A bumpy road to a new beginning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
A bumpy road to a new beginning
I have been thinking about my life and how I should not be here. It is by God's grace and mercy that I am able to see another day.
Alcoholism has run rapid throughout my entire family (both sides). Even as a young child I was allowed to drink. I barely passed high school, was in trouble with the law, kicked out of programs due to my drinking. Within the past year, a lot of things have fallen on my plate and in the past I used drinking as a coping mechanism and than I became so dependent. I would drink so much that I would catch myself waking up in a puddle of my own puke only than to drink some more to hide the guilt, shame, and to avoid the withdraws. It would be so bad that the time I would quit drinking is when my body physically rejected the alcohol. When I would come to that point where I would feel my body going into the "rejection' stage, I would try to make my way to the bathroom to make myself puke only than to drink more and more and more ... I've lost friends that were truly genuine to me and those that believed in me, no longer believe. I'm 21 days sober as of today. I live alone and at times that eats me alive. My mind is consumed of nothing but alcohol, yet I still wake up and put one foot in front of the other. The first 7 days of my sobriety was h3!@ ... I became very angry, outraged, and bitter however, I had no one to blame except for myself.
Alcoholism has run rapid throughout my entire family (both sides). Even as a young child I was allowed to drink. I barely passed high school, was in trouble with the law, kicked out of programs due to my drinking. Within the past year, a lot of things have fallen on my plate and in the past I used drinking as a coping mechanism and than I became so dependent. I would drink so much that I would catch myself waking up in a puddle of my own puke only than to drink some more to hide the guilt, shame, and to avoid the withdraws. It would be so bad that the time I would quit drinking is when my body physically rejected the alcohol. When I would come to that point where I would feel my body going into the "rejection' stage, I would try to make my way to the bathroom to make myself puke only than to drink more and more and more ... I've lost friends that were truly genuine to me and those that believed in me, no longer believe. I'm 21 days sober as of today. I live alone and at times that eats me alive. My mind is consumed of nothing but alcohol, yet I still wake up and put one foot in front of the other. The first 7 days of my sobriety was h3!@ ... I became very angry, outraged, and bitter however, I had no one to blame except for myself.
Way to go making it to 21 days. That's awesome... keep putting one foot in the other like you said and eventually I bet you will have walked to a life you never dreamed of.
The past is just that... the past. Tuck it away and move on... but keep the lessons there for reflection. Hang in there...
The past is just that... the past. Tuck it away and move on... but keep the lessons there for reflection. Hang in there...
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CAPE COD, MA
Posts: 1,020
Welcome and keep coming. Your post is a great remember when for so many of us. Try to remember this post if you think ‘IT WASN’T THAT BAD” after a period of being sober. Recognizing you have a problem is a positive jump towards getting sober. After resisting some years ago I jumped onto AA meetings and continue to this day. My feeling is if it works don’t fix it. A lot of good people there to help. BE WELL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
Thanks everyone. I have a journal that I write in most days. I needed something more though. I tried AA meetings and usually walk out due to sitting in a room full of people I do not know. Sounds selfish, but it really is an issue for me however, I heard of a program starting up really soon called Celebrate Recovery. I plan on attending these meetings. Thanks again everyone. It is nice knowing that I'm not alone.
You may not know the other people in the rooms of AA, but building closer relationships does take time. However, you'd be amazed just how similar alcoholics are. You are closer to them, and them to you that you'd imagine!
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 261
Hey Endstage, when I read your post, I totally related to the body rejecting the alcohol part. I've been battling addictions and alcoholism for about 1/3 of my life, and as I aged closer to now, my relapses got worse. I remember so many times where I continued to drink until my body would no longer accepted the alcohol. It soon became nightmarish relapses to where I wanted to die. I got to that point where I could keep drinking/using, kill myself, or start again on recovery. Let me tell you that I tried all three. When I couldn't drink/use, most of the time, it was because my body would not accept it anymore. Although it sounds horrible, attempted suicide is part of my story. I tried that route, but I even failed at that. The only option that I had left was to get back on the path. It truly was and still is hellish.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 134
Recovery1983, My entire live has been nothing but a nightmare. That is why when I turned to alcohol it felt as if I was in reality. Suicide is also a part of my story however, at a younger age. I told myself I would never turn into my biological parents ... ever ... I drank more alcohol than my biological mother ever said that she loved me. Raised in a jacked up home where "love" was only a wish. I had to teach myself how to be tough; real tough. When **** hit the fan I had a drink in my hand and a clenched up fish waiting to pound someone. All I saw was the "love" to addictions and alcohol within my family. Here I am at 24 living a life I swore I would never live. Now, I have decided that I have to do this for me and no one else is going to do it for me.
Welcome EndStage. Great job on your 21 days. We know how very hard it is to accomplish that.
I understand why you wanted something to help you cope - but in the end, it just ends up turning on us. It never really does anything but mask our problems. You've made a brave decision to get your life on track. You are cared about here, and we want to help. I hope you'll find the encouragement and hope you need.
I understand why you wanted something to help you cope - but in the end, it just ends up turning on us. It never really does anything but mask our problems. You've made a brave decision to get your life on track. You are cared about here, and we want to help. I hope you'll find the encouragement and hope you need.
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