Friend went behind my back after confronting me
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by ontherightpath 
So sorry for your loss.
You did drink. Your friends clearly know that.
It's their right to be concerned, but they should have come to you, not each other. Take a few deep breaths and think this through.
You did drink. Your friends clearly know that.
It's their right to be concerned, but they should have come to you, not each other. Take a few deep breaths and think this through.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Wow people.
I believe that this is the most brutal thread that I have seen thus far in all my time here. Not to mention that it's a first time poster. Really? You couldn't have figured any other way to say what was said?
Perhaps it's because directly after the first post there was one post after another full of 2X4s hitting CaptainPolaris in the head.
I sincerely hope that all of you who chose to respond in that manner have never lied to anyone about drinking.
Polaris, honesty is always the best policy. This board is a fantastic place that holds a lot of wonderful and supportive people. You just happened to come in with a topic that hit some nerves (obviously). Please do not judge but expect that sometimes there's going to be a call out, especially where honesty is involved.
I completely get where you're coming from. With that being said I think that even you know that honesty is the best. You truly can't fight this without it. If you don't go at it 100% honest you will always find justification.
I'm glad that this was just one slip and I am so sorry for your loss.
Honesty is always the best policy but I can understand why you're feeling the way that you do.
I believe that this is the most brutal thread that I have seen thus far in all my time here. Not to mention that it's a first time poster. Really? You couldn't have figured any other way to say what was said?
Perhaps it's because directly after the first post there was one post after another full of 2X4s hitting CaptainPolaris in the head.
I sincerely hope that all of you who chose to respond in that manner have never lied to anyone about drinking.
Polaris, honesty is always the best policy. This board is a fantastic place that holds a lot of wonderful and supportive people. You just happened to come in with a topic that hit some nerves (obviously). Please do not judge but expect that sometimes there's going to be a call out, especially where honesty is involved.
I completely get where you're coming from. With that being said I think that even you know that honesty is the best. You truly can't fight this without it. If you don't go at it 100% honest you will always find justification.
I'm glad that this was just one slip and I am so sorry for your loss.
Honesty is always the best policy but I can understand why you're feeling the way that you do.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
Hi Captain. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even think how hard that would be. My heart goes out to you. You have been strong for a long time, and I know that has made you the person you are today. I don't think anyone finds fault that you slipped, only in how you handled it. I would not worry about the friends. They were not being kind, but please think of being honest with the hubby. He deserves the truth, and he can help you through this rough spot. I am not judging you in any way. I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I am glad you came here and I hope you find a way to make it all go away so you can move on. Sometimes Time is the healer of all things. God bless you.
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Folks if you have a problem with a thread, report a post, or put posters on ignore.
Both Anna and I have looked at this thread and we've each removed some posts.
We'll continue to do so if we feel said posts break the rules.
D
Both Anna and I have looked at this thread and we've each removed some posts.
We'll continue to do so if we feel said posts break the rules.
D
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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I just had to add one more thing.
CaptainPolaris is a first time poster in this thread. I remember when I first came here I had a helluva lot to learn. All of you people taught me much of what I use every day in sobriety. You identified with how I felt and showed me how you all handled things. That's how I learned. That alone has been one of the greatest reasons that I am still sober almost 11 months later. If I had come here to post the first time and received these responses I'm not sure I would return.
CaptainPolaris deserves what everyone else here deserves. Understanding and honesty but with compassion.
With that being said CaptainPolaris stick around, this is an incredible place to be
CaptainPolaris is a first time poster in this thread. I remember when I first came here I had a helluva lot to learn. All of you people taught me much of what I use every day in sobriety. You identified with how I felt and showed me how you all handled things. That's how I learned. That alone has been one of the greatest reasons that I am still sober almost 11 months later. If I had come here to post the first time and received these responses I'm not sure I would return.
CaptainPolaris deserves what everyone else here deserves. Understanding and honesty but with compassion.
With that being said CaptainPolaris stick around, this is an incredible place to be
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,017
Hey CP
As usual, I am late to a thread. I am sorry for your loss, it must be so terribly painful. From your first post, I can understand there are several underlying reasons for you being upset about your friends.
Talking behind one's back, irrespective of the reason, is not pleasant to find out when you are the subject. It makes one question a friend's loyalty and ability to trust that person. So, from that perspective, I can understand you getting hacked off. Also, if that person was your friend and had your best interests at heart, why didnt they confront you whilst you were drinking ? Sorry if this has been posted before as I havent read all the posts.
Now to make it confusing, it is about your drinking. For me, I would instantly be feeling a mix of anger, shame and guilt. Anger that such a sensitive issue is being aired, shame that I have been caught out and guilt for doing the 'wrong' thing.
Your reaction, quite naturally, was to go on the defensive which exacerbated the situation. I have been quite guilty of that type of behaviour for reasons other than drinking and I have observed many folks reacting the same way. It is essentially ego driven.
Its important to remember that alcoholism is an addiction. Hence, drinking should not be viewed within a right or wrong paradigm. An alcoholic that drank will not make the headlines ! Secondly, you have suffered an enormous loss which I would not be able to fully appreciate. Just imagining the loss of one of my children is already a terribly painful thought.
IMO, it is best to let go of the delusions created by your ego and make amends to the friends that you had a denial argument about. Perhaps have a honest chat with the friend that talked behind your back and tell him/her how you felt about that.
As far as the drinking goes, it was a momentary slip. No major damage done. It would be a red flag that something may be amiss in your recovery program and that you might wish to review and revise it.
Be easy on yourself !
As usual, I am late to a thread. I am sorry for your loss, it must be so terribly painful. From your first post, I can understand there are several underlying reasons for you being upset about your friends.
Talking behind one's back, irrespective of the reason, is not pleasant to find out when you are the subject. It makes one question a friend's loyalty and ability to trust that person. So, from that perspective, I can understand you getting hacked off. Also, if that person was your friend and had your best interests at heart, why didnt they confront you whilst you were drinking ? Sorry if this has been posted before as I havent read all the posts.
Now to make it confusing, it is about your drinking. For me, I would instantly be feeling a mix of anger, shame and guilt. Anger that such a sensitive issue is being aired, shame that I have been caught out and guilt for doing the 'wrong' thing.
Your reaction, quite naturally, was to go on the defensive which exacerbated the situation. I have been quite guilty of that type of behaviour for reasons other than drinking and I have observed many folks reacting the same way. It is essentially ego driven.
Its important to remember that alcoholism is an addiction. Hence, drinking should not be viewed within a right or wrong paradigm. An alcoholic that drank will not make the headlines ! Secondly, you have suffered an enormous loss which I would not be able to fully appreciate. Just imagining the loss of one of my children is already a terribly painful thought.
IMO, it is best to let go of the delusions created by your ego and make amends to the friends that you had a denial argument about. Perhaps have a honest chat with the friend that talked behind your back and tell him/her how you felt about that.
As far as the drinking goes, it was a momentary slip. No major damage done. It would be a red flag that something may be amiss in your recovery program and that you might wish to review and revise it.
Be easy on yourself !
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
What in the world is going on here ?
I am on SR Right ?
I can't wrap my head around treating the OP like she just commited murder.
Am I missing something ?
CP - please don't let this jade you on this incredibly supportive community. I, for one, truly understand you and am glad you were brave and put it out there for us to help. I know how hard this can be.
I am on SR Right ?
I can't wrap my head around treating the OP like she just commited murder.
Am I missing something ?
CP - please don't let this jade you on this incredibly supportive community. I, for one, truly understand you and am glad you were brave and put it out there for us to help. I know how hard this can be.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by CaptainPolaris
I did tell my best friend about how I had lied to her and I expressed my regret concerning my actions. She said she never took it personally as "lying and denying is part of the disease". She was glad I came clean and pleaded with me to go back to AA meetings. I do feel a bit better, but I still am not sure how to tell my husband as I have disappointed him re: substance abuse many times before
Your husband probably already knows. What would be eating him is deceit, as SOs assume the lying is part of the active disease. All you can do it tell the truth.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Captain, I appreciate your hanging with this thread despite some pretty harsh responses, mine perhaps being one of them. Speaking only for myself, my reaction is based in no small part in the lies I told to keep my addiction and its impact hidden. My entire family was shocked when I informed them that I was admitting myself into rehab rather than coming home for Christmas four years ago. The staff at the local grocery store knew more about my addiction than my family, having seen me shaking in the checkout line, bottle of wine in hand, trying to act like everyone does that at 1pm every day of the week. This on top of removing my mother from life support as a result of this disease, hating her for who she became and what she put me through, right up to the day she died. Despite all the evidence, despite all the heartache, broken relationships, stunted career and social life... I continued to tell myself everything was OK.
The dam broke when I realized that if I were unfortunate enough to live as long as my mother, I had a twenty four year spiral ahead of me. I didn't think I could handle another week, and not sure it mattered. Then, and only then, did I start to get honest.
It saved my life.
The dam broke when I realized that if I were unfortunate enough to live as long as my mother, I had a twenty four year spiral ahead of me. I didn't think I could handle another week, and not sure it mattered. Then, and only then, did I start to get honest.
It saved my life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
I think when you find yourself (1) resorting to alcohol for solace; (2) in public; (3) sneakily; (4) at a friend's birthday party; and then (5) have to lie to your SO about it -- there are a lot of things here that you probably don't want going on, that all could be avoided by simply not drinking.
But I reflected on this thread for a day or two, and I think maybe what happened was a good thing. Nothing got broken, nobody died, no one lost any licensing, none of that went down. All that happened was that resorting to booze turned out to have unpleasant consequences. Maybe that was what you needed to finally close that door on booze.
But I reflected on this thread for a day or two, and I think maybe what happened was a good thing. Nothing got broken, nobody died, no one lost any licensing, none of that went down. All that happened was that resorting to booze turned out to have unpleasant consequences. Maybe that was what you needed to finally close that door on booze.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Captain......firstly I commend you on your reserve in sticking with this thread, despite many a harsh response. This is generally an extremely supportive forum and has been an invaluable resource to me.
Clearly, as someone mentioned, it seems your OP hit a raw nerve with some people.......I don't agree with the rawness of how many of those responses were conveyed to you........I do however appreciate the principal point that the majority were trying to make be it softly softly, or aggressive to the point of practically backing you into a corner ( I know i'd have been cowering). The point is Lying and Denial. Two topics I'm sure the majority of us on here could practically write a thesis on.
A few years ago, I told a lie, a lie that i sent to my boss via text. I was so drunk, sitting on the couch with only a few hours to go before work time, I made up a lie to call in sick. I'd called in sick so many times before, this one had to be dramatic, it had to be bigger than the rest, it had to be truly believable!! I started to type, changed my mind about the story, deleted, started to type, changed my mind again, deleted, started to type....you get the picture. I came up with another story, typed it never intending to send, I was just playing games in my head, practising for sympathy points..........I needed another beer from the fridge, probably about my 20th...........I threw the phone down on the couch..........with that, the message was sent.
In realisation, I couldn't believe what i'd just done. I switched my phone off. Drank yet more beer and closed myself off to the world for the next day ignoring the numerous door knocks until I could ignore the welfare checks no more. This was my opportunity to come clean........but I didn't, I couldn't bare facing up to what i'd done........I kept it going.......and going........and going, it mushroomed, spanning across continents. My family love me unconditionally and I believe when they say they have forgiven me..........I will never again however have their full trust, there will always be a second guess there.
My 'friends'.............well, they did the opposite of yours........granted, my lie was on a humungous scale to what you have revealed to us........my friends, well, they walked away. I did the group email thing, from some I did get responses, stating they would be there for me, but it's never materialised. That was four years ago now. I have three remaining friends, none of whom fully trust me.
I had another friend who after this initial event stuck by me. That was, until I let her down again. I lied again, all to cover up for yet more drinking.......you'd think i'd have learned after the last experience. Sadly, we no longer talk, she was my longest and best friend living here in australia.
Captain, i'm sorry that this has gone on for so long. I'm just trying to emphasise how as alcoholics we are so easily lead by our AV denying our actions or making excuses for them, lies just fall off the tongue...........and they get bigger and bigger and bigger. You're friends I believe did what they did out of concern, there intention I don't believe was to betray you but to stop you from making things any worse. I could not even begin to imagine the pain and grief of the death of a child. I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
You have proven your strength and stamina by maintaining three years sobriety, even as I mentioned earlier, remaining in this thread and responding to posts. I'll say no more as i'm sure i've well and truly overstayed my welcome but I can only reiterate what others have said before me and that is to face up and tell your husband and others the truth, put this incident behind you and move forward. I'm glad you have told your friend and i'm delighted at her response.
All the best.
LP
Clearly, as someone mentioned, it seems your OP hit a raw nerve with some people.......I don't agree with the rawness of how many of those responses were conveyed to you........I do however appreciate the principal point that the majority were trying to make be it softly softly, or aggressive to the point of practically backing you into a corner ( I know i'd have been cowering). The point is Lying and Denial. Two topics I'm sure the majority of us on here could practically write a thesis on.
A few years ago, I told a lie, a lie that i sent to my boss via text. I was so drunk, sitting on the couch with only a few hours to go before work time, I made up a lie to call in sick. I'd called in sick so many times before, this one had to be dramatic, it had to be bigger than the rest, it had to be truly believable!! I started to type, changed my mind about the story, deleted, started to type, changed my mind again, deleted, started to type....you get the picture. I came up with another story, typed it never intending to send, I was just playing games in my head, practising for sympathy points..........I needed another beer from the fridge, probably about my 20th...........I threw the phone down on the couch..........with that, the message was sent.
In realisation, I couldn't believe what i'd just done. I switched my phone off. Drank yet more beer and closed myself off to the world for the next day ignoring the numerous door knocks until I could ignore the welfare checks no more. This was my opportunity to come clean........but I didn't, I couldn't bare facing up to what i'd done........I kept it going.......and going........and going, it mushroomed, spanning across continents. My family love me unconditionally and I believe when they say they have forgiven me..........I will never again however have their full trust, there will always be a second guess there.
My 'friends'.............well, they did the opposite of yours........granted, my lie was on a humungous scale to what you have revealed to us........my friends, well, they walked away. I did the group email thing, from some I did get responses, stating they would be there for me, but it's never materialised. That was four years ago now. I have three remaining friends, none of whom fully trust me.
I had another friend who after this initial event stuck by me. That was, until I let her down again. I lied again, all to cover up for yet more drinking.......you'd think i'd have learned after the last experience. Sadly, we no longer talk, she was my longest and best friend living here in australia.
Captain, i'm sorry that this has gone on for so long. I'm just trying to emphasise how as alcoholics we are so easily lead by our AV denying our actions or making excuses for them, lies just fall off the tongue...........and they get bigger and bigger and bigger. You're friends I believe did what they did out of concern, there intention I don't believe was to betray you but to stop you from making things any worse. I could not even begin to imagine the pain and grief of the death of a child. I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
You have proven your strength and stamina by maintaining three years sobriety, even as I mentioned earlier, remaining in this thread and responding to posts. I'll say no more as i'm sure i've well and truly overstayed my welcome but I can only reiterate what others have said before me and that is to face up and tell your husband and others the truth, put this incident behind you and move forward. I'm glad you have told your friend and i'm delighted at her response.
All the best.
LP
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 84
I get it. I know that my actions have hurt those close to me and I know that many on here will likely be experiencing some difficulty with my rationalizations and justifications. I have to have thick skin or I would never survive in my profession. I just take what I need and leave the rest. Thanks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 84
Sponsor rec I make peace with friend who went behind my back originally... So, I did today. She replied back about being hurt that I called her a liar when I denied drinking and said she was just creating drama. I told her how I felt trapped and angry about her intervening. In the end, she apologized but said she would do it over again. She said that she had to contact those closest to me so that they could be "aware" and "get (me) the help I needed". She called it "tough love" even if I never spoke to her again. Finally, we both understood eachother and accepted eachothers apologies (mine for being a complete stubborn selfish jerk otherwise stated) and hers for not talking to me in private. We are ok. I still can't bring myself to tell my husband though that it was justified. I have slipped up too many times. How many more shots do I have ! He thought IOP would be the end of it but I persisted right through even that program
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