amend

Hey Rider. It's really not a pleasant thing to imagine how you're bringing your parents (the only ones) down, looking for excuses in your husband's drinking and most of all not using mirror after another binge. Yeah, I know it's rough, but I know how it feels to feel useless, worthless and hopeless to the extend of choosing death. And it's not a joke coz you don't know if the next sip will be your last. Not your - amen - may then ring! Try to decide (best when you're dry for a moment): do I want to pretend that I'm living - bringing despair or do I want to give myself a miraculous chance - of real feeling and living? Make a real call to the nearest rehab clinic, where can be admitted the quickest and run for life!

silentrun

Fear can be a good starting point. It sure was mine. I was just too afraid to take one more step forward on the path I was on. I didn't give to much thought to wanting sobriety I just knew I didn't want THAT. It was bad enough the way it was and it was about to get a whole lot worse. It started to spiral real fast at the end.
My first post expresses that fear of not making it. I am still standing. You will be too.
I agree with some of the others posters though. You should really consider upping that timeline for rehab.

Raider

WAIT! Silentrun that I can hang onto! Stop fixating on the sobriety, but hang onto "I don't want THAT".

No Amend - very unpleasant with parents. But I have to say, I guess I never really talked to them about it, although they knew I was alcoholic, they could not have been more loving, rock solid, and supportive. I am impressed with them. Truly my Heros.

james872

Fear of failure makes you focus on... failure. If you think you don't want sobriety bad enough, think again. Do you need to want it even more?? I've seen people want it less and be successful.

Make inventory of the disasters that drinking causes, but most of all, focus on what life would be like sober and focus on moving towards that. Be happiness oriented and motivated by that. You do want happiness, don't you?

You keep sabotaging yourself because, I think, you feel you're not good enough as a person. If that's true, I'd give that one a good re-evaluation until you see how that isn't true.

J.

amend

I'm glad you've got your Heros, esp. they're parents. So don't you think that if they love you so much they want your best health and happiness. Suppose you didn't talk to them about your alcoholism coz you were too ashamed. But what better couldn't you do for them if not open up and disclose yourself in safe, loving, welcoming and always listening conditions (your parents arms). Try being completely honest with them about your suffering - it will help you on both sides. You never know how much time left you - all together. After that you'll see miracles happen. Also to you.

Raider

I thought it was best to try to shelter them. Then I finally told them I had a problem but I wouldn't let them talk to me about it. I was horribly defensive with them, almost mean so they wouldn't talk to me about it. Now it's like MOM DAD!!!! I need you!!!!!

James872 thank you much

amend

You know, the most difficult talk is with the closest; but at the end the most valuable, rewarding and releasing. Obviously, you're full of guilt now, but remember: easy does it. I can guarantee you that if you just tell them that u're powerless and want to do some/big-thing for yourself to live a better life - starting with rehab, they would be the first to be the happiest (when they're still alive), and then will be you, if willing to make yourself a human being again (with all the bad and good) - coz I'm sure that's what's inside of you. Just start it! Tell them with love and patience (remember how much they granted you already). You'll handle it!!!

Raider

Thank you amends! After rehab flying to Alaska to be with family for at least a month.

clow

Wow my first time here and i done pretty much same thing last night only it was my kids and my mate took the brunt of it thought it was just me x

Raider

Oh no clow. You're not alone.

CuteNGayYay

Instead of drinking tonight. Go out for a little walk.. talk to god.. pray for the will power to not drink for the rest of the time there if you have no plans to leave. YOU gotta want it enough for YOU. Your husband is not FORCING you to drink is he? Stop listening to that other voice telling you to drink. When you know YOU don't want this for yourself anymor. Stay strong. *hugs*

Raider

Cutengay! You are sweet. Thank ypi

resolute50

Never too late for a new high as well!

LIFE

ReadyAtLast

how are you raider? hope you got through the day/night without drinking and have spoken with your husband

afloatsober

You have a condition that will kill you eventually if you don't surrender to the fact that you can't win and stop drinking alcohol.
This is variously referred to by some as a battle, a game to be won etc.
Its not!
It is a potentially fatal illness and it can only be arrested by stopping drinking alcohol, and finding a way, with support, to live contentedly without the stuff.
When you are desperate enough, vacations, boyfriends and all the trappings will be set aside for a while as we put all of our energies into our recovery plans and getting well.
Gx

iloveme

I am sincerely concerned for you as well. God be with you. You are not alone.

Dee74

There are many ways to the top of the mountain, and for many here rehab was a part of that journey, and a vitally important part of their success

Sometimes I think some of us we need a little break from our lives and from from the world to get a kick start.

I really hope you go for it Raider
D

bigsombrero

Same experience here. I would also like to add, as a US resident, that getting into a treatment clinic wasn't as easy as just "going and checking in". The treatment center would not admit me without an assessment (or screening) - finding out where to get one was tricky, and even then you had to wait outside at 6am, or else they push you back to the next day. Once that was done, you need to find a clinic that will admit you and get on a waiting list.

Raider, it sounds like you have your screening planned and then you will go into a clinic - is that correct? Good plan. In the meantime, you should be in a safe, sober environment with lots of support. Hope you can make that happen - getting into treatment will indeed help you, as long as you take it very seriously. Good luck.

amend

Dear Raider, it's natural that you may have doubts and fears in the beginning. But trust me, when you enter the rehab's gate, you'll experience enormous amount of sincere love and understanding (if you let go).That's the safest, most helpful place whatsoever. I don't know where you'll be staying, maybe somewhere in PA? I'll planning to have a re-start there in October.
Anyway, I deeply believe that after making this first step in your new life's path, you will find a loving, respectful, purposeful way of communication with your unique parents.
Just go there with trust. Then let go and let God. I'll be with you in my thoughts.

EndGameNYC

Great insight, Dee.

For me, the break from life I most certainly needed was both detox and rehab. This was so much so that I didn't mind at all going to either. I was so bad, that even when I was discharged from rehab, I continued suffering from daily PAWS symptoms for a few more months.