Originally Posted by lastchance24

First, a little about my past before I get to the topic:

I am pretty new here, and pretty new to sobriety (the 2nd time around). I went through an outpatient program 2 years ago and really just "coasted" thru the program and thought I was magically "cured" after graduating. I didn't work the program, I didn't continue going to AA, and I didn't find a sponsor. Needless to say I only stayed sober less than 6 months. I gradually began to drink again socially and thought I had my had my addiction under control... boy was I wrong.

Fast forward a little bit to 12/31/11. I was still "socially" drinking and telling myself I wasn't an addict. That night I reconnected with my high school sweetheart. It had been about 5 years since we had any contact. We instantly hit it off again and started dating and things progressed very fast. After 6 months we started talking about marriage. On 12/15/12 I proposed and she said yes with great enthusiasm. We thought things were great. Little did she know that my addiction had slowly been progressing over the year that we had reconnected. It went from socially drinking with friends, to drinking a pint a day 1x/week, to about 3-4 times per week once we got engaged. Up to this point she had NO IDEA of my past or my addiction. At the beginning of this year things really got worse and I couldn't control my addiction any longer. I was drinking uncontrollably any day that I wasn't with her. To make things worse she worked nights so it was very easy for me to hide it from her. My drinking got so bad that it carried over into the daytime where she caught be numerous times. She would give me chance after chance after chance. Finally, on 4/11/13 she had enough when she found me passed out before she left for work. She walked out and I have not talked to her since.
For the next 2 weeks I was a wreck and drank to the point of blacking out almost daily. For some odd reason one day I decided just to stop drinking and to get help through an outpatient program and I have dedicated myself to AA this time. I started the outpatient program this last Tuesday and started AA at the same time.

Now to the actual point of this post:
Today I am really struggling with my sobriety... actually more the loss of my fiancee. I have not spoken with her since she broke it off and it's eating away at me. I've been doing great with my outpatient program and I am getting excellent feedback from my group on how I've been doing. But deep down I can't let go. I can't help but think I'm only doing this for her. I tell myself I'm doing it for me, but today I started to question that; I really want to do this for myself so I can find who I am as a person. I've also been doing well with AA. I've gone every day and made sure they are all discussion programs so I can voice my struggles. I don't just go to say that I go. I am participating and actively seeking a sponsor.
I know that grief is a process but today has been extremely hard for some reason, and it's only going to get harder next week. Her birthday is Monday, and we were supposed to get married May 11th. I'm so fearful of next week and what that's going to bring.

My question to anyone/everyone here is two-fold:
1. Has anyone experienced anything like this due to your alcoholism, and if so how did you cope and get thru it? and;
2. Can anyone give me guidance for next week? I feel it's going to be the toughest week of my life and my anxiety is almost uncontrollable right now.

Thank you to everyone in advance who responds.