MeSoSober

Well, after pretty much coasting through 26 days and a very nice visit home to the parents for Easter, I stopped at the liquor store on the way back to my place and proceeded to kick off a multiple-day bender for which I am now paying the price -- again. I feel and look like hell, my apartment looks like a pigsty, and I'm just disgusted with myself. This hell of withdrawal is not something I'd wish on my worst enemy.

And this is my history, my pattern. I can go for days, weeks, even months with comparatively little effort, and then BAM -- go completely, utterly, absurdly off the rails.

I've been thinking about what I have learned from this. Coming home from a weekend out of town in the evenings is a definite trigger for me. I think it might be as simple as leaving earlier in the day so I'm not arriving home during "drinking hours" and when there's so little of the day left that I can justify just crashing and drinking on the sofa.

As horrible as I feel, it is a comfort knowing you guys are all here to come back to. I won't -- can't -- give up this fight. Thanks for being there.

Ladybug2

Hi MeSoSober, I failed also over the weekend, but I only had 5 days. I learned something from it as well. So here's to another Day 1. Right there with ya.

MeSoSober

Hugs to you Ladybug!

I almost don't even feel well enough to sit and type. I threw up on my living room floor this morning. I started yakking at the kitchen sink and then felt as though I literally could not stand any more. So I just sat on my sofa and puked directly on my carpeted living room floor. Keeping it classy!

Just so glad I found you all. It's a relief to unburden myself with other people who "get it."

MeSoSober

I also feel bad that after basically cruising (only mild urges) through those 26 days, I failed the first time I had a "serious" urge. It seems that many of you struggle each and every day -- seems like I should be able to fight my way through one strong urge.

Ladybug2

Yeah, I sure wish I could make it to 26 days! At least you know you can do it. Hope you feel better soon, that is the worst feeling, ugh.

Noticed you are in Virgina? I used to live there too!

MeSoSober

Ever been to Fredericksburg?

Thanks again for your words of support!

Ladybug2

No, I lived right outside of DC. Boy were those the drinking days .....

360shoes

I had to learn not to fight but to just surrender. And also give up the idea that surrendering is weak. By surrendering I mean just accepting. I'm like you in the fact I don't get major cravings and I haven't had to battle much. I refuse to battle. But I did learn that I'm not very patient and that when I don't like something I want to change it now. Drinking certainly does that. Changes the mood immediately. No patience required. Hey, the good news is you can surrender or accept or whatever you want to call it right this minute and you don't have to wait for the hangover to go away or wait to start tomorrow. You can practice acceptance and patience right this minute and when you do. It's over.

What you resist persist but what you let be will let you be....said by some smart Taoist master...not me.

Get some rest. It's over.

MeSoSober

Ah, I used to live in Falls Church. But NoVA really wasn't my cup of tea.

Thank you, 360 shoes for the words of wisdom.

Coldfusion

Is Fredericksburg on the Amtrak train route to Florida?

Thanks for taking a first step: signing up for the 24 hour thread! I'm signed up too, even at five months sober I still treat it one-day-at-a-time.

Richierich777

Well it happened, get some rest and I think you have a plan for next time. At least you were honest and I thank you.

MeSoSober

It is indeed!

Thanks for your words of support. I hate struggling with this. I don't want to ruin my life or lose ANYTHING else to alcohol.

MeSoSober

Thank you. You know what I told myself? That I would get two pints of vodka, and pour out half of one, reasoning that that would still leave me plenty to drink, but not enough so that there would be "leftovers" to consume in the morning. Yeah, THAT worked out well.

FeenixxRising

Yes, a lot of us have this same history. I'm not sure how it is for you, but I'm having some trouble accepting the idea of never drinking again. I can also go for weeks, even a few months, and then bam, I end up in the midst of kick-ass bender. For binge drinkers I think it really comes down to finally accepting that we really can't control our drinking, even after long, dry periods and that we need to give up the alcohol for good.

Re: your second comment. I've changed my schedule. My occupation allows me to pretty much work my own hours, so I've become a serious night owl. Consequently, I tend to really hit my stride in the late evening, and that's the time when many people are relaxing and enjoying a few drinks. So I've been going to bed earlier, working earlier and by late evening I'm at home (I rarely drink at home) and usually too tired to think about going out drinking. So I think your plan in that regard is a good one, at least for the next few months.

I'll end with a quote I've memorized and often repeat to myself when I'm feeling weak and have urges:

"The price of discipline is always less than the pain of regret" - Robin Sharma

The price of fighting the urge is always less than the pain we feel after giving in to the urge to drink or use. So keep fighting the good fight.

Ladybug2

Yeah, I got tired of NoVA too, which is why I moved back here. Thought once I got married and had a family the drinking days would be a distant memory. Boy was I wrong.

MeSoSober

Yes, my Beast Brain still rebels against the idea of "never again," so I think I'm better off looking at quitting drinking from the one day at a time perspective.

And it sounds like we have drinking history in common. But consistent with the concept of alcoholism as progressive, my binges have been both more frequent and longer. I am so sick of going on a multiple-day bender and then facing the personal hell of withdrawing. I need to arrest this NOW. I am so sick of this cycle.

MeSoSober

You know, I've often felt that the fact that I live alone, with no witnesses to my drunken foolishness, was a major contributing factor. That may just be excuse-making, but I'm pretty sure having an audience would at least help to deter me.

FeenixxRising

I often do one day of a time; I've had a lot of success when I just stop stressing over the quitting for good thing and promise myself that "today I won't drink". It's easier because I know I can make it through one day without drinking.

Coldfusion

Oh, my wife and I got drunk alone together all the time. I don't know if it's better or worse that way.

Travel and family are the two things I fear the most. I like to travel by train, and so I guess I've been through Fredericksburg a few times... but I hate flying and don't like driving (I live on a small island). As for "family," my last visit to Mother was the scene of my "last" drunk (before I entered detox).

I wish you all the best, and hope you understand that there is medical help available for withdrawal. I went to detox, and still attend local meetings daily.

Just keep posting here--you're doing great!

MeSoSober

Thank you so much. If you don't mind my asking, how long have you been sober? You seem to be doing great too!