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REALLY struggling today!

Old 05-03-2013, 01:52 PM
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REALLY struggling today!

First, a little about my past before I get to the topic:

I am pretty new here, and pretty new to sobriety (the 2nd time around). I went through an outpatient program 2 years ago and really just "coasted" thru the program and thought I was magically "cured" after graduating. I didn't work the program, I didn't continue going to AA, and I didn't find a sponsor. Needless to say I only stayed sober less than 6 months. I gradually began to drink again socially and thought I had my had my addiction under control... boy was I wrong.

Fast forward a little bit to 12/31/11. I was still "socially" drinking and telling myself I wasn't an addict. That night I reconnected with my high school sweetheart. It had been about 5 years since we had any contact. We instantly hit it off again and started dating and things progressed very fast. After 6 months we started talking about marriage. On 12/15/12 I proposed and she said yes with great enthusiasm. We thought things were great. Little did she know that my addiction had slowly been progressing over the year that we had reconnected. It went from socially drinking with friends, to drinking a pint a day 1x/week, to about 3-4 times per week once we got engaged. Up to this point she had NO IDEA of my past or my addiction. At the beginning of this year things really got worse and I couldn't control my addiction any longer. I was drinking uncontrollably any day that I wasn't with her. To make things worse she worked nights so it was very easy for me to hide it from her. My drinking got so bad that it carried over into the daytime where she caught be numerous times. She would give me chance after chance after chance. Finally, on 4/11/13 she had enough when she found me passed out before she left for work. She walked out and I have not talked to her since.
For the next 2 weeks I was a wreck and drank to the point of blacking out almost daily. For some odd reason one day I decided just to stop drinking and to get help through an outpatient program and I have dedicated myself to AA this time. I started the outpatient program this last Tuesday and started AA at the same time.

Now to the actual point of this post:
Today I am really struggling with my sobriety... actually more the loss of my fiancee. I have not spoken with her since she broke it off and it's eating away at me. I've been doing great with my outpatient program and I am getting excellent feedback from my group on how I've been doing. But deep down I can't let go. I can't help but think I'm only doing this for her. I tell myself I'm doing it for me, but today I started to question that; I really want to do this for myself so I can find who I am as a person. I've also been doing well with AA. I've gone every day and made sure they are all discussion programs so I can voice my struggles. I don't just go to say that I go. I am participating and actively seeking a sponsor.
I know that grief is a process but today has been extremely hard for some reason, and it's only going to get harder next week. Her birthday is Monday, and we were supposed to get married May 11th. I'm so fearful of next week and what that's going to bring.

My question to anyone/everyone here is two-fold:
1. Has anyone experienced anything like this due to your alcoholism, and if so how did you cope and get thru it? and;
2. Can anyone give me guidance for next week? I feel it's going to be the toughest week of my life and my anxiety is almost uncontrollable right now.

Thank you to everyone in advance who responds.
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Old 05-03-2013, 02:14 PM
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Hello & welcome Lastchance. I don't feel qualified to offer any advice, but I wanted to welcome you.

Please be gentle with yourself as you are in early recover. Take it an hour at a time, or a minute if need be. Focus in the positive changes you can make by this single act of not drinking. What's done is done. This may not be the end, I've heard plenty of happy ending stories, but right now is time to focus on you and only you.

Huge hug

S x
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Old 05-03-2013, 02:28 PM
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As to question 1) Yes. I have really only been in love once and I left that man because he was holding me back from diving headlong into drinking and drugging. He loved me unconditionally yet I pushed him away.

2) Since you choose AA as your recovery program I would strongly suggest you stay very close to your sponsor and the people in the rooms. If you can't do this for you then just do it anyway. Do not drink and allow yourself the gift of being sober.

I quit years ago for my kids. 13 years without a drink.

Best to you.
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Old 05-03-2013, 02:34 PM
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I can't say I have an answer for you either. I have experienced ruined relationships in the past, however, and though not all have been repaired, some have. It took time for me, but it happened. And it only happened through staying sober and doing the right thing.

I can't say that I know the formula for staying sober. I know that on some days it took willpower. On other days it took a defense that only came through seeking that constant contact with my higher power. Still other days it took me going to 4-5 meetings, constantly surrounding myself with people. I am sitting at just over 3 months right now, and I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I don't have financial security. Some days I am hungry without a way to fix that. Other days I am lonely and pissed off. But every day I am sober somehow it works out in the end.
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Old 05-03-2013, 02:57 PM
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Hey I can't give you any advice but I will say stick at what your doing. Stay sober and stay seeking help and at least prove to your ex you have the ability and drive to change your life. You are doing this for yourself. No one wants to coast through life drunk and lonely do they really? Your doing excellently and stick with it
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Old 05-03-2013, 03:03 PM
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My thoughts and prayers are with you this week. Here are some of my thoughts-
What if you called her and asked her to go for coffee or something for her birthday? No pressure to get back together or anything, just a chance to give her a card and let her know how much you still care. You could come clean with her and let her know what you are doing for yourself.
If she says no, then mail her a card.
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Old 05-03-2013, 03:10 PM
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Hi, lastchance24. First off, I'm sorry about your fiancÚ, but it is really great that you are getting help and serious about staying sober. Does your fiancÚ know you are making the effort?
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Old 05-03-2013, 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Ladybug2 View Post
Hi, lastchance24. First off, I'm sorry about your fiancÚ, but it is really great that you are getting help and serious about staying sober. Does your fiancÚ know you are making the effort?
Yes she knows exactly what I'm doing to get sober. Her best friend and my best friend from high school have been married for almost 9 years so my progress gets to her I'm sure.
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Old 05-03-2013, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Ladybug2 View Post
My thoughts and prayers are with you this week. Here are some of my thoughts-
What if you called her and asked her to go for coffee or something for her birthday? No pressure to get back together or anything, just a chance to give her a card and let her know how much you still care. You could come clean with her and let her know what you are doing for yourself.
If she says no, then mail her a card.
That's a really hard one to answer. I hurt her so much and it's only been 2 weeks since it happened. I'm only 1 week in to my sobriety and I still think she is trying to heal. I talked to her best friend and she told me that it would be best for me to just work on myself and left my ex-fiancee work through this on her own for now.

I really want to sit down with her and talk, but after she broke it off I promised her that I wouldn't contact her until she was ready to talk. She is the type of person that needs to think things through before she's ready to talk. I think that she will come to me when she's ready to talk, but I don't know.

I'm sure I will contact her in some way, shape, or form on her birthday but it will be very brief because I don't want to set her back in her grieving process either. I'm sure she is grieving just like I am...and I believe sitting down with her right now would set us both back.

I have actually sent her a few text messages right after we broke up and there was no response, so I took that as a sign that she will talk to me when she is ready.

One thing that was kind of an issue in our relationship was that I was kind of clingy, and she hated that. Now that we're not even together I don't want to still be that person. She doesn't need that, and frankly neither do I because talking to her could go one of 2 ways:
1. We have a a great conversation and I get hope that we're going to get back together. Then if we don't get back together in the future it will only hurt worse.
2. She doesn't respond to my request to talk and it just sets me back in my recovery.


My plan right now is to let our proposed wedding date pass (May 11th), and see what happens after that. I think that's going to be an extremely hard day for both of us and talking to her before that will only make it harder on both of us when that day comes.
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Old 05-03-2013, 03:26 PM
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Keep doing this for yourself lastchance. As regards your ex I'm in a similar position to you. My girlfriend of six yrs and I broke up recently too and I miss her everyday. Someone gave me good advice as regards relationships "hope for the best and prepare for the worst". Even if you and your ex don't get back together don't let that derail you. Keep thinking of the worst case scenario and learn to deal with it if it arrives. Honestly it's good advice I've yet to see if I myself can actually heed it though :-), but everyday I go over worst case scenarios. Look hopefully I'll never have to actually live through them but fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

Keep up the good work your not alone here
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Old 05-03-2013, 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Darkplace2013 View Post
Keep doing this for yourself lastchance. As regards your ex I'm in a similar position to you. My girlfriend of six yrs and I broke up recently too and I miss her everyday. Someone gave me good advice as regards relationships "hope for the best and prepare for the worst". Even if you and your ex don't get back together don't let that derail you. Keep thinking of the worst case scenario and learn to deal with it if it arrives. Honestly it's good advice I've yet to see if I myself can actually heed it though :-), but everyday I go over worst case scenarios. Look hopefully I'll never have to actually live through them but fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

Keep up the good work your not alone here
Great advice, thank you! That's pretty much the motto I've been going with right now. I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I don't EXPECT to get back together because of the pain I put her through. All I can do is get sober and work the program... and if God brings us back together then it was meant to be.
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Old 05-03-2013, 03:34 PM
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Best of luck to you and I'll think of you in my prayers tonight. Keep us all updated on your progress cause SR is actually a great tool you will find yourself coming here everyday and everyone on here has a common goal.
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Old 05-03-2013, 07:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Darkplace2013 View Post
Best of luck to you and I'll think of you in my prayers tonight. Keep us all updated on your progress cause SR is actually a great tool you will find yourself coming here everyday and everyone on here has a common goal.
Thank you! I'm praying the next week goes as smoothly as possible! If it does, I think my sobriety will really take off and I can put all of this behind me. I can't wait for May 11th to come and go!
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Old 05-03-2013, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by lastchance24 View Post
First, a little about my past before I get to the topic:

I am pretty new here, and pretty new to sobriety (the 2nd time around). I went through an outpatient program 2 years ago and really just "coasted" thru the program and thought I was magically "cured" after graduating. I didn't work the program, I didn't continue going to AA, and I didn't find a sponsor. Needless to say I only stayed sober less than 6 months. I gradually began to drink again socially and thought I had my had my addiction under control... boy was I wrong.

Fast forward a little bit to 12/31/11. I was still "socially" drinking and telling myself I wasn't an addict. That night I reconnected with my high school sweetheart. It had been about 5 years since we had any contact. We instantly hit it off again and started dating and things progressed very fast. After 6 months we started talking about marriage. On 12/15/12 I proposed and she said yes with great enthusiasm. We thought things were great. Little did she know that my addiction had slowly been progressing over the year that we had reconnected. It went from socially drinking with friends, to drinking a pint a day 1x/week, to about 3-4 times per week once we got engaged. Up to this point she had NO IDEA of my past or my addiction. At the beginning of this year things really got worse and I couldn't control my addiction any longer. I was drinking uncontrollably any day that I wasn't with her. To make things worse she worked nights so it was very easy for me to hide it from her. My drinking got so bad that it carried over into the daytime where she caught be numerous times. She would give me chance after chance after chance. Finally, on 4/11/13 she had enough when she found me passed out before she left for work. She walked out and I have not talked to her since.
For the next 2 weeks I was a wreck and drank to the point of blacking out almost daily. For some odd reason one day I decided just to stop drinking and to get help through an outpatient program and I have dedicated myself to AA this time. I started the outpatient program this last Tuesday and started AA at the same time.

Now to the actual point of this post:
Today I am really struggling with my sobriety... actually more the loss of my fiancee. I have not spoken with her since she broke it off and it's eating away at me. I've been doing great with my outpatient program and I am getting excellent feedback from my group on how I've been doing. But deep down I can't let go. I can't help but think I'm only doing this for her. I tell myself I'm doing it for me, but today I started to question that; I really want to do this for myself so I can find who I am as a person. I've also been doing well with AA. I've gone every day and made sure they are all discussion programs so I can voice my struggles. I don't just go to say that I go. I am participating and actively seeking a sponsor.
I know that grief is a process but today has been extremely hard for some reason, and it's only going to get harder next week. Her birthday is Monday, and we were supposed to get married May 11th. I'm so fearful of next week and what that's going to bring.

My question to anyone/everyone here is two-fold:
1. Has anyone experienced anything like this due to your alcoholism, and if so how did you cope and get thru it? and;
2. Can anyone give me guidance for next week? I feel it's going to be the toughest week of my life and my anxiety is almost uncontrollable right now.

Thank you to everyone in advance who responds.
I am actually struggling through similar issues in my sobriety. I can not answer how to go about it, but today i did just as you are and posted here. I got a response back about meetings close to my area, which is way out in the woods of florida, but i got myself together and attended one. Even if you regulary go to meetings, maybe try and hit a few extra this week, hit some new ones, Keep posting on here when you are struggling.
Another thing i have done, it write a letter to the person, not to send it, but just for myself to release some of the pain i feel. I still use that method, sometimes i even just sit down and write a letter to myself.

I am not sure if any of this will help, but i thought i would give you a heads up that you are not alone.

Your main goal is your sobriety, even if you do not get back together, just know that you still have yourself. Good luck to you!!!

thank you.
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by totalchange View Post
I am actually struggling through similar issues in my sobriety. I can not answer how to go about it, but today i did just as you are and posted here. I got a response back about meetings close to my area, which is way out in the woods of florida, but i got myself together and attended one. Even if you regulary go to meetings, maybe try and hit a few extra this week, hit some new ones, Keep posting on here when you are struggling.
Another thing i have done, it write a letter to the person, not to send it, but just for myself to release some of the pain i feel. I still use that method, sometimes i even just sit down and write a letter to myself.

I am not sure if any of this will help, but i thought i would give you a heads up that you are not alone.

Your main goal is your sobriety, even if you do not get back together, just know that you still have yourself. Good luck to you!!!

thank you.

Thank you! I haven't sat down to write the letter yet, but I think that would be a good thing to do on May 11th. From all of the responses I've received (both on here, group, and AA) it all seems to be the same... your sobriety comes first. And I completely realize that. It's just hard to put into action sometimes. Especially when I'm only 2 weeks out from the break-up. However it has gotten a little better with the little time that's passed. And I'm hoping to stay active on here as another form of support. Thank you to everyone!
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:49 PM
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You will find your emotionals are going from highs to complete lows almost hourly. Its like a rollercoaster. I suggest give yourself an opportunity to get used to this. I think it's a good idea to put off writing the letter until the 11th. It's another 7 days away, your giving yourself an opportunity to feel better and therefore think clearer when you do decide to write it. Best of luck mate and post here. It really does help.
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Old 05-03-2013, 08:56 PM
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First A BIG

A bit late at night for this old man...I really want to read what you have posted in the morning.

Briefly, it reads like you are doing well. Next week will come...you stayed sober today. ODAAT
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Old 05-03-2013, 09:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Darkplace2013 View Post
You will find your emotionals are going from highs to complete lows almost hourly. Its like a rollercoaster. I suggest give yourself an opportunity to get used to this. I think it's a good idea to put off writing the letter until the 11th. It's another 7 days away, your giving yourself an opportunity to feel better and therefore think clearer when you do decide to write it. Best of luck mate and post here. It really does help.
Yes I have definitely found this to be true! With social media (i.e. Facebook) it makes it so much harder when there is no contact because I always want to look and see what she's doing. But that only makes the roller coaster worse! I've definitely been experiencing the roller coaster effect, however I've been trying to tell myself it's for the better. As an alcoholic, she never knew the real me...she wasn't marrying the real me. Better that it happened now rather than 5 years down the road when we had a house and kids. I'm trying to get rid of my "stinking thinking" SR is helping tremendously already!
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Old 05-04-2013, 01:26 AM
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As horrible as this sounds right now, I think you need to focus on you and you alone. Fix yourself first because only then can you have a chance in hell of fixing your relationship or moving on to another one that may be sucessful. I'm a hopeless addict too so I feel like a fraud giving you this advice, but my situation is different i have a husband and 3 young children. However, with the benefit of hindsight, I really feel that putting yourself and your recovery first while you are in a prime position to do so, (ie, nobody else depending on you) might be just what you need.
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Old 05-04-2013, 06:40 AM
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Never ceases to amaze me how severe alcoholism can get within one year...

Yes I have been there. I was engaged to a wonderful woman in Alanon, her mother died an alcoholic death, her father was living in a sober house but relapsing. She broke off the relationship when I entered treatment. I haven't spoke to her since and this has been many years.

I have a right to think and feel how I want, but in sobriety I choose not to contact her because it wouldn't be in the spirit of recovery, even if meant as amends. I truly think any contact with her would cause her distress.


Honestly, every time I think of her I think of the sex and that was even messed up.

Good for her -- she ran fast -- as far away from my absurd alcoholic behavior. No person I am in a relationship has any responsibility for my sobriety.

I am not interested in rehashing any relationships with exW's, Gf's, exF. There are thousands and thousands of other healthy women that I can get involved with. I have moved on.

Since you asked, I would not contact your exF. Let her be. Deal with the feelings and get some rational thought on it. Move on with your recovery. If you live sober your future relationships will be beyond your imagination.


For today going in to next week remember HALT

Eat stay hydrated
post here -- vent
get to meetings -- spend time with recovering people doing activities
the weather is getting better so get outside
Sleep as much as you want to -- let your brain and body recuperate

Most importantly see where you can be of help through service work in helping another alcoholic to achieve sobriety -- almost a guarantee to live sober for the day.



We move on. Count our losses as blessings.

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