When i first started posting here
 

I was jn the depths of despair, suicidal, addicted. Then I got 6 weeks sober and relapsed. Back to the depths of despair.

But now I feel good. Anti depressants are working and I no longer feel suiicidal or depressed most of the time

The benzos are out of control. I am doing line after line all day everyday. Even waking up on the njght sometimes. I'm going to run out early this week and be screwed.

My husband doesn't trust me, I feel had for
Him but don't know what to do. Met up with a friend from school yesterday who has a similar history of iv drug use many years ago. Was good to be able to chat about it. Got offered coke and weed.

I feel like everything is fine and I balance. I have no inclination to change anymore. That's a bad place to be in right?

And I know my posts annoy some of you so if this is the case just ignore:). My journey is strange. Just posting to get the thoughts out that I can't anywhere else.

I'm pretty sure nothing is in balance. But I suspect you know that already. I'm not sure what to tell you, except that you don't have to be struggling with this (and you are quite obviously struggling in a major way).

Perhaps it would be better to be struggling and sober? You would at least have a chance for the struggling and anguish to eventually end.

It's weird. I feel the best I have jn years. I'm not depressed or suiicidal, am there for the kids, sleeping well, although a little too much perhaps due to Valium and codeine. I'm not throwing up several times a day for the first time in 16 years.

Scared to upset the balance I guess by going through detox.

I know it's not ideal. 35 year old mother of 5 doing lines in a restaurant bathroom followed by public toilets at the park yesterday while my friend smokes weed in his car.

Apart from that everything seems to be ok.

It sounds like the anti-depressants are working. Why not take the next step? Drug use and addiction at your level is out of my league, so I'm not sure what advice to give. Another stab at rehab might be in order? I'm not sure. But I'm guessing that wouldn't be easy given your situation. Is it a possibility?

But I can say with complete certainty that doing lines in a restaurant bathroom followed by public toilets at the park while your friend smokes weed in his car is very, very far from ideal.

Do you want to stop this kind of behavior? Or have your resigned yourself to this kind of life? I'm hoping you want to stop. I don't know you, but I'm sure you deserve a better life than what you've described.

I'm really glad the anti-d's are working...but this neither is ok or ideal MLC

It sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen, to be honest.

It's great you feel good - so, why not use that to start work on the next level of issues?

D

My kids were not with me by the way. Just to make it clear.

Train wreck:(

Rehab is a good option but a hard one.

Wow. I am scared for you and your children. I hope you seek out some help.

Didn't mean to make you sad but I was doing a lot of crazy stuff back in the day - it really was a train wreck waiting to happen...and y'know - it did.

I don't know what you want to do about rehab or your doctor or your hubby or anything else, but staying away from this friend seems like a step in the right direction to me.

D

No it's all good. You didn't make me sad. Don't know why I posted a sad face. I'm all good.

I'm sorry to hear you're doing drugs again. I've no experience of them so don't really have any specific advice. Just hoping you do get help as definitely not in balance and things can escalate so quickly. Wishing you all the best

Wow!

MLC-I've read all your posts but I haven't responded much, mainly because I have no experience with drugs really, so no wise words to impart.

What I do have experience of however, is being a Mum.

When I was drinking, my own depression and need for alcohol was my priority. In my head, I believed my kids were ok because I went through the motions with them, on the surface I did all the right things. I took them to the park, I read them stories at bedtime, I made sure they ate properly. In a physical sense I was there for them.

It's only with some sobriety behind me that can look back and see things as they really were. I had very little emotional attachment. I mean I loved them alright, but emotionally I was distant. If it came to a choice between taking one of them out for the evening or sitting with a bottle of vodka, the vodka would win. I would sit them in front of a DVD instead of connecting with them and becoming a true presence in their lives. If one of them had a problem, I would get stressed because it caused ME a problem and I didn't, if I'm very honest, want their issues to come between me and my next drink.

My memories of their growing up years are a blur. Yes, we had plenty of family times, holidays, trips out. Yes, I gave them hugs and attended important events with them. But, they missed out big time because they never really had the Mum they should have, the 1 person who put their needs first always. I was far too often drunk, obsessing over drink, or hungover.

It is the biggest regret of my life. And the one I'm trying the hardest to put right.

Those years have gone for me now. My kids are now young adults.

Yours are still young enough to 'get you back'.

Good luck to you MLC-I really hope you can turn this thing around xxx

great post Jeni,thankyou. I've got a 3 year old and can really relate to what you are saying. I used tothink I was a good mum as he was loved,fed,warm and I did all the 'right'things. Being sober I now see I was not present and failing him in many ways.Thankyou.

MLC glad you feel Ok now. Change will come however, and maybe now is the time to get ready for that?

Where does this road go to if you don't?

Take care

Scared to upset the balance by going through detox, but apparently not scared to upset it by losing your husband, or getting arrested.

Detox and living clean, in my opinion, are less upsetting and damaging than jail and a criminal record. Throw in how that would also affect your reputation and that of the family...well, it's worth thinking about.

Most people who are snorting drugs all day aren't doing it because everything else in their life is ok.

I am so glad that you are sober, and that the anti depressants are helping, truly I am. I hope you can find a way to apply that good towards better! I truly have come to care about you and want you to succeed.

I guess I can trick myself into thinking its minor because I'm only using legal drugs this time and I'm not even drinking. So I'm being 'sensible.' Years ago I was an iv drug user, the problem seems so much more obvious.

Rehab would be great I guess when I come around to believing I need I change I guess. Very hard in my situation though. I won't go into it, people on here are sick of hearing my 'excuses.'

Thanks :)

Thanks

I guess in just saying I feel the sanest I have in along time. I'm sleepy but I'm functioning and don't want to kill myself

I definitely acknowledge I am distant from my kids at the moment. I'm in no denial a out that. Distant emotionally but not physically. They are. Looked after and not in any danger but they are missing out on the whole me. Intimacy with my kids freaks me out, I'm not sure why.

I understand what you are saying and I'm sorry you Carry that regret. I thjnk about it alot xx