Alright Today is the Day It Begins!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sussex, England
Posts: 945
My programme is a knackered liver... It has done the trick for me 
I'm also reading Allen Carr... I think knowledge is the key. The more I know how bad it is for me, the less I want to drink it. Good luck on your journey, I look forward to your reading your success story
x
I'm also reading Allen Carr... I think knowledge is the key. The more I know how bad it is for me, the less I want to drink it. Good luck on your journey, I look forward to your reading your success story
x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Hanging in there day 1 night. My gf gets off work here in 20 minutes and I have to pick her up and we are going to get some dinner and bring it home. Then she'll probably want to go to bed and I'll hit the sack about 9:30. Hopefully get some solid sober sleep, wake up tomorrow, and really get the ball rolling. I was a little hazed today because of staying up late last night and drinking some wine. But I'm ready to do this. Today was actually fairly easy in terms of not drinking. I knew what had to be done and I knew it had to be done today. I simply refuse to get caught up in the doomsday cycle again.
It feels good to be back. Gotta add couple more tools to my repertoire to handle certain cravings and events, and gotta continue making steps in my life. Still haven't gotten in the groove of reading the books I wanted to get read, but have been golfing, playing hockey, working out, hiking, getting my life together, and most importantly living a little... even been going to church.
Anyways, thanks for the support everyone!!
It feels good to be back. Gotta add couple more tools to my repertoire to handle certain cravings and events, and gotta continue making steps in my life. Still haven't gotten in the groove of reading the books I wanted to get read, but have been golfing, playing hockey, working out, hiking, getting my life together, and most importantly living a little... even been going to church.
Anyways, thanks for the support everyone!!
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
welcome back, Paul. if i may offer some advice, this may be a good time to reflect on what led to your lapse so you can understand it and perhaps better understand something about yourself. i've found that when i am hit with a strong craving, after it passes i try to understand what brought it on. every time, i've been able to identify a trigger (or several) which lead me to a deeper understanding of myself and what could be potentially dangerous situations in the future. this has helped me a lot. had i simply let the cravings pass and not gotten to the root of the issue, i would not be as in touch with myself as i am now. it's great to see you back! i loved the way you used the forum. i look forward to seeing you around again. keep working hard.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Paul - I just wanted to say I'm sorry you lost so much, I never knew.
I don't know if I missed it from your previous posts and I am sorry if I did.
You always post with such passion and enthusiasm, and go 'at it' with the same, I am sure your going to do good.
Give it some welly - as they say in my neck of the woods!
xxxx
I don't know if I missed it from your previous posts and I am sorry if I did.
You always post with such passion and enthusiasm, and go 'at it' with the same, I am sure your going to do good.
Give it some welly - as they say in my neck of the woods!
xxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Good luck, Paul. I hope your plan works for you. Not drinking one day at a time is a great start. It's the living life one day at a time after the drinking was gone that was a challenge for me.
Sorry you viewed other responses as "authoritarian." We just share what has worked for us as individuals, and for many, SR is enough, for others still, a program of some sort made it a better trip.
And with all due respect, tapering irks many here only because we all tried it at some point in seeking sobriety only to fall on our faces (usually drunk).
Keep posting!
Surrendering, having an open mind, and believing that I could be wrong about some things went a long way for me too, though I still struggle with the concept of me being wrong about anything!
Sorry you viewed other responses as "authoritarian." We just share what has worked for us as individuals, and for many, SR is enough, for others still, a program of some sort made it a better trip.
And with all due respect, tapering irks many here only because we all tried it at some point in seeking sobriety only to fall on our faces (usually drunk).
Keep posting!
Surrendering, having an open mind, and believing that I could be wrong about some things went a long way for me too, though I still struggle with the concept of me being wrong about anything!
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,845
Good to see you back. I've been able to quit drinking without any "program". I did find it helpful to confide in my family and a few close friends. They've been my biggest supporters. I also come to SR often, usually first thing in the morning. This helps to remind me of where I was and how far I've come. I now have over 3 years sober and they've been the best years of my adult life. I wish you the best and next year around this time I hope to see you over in the "one year and over club"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Midwest
Posts: 8,336
Morning Paul!
You mentioned adding a few tools. When I was reading your old posts, I could kind of tell when you were about to relapse....not sure why....just could. Maybe it would help you to reread those posts right before you relapsed to see if you get a similar feeling. Just an idea on picking up a new tool.
This is your beginning - I'll check back later
You mentioned adding a few tools. When I was reading your old posts, I could kind of tell when you were about to relapse....not sure why....just could. Maybe it would help you to reread those posts right before you relapsed to see if you get a similar feeling. Just an idea on picking up a new tool.
This is your beginning - I'll check back later
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Oh my gosh!! Why would anyone ever not want this in their life. Waking up with a completely fresh mind and soul is awesome. For some reason I had this urge just to clean, so I have been downstairs cleaning for the past hour and a half, even the dirty jobs like the oven and microwave. I ate a healthy breakfast, about to do some laundry, then gonna watch my boy RGIII and the Redskins tear up Luck!!
Watch some football sober, then go to the zoo with my gf, maybe look at some puppies, the only scary thing is her friends are in town and they want to go out for dinner and drinks tonight. But, I have no problems driving and saying I'm not drinking, so I don't think that will be a problem. I actually went to a wedding last week with the gf and only had two beers, so I really wasn't doing horrible until this past week.
Anyways, that dreaded day one is in the books, now for day two. I'm in that extreme "high" phase again where I'm overly optimistic and way too positive. It's only one day! But it's always so exciting just to get day one out of the way. That way you can't just push it off for "tomorrow"! I'm so glad to be back, thank you all for your support!!
Watch some football sober, then go to the zoo with my gf, maybe look at some puppies, the only scary thing is her friends are in town and they want to go out for dinner and drinks tonight. But, I have no problems driving and saying I'm not drinking, so I don't think that will be a problem. I actually went to a wedding last week with the gf and only had two beers, so I really wasn't doing horrible until this past week.
Anyways, that dreaded day one is in the books, now for day two. I'm in that extreme "high" phase again where I'm overly optimistic and way too positive. It's only one day! But it's always so exciting just to get day one out of the way. That way you can't just push it off for "tomorrow"! I'm so glad to be back, thank you all for your support!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Alright, it's only 2:45, let's see how much I got done on a nice day of waking up with out a hangover.
- Cleaned the kitchen (stove, microwave, floors)
- Emptied the dishwasher
- Loaded the dishwasher
- Put in a load of laundry
- Mowed the back yard
- Been drinking a glass of water every hour
- Ate a healthy breakfast and lunch
- Made some phone calls that I needed to make
And most importantly, watched the Redskins and RGIII whoop up on the Colts. And I watched my first football game sober!! Thursday when college football will be a major challenge, but I think I'm dead set this time that alcohol is just not something I want in my life. I just look at everything I've gotten done today with a fresh and clear mind. Now it's off to the zoo and then to see some puppies.
Anyways, being sober is awesome!!
- Cleaned the kitchen (stove, microwave, floors)
- Emptied the dishwasher
- Loaded the dishwasher
- Put in a load of laundry
- Mowed the back yard
- Been drinking a glass of water every hour
- Ate a healthy breakfast and lunch
- Made some phone calls that I needed to make
And most importantly, watched the Redskins and RGIII whoop up on the Colts. And I watched my first football game sober!! Thursday when college football will be a major challenge, but I think I'm dead set this time that alcohol is just not something I want in my life. I just look at everything I've gotten done today with a fresh and clear mind. Now it's off to the zoo and then to see some puppies.
Anyways, being sober is awesome!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
oh damn, does that mean the Redskins lost?
Friends of mine have season tickets for the Redskins, they went to that game , even though it threatened to rain the entire time.
Is this day 2? Just love reading your posts.
Friends of mine have season tickets for the Redskins, they went to that game , even though it threatened to rain the entire time.
Is this day 2? Just love reading your posts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Day 2 Night ---
Shame shame shame!! I'm not sure what to categorize tonight as. It was full of positives and negatives. I went downtown with my gf to get dinner before meeting up with her friend and her friends boyfriend from California. I drove there because I was planning on not drinking. Dinner was an amazing positive. I sat there ate fondu and drank hot frikkin tea with the gf!! I'm not a huge tea drinker so this was a first at a restaurant on a Saturday night. My gf and I had one of our best conversations and we dived in to some of the real problems we are facing in our relationship. I mean I still don't think the relationship is going to last, but at least we opened up some communication about what we want from one another.
Aside from that, we had our nice dinner, I drove to the next place we were going to which was a bar to meet her friend. We kind of just drove around, saw some people being arrested downtown, like 20 cop cars were there... then we just pulled in to a parking spot and just talked more while waiting for her friend. So everything was going great, then we walked in to the bar. I just thought we were having a couples date, but it turned out to be a full on group date. There were about 12 people at the table and they were all drinking and talking. I have a little social anxiety so it really was kind of awkward for me being around all these people I did not know.
I sat at the end of the table and couple people started introducing themselves and talking to me. And sure enough my gfs friends boyfriend offered to get me a beer. I didn't think twice about it, I said sure. I got a Stella, and sat there and drank it for a while. I had some really good conversations with the two guys next to me and this one girl while my gf talked to her friend. It was fun, it reminded me of the old days where I always was with friends and going out. The only difference is I was not wasted and it was like a bunch of mature people talking. I ended up having one more Stella after that, and we decided to head home while they went off to a club. I told my gf that I did not want to go to a club because I knew the lid would come off and there would be no stopping it.
So we drove home, I ended up picking up my sister and my nephews from the airport to help out my parents. I wasn't supposed to, but since I could I offered to drive. So I just got to bed with two beers under my belt. I guess I'm just trying to find the positive in things and accept that I handled myself maturely tonight and avoided a situation where I could have completely blown my attempt to stop drinking. I know it's still considered a failure, and I'm not happy sharing this information with you guys. It would be very easy just to lie about those two beers... but that would not help me out one bit. I don't know what to take of this because it's a mixture of success and failure and most likely deep inside I felt this is what I'm "striving for"... but I know I can't achieve. I'm going in to this with out any false hope. Tomorrow we continue, tomorrow is another day where I do not want to drink!!
Record: 1-1 (.500)
Shame shame shame!! I'm not sure what to categorize tonight as. It was full of positives and negatives. I went downtown with my gf to get dinner before meeting up with her friend and her friends boyfriend from California. I drove there because I was planning on not drinking. Dinner was an amazing positive. I sat there ate fondu and drank hot frikkin tea with the gf!! I'm not a huge tea drinker so this was a first at a restaurant on a Saturday night. My gf and I had one of our best conversations and we dived in to some of the real problems we are facing in our relationship. I mean I still don't think the relationship is going to last, but at least we opened up some communication about what we want from one another.
Aside from that, we had our nice dinner, I drove to the next place we were going to which was a bar to meet her friend. We kind of just drove around, saw some people being arrested downtown, like 20 cop cars were there... then we just pulled in to a parking spot and just talked more while waiting for her friend. So everything was going great, then we walked in to the bar. I just thought we were having a couples date, but it turned out to be a full on group date. There were about 12 people at the table and they were all drinking and talking. I have a little social anxiety so it really was kind of awkward for me being around all these people I did not know.
I sat at the end of the table and couple people started introducing themselves and talking to me. And sure enough my gfs friends boyfriend offered to get me a beer. I didn't think twice about it, I said sure. I got a Stella, and sat there and drank it for a while. I had some really good conversations with the two guys next to me and this one girl while my gf talked to her friend. It was fun, it reminded me of the old days where I always was with friends and going out. The only difference is I was not wasted and it was like a bunch of mature people talking. I ended up having one more Stella after that, and we decided to head home while they went off to a club. I told my gf that I did not want to go to a club because I knew the lid would come off and there would be no stopping it.
So we drove home, I ended up picking up my sister and my nephews from the airport to help out my parents. I wasn't supposed to, but since I could I offered to drive. So I just got to bed with two beers under my belt. I guess I'm just trying to find the positive in things and accept that I handled myself maturely tonight and avoided a situation where I could have completely blown my attempt to stop drinking. I know it's still considered a failure, and I'm not happy sharing this information with you guys. It would be very easy just to lie about those two beers... but that would not help me out one bit. I don't know what to take of this because it's a mixture of success and failure and most likely deep inside I felt this is what I'm "striving for"... but I know I can't achieve. I'm going in to this with out any false hope. Tomorrow we continue, tomorrow is another day where I do not want to drink!!
Record: 1-1 (.500)
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 1,052
Did it seem a little pointless just having two beers? I would have felt temporarily "normal" doing it, but it would have left me craving way more than 2. I hope you can put this behind you and start again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Paul, I truly hope you make the decision that drinking is not an option in your life.
I honestly don't understand how you didn't think twice about it, when you were offered beer.
If you're committed to recovery, then you don't drink.
I support you in this journey and I know it's hard, but you need the commitment if you want this to work. I think you're on the fence, and I say that with love and hope that you will make this work.
I honestly don't understand how you didn't think twice about it, when you were offered beer.
If you're committed to recovery, then you don't drink.
I support you in this journey and I know it's hard, but you need the commitment if you want this to work. I think you're on the fence, and I say that with love and hope that you will make this work.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Personally, I would have avoided outings like that when I was first trying to get and stay sober. I mean, life is going to hand us much more tempting situations than that, I have to protect my sobriety with everything in me. Until you really take drinking off the table as an option, this back and forth is just going to be miserable for you. I know you're not interested, but I'm compelled to suggest some type of recovery work (counseling, meetings, anything) when you decide to quit for good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Home - there's no place like Home
Posts: 974
Interesting that day one sans alcohol concluded with warming a seat in a bar and swallowing barley pop with foam on top. I began my drinking career of 12 years in North Pole, Alaska. 7.5 months sober and even driving past a bar makes me shiver and be thankful to have left those days behind. I pray that protecting your total sobriety becomes more important than any one thing or any one person. You are worth it. Good luck and God bless you today and every day.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 120
hi paul,
thinking of you this morning.
one thing i have found in my recovery is that this disease is bigger than us. for me, that meant i needed to find a large support system to help me stay sober. recovery programs are many and varied, but i think that knowing you don't have to do this on your own would be both a huge relief, and a huge help in your journey for sobriety.
i won't push anything in particular, but i think a recovery program of some sort could be a huge help.
here for ya either way.
hil
thinking of you this morning.
one thing i have found in my recovery is that this disease is bigger than us. for me, that meant i needed to find a large support system to help me stay sober. recovery programs are many and varied, but i think that knowing you don't have to do this on your own would be both a huge relief, and a huge help in your journey for sobriety.
i won't push anything in particular, but i think a recovery program of some sort could be a huge help.
here for ya either way.
hil
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Day 3 Night
So the day is over. Once again lots of positives, lots of negatives. I woke up at 10, which is awfully late but since I was up til 3 yesterday, I was still pretty tired. I did my morning routine than had to work for about 4 hours. At 2:30 went with my nephew to pick up my grandma for a bday party we were having for my other 3 year old nephew. I also picked up my cousin. When I got home, my brother in law asked if we needed any beer for the night so I said sure and we went to get beer. At 5 I broke, had a beer with the family. My gf ended up coming over and we had a family dinner. I ended up having about 6 beers throughout the night.
We watched some Sunday Night Football, played games with the kids, and just hung out. My gf and I are still fighting constantly. Last night we got in a fight over giving money to homeless people. Tonight we got in a fight because I want to watch the Alabama/Michigan football game this Saturday. It's ridiculous, she is so controlling and so anal about everything. I swear she has absolutely no feelings or emotions. She is a computer. No matter how much I do for her it's just not enough. The only thing she has going for her is being attractive, other than that I can not stand her. I have actually been pouring through online sites on handling breakups because it's getting to that point, just like with alcohol that I need to separate from it.
But, my uber-impulsive personality has major problems with breakups. I don't know whats harder, quitting alcohol or breaking up. Well, I guess I can't give an opinion on either since I can't do either. But it's annoying. I actually ignored her good night call tonight because I feel like I'm making a point that she can't just expect me to be there all the time and do everything for her. But I know that's just childish and she actually will not care come tomorrow. I sometimes hate this personality I have. It's so up and down, so impulsive. One second I have my life planned out the next second I have no clue what I'm doing in my life.
I'm not wasted, not sober, but just indifferent about everything. One part of me is very excited for a future with out alcohol and the gf and just the limitless possibilities that can come with that, the other part of me is just questioning whether those "limitless possibilities" even exist. Two nights ago I felt my life slipping back in to a dark place, last night I felt normal and very happy, tonight I don't feel either. I'm at the point where anything I say can be different in an hour. I don't know who I am half the time. Because I know that there is no alternative voice making me do the things I do, there is nothing forcing me to act the way I act, there is no excuses for the decisions I make. So I know there is something inside me that just is driven for this kind of craziness.
That's why I can't make any promises, because I do not trust myself. I come here just for support and I get a lot of it. I'm not down in the gutter, even though I lost everything of my own, I'm very spoiled and come from a fairly wealthy family that has and will do anything for me. I'm beginning to think that might be a huge part in my lack of ability to change things myself. Because I always know there is some safety net. I never feel that desperate feeling. If I didn't go to the hospital and expose my life to my parents and family 3 months ago, I don't think I ever would have came here. I'm not suicidal, don't really feel depressed, just feel like I'm at the starting line and I can't get started. I mean I have made tremendous changes in my life the past 3 months, I have taken over my life and focused on being someone that gets things done rather than waiting for someone else to do them. I don't know how to really explain how much different I feel now than 3 months ago.
So it's just difficult responding to this kind of drivel. Because clearly I do not know what I want, I do not know what I don't want, I don't know anything at this point other than the fact that writing this stuff out and being here is just an amazing feeling. I get to actually see the inner thoughts going on in my head rather than hide from them and distract them with tv or music. I just sit here in pure silence talking to myself and trying to just list off whatever comes to my head. And as I type it, this calm comes over me, that everything is alright, these thoughts are just thoughts, tomorrow will be a new day that you can continue to improve your life, and that feeling depressed only hurts yourself. Being depressed is just not worth it, fight for your life, it's yours and you deserve it!
Anyways, I'm signing out for the night. Thank you for any support and advice. I will say once again that I am 100% in no way, shape, or form going to counseling, AA, or any other type of event outside of this forum. I come here just for support and communication, nothing else. And I have received a lot of it. Those of you that have helped me out along this journey I thank you very much!!
So the day is over. Once again lots of positives, lots of negatives. I woke up at 10, which is awfully late but since I was up til 3 yesterday, I was still pretty tired. I did my morning routine than had to work for about 4 hours. At 2:30 went with my nephew to pick up my grandma for a bday party we were having for my other 3 year old nephew. I also picked up my cousin. When I got home, my brother in law asked if we needed any beer for the night so I said sure and we went to get beer. At 5 I broke, had a beer with the family. My gf ended up coming over and we had a family dinner. I ended up having about 6 beers throughout the night.
We watched some Sunday Night Football, played games with the kids, and just hung out. My gf and I are still fighting constantly. Last night we got in a fight over giving money to homeless people. Tonight we got in a fight because I want to watch the Alabama/Michigan football game this Saturday. It's ridiculous, she is so controlling and so anal about everything. I swear she has absolutely no feelings or emotions. She is a computer. No matter how much I do for her it's just not enough. The only thing she has going for her is being attractive, other than that I can not stand her. I have actually been pouring through online sites on handling breakups because it's getting to that point, just like with alcohol that I need to separate from it.
But, my uber-impulsive personality has major problems with breakups. I don't know whats harder, quitting alcohol or breaking up. Well, I guess I can't give an opinion on either since I can't do either. But it's annoying. I actually ignored her good night call tonight because I feel like I'm making a point that she can't just expect me to be there all the time and do everything for her. But I know that's just childish and she actually will not care come tomorrow. I sometimes hate this personality I have. It's so up and down, so impulsive. One second I have my life planned out the next second I have no clue what I'm doing in my life.
I'm not wasted, not sober, but just indifferent about everything. One part of me is very excited for a future with out alcohol and the gf and just the limitless possibilities that can come with that, the other part of me is just questioning whether those "limitless possibilities" even exist. Two nights ago I felt my life slipping back in to a dark place, last night I felt normal and very happy, tonight I don't feel either. I'm at the point where anything I say can be different in an hour. I don't know who I am half the time. Because I know that there is no alternative voice making me do the things I do, there is nothing forcing me to act the way I act, there is no excuses for the decisions I make. So I know there is something inside me that just is driven for this kind of craziness.
That's why I can't make any promises, because I do not trust myself. I come here just for support and I get a lot of it. I'm not down in the gutter, even though I lost everything of my own, I'm very spoiled and come from a fairly wealthy family that has and will do anything for me. I'm beginning to think that might be a huge part in my lack of ability to change things myself. Because I always know there is some safety net. I never feel that desperate feeling. If I didn't go to the hospital and expose my life to my parents and family 3 months ago, I don't think I ever would have came here. I'm not suicidal, don't really feel depressed, just feel like I'm at the starting line and I can't get started. I mean I have made tremendous changes in my life the past 3 months, I have taken over my life and focused on being someone that gets things done rather than waiting for someone else to do them. I don't know how to really explain how much different I feel now than 3 months ago.
So it's just difficult responding to this kind of drivel. Because clearly I do not know what I want, I do not know what I don't want, I don't know anything at this point other than the fact that writing this stuff out and being here is just an amazing feeling. I get to actually see the inner thoughts going on in my head rather than hide from them and distract them with tv or music. I just sit here in pure silence talking to myself and trying to just list off whatever comes to my head. And as I type it, this calm comes over me, that everything is alright, these thoughts are just thoughts, tomorrow will be a new day that you can continue to improve your life, and that feeling depressed only hurts yourself. Being depressed is just not worth it, fight for your life, it's yours and you deserve it!
Anyways, I'm signing out for the night. Thank you for any support and advice. I will say once again that I am 100% in no way, shape, or form going to counseling, AA, or any other type of event outside of this forum. I come here just for support and communication, nothing else. And I have received a lot of it. Those of you that have helped me out along this journey I thank you very much!!
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