Hooked up with my sponsor's long-term ex-boyfriend ...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Where the sun is always shining
Posts: 425
Originally Posted by DayTrader 
You posted this in the newcomers area and I try to net get all "AA" down here...... but I'm going to
You're in AA... great. Going to meetings I presume......also great.
In AA, the results come from working steps and applying them to our lives. The situation you described seems to indicate a complete disregard for those steps - especially the first one.
2000 texts/emails.......really? That could be from my DREAM-girl.........and I'd be filing for a restraining order if I had ANY sanity.
Quit making him your higher power - that doesn't work. Quit substituting a relationship for alcohol - that doesn't work either. Start working on your recovery -- or you WILL drink again.
You're in AA... great. Going to meetings I presume......also great.
In AA, the results come from working steps and applying them to our lives. The situation you described seems to indicate a complete disregard for those steps - especially the first one.
2000 texts/emails.......really? That could be from my DREAM-girl.........and I'd be filing for a restraining order if I had ANY sanity.
Quit making him your higher power - that doesn't work. Quit substituting a relationship for alcohol - that doesn't work either. Start working on your recovery -- or you WILL drink again.
Sorry but I have to agree. Your sobriety has to be the most important thing to you right now. Make that first and in time, everything else will work out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by Sapling
Sorry if I sounded rude...I just didn't see much mention of alcohol in your post. One of the suggestions my sponsor gave me was no relationships the first year....Whch makes sense to me because I came into AA a broken man and didn't have a whole lot to offer anyway...Especially to someone in the program. I needed time to work on myself...And I still do. I wish you luck. And I hope your way works for you.
Thank you for your concern for me, it means a lot. I've heard about the one year relationship rule and that seems to be what my guy is following. Haha, he's not my guy, I shouldn't say that. I need time to work on myself before I get with anyone so true! I really don't have anything to offer yet. In fact, the more I do the program, the more I second guess my 'proposal.." HAHAHA ...
Professional Drunk
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 465
Hi erutxet,
To be honest, I question how you could really love this man when you barely know him. It sounds like you love the idea of being in 'love' more. I could be wrong of course, but recovering addicts often 'substitute' things for their DOC. Being in love is sometimes like a drug in itself and has been shown to effect brain chemistry/dopamine levels much like booze/drugs can. 2000 FB messages is ridiculous. You are setting yourself up for relapse if this doesn't work out with him.
To be honest, I question how you could really love this man when you barely know him. It sounds like you love the idea of being in 'love' more. I could be wrong of course, but recovering addicts often 'substitute' things for their DOC. Being in love is sometimes like a drug in itself and has been shown to effect brain chemistry/dopamine levels much like booze/drugs can. 2000 FB messages is ridiculous. You are setting yourself up for relapse if this doesn't work out with him.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Sorry, but he's too old for you and you do not love him. You have a crush and like drama. He isn't contacting you because he isn't interested. Leave him alone and concentrate on your own sobriety. You have a lot of growing up to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
This has ISSUES written all over it.. 2000 messages... let just say 1000 message.. Just a little much.. Just saying.. He doesn't own any pets does he? A certain movies comes to mind.. and the word Stalker....
Hormones are all over the place. We men will be ready for any hole that is warm and moves after we get sober..
There is a reason why the 1 year of no relation is tossed out there... So we work on US, not them, and maybe,,, just maybe find some peace..
I wish you well in recovery, but hooking up only damages ourself and others... If we keep doing what we have been doing we will end up in the same spot.. But hey... Its a self willed/ instant gratification world media and our non-spiritual friends teach us.
Learn/practice what real life is all about. Just saying...
AG
Hormones are all over the place. We men will be ready for any hole that is warm and moves after we get sober..
There is a reason why the 1 year of no relation is tossed out there... So we work on US, not them, and maybe,,, just maybe find some peace..
I wish you well in recovery, but hooking up only damages ourself and others... If we keep doing what we have been doing we will end up in the same spot.. But hey... Its a self willed/ instant gratification world media and our non-spiritual friends teach us.
Learn/practice what real life is all about. Just saying...
AG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by suki44883
Sorry, but he's too old for you and you do not love him. You have a crush and like drama. He isn't contacting you because he isn't interested. Leave him alone and concentrate on your own sobriety. You have a lot of growing up to do.
I agree with leaving it alone and concentrating on my own sobriety. And I know that asking him to marry me was very childish. But it's my own learning curve, I have to hit the wall myself before I realize I need to turn right or left to stop crashing. I can only grow on my own time, no one elses.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by erutxet
Well, I'm not a seasoned AA so it makes sense I've made mistakes. Clearly he has his priorities in order because he hasn't spoken a word to me since he said we would talk more after future notice on his part to me. So I'm lucky I didn't end up falling for a thirteenth stepper who would have just used me. I surely would have went out and drank again over that.
It's pretty funny that he threatened to call the police on me twice, and had me kicked out of the home group for being too .. rambunctious? Step three had finally sunk into my head and I became a raving religious lunatic .. I forgot Tradition eleven, that it's about attraction rather than promotion.. meaning that if I look like a Jesus freak and I'm condemning people for not having a higher power they are going to run in the other direction .. and he explained all of this to me! That's love! Well, maybe it's just support and caring, but he certainly didn't have to explain everything to me and cut me loose. When he cut me loose I found a new home group that I adore and things are much better because I don't see him everyday so we can't flirt. It's perfect! The only worry is that maybe he doesn't love me anymore or he never did and I'm obsessing over someone who is totally over me ..
Holy crap I'm doing it again! 
YA There it is, making him my higher power in those last few sentences! I need to STOP. You are bang on .. I just can't help it.. he's like perfectly flawless in the program and he always helps others. He's so loving and it's like, I want to be just like him. And he's a total babe he has blue eyes and he's sooo sexy and athletic *sigh* well the only way to get what he has is to do the steps and stay away from the bottle and the baggie so ... I guess that's what I've got to do. Thanks!
It's pretty funny that he threatened to call the police on me twice, and had me kicked out of the home group for being too .. rambunctious? Step three had finally sunk into my head and I became a raving religious lunatic .. I forgot Tradition eleven, that it's about attraction rather than promotion.. meaning that if I look like a Jesus freak and I'm condemning people for not having a higher power they are going to run in the other direction .. and he explained all of this to me! That's love! Well, maybe it's just support and caring, but he certainly didn't have to explain everything to me and cut me loose. When he cut me loose I found a new home group that I adore and things are much better because I don't see him everyday so we can't flirt. It's perfect! The only worry is that maybe he doesn't love me anymore or he never did and I'm obsessing over someone who is totally over me ..
Holy crap I'm doing it again! YA There it is, making him my higher power in those last few sentences! I need to STOP. You are bang on .. I just can't help it.. he's like perfectly flawless in the program and he always helps others. He's so loving and it's like, I want to be just like him. And he's a total babe he has blue eyes and he's sooo sexy and athletic *sigh* well the only way to get what he has is to do the steps and stay away from the bottle and the baggie so ... I guess that's what I've got to do. Thanks!And you're right - we all mess steps up, we still make mistakes - we do things plain WRONG......in and out of sobriety.
One thing we try to do is grow, get better, screw up less often and fix the damage more quickly. Waking up to current unmanageability or current insanity, or current agnosticism, or any of those things "feels" awful at the time. The GOOD NEWS though, is we now know where to apply some special attention.
Hit up the 12-step section and put up some questions, concerns, beliefs, or whatever if you please...... I can be a lot more help down there. (not everyone here is a 12-stepper so, out of respect for the non-AA folks, I keep my AA talk to those who actually want to hear it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by JustARide
Sounds like he's not as interested in you as you are in him...or else he wouldn't ignore you or threaten to call the police? 
He threatened to call the police because I wouldn't stop calling him. But after that incident I called him and asked him if he was mad at me quickly before I hung up and he said "NO, NEVER!!" So he gets it .. on some level he understands, right? I don't know anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
I finally GOT IT... So you get this guy to marry you and life is now fixed...
Wait... No......Married and even more screwed up...
I've been in a relationship or two.. heck maybe three,, four... but the reality is are YOU ready? Are YOU gift to him? What can you bring to the table beside sex? Just tossing these in your face questions as ALL i read out of this is HOOKUP.. HOOKUP...then a few months later after that isn't new anymore reality sets in and time to look for a new man/woman...
Sorry.. Just call it as I see it... And being around sober in the program for 20 years I see it all the time..
Chances of staying sober are severly reduced acting on this behavior..
AG
Wait... No......Married and even more screwed up...
I've been in a relationship or two.. heck maybe three,, four... but the reality is are YOU ready? Are YOU gift to him? What can you bring to the table beside sex? Just tossing these in your face questions as ALL i read out of this is HOOKUP.. HOOKUP...then a few months later after that isn't new anymore reality sets in and time to look for a new man/woman...
Sorry.. Just call it as I see it... And being around sober in the program for 20 years I see it all the time..
Chances of staying sober are severly reduced acting on this behavior..
AG
Originally Posted by erutxet
I have thought about this so much, it hurts that you've brought it up so freely! He told me, the last time we talked, that he doesn't want to be alone with me until I have six months to a year of continued sobriety. He said that he'll find me when it's time, but now he's bound by rules and good intention to let me go until then. So he's ignoring me but with good intentions, so that I can recover without making him my higher power.
He threatened to call the police because I wouldn't stop calling him. But after that incident I called him and asked him if he was mad at me quickly before I hung up and he said "NO, NEVER!!" So he gets it .. on some level he understands, right? I don't know anymore.
He threatened to call the police because I wouldn't stop calling him. But after that incident I called him and asked him if he was mad at me quickly before I hung up and he said "NO, NEVER!!" So he gets it .. on some level he understands, right? I don't know anymore.
Quitter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Philly Burbs
Posts: 102
Originally Posted by erutxet
I have thought about this so much, it hurts that you've brought it up so freely! He told me, the last time we talked, that he doesn't want to be alone with me until I have six months to a year of continued sobriety. He said that he'll find me when it's time, but now he's bound by rules and good intention to let me go until then. So he's ignoring me but with good intentions, so that I can recover without making him my higher power.
He threatened to call the police because I wouldn't stop calling him. But after that incident I called him and asked him if he was mad at me quickly before I hung up and he said "NO, NEVER!!" So he gets it .. on some level he understands, right? I don't know anymore.
He threatened to call the police because I wouldn't stop calling him. But after that incident I called him and asked him if he was mad at me quickly before I hung up and he said "NO, NEVER!!" So he gets it .. on some level he understands, right? I don't know anymore.
is it possible that the 1 year thing is his escape, as you may have scared him off? Maybe? Maybe Not? But move on...because...sounds like HE HAS!
Do you go to any consoling in addition to your AA meetings?
Does your school offer any consoling for free?
Sorry if I sound harsh. Don't mean to. Wish you the best in working it out. Most important, stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: LA, California
Posts: 372
Sounds like you gotta move on. While I definitely don't believe there is any age regulation in love, I still don't believe you two are quite on the same page. 2000 unanswered messages to him? I'd be annoyed by more than 5. You have to understand that this is a sobriety forum, your sobriety is the key here. Relationships, friendships etc, that will all start to work itself out. Remember why you are here, how many days sober do you have?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Welcome erutxet 
I know from my own experience it's very easy to get focused, even obsessed, on 'other stuff' in early recovery - I found recovery to be so massive, all encompassing and scary that I welcomed any distraction...
I also found focusing on myself was difficult...I was so used to focusing all my attention on others.
I really recommend you try and live with yourself a little, & focus on your recovery for a while - doing that for me helped me finally become comfortable in my own skin and my own company, and when I did start to date again, I found I was better for having taking that time out.
I found not only did my life become a whole lot more manageable that way, but so did my relationships.
D
I know from my own experience it's very easy to get focused, even obsessed, on 'other stuff' in early recovery - I found recovery to be so massive, all encompassing and scary that I welcomed any distraction...
I also found focusing on myself was difficult...I was so used to focusing all my attention on others.
I really recommend you try and live with yourself a little, & focus on your recovery for a while - doing that for me helped me finally become comfortable in my own skin and my own company, and when I did start to date again, I found I was better for having taking that time out.
I found not only did my life become a whole lot more manageable that way, but so did my relationships.
D
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
The only thing I would add to this discussion .... and I mean this in all sincerity ... is that there is only ONE thing that should matter to you right now, and that is your sobriety. All of these other distractions and drama can only be detrimental to your recovery. I truly hope you will make good choices for yourself and focus on YOU right now. Everything else can wait.
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
proposing to a guy you barely know, 2000 fb messages, calling him until he threatens to call the police...
all of this is incredibly unhealthy. it's extreme obsession and compulsion which is the core of our disease. now is the time to be singularly focused on yourself and your recovery.
all of this is incredibly unhealthy. it's extreme obsession and compulsion which is the core of our disease. now is the time to be singularly focused on yourself and your recovery.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,964
Glad you are getting serious about sobriety and going to treatment.
I strongly urge you to understand that the only relationship that needs to be worked on in the first year is the one between you and your higher power. "No human power could have relieved our alcoholism."
At 23, I also thought I knew what love was. I thought I knew it all. There is so much to learn about life.
I strongly suggest you focus on you and on your relationship with your higher power.
The future will unfold in a beautiful way for you if you keep your priorities straight.
I wish you only the best.
I strongly urge you to understand that the only relationship that needs to be worked on in the first year is the one between you and your higher power. "No human power could have relieved our alcoholism."
At 23, I also thought I knew what love was. I thought I knew it all. There is so much to learn about life.
I strongly suggest you focus on you and on your relationship with your higher power.
The future will unfold in a beautiful way for you if you keep your priorities straight.
I wish you only the best.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR erutxet
Don't shout at me...but is there any possibility that you're trading one addiction for another. I've heard it's common is all and this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. And especially as it is regarding an ex of your sponsors...how did you meet him exactly? I know us alcoholics aren't renown for our self control but I really think the lack of ability to use our rational minds in these matters is very similar to our alcohol problems. Saying things like it's love at first sight etc are excuses we use to justify the fact that we did something against our own better judgement.
That said, I hope you use the space he has given you to concentrate on your sobriety.
Best wishes x
Don't shout at me...but is there any possibility that you're trading one addiction for another. I've heard it's common is all and this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. And especially as it is regarding an ex of your sponsors...how did you meet him exactly? I know us alcoholics aren't renown for our self control but I really think the lack of ability to use our rational minds in these matters is very similar to our alcohol problems. Saying things like it's love at first sight etc are excuses we use to justify the fact that we did something against our own better judgement.
That said, I hope you use the space he has given you to concentrate on your sobriety.
Best wishes x
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