Coldfusion

Five months sober, unemployed, and it's raining.

(I have family / friends I have visited in Falls Church, Abingdon, and Warrenton.)

bigsombrero

Thank you for sharing this. I NEARLY did this right around the same time frame, I had gotten out of treatment after 23 days, spent a couple weeks with family. DAMN NEAR almost bought a bottle on the walk home from the train stop after I was finally getting settled back in my APT. I totally understand where you were at, it's a mind-bender.

The good part is you have proven you can do this. No shame in starting over - the tragedy would be if you didn't try again. You owe it to yourself to keep at it. Good luck!

MeSoSober

Thank you so much. And lest anyone get the wrong idea, I am blessed with wonderful parents and had a really pleasant visit. But coming home sort of gives me a "coming down" feeling -- something about making the transition back to "normal life." And like I said, I don't think I'm doing myself any favors by timing my return in the evenings when it's easier to write off what's left of the day and what the hell, consume of tumbler or three of vodka. (eyeroll)

I know it's the nature of the beast, but I feel like such a complete idiot. Thank you so much for your words of support! This is such a great group.

MeSoSober

Warrenton is lovely -- I've done a fair amount of shopping at Horse Country Saddlery and been to a couple of horse shows at the show grounds there. Did you happen to make it to Middleburg? I love horses, but you don't have to be an equestrian to appreciate how stunningly beautiful Middleburg and Upperville are.

least

It's not an epic fail if you learn from it and don't repeat the same behavior.

Coldfusion

My first visit to Warrenton was while I was in college: I did some research at the EPA the day President Reagan got shot. The last time I was in Warrenton was a few years ago, and it was a drunken near-disaster. We were driving from Abingdon to DC to catch the overnight train to Boston, and the interstate was closed near Warrenton, delaying us about three hours. Then I got lost in Washington, but we somehow ended up at Union Station, and I still was lost due to construction, I literally drove through a hole in a fence and suddenly found myself at the rental-car return area. Then, I flipped out at the ticket counter and ran to the train, deserting my wife; who hobbled to the train and was met by the conductor, who said "Don't worry, you have a whole minute..." Life is chaotic like that if you're drinking even when you're not drinking.

junk33

I too am at 26 days and ive failed twice already since Xmas, i got to 29 days one time this year already so i now where you are coming from .I just went on 2-3 day benders out of the blue as well.
Ive found it fairly easy to get this far with no cravings but this weekend has had its challenges.
blessing in disguise is my joint pain that i contribute to alcohol, every sleepless nite and dark bags under my eyes from lack of sleep remind me why i have to keep this up

MeSoSober

That is a colorful story indeed!

junk33, we can't allow ourselves to get discouraged! Like I said, I want to learn from every screwed up, misguided decision to consume alcohol that I make. It really is beginning to feel like less and less of a friend and more of a foe. I really am getting sick and tired of being sick and tired and I want to never forget that.

Gilmer

MeSoSober, welcome back. Things will pick back up. Keep your eyes straight ahead--yesterday is in the distant past. I live very near Middleburg--in the same county. No horses, though--just suburbia. My matron of honor lives in Warrenton! It's grown up a lot since you were there, Coldfusion. It was just a crossroads then--now it's acres and acrea of commercialization.

RDBplus3

MeSoSober & Ladybug2:

1. In your best rational thinking mind, when completely sober, have you resolved that you DO want to be completely FREE from the addiction to alcohol? Or do you just want to be able to keep it under control, and drink 'moderately'? Either is OK, because it is your choice.

2. If you just want to be able to 'keep it under control', and drink 'moderately', have you come to a conclusion that you are in fact 'ADDICTED' and that attempts to drink moderately are unrealistic? Or at least NOT worth the risk of continuing to play 'Russian Roulette' with drinking? Either way, it is your choice and your decision to make.

3. If you Do have the conviction that you are in fact 'ADDICTED', and in your best rational SOBER mind choose to be completely FREE from the addiction, but your addictive habits, Beast Brain, etc seem to slip in and take control at times, there is VICTORY and FREEDOM.

4. For me, it has taken drastic measures, and a daily commitment to a program of complete Sobriety. It has taken a broad spectrum across many disciplines of 'Recovery' concepts. One Day at a Time means I must work my program EVERY DAY, sometimes Minute-by-Minute. A Big Plan means I had to make a COMMITMENT that is BEYOND just a commitment...it is my default operating behavior...and if I fail, it is NOT a failure to my commitment and thus NOT a 'way out of my Big Plan commitment'.

5. I have realized that my Beast Brain is addiction-corrupted. It automatically sends signals out that a drink is necessary for basic survival, for coping with stress, for intimacy and sex, for awkward situations, to celebrate, and just to 'unwind' when I am on auto-pilot.

6. I catch most of these as soon as they come slipping in, or come Screaming Bloody Murder for a drink. However, in the past I thought that my rational mind was my 1st and only line of defense, and that as long as I was vigilant, nothing my Beast Brain could throw at me would 'gain traction'.

7. In my studies, I found out that the addiction not only corrupts my Beast Brain, but also creates automatic circuits that engage my rational mind, and my rational mind in turn has pre-established circuits that send the 'OK, Full Speed Ahead' signal for my motor controls to get that drink. It is already a pre-approved operating program, fully functional. I realized that is why I would find myself with keys in hand, jumping in my truck, heading for the Liquor store. I would think, in my BEST mind, What am I Doing? I can't drink, but at that point I was already in full operating mode. So I realized a part of my rational mind was corrupted by the addiction also.

8. This actually helped immensely, because I could understand what was going on. Then, the 'Spiritual' aspect of this program, and the 'Spiritual' aspect of my being, became engaged in its proper perspective. AA calls it my Higher Power. The founder of AVRT calls it our Moral Principal wherein we decide that drinking is absolutely unacceptable from our highest moral perspective, because of the uncontrollable aspect of what happens when we drink.

Anyway..there is more and more that can be done and realized in the endeavor to get FREE from addiction. For me it takes logging in to SR, reading Recovery literature every day, daily prayer, going to meetings, calling my sobriety network, and being ever-vigilant. Good Luck. I know I can do it, others in the Sober Recovery community post their success, and I Believe you will be victorious also!

Hevyn

Hey there MeSo. The good stuff's already been said, so I'll just send you some love. I know you can figure this thing out - sometimes we have a few false starts - but we always learn something along the way. It's hard work. Glad you came here to talk about it and get back on the path.

Gilmer

Blessings to you, MeSoSober. One last thing off topic--when I got married, our first apartment was in Falls Church. My husband liked for me to drop him off at the Metro station to go to downtown DC to work, because the smell of the buses made him feel like puking! Our hearts are all with you, MeSoSober!

MeSoSober

Gilmer and RDBplus3, thank you so much. The people of this forum just continue to blow me away with their compassion and support and insight.

Just to answer some of your questions, I would love to be able to drink moderately, but I cannot help concluding from the negative consequences I have suffered that I will not, like most alcoholics, be able to do that. That doesn't jibe with my actions of last week, but I am earnestly seeking to learn as I go. I think I may be as close permanently quitting as I have ever been, and I know I am more committing to giving up alcohol than I have ever been. And this place is continuing to inspire me and strengthen my resolve to quit.

I love this forum in part because it is keeping me engaged in and mindful of my sobriety each and every day. I obviously have more work to do. I need to learn to be with my urges and the resulting discomfort instead of acting on them.

Gilmer, so you're in Fauquier County? I will never forget the complete and absolute awe I felt the first time I visited Middleburg. I had no IDEA what I'd been missing. I've been to the races at Glenwood Park and did the stable tour for at least the third or fourth time last year -- my first visit to the training track and to Lazy Lane, where I petted Preakness and Belmont Stakes winner Hansel. Also spent my share of drunk afternoons at the Gold Cup and some other steeplechase venues.

Thank you both again for your support. I got a little misty here.

D'oh--I just saw that you're in Ashburn! Also, if it's West Falls Church I've walked to that station a number of times!

MeSoSober

I knew I had to 'fess up. If other people have come here to report their slips I needed to do it too. Actually, I WANTED to talk about it.

And thank you for the love.

Gilmer

Actually, I'm in Loudoun, but I often go through Middleburg. I've been stuck in traffic on Rt. 66 during the Gold Cup! Good friends of mine went one year--the girls got all gussied up and wore lovely hats. They had a blast. Wow, who did you have to know to be able to pet Hansel? That's amazing!

Gilmer

It was East Falls Church, close to Bailey's Crossroads (on the Alexandria side). He used to want to be dropped off at Ballston, in Arlington.

MeSoSober

Hansel was receiving all visitors on the day of the Stable Tour, down the rise from the huge barn with the track in a smaller one. Visitors to Newstead were also free to visit Genuine Risk's (second filly in history to win the Kentucky Derby) grave.

LosingmyMisery

In reading your thread, I can't help, but be reminded how degrading alcohol can be. We all have been there and know that it will continue to drag us down as long as we allow it to do so.

I never used to be a daily drinker, until I was. I could go without drinking, until I couldn't. Yes, alcoholism is progressive and it is tricky. It will sweep you off your feet so quickly, you may not even know what hit you. That is what happened to me. I had progressed from drinking on weekends, to drinking daily, to drinking in the morning before I went to work. I then would sneak drinks at work and at home on my lunch hour. Needles to say, it ended badly.

Lost that job and the two that followed heading into a dangerous spiral of drinking 24/7 for several years ending with a very dire addiction to alcohol. I too lived alone and being jobless and alone, I had no accountability affording me nothing, but way to much time to drink creating a perfect storm.

I went through many emotions, such as: I didn't care what others thought, but I did. This is the way it is, screw everyone if they don't like it. Then reality hit me square in the jaw. I was an alcoholic, I was in trouble, and I was scared to death. I knew I had a severe problem, but didn't know how to change it. I didn't know where to even begin to change it. I knew I was no match and was overwhelmed. So what did I do? I did what every good alcoholic does, I drank more.

Bottom line, I was ashamed and hated myself, and my life, for allowing a beverage to take away everything I had, including my dignity and, especially, my life, if I continued.

The good news is, today I am sober. Although early sobriety was difficult, I no longer struggle with sobriety. I did nothing without planning to drink first. It was all I knew. Now, drinking seems foreign to me. I like sober living and I don't miss drinking at all. My view on life isn't that I can't drink, but I'd like to. My view is, I don't drink and I don't want to.

I just wanted to offer my words of encouragement. You can do this. You found the right place. Believe in yourself and the willingness to change your life. You hold the key, only you. No one can do this for you. It is all on you to make the choices and right decisions, heavy stuff. There are good days and bad days, but all in all, sobriety is very doable. After all, I know. I was in very bad shape at the end of my drinking career. There is no doubt in my mind that drinking would have killed me. It didn't. I win and so can you.

MeSoSober

Hugs to you for that, LosingmyMisery. Very inspiring. And we have the job losses in common. You'd think losing the first one would be enough of a wake-up call, wouldn't you? Well, I'm here now, anyway.

LosingmyMisery

You'd think, but it wasn't. I lost the first job 11 years ago and I still find it embarrassing. I was in such denial back then. I had to get much sicker before I got better. I often wondered how I would ever earn back trust and respect, but thank goodness I was able to bounce back. I consider my sober life as a second chance. I'm not letting anything get in the way of that. I never want to experiencing the feeling of degradation of drinking ever again. Funny thing, once I quit, I haven't had to.