colagirl

I hear you on how you can't believe you didn't feel like you could get out from under the need to drink. Isn't it amazing how it clouds your thoughts like that? I was just thinking earlier today about the few months before I quit and how I was so scared that I couldn't do it and had no idea how I would handle anything without wanting to drink. I thought it would always be as bad as the first days, and am amazed now how I hardly think about it.

You are doing so well and I'm proud of you!

VikingGF

Well, I am having a really hard day, so I went back to the beginning of this thread and read every word. In January 2012 I disappeared from this site completely until July 2014. Yikes. I can't even count how many times I tried to quit in that time frame, never making it more than 24 hours. Not only that, but the posts from the early years sound like the people I now reach out to to help. I know more seasoned members see this cycle every day, but seeing it as myself is very eye-opening. I will not drink today.

soberlicious

I'm sorry about your hard day. Some days are like that. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that warrants drinking. I'm so glad you know that truth, vikinggf. When everything else is uncertain, and swirling around, and scary...hold fast to that truth. It's what will keep you safe from the abyss.
xo

VikingGF

You are so right, soberlicious. I forgot something very important today- I am not missing out on anything- this is my awesome, brilliant choice- and I should be filled with peace and gratitude at the prospect of a sober future. It sounds so positive I can hardly recognize this as my own thinking, but my power is my attitude. I just forgot.

VikingGF

Home from dealing with a true crisis in my immediate family. Still not drinking, able to do what I needed to do for my mother and father to the best of my ability. And now, I want a drink. I want to go and sit with my friends and have a glass of wine like any other normal person and just be. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I am so full of anger and frustration and sadness and did I say frustration?

Going to my friend's house for some decompression. And seltzer. I hope.

Gilmer

(((Viking)))

PurpleKnight

Hang in there Viking, we need to find new tools to deal with life!!

The quick fix of alcohol for me never stopped at 1 glass, a few bottles later would have done more damage than good!!

Dee74

I think I can 'just be' even better without alcohol Lisa.

I actually process things now, and work through them, rather than trying to numb them out.

It's a longer process, sure, but it gets quicker the more you do it - I'm pretty good at letting things go now.

D

courage2

OK. It's ok to want that. But you're an alcoholic, and it's not an option. Why add the burden of a relapse -- the disappointment, the revival of the obsession in full force -- and who knows what consequences? -- to your current challenges? You're a decent & strong person & you can face all these things without a drink, and be proud that you did!

((VGF))

VikingGF

Tomorrow will be four months. For some reason, this last month has been the longest, and the most trying, both emotionally and physically. A stressful event in my life has turned me into a ball of nerves, and with such poor coping skills from years of drinking, finding suitable ways to release tension have not been second nature. I know I should mediate, do yoga or go for a brisk walk. I KNOW this. But often I get so caught up in my own head- I just want to shut it all down. I want peace. I thought I had it there for a little bit- actually felt strong and happy for the first time in years, and fate rolled the dice yet again. Why does it seem each time I get a grip, something comes along to shake me off balance, filling me full with self-doubt and fear. Afraid to look forward, stuck in the past, sitting again in tar. So very afraid. On the outside, I look strong and confident. Inside, I want to shut the doors, close the windows and never venture out. Now I'm just doing it without drinking. Is that better? Sure. Does it feel better? No, not really. I'm still sad, lonely and afraid. Now I just feel it all.

I now realize I have been keeping all of this inside, which just makes it worse. No longer do I want to burden my friends, they all have their own demons, and they really wouldn't get it anyway. They aren't addicts. I haven't really even shared here lately, because I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed that I thought I had it all together and I just don't. I've lost the euphoric feeling I had winning the battle against the wine bottle, and that was the one thing I depended on to help me feel better about everything else. At least I wasn't drinking. Score one for me! Now it feels very hollow. I'm not drinking. But nothing is better. Not really.

I have tried to change so much, I work harder, eat better, pay more attention to my friends and family, do things I am supposed to enjoy, get good sleep, exercise (not enough, tho) and I do not drink. And I feel like an empty husk most of the time. I honestly do not know what else to do. Well, I cry. I cry a lot.

My birthday post was very grateful and humble, and really, those were my true feelings at that time. I feel like two people most of the time. The fun, upbeat, positive person most people see, and the one who just wants everyone to go away and leave me alone. So I can complain about being alone. I just don't get me at all.

gypsytears

4 months is awesome. Keep it up, and work on the other stuff.

SoberLeigh

Oh, Viking GF, I wish I could give you a real-life hug.

Four months is a wonderful accomplishment but, in the total scheme of recovery, it is still early times. It was at 4-1/2 months that I came the closest to caving and guess where I was - sitting on the balcony of a beautiful villa in Marbella, Spain looking at a gorgeous aqua Mediterranean sea - and guess how I felt - EMPTY; all I could I think about was how great a glass of Chardonnay would feel, yep, how it would make me 'feel' - the warmth, the sun, the beyond gorgeous view, the great man sitting at my side - none of it felt enough. Wine was still my damn tool. (And this vacation was an escape from the caregiving responsibilities which consumed my existence at home for over two years and I still couldn't 'feel' it).

I didn't cave and I am eternally grateful that I didn't; things did get better, much better; I came to truly appreciate and feel that beautiful life with which I have been blessed but not then - not at 4-1/2 months.

So I guess what I am saying is hold on; don't give up; beef up your program if you think it will help (and, maybe, even if you don't); maybe schedule a session or two with a therapist; just don't give up.

You are loved here, VikingGF; lean on us. Keep on.

GotGrace

(((VikingGF)))

Thank you for today's post. I can relate to a lot of it. Sometimes I can handle really difficult situations serenely, without craving; other times a few potholes can send me reeling and craving and feeling frustrated and like chucking it.

I just tell myself it's all part of the process. It is foolish for me to expect decades of addictive behavior to vanish with a few months of sobriety. By making it through a difficult patch without drinking, I am that much stronger for next time.

Keep fighting, friend. We are here for you and we understand.

soberlicious

You may not feel like things are better, but they are. You are no longer living a daily cycle of addiction. It's easy to forget how hellish and exhausting that is. You say you feel like an empty husk, but remember that you also felt this way when drinking. You can address the ways you feel and anything else about your life you don't like, as long you don't drink. If you begin to drink again, then all the potential to create the life you want will be lost. Being addicted to alcohol is pretty much a full time job. I found there wasn't room for anything else really.

Millions of people have felt the way you feel right now, whether they ever drank or not. The feelings you are having are part of the human condition. Don't tie them into your drinking because they have nothing to do with it. Doing so makes it easier for the addicted part of you to begin to edge it's way into the driver's seat by saying it's not worth it, nothing has changed, you will always feel this way, may as well drink if this is all there is...that's textbook AV. Recognizing it for what it is makes it easier to ignore it and continue moving forward.

VikingGF

It feels like it's been years- but you are so right, SoberLeigh. Early times indeed. You all make wonderful sense, and thank you for taking the time to do so.

Please understand I have no desire to drink. I certainly know that is not the answer in any way. It would just stagnate my growth for who knows however long, and I've done that for far too long already. Oh, the time I have wasted. It breaks my heart. I think that's the big issue right now- letting go. I am not a good one at that in any way. Damn scorpio trait. Can't forgive and forget, can't move forward because I'm buried in the past. While I know better, I just don't feel like I know how to change. From reading your posts, it sounds like my recovery is sort of on track, and maybe turning my focus to other outlets more rigorously will help me get past this hump.

Just tired if it all being so hard.

Onward.

SoberLeigh

I think that it is important to learn from the past so as to not repeat our mistakes but it is equally important not to let the mistakes of the past define us or keep us from 'becoming' something better in the future.

Let the past rest.

ccam1973

Viking, congrats on 4 months. I'm only 6 days ahead of you so I can't give any longer term advise. Seems like a lot of great suggestions and experiences that are being shared. I know I'm listening to each one as well.

Stay strong and again great job on 4 months.

SoberLeigh

Congrats on 4 months and 6 days, camcam!!!!

Dee74

Hi VGF

There were times in my first few months that I wondered if this was as good as it got...but I knew the other way I had of doing things did not work, and I also had faith in people here who promised me things would get better and easier.

They really did... and right around the 4 month mark.

You've been through a lot recently...more than a lot of us at 3-4 months. I think you need to factor that in too.

I don't think you're doing badly at all - you're doing brilliantly

Keep the faith
D

soberlicious

Oh good!! I thought you were struggling with the idea of drinking again. I'm so glad I misunderstood!! Hang in there. All of this is normal. Xoxo