erutxet

Hello!

I am one month and three weeks sober. In the short time I've been a part of AA, I've been through four sponsors, kicked out of a home group, and have proposed to a man. I proposed to my sponsor's ex-boyfriend. I knew he liked me all along and there was no way to hide the feelings anymore. Things hit the fan when she caught us together on Good Friday in April. It was early in the morning and she thought I'd slept at his house with him, when really I'd dropped by to tell him about my overwhelming feelings for him. I barely know him, what I do know of him I heard through my sponsor, who is clearly not over him and talked about him endlessly. He is 5 years sober and she's been sober for 5 months because she keeps relapsing. He doesn't love her anymore and it's obvious to many of us that she still hopes they'll get back together. Anyway, after she found me at his house and saw how he was behaving affectionately toward me she wanted nothing to do with me. In retaliation she told his sponsor, who is the husband of her sponsor, what happened and they all told him that he has to wait six months to a year to date me. He told me the next day that I can no longer be in contact with him until time has passed and I am further along in my recovery. Since that day he will not talk to me. Not a word. I have spammed his facebook inbox with over 2000 messages, texted him like crazy to the point where he said he would call the cops. I asked him if he was mad at me at one point and he said 'What? Never." <33 Still, it is strange that he is so quiet and withdrawn, has he moved on? I am 23 and he is 33. I can tell that we were in love in the beginning, but now that I've stopped spamming him, I just wonder if he still feels for me? Has he forgotten me? Why won't he at least tell me a few words of encouragement?

I really need support and advice on this whole thing, it makes me want to go out and drink again. I love him so much and I'm taking his need for me to wait and do more recovery personally.

Sapling

Welcome erutxet....In seven weeks you've done all that?....I don't want to be harsh here...Do you know why you even went to AA?

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I hope you can focus on your recovery.

Weasel1966

If the purpose for you going to AA is to get sober than stop creating the drama so that neither you or those you are working with can achieve that goal.

Get a new sponsor. If the one you have has 5 months sober because they keep relapsing then she should not be a sponsor. I do not even officially go to AA and know that.

You also sound like you need to recovery from the need for drama and alcohol.

This post certainly was not alcohol focused.

Find a new group and start at the real problems at hand. Not the ones you creat in the process of getting sober.

Just my opinion.

EXM6

Please do not drink... As terrible as you're feeling I fear it will just make things worse. It sounds like things are really spiraling for you without the booze, imagine if you add that into the equation.

It sounds like you really need to take a step back from him. 2000 messages, coupled with text messages sounds like a lot and I would hate for him to call the police on you and make it worse. You mention that you don't know him that well, do you know how come you've placed so much importance on the relationship?

Do you have any other professional support in your life, aside from AA? It sounds like you may benefit from it to get you through.

SOBERINNEPA

WOW, you stay busy!

At less than two months sober, I wasn't in any shape to start a new jar of peanut butter much less a new relatioship.

Would you consider just stepping down the momentum a little bit and just work on yourself? Right now I might be concerned with paying a good foundation for continued sobriety.

A sponsor with more than five months sobriety might be a good idea, too.

erutxet

I came to AA to get and stay sober. I've been in and out of AA and NA for three years and this is the longest I've managed to stay sober. A lot of my future plans are contingent on me staying sober. I'm doing my MA in Literary Studies and without full, uninterrupted sobriety I'll lose my scholarship and my future essentially! So yeah, I have reasons to be there, I want a better life for myself. Just because I want my sobriety doesn't mean I'm suddenly immune life happening. We all know that alcohol was never really our problem, it was us! Kind of a rude welcome on your part, but oh well!

erutxet

Hello, thanks for your thorough response. I have gotten a new sponsor in the meantime, two actually. One in AA and one in NA. I am closer to the NA one. We are going to do my fifth step together after I get out of the treatment centre I am going to tomorrow. I am going to do my fourth step while I'm in there. I am happy because as soon as I get out of the treatment centre I'll be able to pick up my two month chip!

The girl I chose to be my sponsor fell into my hands naturally, we had a really great connection and I needed someone to go through the book with me with a fine tooth comb and she was willing. I don't judge people on their clean time, I judge then on their hearts. I've relapsed several times too, it happens. This problem is as alcohol related as it gets! The problem isn't alcohol it's our temperament and what drives us to the bottle. I'm telling you that this is driving me to the bottle, and this is the newcomer forum, so I don't see how the post is out of line. When we get sober, drama in inevitable. We are withdrawing from our old lives. If you aren't going through intense mental, physical and spiritual changes in early sobriety then you are probably not doing it right.

When I drank I was very quiet and hated everyone but now that I'm sober I'm actually pretty manipulative and flirty and goal driven I am finding. These are all experiences I can learn from.

Again, a bit of a rude welcome, similar to sapling, but oh well!

erutxet

Thanks for your compassionate response.
I do not have a desire to drink actually! I just know that in my old life, a situation like this would immediately drive me to the bottle. I try to stay active and go to meetings so that I don't get swept into depression over the entire situation, and my behaviour. I think I have done a regrettable thing or two here and I'm just not sure what to do with myself at this point. that's the trouble. I have stepped back from him now. It hurts that he promised me he'd come back for me after I was about 6 months to a year sober but now I realize that could just have been something he said to get rid of me. Who knows!

I put importance on the relationship because I really love him! Everyone says it's impossible but I really think it's love at first sight.. and I could tell, so could he, it was obvious, his friends tease him and me. What worries me is if he'll come back.

I am going to treatment tomorrow. I have a psychologist through my university. I am definitely going insane in early sobriety. But this is good, it means that some sort of purification is happening within my spiritually...

Weasel1966

No rudeness intended. But please read your description of yourself as manipulative.

That alone will present an obstacle to sobriety.

One cannot be both honest and manipulative.

Welcome. All are welcome here. You will find support to get through.

All the best to you.

erutxet

Thank you for the kind response. I agree with everything you've said. I'm going to treatment tomorrow for a month so that will be 100% about me. I will be able to slow things way down and focus on me. I have sponsors with more sobriety now, one in NA and one in AA. When I get back from treatment I'll be doing my 5th step. Haha, wow, wanting to get married and I'm not even half way through the steps! That's my personality, I'm a silly speed demon. I need to slow down. Yeah, that sounds good, creating a foundation for continued sobriety. I have been learning a lot about my higher power, the Christian God, and on spiritual authors like OSHO, Tolstoy, Gandhi, and the bible.

Yeah, it's all about about me for now, I guess. Oh, I wonder if he still cares about me!

erutxet

You're not a very compassionate teacher. You should give me praise for noticing that I am manipulative, instead of re-stating what I've already noted about myself and pointing your finger. I realize it's an obstacle. How could I not realize that.

I can see that there is a lot of support here, I am glad I chose to register for this forum. A lot of other support forums are really lacking as far as replying is concerned, but no lack here!

wow04

Welcome! Your story sounds like me 9 years ago!

I think you will see as you work the steps and grow what everyone is saying. No one is judging you.

Early in recovery, you are not ready for a relationship. Your focus should be on your recovery and how to remain sober. There are people that have a year of recovery and say they still aren't ready for a relationship.

Hang in there, go to treatment, work the steps, and become the new you!!

EXM6

I will never begin to tell you it's impossible -- I have no idea. What I do know, is heartbreak can be agonizing. I feel like I can safely say that you've probably been in love before and if things don't work out with this man -- you'll probably be in love again. Going through it at the time SUCKS but I know for myself, I feel comfort in knowing that I've been here before and have managed to get myself through it. It's funny how we can let some people invade our thoughts for sooo long and after we get through it, we barely give them a second thought.

I'm happy to hear you're going to treatment tomorrow! I think EVERYONE can benefit from treatment -- 24 hours of constant counselling? Yeah sign me up. Good luck!

Try not to put so much importance on your relationship with this man. I'm sure he's wonderful and lovely -- but it's dangerous to give SO much of ourselves away. I know, a lot easier said than done... but it's the truth!

Sapling

Sorry if I sounded rude...I just didn't see much mention of alcohol in your post. One of the suggestions my sponsor gave me was no relationships the first year....Whch makes sense to me because I came into AA a broken man and didn't have a whole lot to offer anyway...Especially to someone in the program. I needed time to work on myself...And I still do. I wish you luck. And I hope your way works for you.

erutxet

WOW what a beautiful response, this is the love I was truly looking for here!!!! Even though I'm only on my third step going on fourth step, I feel like I've changed so much already. Now that I have a higher power in my life I can rely on it when I would have relied on alcohol or one of my other many addictions. I even quit smoking! WOW! I really love to think that things can only get better if I keep doing the steps, I can only get stronger and better. Wow. They said I would be amazed before I was half way through and I am, I surely am. Ya I've made mistakes but I am sorry for them and am owning up for them today, step ten. I know I'm not ready for a relationship right now but he is just so incredibly attractive and so good at living the program I was just suddenly so enamored by him. I know now that if it was meant to be we will find each other .. But in the meantime I have to focus on me. He really did have my best intentions in mind when he suggested that we wait .. it's tough love that he's ignoring me like this... he let me go so I could get better, that is love! I have to not put all my eggs in one basket and hope he comes back .. I have to get him go as well and hope for a better future for me....... guys come AFTER sobriety in importance.

Thanks again!!!

DayTrader

You posted this in the newcomers area and I try to net get all "AA" down here...... but I'm going to

You're in AA... great. Going to meetings I presume......also great.

In AA, the results come from working steps and applying them to our lives. The situation you described seems to indicate a complete disregard for those steps - especially the first one.

2000 texts/emails.......really? That could be from my DREAM-girl.........and I'd be filing for a restraining order if I had ANY sanity.

Quit making him your higher power - that doesn't work. Quit substituting a relationship for alcohol - that doesn't work either. Start working on your recovery -- or you WILL drink again.

erutxet

Thanks for the encouragement on going to treatment, I'm very scared. I've been to three treatment centres in the past, but I had always gone to make someone else happy and I would use drugs while I was there if I could find them. Now that I'm sober and my goal is to stay sober, I'm afraid! I'm afraid of the changes that await me, the tears, how hard it is to talk about past abuse that others have done to me and what I've done to others. But it needs to happen so I can grow! You have to break the bone and reset it properly if it's not straight, or you'll forever walk with a limp.

Ah, the way you've put the relationship with the man is perfect. Thanks for not telling me to lose all hope because that's just not realistic, he's my first true love! But explaining that heartbreak happens all the time and that people get over it ALL THE TIME gives me faith that whatever happens I'll come out of it a whole and happy human being with stories to tell. I can live with that. I'll try to minimize my daydreaming of having children together and going hiking .. it's really only hurting me. Have to direct that energy to myself in my sobriety.

Thanks!

SOBERINNEPA

"Oh, I wonder if he still cares about me!"

Betcha He does.

erutxet

Well, I'm not a seasoned AA so it makes sense I've made mistakes. Clearly he has his priorities in order because he hasn't spoken a word to me since he said we would talk more after future notice on his part to me. So I'm lucky I didn't end up falling for a thirteenth stepper who would have just used me. I surely would have went out and drank again over that.
It's pretty funny that he threatened to call the police on me twice, and had me kicked out of the home group for being too .. rambunctious? Step three had finally sunk into my head and I became a raving religious lunatic .. I forgot Tradition eleven, that it's about attraction rather than promotion.. meaning that if I look like a Jesus freak and I'm condemning people for not having a higher power they are going to run in the other direction .. and he explained all of this to me! That's love! Well, maybe it's just support and caring, but he certainly didn't have to explain everything to me and cut me loose. When he cut me loose I found a new home group that I adore and things are much better because I don't see him everyday so we can't flirt. It's perfect! The only worry is that maybe he doesn't love me anymore or he never did and I'm obsessing over someone who is totally over me .. Holy crap I'm doing it again! YA There it is, making him my higher power in those last few sentences! I need to STOP. You are bang on .. I just can't help it.. he's like perfectly flawless in the program and he always helps others. He's so loving and it's like, I want to be just like him. And he's a total babe he has blue eyes and he's sooo sexy and athletic *sigh* well the only way to get what he has is to do the steps and stay away from the bottle and the baggie so ... I guess that's what I've got to do. Thanks!