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Old 07-06-2013, 03:28 PM   #1 (permalink)
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New beginnings


this is my first post,I'm coming down off a small but destructive run,I was able to not let things get so insane but bad enough,I just feel everything is uncertain and not safe,my partner of almost three years is probably very sick of me at this point,he'll,I'd be sick of me if I were him..I know the road home is long and hard but I sit here and wonder why things are the same and yet I don't do anything to change. I hate going to meetings,yet,I know the program works.ive been on suboxone for over three years but I can't keep from misusing that.im in withdrawal as I write this and I'm hating life right now. I just want the simple domestic life that's right in front of me but I always manage to do stupid **** and screw everything up and then sit back and cry about it...can u say sick and tired of being sick and tired,I'm turning 51 in a few weeks and its long overdue that I grow up and wear my big boy pants as my baby so fondly says!!i want to,it's just I'm thinking when **** is going good and smooth I'm so freaking uncomfortable I want to rip my skin off and start some kind of drama just so it feels normal..oh did I mention I'm dual diagnosed ,bi-polar and a junkie.so I've been sitting here wanting change but doing nothing to make it happen except put **** in my system that doesn't belong there. I was told today by my partner to do something,like get a community and a Spenser and do it now ..so,here I go ,an attempt. Any feedback of any kind will be greatly appreciated...
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Old 07-06-2013, 03:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR! Glad you are here. I totally understand what you mean about being uncomfortable when things are going smoothly. As an addict, chaos and confusion was the "normal" way of life. It was all that I knew. Things do get better in recovery. It will take some time. Keep posting. This is a great place to get support. WE do recover.
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Old 07-06-2013, 03:44 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Yeah, I have to admit, I loved the drama too, and the adrenaline rush of getting away with drinking one more time. You can let go of that though and live the peaceful life you want.

I'm glad you found us.
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Old 07-06-2013, 03:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hello and welcome to SR. Take time to read around some of the forums and find out what is working for others. There are many inspiring stories of success on SR and we are happy to welcome you aboard x
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Old 07-06-2013, 04:59 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JettBoy View Post
this is my first post,I'm coming down off a small but destructive run,I was able to not let things get so insane but bad enough,I just feel everything is uncertain and not safe,my partner of almost three years is probably very sick of me at this point,he'll,I'd be sick of me if I were him..I know the road home is long and hard but I sit here and wonder why things are the same and yet I don't do anything to change. I hate going to meetings,yet,I know the program works.ive been on suboxone for over three years but I can't keep from misusing that.im in withdrawal as I write this and I'm hating life right now. I just want the simple domestic life that's right in front of me but I always manage to do stupid **** and screw everything up and then sit back and cry about it...can u say sick and tired of being sick and tired,I'm turning 51 in a few weeks and its long overdue that I grow up and wear my big boy pants as my baby so fondly says!!i want to,it's just I'm thinking when **** is going good and smooth I'm so freaking uncomfortable I want to rip my skin off and start some kind of drama just so it feels normal..oh did I mention I'm dual diagnosed ,bi-polar and a junkie.so I've been sitting here wanting change but doing nothing to make it happen except put **** in my system that doesn't belong there. I was told today by my partner to do something,like get a community and a Spenser and do it now ..so,here I go ,an attempt. Any feedback of any kind will be greatly appreciated...
Well, arriving to the place you are now, where you are just fed up with it all, is a great place to finally get to. You can free yourself from all this crap, but you gotta kick the using. Its not easy and withdrawal blows, but its worth it. Get proactive, ask questions on here, research online everything under the sun about your addiction, and never, EVER forget how you feel right this moment, because time tends to distort ones thinking, and for an addict to get comfy or forget how bad it was, is a one way ticket to relapsing. Tell your partner what you are trying to do, and how you plan to do it. There is no weaning or trying to moderate yourself, because that just will not work. If you need to try it to see what I mean, then by all means. If you mess up, get back up and try again.
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Old 07-06-2013, 05:12 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome JettBoy! You are definitely not alone with those feelings. We all understand.

I was your age when I finally admitted I could never touch another drop of alcohol. I had no control, so every time I picked up it was a nightmare - never knew what the outcome would be. It was dangerous and damaging each time. It was so much easier to stop trying to manage it and just quit. I was exhausted from attempting to just have 'a few'. It never worked. I hope you find the encouragement you need by being here Jett. We know you can rise above this and have a better life.
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Old 07-06-2013, 05:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR JettBoy

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Old 07-06-2013, 07:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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to the family! I'm glad you're here.
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Old 07-07-2013, 07:27 AM   #9 (permalink)
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New beginnings continued

Well,after a busy day at work and dinner with my partner who's barely speaking to me and his mom,I came home,crawled into bed and laid here.i can't sleep,part of the withdrawal thing is no sleep.i go back to my doctor on Tuesday ,I'm going to give the suboxone one last try. I had my pharmacist hold it and I went in and picked it up every other day,that seemed to work well,it's when I take matters into my own hands is when the problems arise.I'm going to have to be straight with my doc which is not an easy thing for me ever.I'm hoping she doesn't cut me off but if she does well maybe it's the way it's supposed to be.I'm feeling really alone,my partner tends to shut down and not talk when these things go down,I understand its his way of coping but it just makes me feel worse than I already do. I think he's at the point that he's really almost done with me and my bs,I don't know if I could handle a breakup at this point. We have been engaged for two years and I told him once I had a year clean we'd get married,haven't made the year yet. So many feelings and emotions and feeling ****** on top of everything else doesn't help anything at all,I know I have to keep my head up and keep plugging forward.i feel like even the cat is mad at me.lol I guess the only thing to do is read what. U guys write back to me and keep doing work,not just saying it but actually doing something,I'm really hoping this is doing something.i appreciate all the feedback,it makes me feel not so alone...
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Old 07-07-2013, 11:43 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi Jett - thanks for the update. (Things are a little slow on the weekends here - but I'm sure others will be along.)

I definitely think our pets know when we screw up. Glad you are doing some thinking about the suboxone & the best way to handle it. Sounds like you're feeling a bit better & thinking more clearly. I relied on alcohol to cope my entire life. It was so hard to give up the idea that I'd get any relief from it - but I had to admit it only brought me misery in the end. We're much better off dealing with things clear headed and with eyes wide open. It's painful at times - but the only way to really participate in life.

Not sleeping is awful - but those withdrawal symptoms will come to an end. This can be the last time you ever have to go through this. I'm glad you're seeing your doctor on Tues. I hope you'll tell her what you've told us - that's the only way she can help you. It'll feel good to get it out in the open.
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You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

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Old 07-07-2013, 12:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi Jett. Welcome to SR. I have a close family member who is bipolar. I've seen him self-medicate while trying to cope in the past. I'm glad you're fighting hard to try to change. You're not alone. All of us here are fighting that same fight.
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