Jeni26

I totally get this MLC, TOTALLY!

When I became a Mum, I thought (wrongly), that all my kids needed was to feel safe and secure.
My childhood wasn't great. I was neglected emotionally and physically, and hurt physically. I grew up with a lot of pain and fear. I kept secrets, I had no-one I could trust at home. My teen and beyond first adult relationships were 'not healthy' as you put it because I wasn't healthy and didn't know boundaries or have any self-esteem or self-respect.
To the outside world, my kids too had it good. They weren't hurt or scared.
But I'm able to see things clearly now. I loved them FROM A DISTANCE.
They deserved more.
Loving anyone opens us up to the possibility of being hurt.
But it's vital to love them unconditionally, with a full heart. To play a full and active part of their lives. We aren't babysitters...we are parents.

They deserve the real deal. ALL of what we can give. And to do that we need to be well.

Do whatever it takes MLC-before your kids are all grown up and that moment has passed forever xxx

Midlifecrisis

Thanks jeni. You are so right. I think about it all the tkme. I let them down. My first close relationships were physical. I never grew up
With real closeness and I was sexually abused.

Your post would have made me cry if I wasn't so high/numb today.

Jeni26

I understand. I get it. It's ok xxx

I have walked the same path as you MLC. I AM walking the same path in trying to figure all this out.

Different DOC, but the need to numb and remain emotionally distant was important to me too....

I got sober first, because there isn't any way in the world we can sort out the mess that happened to us when we are numb/high.

It CAN be done...I'm doing it...not easy but doable... I promise xxx

3girls1husband

Midlife, without rehashing the background...many, including myself can relate. No two situations are the same but there are some of the same profound pains.
You at some point if you choose, have to stop and say :"it doesn't matter what happened in my past, I will create a better future".....it sounds simple or easy, but I can say as a mother of 3 girls I have decided that they will grow up with a strong mother, one who can articulate words with meaning and show them that they can become women who can make their own way. Those things do not take money or other material means, it takes HEART and SOUL, you have both..use it...give all you have, it will come back to you! Stop and look in your children's eyes, they will stare back with emotions you never knew were there, its amazing....take it in.....

tomsteve

yes, i can be powerless over chocolate too.:rotfxko

deeker

It's weird. I feel the best I have jn years. I'm not depressed or suiicidal, am there for the kids, sleeping well, although a little too much perhaps due to Valium and codeine.

^
Above is what I was referring too.

deeker

This is an absurd statement. How do people normally take their pills?
They take them by mouth.

deeker

All that other stuff in my opinion isn't as important as them being ok emotionally. So they are being neglected emotionally. Do you know what their little hearts and minds are feeling, do you know the effect this will have on them growing up? I was a great Mom to the outside world too. Who cares, the one I need to be a great Mom to is my own children. Emotionally!



Mid, I want you to get well and we want to support you. If I seem a little perturbed it's because I see you and I look back to me and all the damage I did to my own son when i thought he wasn't being neglected. He was the star student, the basket ball player, the popular one, the honor roll student.

Doesn't matter he did not have a mother who was present emotionally for him. So I am getting a little mad at your posts. Mainly cuz I am mad at myself. Don't fool yourself, ur kids will be hurt emotionally if u keep on.

Midlifecrisis

I know! I was joking

Midlifecrisis

I'll come back and reply to all the posts soon. Kids begging me to go out for Ab early morning run ha. Better get up.

Midlifecrisis

Sorry for not replying to all the wonderful responses yet. I really do appreciate them all. Back to having a hard time. My husband is so resentful of me all the time now. He doesn't trust a thing I do. He's angry I hid my eating disorder from him for 12 years that we've been together. I'm an arrogant b apparantly. Real tears are flowing this morning.

Dee74

I'm sorry things are so hard - I think in time tho it will be better it's all out in the open?

D

ScottFromWI

Glad you came back MLC. Honesty is always the best, albeit sometimes the hardest choice. Have you been open with him about the Valium? You need his support for the upcoming treatment, and so do your kids. Holding out hope for you to get that treatment you desperately need, please let us know how we can help

ScottFromWI

I think you do actually. You've known for quite some time. First be honest with yourself and realize things are not OK. Then get the help and treatment that is waiting for you to decide to use it. The rest will come with time.

Jeni26

Hi MLC, is there anything that we can do to help?xx

Midlifecrisis

I'm sorry, I can't get my head right to reply properly to all the posts just yet. Did 100mg of valium yesterday and loads of codeine, failed at the eating disorder, went back to it after 12 months I can't go through detox with my kids.

ScottFromWI

MLC:

I hate to say it, but at those levels of drugs you aren't there for your kids anyway, whether you realize it or not. Not sure what else to say at this point other than please get help, ASAP.

Midlifecrisis

I do realize it and It kills me I know there's nothing more to say. Just posting here for people to talk to I guess. Nothing has changed. I can't take that much everyday, I'll run out and be in a world of hurt until I can get more, or I'll start drinking. My tolerance is getting high though which is frustrating.

ScottFromWI

So do you have any plans to make changes at all? You've looked into detox we know.

Midlifecrisis

My husband and I did have a discussion last night. We just need him to get some holiday hours up so I can go.

But I also wonder. THe worst of the withdrawals last time hit after 2 weeks or so and I can only afford about that time to be in there, so I am not sure how it would all work. Years back, I had months free to go and I was only coming off amphetamines so the withdrawals are nowhere near as bad as this,