freethinking

Just curious - why do you want to keep a sober date if you have said you are going to commit to "moderate drinking"? That doesn't make any sense to me.

letustrythis123

I'm sorry we have to parse words. I have no interest in doing that. I will continue think of Jan. 11th as my sobriety date. That is the day my life changed. I am sober now, in fact.

True to what I said earlier, I did not buy/drink any alcohol today, nor do I desire to get more at any point. I've been honest in all of my posts. I never said I did not have a problem and since this board is totally anonymous, I have no reason to prove myself, lie to anyone (including myself), etc. I will continue to post here and I will continue not to drink. If the opportunity arises where I feel I can control myself (like I did over those two days), I will go ahead.

I'll let you all know if I binge/relapse, etc. It doesn't look like it's going that way. I'm sorry to disappoint those who are certain that I've started to spiral downward.

I should add that I don't want to be a moderate drinker. I'm not interested in that, at all. I will have wine or something in a social setting with other people, if the opportunity is there. That will probably happen about once every 2 to 3 months, if that. No drinking at home, no drinking alone, etc.

letustrythis123

I will PM you tomorrow morning. I am exhausted. It's been a busy day.

reggiewayne

S

Dee74

I thought I had control lots of times too lets - I had times when I only drank two beers and genuinely didn't want anymore.

I had hundreds of more times when I drank to excess and wrote off months of my life...

but man, I clung to those 'control' times like a sailor clinging to a life preserver.

D

reggiewayne

The idea of control makes sense. If I only have x amount of drinks ill be fine. That's a true statement and I know for a fact if I only drank 3 drinks per night I would not need AA, this forum, or anything else.

The problem is (for an alcoholic) the person ordering the 2nd drink is an entirely different person than the guy ordering the first.

Controlling our drinking (while drinking) is impossible for an alcoholic - over the long haul. Sure I could muster a ridiculous amount of will power for a night - maybe two - but my history proved that if alcohol is an option - I'm drinking.

My sponsor told me (when I was in denial). Give it a year - don't ever drink more than 3 drinks in a 24 hour period. If you can do that - for a year - you're not an alcoholic.

We've all been there. Nobody joins a sober community if they don't have a problem. Nobody quits (then drinks again) if they don't have a problem. Nobody puts constraints / rules in drinking if they don't have a problem.

I guess what we're all saying is no alcoholic can do what you're getting ready to do. If you can do it - it just means you are not an alcoholic. Which I hope that's true for you.

I did it all - the good news is our heads take us out of recovery but booze brings us right back.

Best of luck!

Silvy69

The average American drinks 9 liters of booze a year. That seems way too low, even for my moderate/light drinking friends who might put that away in a weekend.

If the liter bottle is the 750ml one, that means I was drinking anywhere from 100 to 150 liters a year. Wow. I'm shocked I am still here.

Those were your words on a past post. Good luck. Know that we are here if moderation doesn't work out.

instant

Moderation was too much bother, I could not walk the talk, over the medium term

aistar

Do you remember this? (from your post)



"These last 2 to 3 months though were miserable and clouded over by a constant sick cycle of addiction.

I just wanted to mark it down here just in case I'm tempted.

Physical and emotional changes:
my stomach has deflated to a great extent but I've still got a muffin top
my urine has turned clear. It was dark due to dehydration
to be victorian-I am now having for the first time in a while solid movements
bags under eyes have improved so much. I doubt they will totally go away because of my age
depression is totally lifted
anxiety gone
I actually have the drive to do things like shop, cook, clean, all things that when I was drinking lightly, the drink used to make me more excited and even motive me more. That stopped a long time ago because like everyone here says, the disease progressive until it has you over a barrel ,,,"

LadyBlue0527

It's such a pleasurable feeling when you try to quit, start feeling the anguish of the absence, and successfully talk yourself into believing that it won't be a problem "this time". I've been there so many times, that feeling of allowing myself permission to have my addiction back was actually far more pleasing than when I physically picked up the bottle and took a drink.

Drinking but justifying that you're keeping your sobriety date sounds a little like the self inflicted mind game that a problem drinker plays with themselves.

I appreciate your honesty with the board. You started a thread asking people what the biggest lies were that they told themselves when they were drinking. The question is, are you being honest with yourself?

Amajorityofone

Friend-

You think you have something in common with those of us that have never violated our sober dates.

You don't.

This stuff is not complicated. My will to remain clean and sober is stronger than any craving I've ever had. That's the difference. Like a muscle, your will to remain clean and sober must be strengthened on a daily basis until it becomes the disposition to remain clean and sober. Obviously, drinking does not make things "better."

Never has. Never will.

Good luck and God Bless

FreeOwl

"If anyone among thinks he can do the right about face and drink like a gentleman, our hat is off to him...."

Nothing anyone can say in response to your post will have much effect, in my experience.

SO.... go practice some 'moderation' for a while.

I know how it worked out for me. I hope you have better luck.

letustrythis123

I'm not sure why people are so angry and are wont to predict major failure for me. Just as I have not shied away from revealing the hard, honest truth about my drinking days, I will continue to be truthful. This is not a game in which I hope to one-up people by "pretending" to stay in control or proving that I can somehow do something which many have been unable to do. I guess for that reason, people seem bent on predicting I will soon return to my old ways. I mean, what gives? If that does happen, I will be posting here (I'm a big poster) and I will be ready for the chorus of "I told you so"s.

While I appreciate the stories and warnings (that's why I'm here, after), I don't really appreciate the snide comments and the wild predictions of what is likely to happen to me.

1/11 was my first real quit day. I had a few triggers in mid-Jan., but I did not pick up. Last week (days before I drank), I had a lot of stress involving a series of unexpected financial problems. I was really glad that it didn't trigger any thoughts of drinking.

I ended up drinking in a social situation, something I had been contemplating doing as soon as I began to feel in control.

I should probably stress or reiterate (and perhaps I did not do a good job explaining at first) that I do not plan to drink moderately and if I said that up above, I apologize. If I am in the situation like I was on Sunday and Monday, I will have a glass of wine at the table. That's it. I expect that to happen very rarely.

Many here have sarcastically wished me luck in my endeavor and have said "let us know how that works out" [more sarcasm]. Not all have had this tone, but for those who did, I'll assure you it's actually working out great. I'm not coming off of a binge (unless you call 2 glasses of wine x2, a binge). I haven't bought anything and haven't drunk a drop of alcohol since I've been back (day three). I have no desire, no cravings, not even a tiny inclination to drink.

I can't prove this to anyone, but I've not lied or been dishonest here--I don't see the point. I could easily join under a new name if I had some wild dreams of fooling people on a totally anon message board. Sadly, the one part about the nature of this message board is the understanding that we will probably never meet one another because of the shame or anonymity. In my case, I need to stay anonymous. So whereas in other venues, I've enjoyed meet ups and became FB friends with people after posting alongside of them for years, I know that will not happen here. There are a few people I talk to through PM, but even then I'm disinclined to sign off with my real name.

My point: I'm not posturing here, trying to say "hey, I can do it. ha, ha!" I have absolutely no desire to go back to where I was toward the end of my drinking. It holds no allure, there is a no romanticism attached to it, etc. If it makes you better to think I'm trashed and in the bag, lying, etc. or I've adopted my former ways, go for it. It doesn't change my reality.

For those of you who have offered support, thank you. I did not post here at first (I waited for a few days), because I do sense on here some self-righteousness, either people not approving of a topic, answering sarcastically, getting upset when something doesn't conform to exactly what you want, etc.

freethinking

I don't think anyone has been rude. You have to remember what type of message board you are posting on...one for recovery....for addicts and alcoholics mainly. If it is really bothering you that nobody really believes in your plan, maybe you should look at that. If (for example) I was going to try and only "gamble" a little, and was on a message board for gambling addicts for some reason, I wouldn't be surprised when I got responses questioning my ability to do "controlled gambling". Likewise, and especially in light of your previous posts, we are questioning your ability to control your drinking. And also, I have found when I am truly confident in my ability to do something (in your case, it would be the "controlled drinking") it doesn't ruffle my feathers much when others doubt me.

I'd suggest you try and get support on another kind of board if you truly want people to yes you to death...but in all reality, I think you belong here.

Amajorityofone

Friend-

And I say this with love.....You do realize that you are preaching to the proverbial choir, don't you? We've all seen the movie you're previewing.....and we all know that it ends badly. How do we know? Because we've all tried to do, what you are trying to do, ourselves.

I can't put it to you anymore simply than that.

Rather than learn a hard life lesson vicariously through a forum's collective experience, you seem hell bent on learning this lesson for yourself.

So go on and do what you need to do.

Good luck and God Bless

MarathonMan

I didn't see anyone who seemed angry, nor did I see anyone sarcastically wishing you luck. I do wish you luck, genuinely I do, but after looking at your posting history and the defensiveness of your last post it doesn't strike me as a good idea. As free thinking said if you were genuinely secure in your decision no feathers would have become ruffled.

After my business trip and my one night out I was as openly confident as you are now....after one night I'd already decided the experiments was a success and I knew i could handle it....it proceeded to wreck my life again much worse than it did the first time.

jaynie04

I am sorry you feel that way and I hope that you keep posting. I think what a lot of us are perhaps projecting is that splintering effect we have experienced ourselves. When the part of us that is an alcoholic takes over and crushes out our logic. You have mentioned carrying pints in your purse, keeping a bottle in the closet to swig from when things get rough, having a lot to drink before you go out because you don't want to drink the way you would like to drink in front of others.

I have a reaction to those kind of statements because I relate so much. But it is absolutely no my place to tell you that you are an alcoholic like me. I think if you could it might be helpful for you to read through your posts, it might help you understand why other members are concerned.

IF you are an alcoholic, at some point you will understand that we aren't talking to you as much as we are engaging with that AV that we think we recognize. It is almost an alter ego, and when you have been around here for a while you would understand that there is a familiarity to a cycle that seems to occur with a lot of people. Remorse, regret, honesty, a period of sobriety, then bargaining, justifying and backpedaling.

There might be the odd poster here and there who gets kicks out of telling you you are going to fail but I will share something that I experienced here and why I get concerned. I have never shared this before.

There was a very old thread I read, a person who had bounced in and out of sobriety for a while. This person had their hometown displayed under their avatar, it was a small town. I went back and read from the beginning and it was disturbing to read about the consequences that continued to manifest directly as a result of their drinking. This person became more and more fragile and repeatedly mentioned something specific as they felt their life fall apart. Suddenly the posts ended. I looked and there was something tragic that happened in this hometown shortly thereafter. Maybe it was this poster, maybe not. All I know is I felt kicked in the gut with the gravity of what we are dealing with.

This is a serious issue, and you have treated it as such. In the same vein however, I think the responses you are receiving are based on a lot of people who have been down a road they don't want you to travel. Like you said, we are all anonymous, it is not really going to affect any of us if you keep drinking. But if you are like me, and I consider myself a caring person, then I hope that at least you keep the door open and feel safe being here. For me, sobriety is really a life or death choice.

RobbyRobot

Its unfortunately not about the veracity of how truthful and honest we are concerning our intentions once drinking comes back on the menu as a choice. It would be super cool to live in a world where what we want is what we get in life. No one gets everything they want all the time. We all know this to be true. When it comes to alcohol, most people in society can socially drink, abstain, drink on special occasion and so on. And then there are the troubled drinkers, who have a history of sorted difficulties with alcohol although they still can put the drink away eventually and pull themselves together and move on with their lives. Live and learn.

And then there are the rest of us who drank not because of this or that in our lives, although while drinking we certainly believed we had good reason and cause to drink. No, we drank because of the effect. We drank because it really was better to be drinking. We drank because saying no made things worse. We drank because saying yes made good sense to us... all justified as better of course.

And there you are, imo. Making good sense of how having a drink is not out of the question for you. You own up to the fact it is your open and honest decision to drink, and so all is well. No tricks. No mirrors. just some honest drinking. If only it worked like that, then technically everybody could be a well-rounded social drinker and life would be swell and nifty.

Like I said before, I don't know why you originally quit. I do know your going to great lengths to assert how well you have come to understand just how your future drinking is going to work out for you. Sadly, I already know if you could have done that earlier, you would not have joined up here on SR to explain that you can make your decision to drink work. You just would have got on with your life and comfortably been satisfied.

Can you now do so anyways, after being here, after quitting for whatever reasons you had? I fear not.

You know, one does not have to be an alcoholic to have a troubled drinking life. And one doesn't have to be an alcoholic to seriously wreck their lives. And one doesn't have to be an alcoholic to quit drinking either and get on with their lives and never look back with regret or want either for what was and what can never be again.

Letustrythis, I respect you for being honest and truthful with us, and with yourself. Its just not going to be about any of that which will help you too still drink. Being true will help you too quit, and move on, and that's about the best you'll get now that the alcohol genie is out of the bottle, so to speak.

GreenEggsAndHam

Good luck (genuinely, not sarcastically). We will be here if you ever need us again. I keep trying moderation but keep having to come back here. I truly hope you will be different.

CAPTAINZING2000

There are three types of drinkers
Normal drinkers
Problem drinkers
And alcoholics.

Very few times was I able to have a few drinks.
At the end of my drinking days, I was in a haze most of the time.
I was still employed and somehow able to do my work in the lab each day.

I stand a lot to lose by ever picking up a drink today. I enjoy living life off the merry go round that drinking had me on.

Perhaps, you can do controlled drinking. The few times I tried that drove me insane.