SouthernBe11e

CP, as I read your posts my heart hurt with empathy. Betrayal by friends and family is traumatic and devastating. I would think they should own up to their talking behind your back, no matter how justified they think thy are.

Nevertheless, I am learning to get myself free of needing peoples approval of me. I've been doing a lot of self-talk reminding myself that I would rather be criticized for who I am than accepted for who I am not. I don't want to be an emotional prisoner of anyone ever again.

Humility is great because when you humble yourself, nobody can humiliate you.

I wish you continued success in sobriety!

AlefVavResh

I have been deeply moved by this conversation. God bless you. I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't have an answer for your question, but it is ground zero.

The dishonesty eating you from the inside is probably the reason you started this thread. It is why we all (us alcoholics) cringe - not a righteous, I'm-better-than-you cringe (although we may have come across that way), but more like something that twists in our guts like a parasite from hell. We've all been there. The trust my family gives me, I did not earn. It would be entirely fair and completely acceptable for them to never trust me again. And, ironically, I think that is why you lied this time. It wasn't the one-slip that you were ashamed of, it was the *first lie*, the one that fell from your lips before you had time to think it through. But you can't lie to make a lie go away. I've tried that. It's like trying to cover up feces with feces. The pile only gets bigger.

I pray you have the courage to tell your husband the truth. No excuses, just the whole truth, which I think may include drinking even in the past few days if my alcohol-radar is working. You may have to start from scratch when it comes to trust, but at least the lies won't be eating away at you.

I feel blessed that I stumbled into this thread. It reminds me of everything I do not want to go back to. My dad died and I will be going to the funeral soon. I will remember what you have gone through and it will keep me sober. . . . Thank you.

FeelingGreat

Nothing you do is going to help if you don't have a concrete plan for recovery. He'll need to see you working a program and putting everything you have into it. He will be able to tell.
I've got the idea from your posts that you're focussed on resolving this situation, but not the real problem, which is maintaining sobriety forever. If you can get to that point, where nothing matters more than your recovery, other problems will resolve themselves.

yeahgr8

Why don't you go back to AA like I tried to suggest at the beginning of the thread, get a sponsor and actually work the steps this time so you recover meaning this kind if stuff won't keep happening every so often?

A lot of people go to AA for various reasons initially. Your partner is going to be a lot more understanding if you are actually doing something about the relapse. If he sees you doing something different this time instead of just going to meetings it will be a lot more encouraging for him rather than trying to convince him and yourself that doing exactly what you did before will turn out great this time.

Listen this time too, it is part of the problem that we think we know best, which unfortunately for you is compounded by what everyone will be telling you because of your status as a MD.

Berrybean

I think you need some ideas of 'then what' to offer before you open up the dialogue and come clean to be honest. You say 'offer' to go back to AA. You need to be going back with the honest (to yourself) desire for it to work. Not with it being something to stop him nagging and hopefully get the baby you want.

At the moment you say you would stop drinking if you had a baby; as if the alcohol is making that problem better for you somehow while you wait. Yes - you are suffering a major heartbreak. The thing is you need to feel, and work through, those emotions (as painful as the are), so that you can be ready to deal with all the other emotions that would come with being an adoptive mother. You owe this to yourself, your partner and the child that would be entrusted into your care for its physical and emotional needs. Using alcohol to smother the emotions and escape it isn't actually working as a game plan is it?! You and your husband both suffered this loss, and at the moment it sounds like you're not really able to support each other as a couple as the alcohol is creating a distance between you.

afloatsober

CP, try putting this behind you and learning from it. Sounds like you are getting back on track now as a result of a messy slip.
I do think that we sometimes underestimate the horror and despair that people feel when and if we do pick up again.
And sometimes their powerlessness and terror (i don't use that word lightly) causes them to react as they feel. Desperately.
Guess for them it must be like watching us put a loaded gun to our head.
Bound to freak them when they again face the loss of a loved one.
Forgive yourself, move on and use this experience for the good.
G

CaptainPolaris

Our relationship is very strong and we have gotten even closer through this loss which I didn't think was possible. The main reason I lied to him is because I didn't need him worrying about me when I know that I will not destruct from this slip up. He worries about me a LOT. Anyway what I hear is just to trust the power of our marriage, be honest and get this behind us... To which I agree that would be best

Marcher13

Captain I've been married for 38 years so I'm used to the ups and downs of married life. I'm also an alcoholic but now I'm a sober one, my sobriety has earned me my husband's 100% trust. When I drank I prevaricated a lot about what I would or would not do in various situations, what I would reveal and not reveal. The truth was I was simply deceiving myself with the drama, I wasn't deceiving others, they knew what was going on with my drinking no matter what complexion I put on it.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your husband this Easter is be completely honest with him and with yourself. It's very hard to move forward when you are constantly looking back over your shoulderand, by the sound of things, your husband is a man who deserves your honesty.

Dee74

I used this rationalisation a lot.

The fact was my partner was already worried about me - she knew way more than I gave her credit for.

The first step to not giving your husband anything to worry about ever again is for you to make a clean breast of it, re-embrace a sober lifestyle, and an active recovery, Captain.

You know it makes sense

D

CodeJob

CP,

Thank you for sharing on SR. I think you're intelligence is a real hindrance to you in your situation. Here's my impression list for your H&P:

1. Your situation is no longer a slip. You are actively relapsed.
2. You are unwilling to act on your own behalf.
3. You are focused on nonessential issues as a cover.
3. These include relationships such as H, friends who live in truth, parents who smell your drinks, your former director who gave you a free pass, and all who you think you snow.
4. Grief. You lost a child. Don't know the details, but it is a bait and switch tactic in relation to your addiction.
5. Adoption. Bait and switch again.
6. You are special case. You aren't like other addicts. You are smart. You are a MD.

You need to get help. Today. You - not H. It is your addiction. It is your problem. I am going to pray for you today. That you can say to someone, "I need a psychiatrist to deal with my grief and some other issues it is triggering. Who is excellent and can make me deal with things once and for all?" Then call them and use your MD to get bumped up in the cue.

GreenEggsAndHam

^Excellent post, CodeJob

See, I don't think you are hearing what we are saying at all. This isn't some little thing that happened that you can brush under the rug once you come clean to your husband. This something you need in the forefront and to be actively be working on. You think you can just admit it, stop drinking and everything will be fine but it won't be.

You need to start formulating a plan of recovery FOR YOU which means either AA, rehab, counseling (I'd suggest grief counseling regardless of what route you take), or all of the above.

Your AV (Alcoholic/Addict Voice) is so strong right now that you don't even realize it. You don't only have problem being honest with others, but you have a problem with honest with yourself (as do most of us when active in our addiction). At this point I don't even believe that you plan to be completely 100% honest with anyone, but I hope you are because that will be a positive step in the right direction.

You will never recover until you fully realize the magnitude of the problem and seek help in dealing with it.

Husband72

This is pretty accurate and very relative to me and my AW. Delaying truth is deflection. I won't go as far to say that there were not stressful triggers bc there were. But be BRAVE, BE HONEST.....I swear that is why I am going through a divorce right now because my AW never could just start with being BRAVE and HONEST. Start there and see what happens. As for your friends, well I never have understood the hurt when friends say something. What were their intentions? If their intentions were bad then our Lord addresses that
Romans 12:17-21. With my AW, her rock of anger is that I reached out to others for help. I believe there is paranoia as to what I said in asking for help.

Sadly, several that I reached out to are actively drinking with her as of today so if anything, it SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE FRIENDS THAT AT LEAST GIVE A S*** about you. I would say a prayer of thanks if I had such support for my AW!!!!!!

hockeywino

CP.....I am very sorry for your loss. Second I think both sides have their points and can see their perspectives....Yes, you did drink, you did lie, you did have a moment of weakness, you are human. That said you should not look for compassion in regards to lying and justifying your actions from a bunch of alcoholics. That said I also agree that your sobriety is your business, others can be concerned but ultimately its your business, and I also believe people should be direct and not form sewing circles around you. I also agree it doesnt matter what profession you have, how smart you are, how athletic, etc, I was a professional hockey player and now a CEO, guess what I am an alcoholic, and I can live with that. I am an alcoholic because I feel powerless to alcohol, no. I know many will disagree with me but I believe life is made up of choices, and every choice has a reward or a consequence. I am an alcoholic because I choose to be an extremist, it may not be the best of choices, but its how I am built....good or bad I am going to give you 100%. I did the same on the ice in the gym and at the bar, I would give you 100%. Sadly what happens is the bad choices in my case started to outweigh the good ones, why the bad ones were easy.....That choice was easy, thats the scary part. Same for you, we all have heart ache, I will not list the long list of mine, but I chose to drink and I chose to everyday poison myself, and I chose every day to lie, mostly to myself. You have my sympathy for what happened, and your sobriety is none of my business either, but in your own words you have said why your an alcoholic. You started with the one and lied to yourself at that moment it would be only one when in your mind it was already two, then 5 then 9. Thats what happens good and bad choices compound on one another. Your not perfect, no one here is, but we all can lie with the best of them, cant bull **** a bull.... so be honestly mostly with yourself. Your gut will tell you what is best for you next. Keep in mind that everyone else has choices to. You cant force anyone to like you, trust you, etc....that is their choice. But I cant tell you this when you lie to yourself, you will lie to others, and you will make their choice not to like you or trust you very easy and very easy to defend. I wish you solitude and a very happy Easter.

CaptainPolaris

Thanks for sharing. These posts do help me and I am reading each many times over.. Trust me. I really don't wallow in self pity. My life is no worse and probably better than that of most. I don't drink and use because I feel bad for my circumstances, thats for sure. I hate when people are stuck in pitying themselves. I thank God for some of the difficult situations in my past bc it made me who I am. I drink bc Im stressed and my head wont turn off...

StormiNormi

I drank because my brain wouldn't turn on without it! It has lost the ability to produce happy harmones. But you would know all about that. I wish you success, CP. Stick around, it's a sticky place to be.

Holli

Wow, code job, way to nail this situation -- and mine, #1-6. Every damned one.

From the get-go I have felt a bond to CP. I didn't lose a child, but i almost did, with a BG over 1400 and his 10 year of life he was lucky to live. CP -- it would have been the pediatrician's clear and obvious fault -- I actually followed her out of the office and challenged her diagnosis of "allergies". Maybe she was high or drunk or hungover. Who knows, in the end we got him to the hospital and stabilized before he died.

So RU sure you want to pursue medicine with an addiction?

Maybe the ultimate irony, he recently aced his MCATs and may be a doctor one day himself.

My husband is sorta ready to be sober himself for me. And when I wavered to tonight, he went out and bought wine. How do we/I move forward?? I've struggle at SR for about 6 weeks now and I feel like a hamster on a treadmill....

CaptainPolaris

Holli.... A few things. First the me part... Ah yes I want to stay in medicine. Im good at it and I love it. My patients respect me and I have a growing list of patient families, friends and referrals. It's stressful but I would have it no other way.
Now the you part:
It is unfortunate in your case that your husband doesnt seem to care if you drink or not. While I would have given anything for people to not care or even promote my drinking before, I can now look back and think I would have likely self destructed by this point if my husband and friends and family would not have talked to me about their growing concerns and removed all physical temptation from my presence (ie alcohol of any sort). Maybe you need to impose some restrictions on your husband if he is to want to hang out withyou? My family and friends saw the damage and tried to put an end to it long before I even knew there was a problem. What do you do in your situation? Id personally have to leave at the moment and walk out of the house, but there are also times when I feel proud not to drink.

The issue is that I have t learned yet from myself how to know if any given day I will feel too tempted and have my addictive brain take over. It happened at the party. I stood there afterwards thinking... These friends knew I had a problem, why did I risk drinking around them... When other days I could have said to just give me the grape juice. One thing is for sure, you need supportive people around you or you REALLY will have an uphill battle that would be nearly impossible for me, personally.
Ps Im glad your son is ok

GreenEggsAndHam

Captain - relapse starts before we drink or use again. Please see this thread I created about pre-relapse behavior if you would like to learn more about possible warning signs that you may be on the road to relapse:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-behavior.html

Do you recognize any of your behaviors there? (hypothetical question, just something for you to ponder)

CaptainPolaris

Yes GreenEggs, and I found that post very interesting. Several are fitting of my personality and feelings over the years when I am likely more susceptible. Another for me is the desire to 'pull one over' on someone. Once in awhile I have this compulsion to be secretive... I would drink in medical school bc of stress for instance but after (never before) I started drinking, this feeling would come over me like I had a desire to be naughty and get away with if. Im not sure if alcohol did this to my brain or if it just lowered my ability to block out a part of my thinking that is always there.... I do remember often thinking though as I went to see a patient (controlling my every word and movement so It didn't appear anything was amiss) "oh man, if they only KNEW what I was doing. It was a rush tbat they were non the wiser and I was breaking every rule!

deeker

IMO You are stressed in your head because you are stuffing all those feelings that you
say others whine about. Sounds like you have a lot going on inside that needs to be
dealt with and your denial is really strong. All a part of addiction.

You are a doctor, what would you tell someone else who just told your whole story?

I think you would say be honest get some help or go to AA, get some counseling and
grief counseling. We can easily see things in others that don't seem quite right but
are totally blind to seeing it in ourselves.

Just cuz you are a doctor does not mean you are shielded from the disease of addiction.
In fact in this case it seems it is working greatly against you.

Is it because you are a doctor that you think that you should know better and these
things don't happen to doctors.

Surprise Surprise! Addiction, Alcoholism does not discriminate.

You are taking care of patients but it is time to take care of your self.

You need help Doctor


What do you tell your husband?

Hi Honey, you are not going to like this but I started drinking again and I was afraid to
tell you. Please forgive me, I am going to get help immediately and then follow through.
What else can you say? What else can he say?

And the above telling someone how to handle the situation with her husband. And as a doctor
You seem to know how to solve everyone's problem but your own.