and no one is the same whether in drinking or recovery. how public you make it to friends and family means that you take these folks into your personal business... they didn't care enough at the time to STOP the numerous trips for a wine refill if they observed it, but they are snarky enough to run around and talk behind your back.
the only person you owe the truth and explanation to is the significant other. (jmho) Everyone else needs to mind their own business. maybe don't prolong this act by continuing to address it....You drank, you felt crappy about doing it and your friends noticed and did not feel they could talk to you or offer support, but they told others.
I'm so sorry for your loss and your upset with your friends. How and what you do to get sober is your issue, not theirs.
I don't know your past drinking problems or if they caused issue with your license, hospital privileges, in NJ there is a physician's assistance program that is fairly private but peer reviewed if either of the above are in jeopardy. kind of like probation. I've been involved with it as some residents and fellows had been referred by their program director to attend and comply as a condition of graduating their sub-specialty fellowship.
I wish you the best and also congrats on being sober for 3 years...you don't want to throw that away with drinking.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I agree that you do not need to lose them. If you tell them that you made a mistake in drinking and apologize for the lying to them, I am sure they understand.
While it may not have been the best thing to talk to your SO, it shows some concern for you.
Just apologize and you probably can keep their friendship.
While it may not have been the best thing to talk to your SO, it shows some concern for you.
Just apologize and you probably can keep their friendship.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Seattle,WA
Posts: 40
Personally, i don't think Captain owes an explanation to anyone but themselves as to whether they drank wine, were drunk or not.
If I'd suffered a devastating loss that I can't even imagine and had a weak moment, my friends (real friends)would be asking what they could do to help and offering support. Not tittering behind my back and counting my drinks.
If I'd suffered a devastating loss that I can't even imagine and had a weak moment, my friends (real friends)would be asking what they could do to help and offering support. Not tittering behind my back and counting my drinks.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris
Im not trying to trick anyone here. I just am not sure I need to lose 3 of my best friends because I made a mistake and took a drink that ended up aparently leading to more than I thought or remember (or so they say). I def though regretted it and I was not drunk. I am feeling as guilty for lying as I am let down. I don't feel I was deserving of an intervention after one mistake. Thanks for your input.
Edited: I think I may have read that wrong. Revised:
This is the first time you've said anything like the bolded part. If you don't remember, then weren't you perhaps more drunk then you knew?--not that it matters at this point. However, the drinking wasn't really in a "discrete" manner as you first posted. They KNOW you drank. Whether or not it was nine or less, doesn't really matter. Perhaps the three sharing this info and presenting it to you was not the best to way to go about it, but that's done. The main problem I think is fracturing these relationships, and jeopardizing your own sobriety, is the lying. They KNOW you drank.
I think you have no option but to just put it all out there…they probably wanted you to do that in the first place (despite it perhaps not being their business). If these people are close to you, they know the devastation you're feeling. I'm so sorry. I think the best plan is to confront the fear of revealing the truth and move on so you try to heal. Maintaining the lie will eat you up more than the uncomfortableness of revealing the truth. You can always say how you feel about how it all went down too to express your frustration on that level.
I'm really sorry for your loss.
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