When i first started posting here
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Originally Posted by instant 
MLC glad you feel Ok now. Change will come however, and maybe now is the time to get ready for that?
Where does this road go to if you don't?
Take care
Where does this road go to if you don't?
Take care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Originally Posted by Threshold
Scared to upset the balance by going through detox, but apparently not scared to upset it by losing your husband, or getting arrested.
Detox and living clean, in my opinion, are less upsetting and damaging than jail and a criminal record. Throw in how that would also affect your reputation and that of the family...well, it's worth thinking about.
Most people who are snorting drugs all day aren't doing it because everything else in their life is ok.
I am so glad that you are sober, and that the anti depressants are helping, truly I am. I hope you can find a way to apply that good towards better! I truly have come to care about you and want you to succeed.
Thanks alot for caring.
Everyone. I'm really sorry for posting these wishy washy posts all the time that are kind of the same but I need to get it out and here is the only place where I feel I can be completely honest and where we have all been there. I'm quite aware as how I must come across
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,226
I have been following your journey, and let me say I care a lot about you, and want you to get better.
I am going to push back a bit on your thought that you aren't doing anything illegal (as that seems to be a concern.) Abusing prescribed drugs, snorting them in public bathrooms, well, that is bad news. Nothing ideal about that. And please don't kid yourself and say your kids aren't in danger when you do this. They very much are.
Tough words friend, but they come from a place of deep concern.
I am going to push back a bit on your thought that you aren't doing anything illegal (as that seems to be a concern.) Abusing prescribed drugs, snorting them in public bathrooms, well, that is bad news. Nothing ideal about that. And please don't kid yourself and say your kids aren't in danger when you do this. They very much are.
Tough words friend, but they come from a place of deep concern.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
It just doesn't matter if your a mother, a churchgoer, or if the drugs are prescribed to you...
Snorting lines in a public toilet will get you noticed and that kind of attention is likely to get you arrested, and your domestic situation, and that of your kids, looked at MLC.
D
Snorting lines in a public toilet will get you noticed and that kind of attention is likely to get you arrested, and your domestic situation, and that of your kids, looked at MLC.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NJ
Posts: 139
Ever think maybe things feel balanced or easier due to the fact you're taking massive amounts of benzos? Benzos are designed to calm the anxiety in stressful or overwhelming situations. Sure you feel good now, but t quote a Lil Wayne song (lol) "Only once the drugs are done, that I feel like dying... I feel like dying" Hope you figure some things out.
The song is called I Feel Like Dying and the lyrics are worth reading even if you don't listen.
The song is called I Feel Like Dying and the lyrics are worth reading even if you don't listen.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Jeni26
MLC-I've read all your posts but I haven't responded much, mainly because I have no experience with drugs really, so no wise words to impart.
What I do have experience of however, is being a Mum.
When I was drinking, my own depression and need for alcohol was my priority. In my head, I believed my kids were ok because I went through the motions with them, on the surface I did all the right things. I took them to the park, I read them stories at bedtime, I made sure they ate properly. In a physical sense I was there for them.
It's only with some sobriety behind me that can look back and see things as they really were. I had very little emotional attachment. I mean I loved them alright, but emotionally I was distant. If it came to a choice between taking one of them out for the evening or sitting with a bottle of vodka, the vodka would win. I would sit them in front of a DVD instead of connecting with them and becoming a true presence in their lives. If one of them had a problem, I would get stressed because it caused ME a problem and I didn't, if I'm very honest, want their issues to come between me and my next drink.
My memories of their growing up years are a blur. Yes, we had plenty of family times, holidays, trips out. Yes, I gave them hugs and attended important events with them. But, they missed out big time because they never really had the Mum they should have, the 1 person who put their needs first always. I was far too often drunk, obsessing over drink, or hungover.
It is the biggest regret of my life. And the one I'm trying the hardest to put right.
Those years have gone for me now. My kids are now young adults.
Yours are still young enough to 'get you back'.
Good luck to you MLC-I really hope you can turn this thing around xxx
What I do have experience of however, is being a Mum.
When I was drinking, my own depression and need for alcohol was my priority. In my head, I believed my kids were ok because I went through the motions with them, on the surface I did all the right things. I took them to the park, I read them stories at bedtime, I made sure they ate properly. In a physical sense I was there for them.
It's only with some sobriety behind me that can look back and see things as they really were. I had very little emotional attachment. I mean I loved them alright, but emotionally I was distant. If it came to a choice between taking one of them out for the evening or sitting with a bottle of vodka, the vodka would win. I would sit them in front of a DVD instead of connecting with them and becoming a true presence in their lives. If one of them had a problem, I would get stressed because it caused ME a problem and I didn't, if I'm very honest, want their issues to come between me and my next drink.
My memories of their growing up years are a blur. Yes, we had plenty of family times, holidays, trips out. Yes, I gave them hugs and attended important events with them. But, they missed out big time because they never really had the Mum they should have, the 1 person who put their needs first always. I was far too often drunk, obsessing over drink, or hungover.
It is the biggest regret of my life. And the one I'm trying the hardest to put right.
Those years have gone for me now. My kids are now young adults.
Yours are still young enough to 'get you back'.
Good luck to you MLC-I really hope you can turn this thing around xxx
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I agree with Dee's comments about getting arrested for using drugs in a public bathroom. Anyone who had an idea of what was going on could/would call the police. You're in a very dangerous spot, in my opinion. Your disease is telling you that you're feeling good, but you're high on valium and codeine and it's not 'you'. Your disease is working hard to keep you addicted.
I really hope that you can see what's happening to yourself, and I pray for the safety and security of your children.
I really hope that you can see what's happening to yourself, and I pray for the safety and security of your children.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 223
yes, Anna & Dee are right. Get help now before you get dead. You are an addict. This is not going to improve without the right help. SR is a start. But what you describe is SERIOUS and life threatening. You should check yourself into rehab at once and give yourself and your children a chance at getting to know the real you.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Midlifecrisis
I was jn the depths of despair, suicidal, addicted. Then I got 6 weeks sober and relapsed. Back to the depths of despair.
But now I feel good. Anti depressants are working and I no longer feel suiicidal or depressed most of the time
The benzos are out of control. I am doing line after line all day everyday. Even waking up on the njght sometimes. I'm going to run out early this week and be screwed.
My husband doesn't trust me, I feel had for
Him but don't know what to do. Met up with a friend from school yesterday who has a similar history of iv drug use many years ago. Was good to be able to chat about it. Got offered coke and weed.
I feel like everything is fine and I balance. I have no inclination to change anymore. That's a bad place to be in right?
But now I feel good. Anti depressants are working and I no longer feel suiicidal or depressed most of the time
The benzos are out of control. I am doing line after line all day everyday. Even waking up on the njght sometimes. I'm going to run out early this week and be screwed.
My husband doesn't trust me, I feel had for
Him but don't know what to do. Met up with a friend from school yesterday who has a similar history of iv drug use many years ago. Was good to be able to chat about it. Got offered coke and weed.
I feel like everything is fine and I balance. I have no inclination to change anymore. That's a bad place to be in right?
I think your last sentence sums it up pretty well MLC. Your usage is out of control and yet you feel that everything is fine. And to be honest, it's not surprising that your husband doesn't trust you. Would you trust someone who has behaved as you have over the past several months? Not to say that you can't earn his trust back, but at this point you aren't doing anything that would or should garner it related to your addiction.
You can get help, and you already know where to get it as we know you've researched detox locally. The pieces of the puzzle for you to start your recovery are all there, you just have to start using them and make the choice.
It's probably only a matter of time until the lack of trust by those around you erodes even further unless you decide to change. Your current behavior, while not overtly criminal, is enough in may areas to have you physically separated from your family (including your children being taken away) so you cannot harm them. Are you truly looking to lose absolutely everything in your life before you make the decision to quit? I hate to sound harsh, but that is where you are heading.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
It's probably only a matter of time until the lack of trust by those around you erodes even further
Why would you have to go into a public bathroom to snort? Why not snort in the car with you pal smoking weed? Sorry - that doesn't make any sense to me. What were you doing in that bathroom?
About 7 years ago I was in a clinical deep depression - but I was sober. Started taking an antidepressant and my mood improved - but I started drinking. Now I've had to get rid of the alcohol to have a chance at a life. You may be in a similar situation I was in.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Newcastle, UK
Posts: 571
Anti Depressants already saved my life once. After i'd felt 'better', I decided I could drink again. Drinking on top of them made me feel really quite ill. I'm not saying it's the same for all substances, but you have to be careful taking an abundance of mind altering substances together.
I get the impression MLC that deep down you know it's not 'okay' to be snorting any drug in a bathroom, illegal or not. There are many options for help out there, but I Think we all know that you, as do I , need more help than just this forum. If you seek out help, surely only positives will come from it. We are all scared of change, but instead of plodding in the mud you really can walk on the fresh grass, because each and every one of us deserves to.
I get the impression MLC that deep down you know it's not 'okay' to be snorting any drug in a bathroom, illegal or not. There are many options for help out there, but I Think we all know that you, as do I , need more help than just this forum. If you seek out help, surely only positives will come from it. We are all scared of change, but instead of plodding in the mud you really can walk on the fresh grass, because each and every one of us deserves to.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,335
I'm not trying to be unkind, or unsupportive, but I feel concern for your children and husband. Your husband has stood by you and tried to help, even doling out the pills, in hopes you'll get better. Your children have an emotionally absent mother and are powerless to do anything about it. I too, have come to care about you and want you to be well.
Things are not "all good"
Things are not "all good"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3,065
Thanks everyone for not being condemning.
Just because I feel stable and good right now
Does not mean everyhing is ok. I guess I just want to hold that feeling and not upset the apple
Cart yanno?
What was I doing in the bathroom? Using the facilities and snorting Valium lol. Not sure what you meant by that whoever asked.
It does make me sad. It was at a park I've taken my kids thousands of times to play.
Normally I just do it at home but we were out for the whole day. Made me feel like a teenager again but instead of shooting up in the dark on some dodgy valley bathroom I was snorting something legal in the light and chatting with an old mate. Seems stupidly not ok when I say it like that.
I just like this feeling of sanity too much.
I feel for my husband and kids too, believe me. I felt for them more when I was suiicidal though ad my husband didnt now whether id be alive when he came home from work.
Argh.
Just because I feel stable and good right now
Does not mean everyhing is ok. I guess I just want to hold that feeling and not upset the apple
Cart yanno?
What was I doing in the bathroom? Using the facilities and snorting Valium lol. Not sure what you meant by that whoever asked.
It does make me sad. It was at a park I've taken my kids thousands of times to play.
Normally I just do it at home but we were out for the whole day. Made me feel like a teenager again but instead of shooting up in the dark on some dodgy valley bathroom I was snorting something legal in the light and chatting with an old mate. Seems stupidly not ok when I say it like that.
I just like this feeling of sanity too much.
I feel for my husband and kids too, believe me. I felt for them more when I was suiicidal though ad my husband didnt now whether id be alive when he came home from work.
Argh.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
Just because you know what you're snorting isn't illegal,anyone else seeing you do it would assume it was hard drugs, call the police,you 'd get arrested etc.Even to just be seen doing it when out with your children does show your problem is very serious and escalating. Please please get some help,this isn't going to go away. I'm not being harsh when I say this but you can reminisce all you like but the reality is that you're not a teenager anymore you are a married woman in her 30s with 5 kids who desperately need their mum, who needs help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
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Yeah I know. It crossed my mind people would assume It was something illegal. The kids were not there to be clear.
I will. I will. I have to, I know. I never want to go
Back to that dark suiicidal place again though
(
I will. I will. I have to, I know. I never want to go
Back to that dark suiicidal place again though
(
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