Hooked up with my sponsor's long-term ex-boyfriend ...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Originally Posted by erutxet 
Hello!
I am one month and three weeks sober. In the short time I've been a part of AA, I've been through four sponsors, kicked out of a home group, and have proposed to a man. I proposed to my sponsor's ex-boyfriend. I knew he liked me all along and there was no way to hide the feelings anymore. Things hit the fan when she caught us together on Good Friday in April. It was early in the morning and she thought I'd slept at his house with him, when really I'd dropped by to tell him about my overwhelming feelings for him. I barely know him, what I do know of him I heard through my sponsor, who is clearly not over him and talked about him endlessly. He is 5 years sober and she's been sober for 5 months because she keeps relapsing. He doesn't love her anymore and it's obvious to many of us that she still hopes they'll get back together. Anyway, after she found me at his house and saw how he was behaving affectionately toward me she wanted nothing to do with me. In retaliation she told his sponsor, who is the husband of her sponsor, what happened and they all told him that he has to wait six months to a year to date me. He told me the next day that I can no longer be in contact with him until time has passed and I am further along in my recovery. Since that day he will not talk to me. Not a word. I have spammed his facebook inbox with over 2000 messages, texted him like crazy to the point where he said he would call the cops. I asked him if he was mad at me at one point and he said 'What? Never." <33 Still, it is strange that he is so quiet and withdrawn, has he moved on? I am 23 and he is 33. I can tell that we were in love in the beginning, but now that I've stopped spamming him, I just wonder if he still feels for me? Has he forgotten me? Why won't he at least tell me a few words of encouragement?
I really need support and advice on this whole thing, it makes me want to go out and drink again. I love him so much and I'm taking his need for me to wait and do more recovery personally.
I am one month and three weeks sober. In the short time I've been a part of AA, I've been through four sponsors, kicked out of a home group, and have proposed to a man. I proposed to my sponsor's ex-boyfriend. I knew he liked me all along and there was no way to hide the feelings anymore. Things hit the fan when she caught us together on Good Friday in April. It was early in the morning and she thought I'd slept at his house with him, when really I'd dropped by to tell him about my overwhelming feelings for him. I barely know him, what I do know of him I heard through my sponsor, who is clearly not over him and talked about him endlessly. He is 5 years sober and she's been sober for 5 months because she keeps relapsing. He doesn't love her anymore and it's obvious to many of us that she still hopes they'll get back together. Anyway, after she found me at his house and saw how he was behaving affectionately toward me she wanted nothing to do with me. In retaliation she told his sponsor, who is the husband of her sponsor, what happened and they all told him that he has to wait six months to a year to date me. He told me the next day that I can no longer be in contact with him until time has passed and I am further along in my recovery. Since that day he will not talk to me. Not a word. I have spammed his facebook inbox with over 2000 messages, texted him like crazy to the point where he said he would call the cops. I asked him if he was mad at me at one point and he said 'What? Never." <33 Still, it is strange that he is so quiet and withdrawn, has he moved on? I am 23 and he is 33. I can tell that we were in love in the beginning, but now that I've stopped spamming him, I just wonder if he still feels for me? Has he forgotten me? Why won't he at least tell me a few words of encouragement?
I really need support and advice on this whole thing, it makes me want to go out and drink again. I love him so much and I'm taking his need for me to wait and do more recovery personally.
Drama. You've got lots of it. It's going to kill you.
The drama is addictive too. It gives us something to focus on instead of the fight we are losing with alcoholism. It also gives us a great rush.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: San Diego
Posts: 4,451
Well when you want something, you certainly go for it. 
That kind of energy can serve you well... if properly directed. You called it an "obsession." Strong word... but yeah, sounds like it. You wouldn't be the first person to confuse obsession for love. You also wouldn't be the first to latch onto a new romantic interest in a time of vulnerability. Human being? Check, check.
Maybe he's not interested. Maybe he cares a lot about you. Either way, seems like the right thing to do is exactly what he's been doing. I think anyone can see that you really need to focus on yourself... and you can't do that by losing yourself in someone else.
You're 23. You're sober. You have a lot to look forward to. Including love. If it helps, consider the time you spend focusing on yourself right now as an investment in your future relationships. But first things first, you know?
Welcome to SR. Congratulations on seven weeks—if you've stayed sober during those personal whirlwinds, you must be doing something right.
That kind of energy can serve you well... if properly directed. You called it an "obsession." Strong word... but yeah, sounds like it. You wouldn't be the first person to confuse obsession for love. You also wouldn't be the first to latch onto a new romantic interest in a time of vulnerability. Human being? Check, check.Maybe he's not interested. Maybe he cares a lot about you. Either way, seems like the right thing to do is exactly what he's been doing. I think anyone can see that you really need to focus on yourself... and you can't do that by losing yourself in someone else.
You're 23. You're sober. You have a lot to look forward to. Including love. If it helps, consider the time you spend focusing on yourself right now as an investment in your future relationships. But first things first, you know?
Welcome to SR. Congratulations on seven weeks—if you've stayed sober during those personal whirlwinds, you must be doing something right.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by ReadyAndAble
Well when you want something, you certainly go for it. That kind of energy can serve you well... if properly directed. You called it an "obsession." Strong word... but yeah, sounds like it. You wouldn't be the first person to confuse obsession for love. You also wouldn't be the first to latch onto a new romantic interest in a time of vulnerability. Human being? Check, check.
Maybe he's not interested. Maybe he cares a lot about you. Either way, seems like the right thing to do is exactly what he's been doing. I think anyone can see that you really need to focus on yourself... and you can't do that by losing yourself in someone else.
You're 23. You're sober. You have a lot to look forward to. Including love. If it helps, consider the time you spend focusing on yourself right now as an investment in your future relationships. But first things first, you know?
Welcome to SR. Congratulations on seven weeks—if you've stayed sober during those personal whirlwinds, you must be doing something right.
That kind of energy can serve you well... if properly directed. You called it an "obsession." Strong word... but yeah, sounds like it. You wouldn't be the first person to confuse obsession for love. You also wouldn't be the first to latch onto a new romantic interest in a time of vulnerability. Human being? Check, check.Maybe he's not interested. Maybe he cares a lot about you. Either way, seems like the right thing to do is exactly what he's been doing. I think anyone can see that you really need to focus on yourself... and you can't do that by losing yourself in someone else.
You're 23. You're sober. You have a lot to look forward to. Including love. If it helps, consider the time you spend focusing on yourself right now as an investment in your future relationships. But first things first, you know?
Welcome to SR. Congratulations on seven weeks—if you've stayed sober during those personal whirlwinds, you must be doing something right.
It's going to be really embarrassing seeing him at meetings. I'll be so filled with awkward shame. First things first, easy does it, I know, but it's easier said than done.
Thanks for the welcome everyone. Not a bad turn out for my first post...
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,452
Originally Posted by erutxet
Hello!
I am one month and three weeks sober. In the short time I've been a part of AA, I've been through four sponsors, kicked out of a home group, and have proposed to a man. I proposed to my sponsor's ex-boyfriend. I knew he liked me all along and there was no way to hide the feelings anymore. Things hit the fan when she caught us together on Good Friday in April. It was early in the morning and she thought I'd slept at his house with him, when really I'd dropped by to tell him about my overwhelming feelings for him. I barely know him, what I do know of him I heard through my sponsor, who is clearly not over him and talked about him endlessly. He is 5 years sober and she's been sober for 5 months because she keeps relapsing. He doesn't love her anymore and it's obvious to many of us that she still hopes they'll get back together. Anyway, after she found me at his house and saw how he was behaving affectionately toward me she wanted nothing to do with me. In retaliation she told his sponsor, who is the husband of her sponsor, what happened and they all told him that he has to wait six months to a year to date me. He told me the next day that I can no longer be in contact with him until time has passed and I am further along in my recovery. Since that day he will not talk to me. Not a word. I have spammed his facebook inbox with over 2000 messages, texted him like crazy to the point where he said he would call the cops. I asked him if he was mad at me at one point and he said 'What? Never." <33 Still, it is strange that he is so quiet and withdrawn, has he moved on? I am 23 and he is 33. I can tell that we were in love in the beginning, but now that I've stopped spamming him, I just wonder if he still feels for me? Has he forgotten me? Why won't he at least tell me a few words of encouragement?
I really need support and advice on this whole thing, it makes me want to go out and drink again. I love him so much and I'm taking his need for me to wait and do more recovery personally.
I am one month and three weeks sober. In the short time I've been a part of AA, I've been through four sponsors, kicked out of a home group, and have proposed to a man. I proposed to my sponsor's ex-boyfriend. I knew he liked me all along and there was no way to hide the feelings anymore. Things hit the fan when she caught us together on Good Friday in April. It was early in the morning and she thought I'd slept at his house with him, when really I'd dropped by to tell him about my overwhelming feelings for him. I barely know him, what I do know of him I heard through my sponsor, who is clearly not over him and talked about him endlessly. He is 5 years sober and she's been sober for 5 months because she keeps relapsing. He doesn't love her anymore and it's obvious to many of us that she still hopes they'll get back together. Anyway, after she found me at his house and saw how he was behaving affectionately toward me she wanted nothing to do with me. In retaliation she told his sponsor, who is the husband of her sponsor, what happened and they all told him that he has to wait six months to a year to date me. He told me the next day that I can no longer be in contact with him until time has passed and I am further along in my recovery. Since that day he will not talk to me. Not a word. I have spammed his facebook inbox with over 2000 messages, texted him like crazy to the point where he said he would call the cops. I asked him if he was mad at me at one point and he said 'What? Never." <33 Still, it is strange that he is so quiet and withdrawn, has he moved on? I am 23 and he is 33. I can tell that we were in love in the beginning, but now that I've stopped spamming him, I just wonder if he still feels for me? Has he forgotten me? Why won't he at least tell me a few words of encouragement?
I really need support and advice on this whole thing, it makes me want to go out and drink again. I love him so much and I'm taking his need for me to wait and do more recovery personally.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn’t think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness."
How It Works
~
Our troubles are of our own making.
We step on the toes of others and they retaliate.
You knew your sponsor had feelings for her ex and you went after him anyway. That's selfish.
You stepped on the toes of others, and now you have troubles.
And now...here's the get out of jail free card...
"Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience."
How It Works
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,138
I know it's hard, but if you can stop yourself from thinking about him it will be for the best -- for you, and for whatever future friendship or relationship the two of you may have.
My humble recommendation? In the same way that you might catch your addictive voice speaking to you, try to observe and catch when those romantic thoughts take control. Don't delve into them, because they really are a distraction from focusing on ourselves.
Good luck to you.
My humble recommendation? In the same way that you might catch your addictive voice speaking to you, try to observe and catch when those romantic thoughts take control. Don't delve into them, because they really are a distraction from focusing on ourselves.
Good luck to you.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
It took me delving into addiction to realize I had a problem with relationships. I was totally IN LOVE with a functioning alcoholic. His actions, I couldn't deal with and turned to substance abuse.
I dug a deep hole, lost my nursing career, everything I owned, but I didn't care...I found another, then another addict bf.
It took dealing with all the consequences of my addiction to say "I've had enough"...meaning both the relationships and the addiction.
SR has been my lifeline. I learned how to love myself, NOT depend on someone else for my self worth. I'm 5 years into recovery, WAY older than you, but all I know is the person I DON'T want.
We often turn to someone, something else to deal with our addiction. In all honesty? It doesn't matter whether HE loves you, do you love yourself? I spent decades believing that my worth was due to a man. When we are able to be okay with ourselves? Then we have learned about recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I dug a deep hole, lost my nursing career, everything I owned, but I didn't care...I found another, then another addict bf.
It took dealing with all the consequences of my addiction to say "I've had enough"...meaning both the relationships and the addiction.
SR has been my lifeline. I learned how to love myself, NOT depend on someone else for my self worth. I'm 5 years into recovery, WAY older than you, but all I know is the person I DON'T want.
We often turn to someone, something else to deal with our addiction. In all honesty? It doesn't matter whether HE loves you, do you love yourself? I spent decades believing that my worth was due to a man. When we are able to be okay with ourselves? Then we have learned about recovery.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
Wow. Sorry you are defensive about some of the responses to you first post or that others weren't as sensitive as you want.
I have been sober for about 20 months and I too have heard the one-year rule. It's not anything you'll find in the first 164 pages of the Big Book, but I can see the point to it.
I, of course, didn't listen to the rule either and ended up in a wonderful relationship. The pain of being alone was too much. But it wasn't long before my old antics that made relationships impossible started rising to the surface of my skin. I heard in the rooms or a bad movie somewhere that if you are serious about recovery, when you get sober, buy a plant. If the plant is still alive at six months or so, get a pet. If the pet is still alive after a year or so, go out on a date.
I also saw a recovery cartoon somewhere. A sponsor is having coffee with a newcomer. He tells the sponsee, "Hey...you can have all the sex you want. And after a year, you can have sex with someone other than yourself."
I wish I had followed the one-year rule.
So glad you are going to a month of treatment.
I have been sober for about 20 months and I too have heard the one-year rule. It's not anything you'll find in the first 164 pages of the Big Book, but I can see the point to it.
I, of course, didn't listen to the rule either and ended up in a wonderful relationship. The pain of being alone was too much. But it wasn't long before my old antics that made relationships impossible started rising to the surface of my skin. I heard in the rooms or a bad movie somewhere that if you are serious about recovery, when you get sober, buy a plant. If the plant is still alive at six months or so, get a pet. If the pet is still alive after a year or so, go out on a date.
I also saw a recovery cartoon somewhere. A sponsor is having coffee with a newcomer. He tells the sponsee, "Hey...you can have all the sex you want. And after a year, you can have sex with someone other than yourself."
I wish I had followed the one-year rule.
So glad you are going to a month of treatment.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,937
Originally Posted by erutxet
Ya.. after reading through the thread a couple times I feel like I have a lot of work to do before getting in a serious relationship. Everyone's freaking out about all this work I have to do it's like ... I feel like I've done a whole crapload of work already. I'm pretty much burnt out from AA. I've read a lot of the literature and I went to a meeting or two everyday for a month. Blah. I know I'm obsessive.
We have to pace ourselves and remember that life is a journey, not a destination.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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I have no intention of getting involved in this discussion, other than to say this:
erutxet: I genuinely and sincerely believe that the issues that have come out in this thread indicate the need for immediate help from a mental health professional such as a licensed psychologist. It is my hope that you'll do all you can to seek this assistance.
erutxet: I genuinely and sincerely believe that the issues that have come out in this thread indicate the need for immediate help from a mental health professional such as a licensed psychologist. It is my hope that you'll do all you can to seek this assistance.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Philly Burbs
Posts: 102
I'm glad you are still so focused on the goal of not drinking erutxet.
My university offered free consoling to any students who wanted it. I wasn't crazy either, but I probably would have benefited from it. Think about it. Good luck.
My university offered free consoling to any students who wanted it. I wasn't crazy either, but I probably would have benefited from it. Think about it. Good luck.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 478
erutxet-There is a book by Pia Mellody called FACING LOVE ADDICTION--I am not trying to diagnose you; however, I really believe there are some things she talks about that might help you detach some and free up your mind and heart to work on you :-) In other words, take what you want and leave the rest.... It's a tough spot, and I wish you the very best!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
hello,
Thanks only the truth!
Originally Posted by onlythetruth
I have no intention of getting involved in this discussion, other than to say this:
erutxet: I genuinely and sincerely believe that the issues that have come out in this thread indicate the need for immediate help from a mental health professional such as a licensed psychologist. It is my hope that you'll do all you can to seek this assistance.
erutxet: I genuinely and sincerely believe that the issues that have come out in this thread indicate the need for immediate help from a mental health professional such as a licensed psychologist. It is my hope that you'll do all you can to seek this assistance.
Thanks only the truth!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Home - there's no place like Home
Posts: 974
Originally Posted by erutxet
Hello!
He told me the next day that I can no longer be in contact with him until time has passed and I am further along in my recovery. .
He told me the next day that I can no longer be in contact with him until time has passed and I am further along in my recovery. .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
I'm currently in rehab, I get out on Friday. While I have been here I've done my fourth step. I discovered that I'm very insecure and afraid of my recovery journey, to the point where clinging to virtual strangers seems like a good option. I'm very ashamed and filled with remorse concerning my behavior toward my sponsor and her ex boyfriend. I can see now that I really hurt my sponsor with my selfish desires, and I put her ex in a joyless position. I know I owe these people amends, I pray for answers each day. I meditate so I can distance myself from the sexual obsession I have with him. I am grateful for this series of events because I have learnt a lot about myself. I've been humbled by the steps and the input of others, I can truly feel my foolish and weak self will starting to melt away inside of me.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 1,410
erutxet, focus on your sobriety and not relationships. Your only 23 years old, what's the rush? 23 and 33 is not that big of a difference in age but do you truly believe that dating this guy will make you happy? First of all the guy seem like a jerk. You sending him 2000 messages on facebook and he does not reply to tell you stop and move on and then call the police about it. 2000 messages is a lot and it's something that you most likely not have send that many but facebook massages are different from SMS or voice messages.
You will have your ups and downs in life but if you don't get your sobriety straight away then you will see mostly downs then ups. Good luck on your sobriety.
You will have your ups and downs in life but if you don't get your sobriety straight away then you will see mostly downs then ups. Good luck on your sobriety.
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