EndStage

I have been thinking about my life and how I should not be here. It is by God's grace and mercy that I am able to see another day.
Alcoholism has run rapid throughout my entire family (both sides). Even as a young child I was allowed to drink. I barely passed high school, was in trouble with the law, kicked out of programs due to my drinking. Within the past year, a lot of things have fallen on my plate and in the past I used drinking as a coping mechanism and than I became so dependent. I would drink so much that I would catch myself waking up in a puddle of my own puke only than to drink some more to hide the guilt, shame, and to avoid the withdraws. It would be so bad that the time I would quit drinking is when my body physically rejected the alcohol. When I would come to that point where I would feel my body going into the "rejection' stage, I would try to make my way to the bathroom to make myself puke only than to drink more and more and more ... I've lost friends that were truly genuine to me and those that believed in me, no longer believe. I'm 21 days sober as of today. I live alone and at times that eats me alive. My mind is consumed of nothing but alcohol, yet I still wake up and put one foot in front of the other. The first 7 days of my sobriety was h3!@ ... I became very angry, outraged, and bitter however, I had no one to blame except for myself.