VikingGF

So, I am not normal when it comes to alcohol and I never will be and all I can do is not drink it. Period.

This means I have no crutch, no excuse, no out when bad stuff happens and I don't become all I'm supposed to and I disappoint others (or myself) and this scares the life out of me.

There it is right there. I'm afraid.

Della1968

I understand.

Soberwolf

Were here 24/7 VGF if you ever want to talk vent etc you can send a pm bud

courage2

I completely understand, VGF. I have a huge fear of failing to live up to others' expectations -- actually what I perceive to be others' expectations, which are really just weird bs my brain's been pulling on me since childhood. It's a trap for relapse. 1) Make up an (unreal) expectation, 2) try to fulfill it, since it's not real in the first place you never can, 3) drink over your failure. Or my favorite variation, 1) Make up an (unreal) expectation, 2) drink to sabotage it, so that you can go on to the inevitable... 3) drink over your failure.

Sheesh.

Yes, it's scary to go without that comfortable sick safety net. But it's also incredibly freeing.

It's ok to tell other people you're not sure you'll do something as well as you think they expect. It's ok to tell other people that you've made a mistake, and ask for their advice about fixing it. Other people even seem to appreciate this form of communication -- weird, but that's been my experience. You'll get to like it too!

lunar

Hello VGF!
I can relate to what you say.
Don't be scared, hold your head high
and conquer! Fear can undermine
our determination. Face it head-on
and laugh at it. You are much stronger
than your fear.

VikingGF

"Courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to carry on in spite of it."

I just pulled this from my inspirational quotes pile today. Each day, I take one out and post it on my board. This was 5 minutes ago.

Dee74

I understand that you might not see it yet, but I have no doubt that you can become all you're sposed to VGF.

You have the right stuff

D

Mac1

Hi Viking,

You are right about it being scary.

I've been sober now for quite a few months and learnt that no matter how bad things seem, just sweating it out until the next day can bring a great sense of relief and optimism. But there is still that nagging uncertainty as to whether I'm strong enough to keep doing this in the longer term. And thats when I rely on people who have been through it all before - be it here on SR or contacts in AA. To know that other people have felt exactly the same - and still they came through it all.

We spent so long relying on alcohol its no wonder that it seems scary trying to cope with all that life throws at us without it. But hey, whats the alternative? Go back to the hell I inflicted on myself and others when drinking? Now that is a REALLY scary thought!
.

fini

don't know that there's anything i'm "supposed" to be, VGF.
but i do know that being sober widens the possibilities.

and then the crutch thing:This means I have no crutch...
why?
it means you don't have THIS crutch, that's all.
there are others, and i don't think it's in the least inappropriate to use some when we have trouble walking. most people do. they may just not call it crutch.
they might call it talking to a friend. taking a walk. crying. having a bubble bath. running three miles. cup of tea. counselling. weeding the garden. meditating.

dwtbd

Crutches "help", there are good and needful things.
What mindset /perspective would want us to see drinking/drunkness as a good needful thing? Kick that AV back in its box and starve it, you got this.

VikingGF

It's time to stop in on my original thread to just catch it up to where I am in my head. I am in a very, very different place from almost a year ago, my first serious attempt at stopping, July 12, 2014. This past year has been full of learning experiences about myself, as well as many giant strides forward to the me that I'm supposed to be. Each day, I feel closer to who I want to be, and each day I do more, say more and act more in a way that makes me proud and happy. While I did not remain sober for an entire year, the little (and big) failures taught me precious lessons, and finally, I am in a place where I am no longer afraid of dying or failing or drinking. I know with full certainty that I am not giving up anything by putting away my drinking life, I am only gaining time, respect and health. Slowly poisoning myself to death is no longer a viable option, and the freedom from that slow death has awakened my sleeping spirit. No longer do I obsess about drinking, but more importantly, no longer do I obsess about NOT drinking, because it's a non-issue. I'm just done with it, and I can move on to other things. I don't need therapy or a huge amount of self-introspection. I don't have to examine why I drank. All I have to do is not drink, and carry on with my life. The past is the past, and nothing will change what was, but tomorrow is another day and it is all mine to make the best of, no matter what that may be. Drinking fixes nothing, it is a cheap parlor trick that I fell for over and over. No more of that. When it comes into my thoughts, I welcome it, and then I laugh at it, turning the tables on the bully who taunted me for all those years. The "hardest" thing I've ever done is actually the most simple thing ever. My freedom is the most important thing to me, and I will not let it go ever again.

I will never drink again and I will never change my mind.

thomas11

Super news VikingGF, this pretty much sums it up: "turning the tables on the bully who taunted me for all those years". The ball is rolling, keep it up. You should feel proud.

strategery

So awesome to see your journey here VikingGF and your growth! You are getting there and someone I've always looked up to.

Dee74

great stuff VGF

HeartsAfire

Love you, friend.

lunar

Fantastic, VGF!
Your words really sum it up.

DaSilverSurfer

So good to hear that and for you to follow up and let us know how you're doing. Also, for giving hope to those who are just beginning their journey.

pumpkinny

Awesome post, thank you for sharing! Bravo to you!

VikingGF

Ah, this thread. I started it so long ago and I hardly even recognize that person anymore. Every once in awhile, I like to come here, read the WHOLE thread and add an update, both for myself and maybe to help someone else who may be struggling and sees some similarity in my story.

I turned 50 this year. Ugh. It still sounds so unreal to me. But I turned 50 without a drink in my hand, or a need to find one when no one was looking. I turned 50 this year knowing I would turn 51 remembering every day, not risking my life on the road or worse, risking the life of others. I'm in control now, not alcohol. I make the choices, I decide what comes next. I help others, I reach out to people who need help and I no longer feel hopeless and lost. I have dreams, I work towards them. I am there, both mentally and physically for my family and friends when they need me. I answer the phone late at night, I drive to pick people up safely. I text my friends who I know can help me if I need a little support, and I'm not afraid to ask. I relish the bond I have with people, I welcome new friends into my world. No longer to I seek solitude and the bottle. No longer. I remember each moment, and do not have to nod absently to agree or struggle to put the pieces of the night before together. I wake up without regret or fear for my life and health. I empathize with people who I know are going through the struggle and gently reach out to them. I breathe. I feel. I move. I live.

It has taken me a long time to get to this place, and yes, there are still struggles. But I have my supports in place and I know when and how to use the tools in my toolbox to keep me safe, sober and as happy as I can be. Is life perfect? Nope. Is life good? Yup.

I still credit this very place for my current, ongoing sobriety. It was where I came when I just didn't know what to do any longer- and while I don't come here much anymore, I know it's here, and I have friendships here that I hope endure a long, long time. I am grateful and have found peace with my past, and wish the same to all who come here.

strategery

Happy 50th birthday VikingGF! It's awesome to see how far you've come and you should be very proud! I miss you and think of you often.