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I think I have a problem...

Old 04-30-2013, 04:11 PM
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I think I have a problem...

Hi everyone. My name is Anthony Early and I think
I have a drink problem. I'll briefly explain my situation.

I have been drinking since I was 16. I was brought up in a very strict home where my mother very very rarely ever drank and certainly never had alcohol in the house. I was a quiet kid with few friends, but being very bright, I was a top grade student and loved to read and write and sing. That was until I was 15 and met my best friend.

She introduced me to alcohol and it has been a love/hate affair with the stuff ever since. When I drink, I often get very angry or very strange, thinking, saying and doing the most bizarre things. At 24, the past 8 years of my life have sped by in a drunken blur. I suffer now from the most horrendous paranoia and panic attacks, often thinking deeply about the ridiculous and odious things I have done over the years whilst drunk. I consider myself a very good, loving, loyal and friendly person, and am horrified at the things I do whilst drunk. I have began to lose hope. I also feel deeply saddened that I cannot go out like most people (including my best friend) and just be fun and laugh and sing. It really makes me feel ashamed that I am so strange. I long to feel 'normal'. The irony is, I genuinely think that if I had never drunk, I would be so proud of myself, so content, and would have achieved so much. I haven't done anything 'bad' in a while now, but instead I now shudder at the thought of what I could do. I stumbled upon this site whilst trying to make sense of who I am. I hope I'm not the only one, as it really is the most lonely feeling.

Hopefully one day I can wake up smiling and be glad to be me again. Whoever that is.
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Old 04-30-2013, 04:21 PM
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Welcome Anthony,
your story has some similarities with mine. I drank normally up to the age of 13 and thereafter was out of control. I only ever wanted to have a good time but always ended up betraying my own values which lead to desperate unhappiness and lonliness. But even though I often swore off the booze, I always returned to it, often with no conscious thought, and once started, I couldn't stop. I think of myself as a "Internal Spiritual Malady" alcoholic. That ISM meant that there was a hole inside that alcohol filled. I had difficulty functioning in the world without alcohol, then later life became impossible with it as well. My solution was to find a different way to fill that spiritual void.

That's a very short summary, there is more to it as I'm sure you know. There is a very good solution, but finding it depends upon willingness and openmindedness, without too much interference from ego and pride.
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Old 04-30-2013, 04:25 PM
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Thanks Mike. I have so much I want to do and feel I have so much to give. I just can't shake the feeling that booze is very clearly on the horizon for me, and the pull is irresistable. I'm hopeful, though.
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Old 04-30-2013, 06:17 PM
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Welcome Anthony - it's great to have you here with us. You are not alone.

Some never see what alcohol is doing to their life - thankfully you do. I know you'll find SR to be helpful and encouraging. A brighter day is coming.
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Old 04-30-2013, 07:42 PM
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Welcome! The best time to get help is when you think you have a problem. Lucky enough, you're still quite young. This place is a great start. Good luck!
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Old 04-30-2013, 09:14 PM
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Old 04-30-2013, 11:34 PM
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Welcome Anthony. You are not alone. Alcohol made me a person I would never be while sober. And it ripped the hope from within me. My last year of drinking was my worst as I needed to drink even more just to get myself through the crippling anxiety & panic attacks. AA has been a wonderful support to me as well as SR. Have you thought of a good quit plan? Btw, I have barely any anxiety since I've quit!
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Old 04-30-2013, 11:37 PM
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Welcome Anthony! I have struggled with my alcohol addiction for many years, I just joined the May class, it would be great to have company!!!
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Old 04-30-2013, 11:38 PM
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Welcome Anthony. You are not alone. There are many many out there that have been through the same thing... And Many that are willing to help you.
Do you have a Church or an AA group you can talk to someone in person.
Trust me people that are alcoholics want to help others that want to become sober as well, HONEST!
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Old 05-01-2013, 03:33 AM
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Alcohol made me into a person I hated. I was sick of waking up every day hating myself. Now that I'm sober I don't do that anymore. You can have a better sober life too. Stick with us as you start this journey.
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Old 05-01-2013, 03:35 AM
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Thanks everybody really nice to read your kind words. This feels like a small but positive start. Im going to become more active here as I go on.
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Old 05-01-2013, 03:59 AM
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Hi Anthony welcome to SR. The fact that you hate what alcohol does for you and you're at the stage of looking it up online is a really good sign. The thought of not drinking again can be scary, but once you get to the point where you are ready to give up it will be much easier than you think.
To help yourself succeed why not look up support service in your area, and put in place some strategies for the times of the day when you would normally drink?
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Old 05-01-2013, 04:51 AM
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Welcome Anthony. It's so good to see someone that is honest with themselves, that's a first step with recovery. It seems from the actions of many people, we think that just stopping drinking is the end all, maybe for a few it is. For the long term I've needed AA along with millions of others to keep me "in line with my thinking" and people contact. This site works along some of he same guidelines as AA but with certain exceptions. People might complain about AA being a religious organization, that's pure ignorance in my view, I haven't been in a house of worship in 60+ years. I was taught that the alcohol is but the tip of the iceberg and I had work to do on the subsurface reasons. This included a very large amount of fear, anger, resentments and insecurity's to start off. A big demon for alcoholics is a built in forgetter gremlin which tells us to drink for as many reasons a human can convince himself of. BE WELL
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Old 05-01-2013, 05:29 AM
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You know whats also a positive?

That your 'getting it', as in booze and you don't mix at really young age in your life.
I think most of 'us get', but some get in a few years from starting drinking. Others get it at a late age in life.
By that time they have usually lost a lot more in terms of family, relationships, driving licenses, finances home, career, respect of their peers...

I would rather 'get it' now than have to put up with the misery of drinking for another decade or two until it finally sinks in.

Keep coming here and maybe have a read of AVRT to help with those thoughts of never drinking again and being young.

My best to you
xx
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Old 05-01-2013, 05:40 AM
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Many feel never drink again is overwhelming and find it easier to think of not drinking today more manageable. Bottom line can be the same result. BE WELL
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Old 05-01-2013, 05:58 AM
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Welcome. We are all unique and there is no shame in it!! it is great you are working at sorting out the type of life you want.

I think "normal" and "getting drunk" don't really belong in the same sentence anymore. it was not the case a few years ago.
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Old 05-01-2013, 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Majora View Post
Hi everyone. My name is Anthony Early and I think
I have a drink problem. I'll briefly explain my situation.

I have been drinking since I was 16. I was brought up in a very strict home where my mother very very rarely ever drank and certainly never had alcohol in the house. I was a quiet kid with few friends, but being very bright, I was a top grade student and loved to read and write and sing. That was until I was 15 and met my best friend.

She introduced me to alcohol and it has been a love/hate affair with the stuff ever since. When I drink, I often get very angry or very strange, thinking, saying and doing the most bizarre things. At 24, the past 8 years of my life have sped by in a drunken blur. I suffer now from the most horrendous paranoia and panic attacks, often thinking deeply about the ridiculous and odious things I have done over the years whilst drunk. I consider myself a very good, loving, loyal and friendly person, and am horrified at the things I do whilst drunk. I have began to lose hope. I also feel deeply saddened that I cannot go out like most people (including my best friend) and just be fun and laugh and sing. It really makes me feel ashamed that I am so strange. I long to feel 'normal'. The irony is, I genuinely think that if I had never drunk, I would be so proud of myself, so content, and would have achieved so much. I haven't done anything 'bad' in a while now, but instead I now shudder at the thought of what I could do. I stumbled upon this site whilst trying to make sense of who I am. I hope I'm not the only one, as it really is the most lonely feeling.

Hopefully one day I can wake up smiling and be glad to be me again. Whoever that is.
If you feel like this at 24 guess where you will be when your 40? A lot of people on this site have written about it so keep reading on this and you can find out what its like to drink for years and years....what happens, what you can lose etc.
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