least

Congrats on four months sober!!

anattaboy

Way to go on 4+ months VG! I was going to start a similar thread titled "Everything is NOT Zen". You summed it up nicely---and so did the responses. I feel pretty good about being sober after reading the love and you should too.

Sanfran49

The part about wasted time strikes particularly close to home. I have conversations with my parents and brothers every few nights. We are incredibly close, but I never remember what we discussed unless I write it down during the conversation, a tactic that is painful for me to admit to doing (even to internet strangers).

Good for you. I hope to be four months sober next Spring. What you must have gone through to get there is the very fear that keeps me from trying (though I intend, finally, to give it a real shot this or next weekend).

Mark1014

Thank you for this post Dee. Some days faith is all we've got.

And VikingGF, thanks for your willingness to open so honestly. I've learned some things as I've read through this thread and seen the caring wisdom shared with you...shared by people that have been exactly where we are, people who promise us that things will get better and easier. I believe that during the inevitable low times that faith in the wisdom of those that have gone before will be enough. Thanks again for sharing.

VikingGF

OMG do I. This place is seriously a life-saving sanctuary. I am so glad I reached out. Words are not enough, but thank you so much to every post, every word written today- your kind and powerful and thoughtful posts have given me hope and strength and I will keep going and expect good things. I'm happy to do the work. I swear I am.

I've done a lot of thinking today, and I know things have to change, whether it be where I live (came here for my husband's job eons ago) my parents are so far away.... and I NEED a dog- seriously missing my Willow and life is hollow without her. But, at the same time, it seems important to make my own place, I've just been drifting for so long, letting life take me along rather than steering my own course. Just wondering at what point am I taking control or giving up. LOL. Maybe I'm a little to hard on me. I have to say, if I had a friend in my position, I'd be a lot more compassionate... When does the self-hatred go away?

Again, thank you so much for the words today. Really needed them.

ONWARD.

growpath

Viking - I never saw this thread before. You are an amazing woman!!!

What you described in today's post I feel is my life lately. You are not alone. I keep trying to find an explanation for my sober sanity and it's driving me mad. But knowing you are going through the same comforts me in some odd way lol. Just know if you ever need a friend I am here. I get it.

Your journey is amazing. I'm so glad you are here. I am so glad you shared this in 2011 and today. You helped me today. I am very grateful for you!!!

Keep on keepin on Viking!!!!!!

growpath

*** don't know how to correct post from phone app*** sober insanity. That could have probably been collected without clarification though

While I'm here CONGRATS ON OVER 40 DAYS. YOURE AMAZING AND AN INSPIRATION!!!

growpath

Last post I swear lol because I don't know how to "thank" on this phone app either. Dee as always thank you for the post in this thread today too. I got faith it will get better for Viking, me and those others on this thread who are wondering if "this is as good as it gets"

VikingGF

Posting here again because things are changing fast. Is 4 months some kind of magical number of months? I dunno. All I know is, all the sudden, my resolve and good attitude have reappeared, my strength renewed. You know what I want? I don't want not drinking to be my life goal. I don't want it to be my focus every dang day. For the past two days, I just kind of went about my business, and didn't really even think about it. Maybe that's what is coming. A life without obsession. Without the obsession to drink, without the obsession to not drink. I know. 4 months, I'm still new, it's still early. But seriously, it can't always be so much work. Right?

Dee74

I'm glad to read this VGF

No, my life's not a struggle anymore

D

VikingGF

Thanks, as always, Dee.

I know it's about growth and figuring it all out and being happy in the present and all that. Working at it the best I can. Feeling better is my reward, doing my job well, being there for the family.... Waking up ready to do it all again. It's funny, looking back over this relatively short time- I can't believe how different my life is already. Home sober on a Friday night?? Crazy. Designated driver now, ALL the time? Crazy. Happy to be in for a quiet evening once in a while. Reading and being the ONLY one at book club who can remember ALL the books AND authors we've read over the past 2 years. Being respected at my job and in my personal life. Not a joke anymore how much I can drink everyone else under the table and still drive home (so ashamed of that, and will be forever.) Answering the phone at any hour of the night without worrying about sounding drunk. Hearing, "Lisa doesn't drink" stated numerous times by my friends. OMG. I think I just realized something. I like me. I actually like me now. Tears.

Dee74

I like you too

I learned something this year - just when you think life can't possibly change any more, it will - be prepared to like your life and your self, even more

D

VikingGF

Still here, still kicking it in a sober way. 4 months is an interesting place. As I feel physically better, and have objective proof that I am better, such as the numbers on my blood work and the scale, my doctor's wry comment, "I just can't give up my wine, good for you," and the feeling of freedom that prevails when I drive myself home at the end of the night, I am finding something very interesting happening. Life is actually evolving! I can tic off new things I am doing, new skills I have developed, avenues that have opened for me because I'm not drunk and isolating anymore. The house is clean, I have knitted several scarves, I now teach cooking classes on a regular basis, have taken a course in painting, getting my gun license (want to shoot skeet,) joined a dog rescue and am actively looking for a dog, working more than ever before. The weight continues to come off (I have a ways to go but I'm looking so much better, there, I said it!) and clothes shopping is replacing my drinking addiction, possibly. The ups and downs are still getting to me, but as it's been pointed out, this is all new to me. It's just when I looked back over the last 4 months, I couldn't believe how much they were filled with- good and bad stuff- in contrast with the empty years before them.

I know I'm rambling. But it's my thread, so I get to do that...


So many thanks to this site for being a constant support and safe place to come.

freshstart57

I like that, Lisa, sober lives are full. Some of the contents are not at all good, but most of the content is fabulous and we get to choose our favourite stuff, and even find new favourite stuff too.

You sound as though you are doing just great. Congratulations to you. Onward, VikingGF!

VikingGF

I'm posting here again because time is moving differently now. I no longer feel the need to be here every day, but I do come from time to time to remember why I was here at all. It was odd, I really had to step away from this site for a bit, from my own illness, maybe, so I could STOP thinking about it so much. Posting daily was actually reminding me every day that there was something WRONG with me, and that itself was making me anxious and unhappy. Not that I want to sweep my addiction under the rug, I don't. But being sober can not be the point of every day- it can't be my biggest focus. I know I am still new at this (my god I can't wait until I can stop saying that) and that the early months are the most challenging and blah, blah, but so much has happened in the past 3 months that I am consumed by those things, not whether I'm going to pick up or not. That is the farthest thing from my mind, and then I come here and, boom, there it is again. I had to stop. I feel like for the first time in my whole life I can think, and make a plan, and stick to it and be available to my friends and family like I have not ever before. I worry that maybe I'm not tending to my recovery enough. I don't know. I guess I'll find out.

colagirl

You sound a lot like me! It looks like you are a few months in, that's when I really noticed I wasn't thinking about it as much, it just became a way of life. The important thing is to stay vigilant against the sneaky AV, but I wouldn't worry too much about not thinking about recovery constantly - that can even be the AV trying to talk to you.

Congrats on your sober time!

VikingGF

That's kind of what I found, I was talking to the AV too much. Got annoying.

VikingGF

Oy. I sound like a whiny b*itch in the past several posts, up down, up down. Honestly, I don't think I've begun to process what's going on with me because I have been pretty consumed with my parents even though it is from afar. It's a complex relationship to begin with, my mother in recovery herself for many years, and with the roles of my parents changing after Dad's stroke, well, it's been a lot. I have been trying so hard to be a good support, but I also work in long-term care as a therapist so keeping some kind of objectivity about my dad's recovery has been hard. It's affecting how I do my job and some days, I really want to shut everything off. Somedays, the mental fog is so dense.

I tried not coming here for a little while- bad plan. I'm too new at all this to just wing it- and it got scary and dangerous for me as I started to feel a pull to go to my wine store and plunk down my cash for a bottle or 12. So I came back and reminded myself of why I'm here at all and that my not-so-perfect life (right now) has nothing to do with not drinking. Adding wine to the mix sure would not make anything better.

Besides, I missed my friends here and on the 24 hour thread.

Onward.

soberlicious

That's it right there.

The AV always, and will always, want to tie any and everything in life to alcohol. AV logic will forever remain flawed, so its not necessary to ever examine it again.

I bolded the above in your post because those two words are huge. Life is in a constant state of flux. Keeping that in mind always gives me strength to hang on during the challenges.

JanieJ

Hey Viking, glad you posted. Always see you supporting everyone else, so it's about time you got some validation for yourself

The situation with your parents must be very taxing on you, and recovery itself can be exhausting at times.

I hope in all of this you are taking a little time occasionally to do something exclusively for you.x