VikingGF

AVRT, journaling and SR are my current strategies. I am interested in finding someone with a good amount of sobriety under their belt for face to face support. I have some sober people in my world, I have not yet reached out to them. I will. Day 5 down today. Feeling pretty good thus far. Thanks for the welcome back and the interest!


Lisa

VikingGF

I was supposed to go to see my mother this weekend, a four day trip to celebrate her birthday. She came down with a virus and asked that we postpone, which is fine, but that was my sober plan for the weekend- now I am busy looking for activities which will keep me busy so I can fill those gaps which would usually be filled with wine. Of course, there is plenty to do, so many little tasks I blew off because I would rather be drinking than tackle anyone of them. The tasks that used to feel so daunting to me and would literally stun me to immobility and wine are now each little opportunities for me to heal myself, make myself feel like I AM worth something. So, I'll do one at a time, tic them off a list and give myself some credit for getting them accomplished. It's a beautiful day, also, so I'll have my coffee in the sunshine and appreciate that I am not hungover, or drinking wine out of my cup or obsessing over whenwherehow I will drink. I am astounded at how much free space there is in my head this past week. Only on day 7, and just starting to notice that I feel better, my head is clearer, and I don't feel panicked when I wake up. Staying strong, so far.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Lisa.

JD4010

Mid 50s here. I was high functioning. I'm in week one as well.

Best wishes to you, RP!

VikingGF

Ok, this is not going as I thought. Today I find myself on day 8, which should make me happy and proud, but I have been crying for the past 2 hours. I am soooooo sad. I am lonely, I am tired as hell and I just want to go to sleep. I have no desire whatsoever to drink, however. I seem to be learning that the drinking really wasn't the problem, it was a symptom. Great.

VikingGF

2 weeks. 2 weeks without a drink or much of a desire for a drink. So grateful to be in this place.

Flawed

Awesome, keep going VikingGF!!!!!

Dee74

Way to go on your fortnight Lisa

D

GotGrace

I just read your story, Lisa. We have a lot in common.

Keep up the great work. You know it won't always be easy, but it will always be worth it. And the easier days become more frequent. I hope you keep posting!

Nuudawn

Thank you for this thread Lisa. This contribution, as well as Soberjuly's brave input, was good company for my morning coffee. It's so very nice to feel understood...known. I felt that as I read through this.

Keep on keepin' on..and please keep updating.

VikingGF

Back home after four days with my parents. I told them on the first night that I had stopped drinking, and my mother looked and sounded relieved. My step dad (my own father died from alcoholism when I was young) told me "it did his heart good" to hear that I had stopped. While I thought I always had it under control, I guess I was only fooling myself. I didn't touch a drop the whole time, nor did I have the desire to. My stepdad did have a couple of glasses of wine, and there was wine in the fridge the whole time and all I could think was how in the past I would have been near panic if there was only one bottle in the house while I was there. Of course, I would have had an "acceptable" supply in my car! This time, I didn't even care it was there. I never touched it. Remarkable. It's hard for me to explain how much that just blows my mind. The thing I wanted the most in the world for the past however many years- and I didn't care. (Maybe next time I won't even notice it's there at all!)

I am now driving by my wine shops without even thinking about them. There were days I could NOT make my car go by. I HAD to go in, even if I didn't want to. It is shocking to me that just deciding I cannot drink any more has taken the option of it out of my hands.

It's 18 days, and I certainly know that's not much at all. Having a plan for everything I do where alcohol is involved is key, and that has also been going very well. My friends seem to be getting used to the fact that I do not drink and they have been fine with it. In fact, I am now able to see that most of them don't drink as much as I thought, and almost none of them drink like I did. I keep my journal, I read as much as I can about recovery and strategies to cope with cravings, stress and of course, I spend a good amount of time on this site. I am in the process of improving my diet and exercise regimen, something I completely abandoned when my "sport" of choice became drinking.

I sleep at night. I wake up refreshed and ready for the day. I do my job. And I remember it all the next day. Thank you thank you thank you to all those here who share their experiences, to those who post such supportive comments and to my fellow classmates of July 2014.

I know it may be a long and sometimes bumpy road, but I am happy to be on it. And stronger every day because of it.

Lisa.

Nuudawn

This part of your post reminded me of those many, many mornings where I vowed I would NOT stop for wine on my way home from work...yet I came home with it each and every time. My vehicle just swung into that wine store parking lot with no memory of the morning.

So glad you're hanging in there.

amandaw

You're doing great! Keep posting!

VikingGF

Nuudawn- I would actually argue with myself, out loud, in the car on the way home. "I'm not stopping, not going to drink tonight." Then my AV would say, "Of course you are, who do you think you're talking to?" I'm not a split personality, but boy, did I feel like one! Arguing out loud with myself. Insane.

Angel1555

Viking, better to quit at 48 than 58 like me.

VikingGF

Mindful- Yes, I guess that's true. Although quitting at all is the important part.

Had another good day today and then on my drive home, out of the blue, for the first time I got a huge urge to go get a bottle. It actually surprised me! I haven't really thought of it in so many days. Working hard to figure out the trigger, and come to terms with the fact that nothing is making me drink today.

Lisa.

Altoids

I'm so glad you are here. This is such an amazing thread. Sooo much honestly and I see myself in some of these stories. Sheesh!!! It really is a LOT of work to be a, um, "high functioning" alcoholic. Seriously! With all the time I spent planning and scheming. . .I could have a PHD in something AWESOME!!! LOL!

Yeah, together we can do this. So thankful you are here with us and so thankful I'm here, too.

VikingGF

Thanks, Altoids!! I'm glad you're here, too!

Lisa.

johnnybsober

When I look back at all the things I did, people I hurt,and money and time I wasted, it makes me realize how important it is for me not to pick up another single drink.

Artful

VikingGF
You GOT this!
Peace
Artful

VikingGF

I can't stop counting just yet. The number still matters, and as long as it does, I will count. I at least deserve that.

All day, I wanted a drink. At 7:30 this morning, yes, I said that, I announced to no one in particular, "Today is a drinking day." It was. It felt just like a day when I would start at breakfast, making a joke, to no one in particular, as I poured my breakfast wine, part of me excited and relieved that I would be utterly and completely alone all day to do as I wished (drink) for as long as I wished (until nothing at all was possible) with no repercussions (except for the next day.) The other part of me, albeit a tiny part, would be waving the red flag, knowing this was a mistake and that after a few glasses, I would become unpredictable and irresponsible. Usually, I would stay home the whole day, but if the wine reserve was low, I would make a packy run as early as possible (so I wasn't TOO drunk) to make sure I had enough for the whole day and most of the night. It was a science, my all day drinking. Something light and bubbly for breakfast, low alcohol content so I could function, then moving on to a liter of chardonnay and maybe ending with a bottle of red. Yes, three bottles, one of them a liter, sounds about right. Around 40 bucks worth in one day.

23 days. 23 days of not planning and scheming when to drink or what errands I could run before the daily wine consumption could commence. In fact, a few times I caught myself thinking, yes, yes I CAN go out after dark because I won't be drunk. How about that. I didn't have to fit things into my trip home from work, I could come home, feed the dog, and THEN go back out.

I don't know why I wanted to drink so badly today. The car keys were almost in my hand, after a day of arguing back and forth, with no one in particular, about my ability to just have one, only one and then stop. Not one drink, mind you. One bottle. I had made it to 5 pm. And I was out the door, in my mind, already imagining how it would feel make that now familiar drive to the wine store, walk in the door and nod hello to the merchant, who would most likely be familiar to me, and walk over to the Apothic display (I wanted red today) and pick up one, just one, and place it on the counter as the shame filled me up. As my inner voice spoke, no, screamed at me, don't don't don't do this, put it down, get in your car, drive away and never come back. All the benefits of my efforts for the past 23 days rattled around in my head, my clear, fresh skin, my jeans were loose around my waist, my heart rate normal, my mind mostly clear, my self-esteem returning. Just one. I can have just one.

We all know that simply is not true, but in that moment, I believed it. And I knew I was in trouble. For the first time ever, I reached out. For help. I went into a chat room of complete strangers, I did not say hello, I did not wait to see if I was interrupting a conversation. I laid it all on the line, I was in trouble, I was going to buy a bottle and I said, "Help me." I have never uttered these words with such need in my whole life. And they helped me. Each one stopped whatever they may have been chatting about and they all helped me. I paid close attention to their words, and in a very short time, came to my senses with their guidance. It is apparent I am in the fight for my life, and perhaps I was taking it too lightly. I need to shore up the walls, batten down the hatches, build my reserves. But until I do, it's good to know there are people out there who have no idea of who I am, who will respond and help when I ask.

I will not drink today. Thank you, SR.