KaytiP

I am on day 10 today, very early. My eye opener came when I took my 2 daughters and a friend to a concert 6/26 all age 14. We'd been planning it for 6 months. I wanted to have a little buzz to add to the fun but ended up very drunk (I have anti-anxiety meds I should NOT drink on and didn't pay attention to when I had taken it). Concert starts, security sees me unsteady asks my kids if I had been drinking, tells them they are taking me to EMT's to get fluid and sit down. I went willingly, but they brought me to security at which time I FLIPPED out, screaming, thrashing trying to get away. Needless to say I did not. I ended up arrested, pretty beat up and sitting in jail. They did not update me on my kids it was awful. Turns out the friend wasn't comfortable with my drinking and called her dad. THey kept kids with security until they called and the dad of the friend was already there, they let him in to sit with the girls and finish the concert. They missed 4-5 songs for which I feel awful as they live for this band. I was charged with disorderly conduct and 3 counts of concealing a class E substance (I had thrown all my meds into one bottle and where I live that is illegal they have to be in their original bottles). My husband picked me up at midnight and told hysterical me that we would get through this.
I admitted I have a problem, I haven't had a drink since. DCF was called so I have 3 51A neglect files, court-continued til 8/30, I am an RN and had just left a job that I was not happy at (very toxic environment) and had 2 great interviews lined up that I had to cancel because I can not pass a CORI so I can not work, which hurts the family income.
Everyday it seems a new awful thing occurs since that day, found out about the DCF 51A's yesterday. I realize there is something I can never do again, someone I've hurt, ruined my new career as no one is going to want to hire a new nurse (12 months) who hasn't worked in months with recent charges on a CORI. I hate myself. I know the blame lies with me and I can not figure out how to forgive myself. I cry every day because I am embarrassed, ashamed, disgusted and full of self loathing. My husband says enough is enough put a smile on my face and move forward, but I can't I feel stuck. I don't have my intake for the intensive outpatient program I am entering until next Friday, then I think I start the week after. I feel like I am in limbo, I feel so alone. I don't know where to start and I don't have much support. Everyone says I am doing this great thing, but everyday feels so awful and I still have to deal with DCF, the poor girls family (they are saying they are not mad but they should be!). When does it get better, when will I feel good? WHen does this "big" thing I am doing seem like it was worth it? Drinking numbs mental pain, no drinking all I do is feel all these awful feelings and can't see when I will ever be happy again. Sorry for such a long post, I am very lonely, depressed and don't know what to do. If anyone read all of this, thank you.

2granddaughters

I went to AA and committed to it. It started getting better then and continues to get better as time in AA increases.

I had to quit doing it my way and do it AA's way.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

AlexaDaly

Wow you are going through so much right now. Time will go by, things will get done, you will get a new job, and soon you will be looking back on all of this. It does get easier! I promise! This was a huge wake-up call for you. I recommend a very helpful book: Alcohol Lied to Me, by Craig Beck. Keep coming on this site every day. We are all here to support you. You will find only positive energy and encouragement here! Congrats on how much you have accomplished already!

ru12

I know that things stopped getting worse immediately when I stopped drinking. I can't tell you when things will be good, I think that that will vary by individual. But I ca almost assure you that you will NEVER have another night like that concert if you don't drink again.


Look, you made some mistakes. Learn from the experience. Work on your sobriety and forgive yourself for being an imperfect human. I know you feel immense sorrow and embarrassment from that incident, but you gain nothing positive by continuing to punish youself for your past mistakes.

Perhaps go to AA or SMART and have someone sign a notebook showing that you are attending. Sometimes the legal system treats some better if they are actively seeking recovery.

You are a person of worth. Forgive youself and move one.

BabyJane

I read your post, and although what you did was irresponsible, I'm here to tell you that many of us have also done some pretty reprehensible things while drinking / drugging and the feelings you are having are normal. I would be more concerned with you if you were fine with it and already saying you were happy at day 10 because realistically, these things take time. And even after months of sobriety and getting close to a year (for me at least) the quality of my life and the emotional peace I seek only comes to me when I put enough work into my recovery to get the rewards. I think it's great that you're looking into a program. Congrats on the week and a half as well - dont get me wrong, its not easy to do what you're doing and I know you are holding on for dear life at this point. Don't give up. You will be able to laugh again someday soon. You will feel "ok" again - the trick is to get through the tough stuff too... I go to AA / NA meetings and see a therapist. I deal with some depression even in sobriety so I have to treat that but the main key is my working a program and staying close to others in recovery. Keep coming to SR! This place is awesome. I hope you can just hang on until things start to come together, with support from everyone. You're not alone.

Hugs

least

Welcome to SR! You've got a lot on your plate right now and as impossible as it seems, it will all be in the past and you will get on with your life. Just do as you're supposed to do and soon you'll look back on this as the starting point of your better sober life.

KaytiP

I suffer from other issues as well, I have dysthymia, GAD, PTSD and ADD. I did not have a good life growing up, I had a child too young, I made lots of mistakes. When I met my husband and got married, spent 6 years in school to get my RN and then working I was so proud, I was finally SOMEONE, not the nothing I felt my whole life, then this happened and I realize all over again I am not someone, I am just the same person with more knowledge. I come from a family of long time alcoholics and drug addicts and never wanted to be one but I am and I hate myself for it.
I am not a fan of AA's beliefs for the most part but the program I am doing is based on it and the 12 steps so I will have to adapt my thinking. I desperately want to go to a meeting but don't want to go alone, have no one to go with and am afraid at just walking in...I just wish I could go back in time... I know I need to move forward but I feel stuck.
Thank you for all your responses, they are greatly appreciated, for this moment at least, I feel less alone.

hypochondriac

It does get better Kayti. Right now you are dealing with the fallout from a bad drinking experience, not a bad sobriety one. All of the awful stuff we have to deal with when we first get sober are usually caused by drinking itself rather than a side effect of sobriety.

It sounds like you have a really good supportive husband but if you are struggling right now it might be good to keep busy and throw yourself into getting better. If you have a few weeks til outpatient starts you could always go to a SMART or AA meeting. Keep going and it will get better x

KaytiP

My husband is almost 10 years sober, not by choice it was a work thing, he can be amazingly supportive or overbearing telling me I should feel this by now and not that. I love him and he is helping but he is not enough, plus he just left for Guam. He has his mom here to "babysit" me as he doesn't trust me to not drink. Just thinking about 6/26 makes me not want to drink. But I need to find something to do, I want to lie in bed all day and cry.

2granddaughters

Call the AA number in your phone book and talk to someone. I'm sure they'll come and pick you up for your first meeting(s) if you ask.

I think you know that AA will work for you. You just have to get over that fear that we all have getting through the door the first time.

You can do it !!

All the best.

Bob R

WhiteFeathers

I'm so sorry that happened to you! Congrats on the 10 days.

I got here because my daughter (7) invited her friend to come over after school. While they were playing, I downed, I don't know, 2 bottles of champagne + wine and when the friend's dad came to pick her up, I was passed out drunk as a skunk on the couch.

I was so embarrassed and I was so angry at myself for potentially ruining my daughter's friendship with her best friend. Would her parents ever let her come to our house again??

They haven't brought it up and the girls have had a couple playdates since (all at their house).

Have you consulted with a lawyer regarding the drug charges? Perhaps some of the legal ramifications can be minimized??

ippochick

katy, everything you say resonates with me. my daughter had to reschedule her sleepover to her dad's house at short notice as she came home from school on the fridayband i was passed out drunk on the couch.

i know with all honesty that, had i 'got away with it' that friday i would have drunk in secret on the saturday, with someone else's daughter in my sole care.

on days like today i wish i had done it differently, so i could still go out and drink with my hubby and friends. but i would have poisoned my relationship with my daughter. her father made is clear that if there was one more incident he would start proceedings to apply for full custody of her.

i have 21 days sober tomorrow.

be strong and fight this. you are not alone.

Nighthawk8820

Wow, that is some ordeal. Sometimes though, it takes a situation like that to really wake us up and realize how deep we are into the cycle of addiction. You can get sober though, and it really is a much better way of life. Britney Spears is one of my favorite singers of all time. I got tickets one xmas from my dad. I waited in anticipation for months, but I got drunk at the show and barely remember it. I had waited SO long to see her, and I missed it due to alcohol. Luckily, I was given another shot a year ago, and since I was sober, I enjoyed every second and the memories of that night are ingrained in my memory.

Alcohol ruins everything, and just drags you into the mud. You now see you have a problem, and its not going to go away or get better on its own. You can take charge, but it takes work and you have to be proactive. Go for this, get sober, and see what happens. For me, my life changed for the better in every way possible, more than I could have imagined when I was using. It is rocky at the start, emotions ebb and flow, and you get depressed and anxious. That is just withdrawal, and it WILL pass. Recognize anything you feel now, remember it ALWAYS, and know it will get better. You can fix everything you feel you have ruined if you take action and live life sober. It may seem overwhelming now and all doom and gloom, but its always darkest right before the dawn, right?Hang in there!

Junegirl

Kaiti,

I'm so sorry about everything you're going through. Right now it must seem like you'll never get through it all, but you will. Keep the faith and stay strong in your sobriety.

Junegirl

Isaiah

Hey KaytiP,

Some of the getting better simply takes time. Especially the part where we have to start forgiving ourselves. There are things you and all of us can do to make the good parts come faster. I think becoming a part of a recovery group is perhaps the best way. Not only is there support in person, good advice to be gained, but it's the most potent way to show your family that you care (actions louder than words.) They obviously care a lot about you, so I know they'd rather see you succeed and get better than see you miserable.

I also second calling the AA intergroup number if you want someone to go to the meeting with you. Not something I've ever done, but if someone happened to call me and ask if I would accompany some stranger to their first meeting, I would not hesitate for a minute.

Malachi

Hi Kayti, other posters have offered so much good advice and lessons from their experiences that I don't think I can add much. I just wanted to say welcome and I'm sending you positive vibes!

Malachi

And this:

You are STILL someone. Someone special and worthwhile in this world. You are NOT the mistakes you have made. Don't let that define you.

spicymustard

I sent you a PM.

KaytiP

Growing up there were some friends I had that were more like family to me. Over the years we grew apart, but talking with any of them is like no time passed. I called their mom, whom I call "mum" since she basically helped raise me and my kids call her Grammy. Her daughter has been fighting pill addiction for quite some time. She was clean but relapsed when she had her baby via c-section & had to have narcotics. It took her time in detox and a sober house but she is back home. Anyway mum has been helping her for years so I called her today and told her what happened and she was wonderful. She called a friend she knows in AA and asked what would be a good starter meeting and she is picking me up tomorrow a.m. and going with me. I am scared, but also happy.

KaytiP

I haven't talked to the parents of the friend yet, my husband has and they seem ok. The dad said they have had to help family with addictions and understand. I hope so because I am going to have to go there and apologize when I can do it.