Me.
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I have really enjoyed reading your thread. I am on day 3 now and it just helps to hear that others are going through nearly the same exact struggles as I have from quitting. It is insane how ethanol can take over our thoughts like this! All it is, is 2 atoms of carbon and one atom of oxygen (with hydrogen) but it has capability to bring out the worst in us, make us selfish, destroy all/most chances of respect and happiness, then ultimately kills us lonely and exhausted... it's crazy. Much love and keep up the great work!!
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Originally Posted by SoberComposer 
I have really enjoyed reading your thread. I am on day 3 now and it just helps to hear that others are going through nearly the same exact struggles as I have from quitting. It is insane how ethanol can take over our thoughts like this! All it is, is 2 atoms of carbon and one atom of oxygen (with hydrogen) but it has capability to bring out the worst in us, make us selfish, destroy all/most chances of respect and happiness, then ultimately kills us lonely and exhausted... it's crazy. Much love and keep up the great work!!
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Day 26. I really can't remember a stretch of not drinking (I'm not sure I should use sobriety yet, based on my reading) this long!
Had a couple of days that were a little rough, but good one today- I was busy, busy, busy. Ah... I get it.....
Had a couple of days that were a little rough, but good one today- I was busy, busy, busy. Ah... I get it.....
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Today I found myself standing in my regular liquor store. The past day and a half has been consumed with thoughts of drinking and at 5pm I couldn't take it anymore. I got in the car and drove to the shop. Arguing with myself the whole way, trying so hard to think of the one thought that would make me go home and stay there, no wine in hand. Nothing worked. Every reasonable thought was countered by "but I want to. I want to drink." I knew what I wanted and I knew where it was. I went in, and walked right up to the rack. None. I looked around for it. None. Now a voice in my head was screaming at me to leave. To just walk out and not come back. I actually heard myself say out loud (at this point, I felt a little like I was outside myself) "You are free, you are still free. Tomorrow you could be a slave again, but right now, you are still free." As I turned to go, the clerk, who knows me by name, asked me if I was looking for anything special, and I told him. He said, "Sorry, we are all out. But I have something to taste, do you want to try it?" With panic in my chest, which surprised me, I said, no, no thanks, and I hit the door, thanking him over my shoulder. He must think I'm insane- never have I turned down a tasting nor have I ever left empty handed.
I honestly felt like someone else had control of my body for a little while there, and the argument in my head was so real, I could hear both sides so clearly. It's my AV, and maybe it's starting to feel like this sober thing is real, so it's been trying harder the past few days to get my attention. I was so desperate that I actually thought "I need help." And that bottle was not there. It's ALWAYS there. Always. The one thing I wanted was not there. I took it as a sign. I asked for help and I got help. Higher Power, angel on my shoulder, ghost of my dead dog, delay on the freeway for the delivery truck, I don't care. So grateful. I'm not a praying person, but believe me, I said thank you. Who knows when I might have come out of that bottle. Or if.
I know I need more tools in my toolbox to deal with this challenge that I have taken up. My AV is wiley and watchful. I expect it will always be so.
I will not drink today.
Lisa.
I honestly felt like someone else had control of my body for a little while there, and the argument in my head was so real, I could hear both sides so clearly. It's my AV, and maybe it's starting to feel like this sober thing is real, so it's been trying harder the past few days to get my attention. I was so desperate that I actually thought "I need help." And that bottle was not there. It's ALWAYS there. Always. The one thing I wanted was not there. I took it as a sign. I asked for help and I got help. Higher Power, angel on my shoulder, ghost of my dead dog, delay on the freeway for the delivery truck, I don't care. So grateful. I'm not a praying person, but believe me, I said thank you. Who knows when I might have come out of that bottle. Or if.
I know I need more tools in my toolbox to deal with this challenge that I have taken up. My AV is wiley and watchful. I expect it will always be so.
I will not drink today.
Lisa.
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Location: Ireland
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A close call Lisa, but great job on pushing through!! 
Getting a second opinion compared to your AV is always a good way forward, just to check out the options, when AV says it may be a good idea to have a drink, there may be a few folks here on SR with another viewpoint!!
Getting a second opinion compared to your AV is always a good way forward, just to check out the options, when AV says it may be a good idea to have a drink, there may be a few folks here on SR with another viewpoint!!
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Thanks, Purple-
I know this is the place to come, but I was all, Oh, I can handle this myself and then it was just too late. I was going and that was it. But I guess it really wasn't! I still have so much trouble with the asking for help part, really need to get over that. I called my friend, who has been sober forever, but she wasn't around, so I just was like, oh, just do it, you're going to do it anyway. The foremost thought in my mind eventually became how bad I would feel about myself tomorrow.
Thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement.
Lisa.
I know this is the place to come, but I was all, Oh, I can handle this myself and then it was just too late. I was going and that was it. But I guess it really wasn't! I still have so much trouble with the asking for help part, really need to get over that. I called my friend, who has been sober forever, but she wasn't around, so I just was like, oh, just do it, you're going to do it anyway. The foremost thought in my mind eventually became how bad I would feel about myself tomorrow.
Thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement.
Lisa.
Join Date: Aug 2011
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Every reasonable thought was countered by "but I want to. I want to drink."
Your experience is described as "vertigo" within the Rational Recovery method. Have you ever read about that method?
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so I just was like, oh, just do it, you're going to do it anyway.
Lisa, hi, i just read your thread; good to see you here not drinking today.
that line up above...yeah, that one got me many times. telling myself i might as well do it NOW because i would do it anyway. but your very own story there shows that kind of fatalism is BS.
since i just read your thread what's fresh in my mind is the last time you had such a strong-urge day, when you finally did something you'd never done before: asking strangers/others for help. the chatroom.
and i wondered what was different this time that you didn't use that option when last time you did and it worked out well for you. any idea?
Lisa, hi, i just read your thread; good to see you here not drinking today.
that line up above...yeah, that one got me many times. telling myself i might as well do it NOW because i would do it anyway. but your very own story there shows that kind of fatalism is BS.
since i just read your thread what's fresh in my mind is the last time you had such a strong-urge day, when you finally did something you'd never done before: asking strangers/others for help. the chatroom.
and i wondered what was different this time that you didn't use that option when last time you did and it worked out well for you. any idea?
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Originally Posted by fini
since i just read your thread what's fresh in my mind is the last time you had such a strong-urge day, when you finally did something you'd never done before: asking strangers/others for help. the chatroom.
and i wondered what was different this time that you didn't use that option when last time you did and it worked out well for you. any idea?
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Originally Posted by soberlicious
You were hijacked and your addiction took control of the pronouns. It disguised itself as you. *you* actually didn't want to drink, *it* did.
Your experience is described as "vertigo" within the Rational Recovery method. Have you ever read about that method?
Your experience is described as "vertigo" within the Rational Recovery method. Have you ever read about that method?
It was eerie how it all felt- it really did feel like a hijacking of... me.
Join Date: Aug 2011
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P. 156
What's cool is that the author says once you recognize you are in the throes of vertigo, it's time to think aggressively about your situation.
That's exactly what you did. You're amazing.
It gets easier. I haven't had a vertigo episode in many years. If I did, I would look it in the eye and say "I see you, you dumb b*tch".
Keep on keepin on. You're stronger and smarter than you realize.
What's cool is that the author says once you recognize you are in the throes of vertigo, it's time to think aggressively about your situation.
That's exactly what you did. You're amazing.
It gets easier. I haven't had a vertigo episode in many years. If I did, I would look it in the eye and say "I see you, you dumb b*tch".
Keep on keepin on. You're stronger and smarter than you realize.
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Originally Posted by soberlicious
P. 156
What's cool is that the author says once you recognize you are in the throes of vertigo, it's time to think aggressively about your situation.
That's exactly what you did. You're amazing.
It gets easier. I haven't had a vertigo episode in many years. If I did, I would look it in the eye and say "I see you, you dumb b*tch".
Keep on keepin on. You're stronger and smarter than you realize.
What's cool is that the author says once you recognize you are in the throes of vertigo, it's time to think aggressively about your situation.
That's exactly what you did. You're amazing.
It gets easier. I haven't had a vertigo episode in many years. If I did, I would look it in the eye and say "I see you, you dumb b*tch".
Keep on keepin on. You're stronger and smarter than you realize.
I have the RR book with me right now. It's my new BFF. Ok, just read page 156. That's EXACTLY what I did!!! My own voice was my siren. Go me. GO ME! I'm allowed to say that, right???
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I think I'm expecting to be better at this too soon- I feel I should be able to do it on my own.
took me quite a while to let go of expectations, very determined expectations no less, of where and how i should be at what point.
it just led to berating of myself and other negativities.
things got easier and more reasonable when i just accepted wherever i'm at with this thing.
GO ME! I'm allowed to say that, right???
you BET!
took me quite a while to let go of expectations, very determined expectations no less, of where and how i should be at what point.
it just led to berating of myself and other negativities.
things got easier and more reasonable when i just accepted wherever i'm at with this thing.
GO ME! I'm allowed to say that, right???
you BET!
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I'm sorry if anyone is getting tired of this thread popping up now and again, I like keeping everything together and documenting my little journey in one spot.
Not too much to add right now, but am having a great time in general. Accomplishing more, spending real time with people and continuing to add to my toolbox when the dark days hit. And they do come. Recently I have been dealing with extremely disturbing episodes of flighty memory. To the extent of putting something down and forgetting in the next minute where it is. Today is fine, but two days ago I was almost in tears and convinced I had a brain tumor or the early onset of dementia. (I'm a healthcare worker. Too much knowledge! Not enough knowledge!) Did some online research and found that I may be experiencing some PAWS. I do have an MD appt coming up and I will be coming clean with my history and my recent sobriety date. Glad to feel pretty normal today, tho.
I've had friends chide me here and there about quitting, but I think they are more uncomfortable with the role of alcohol in their lives than in mine. There are more friends who fully support me (and I continue to think they may be waiting for me to come back to the dark side--- but I will not....) I still go out, I still sit at the bar with friends who drink and I am perfectly happy to sip my fizzy water. I don't stay as long as I used to, and I really enjoy the drive home. I hope that feeling never changes. It is why I enjoy going out so much, I think. I am also adding sober *gasp* activities to my social routine. I was one of those people who would actually say, "Well, if there is a drink involved, I'm in! Otherwise, forget it."
My mother says she notices a big change in me, and she tells me she is very proud of me. More importantly, I remain proud of myself. I have not felt pride in a long, long time.
So, still here, still sober. Still endlessly grateful to the many kind, compassionate, wise people here at SR who help me every dang day.
Keep on keepin' on!
Lisa.
Not too much to add right now, but am having a great time in general. Accomplishing more, spending real time with people and continuing to add to my toolbox when the dark days hit. And they do come. Recently I have been dealing with extremely disturbing episodes of flighty memory. To the extent of putting something down and forgetting in the next minute where it is. Today is fine, but two days ago I was almost in tears and convinced I had a brain tumor or the early onset of dementia. (I'm a healthcare worker. Too much knowledge! Not enough knowledge!) Did some online research and found that I may be experiencing some PAWS. I do have an MD appt coming up and I will be coming clean with my history and my recent sobriety date. Glad to feel pretty normal today, tho.
I've had friends chide me here and there about quitting, but I think they are more uncomfortable with the role of alcohol in their lives than in mine. There are more friends who fully support me (and I continue to think they may be waiting for me to come back to the dark side--- but I will not....) I still go out, I still sit at the bar with friends who drink and I am perfectly happy to sip my fizzy water. I don't stay as long as I used to, and I really enjoy the drive home. I hope that feeling never changes. It is why I enjoy going out so much, I think. I am also adding sober *gasp* activities to my social routine. I was one of those people who would actually say, "Well, if there is a drink involved, I'm in! Otherwise, forget it."
My mother says she notices a big change in me, and she tells me she is very proud of me. More importantly, I remain proud of myself. I have not felt pride in a long, long time.
So, still here, still sober. Still endlessly grateful to the many kind, compassionate, wise people here at SR who help me every dang day.
Keep on keepin' on!
Lisa.
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Wow, you sound so much like me. Your original post and everything you said after. I did the "will I or won't I drink today/split personality/closet drinker" thing for YEARS. I have been sober since November 18th of last year, and looking back, all I can say is that I finally had to be really, really ready, then I had to take uncomfortable steps to create accountability for myself (like telling my closest friends about my secret problem so I knew I couldn't slip anymore and would have to tell them if I drank alone). You can TOTALLY do this! It does get easier over time, but I never believed that until I experienced it myself. I realized I was letting my AV tell me "it's never going to get easier, so just drink anyway", so don't believe it when you hear that.
Keep counting your days and celebrating your success as long as you want to! That has helped me stay motivated too.
Good luck and I hope you keep posting!
Keep counting your days and celebrating your success as long as you want to! That has helped me stay motivated too.
Good luck and I hope you keep posting!
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Originally Posted by VikingGF
I am a 46 year old woman. I have a very good job AND my own small business, my own house, good friends, an ex-husband who I have a very good relationship with and an amazing dog. From the outside, it doesn't look so bad, even to me. On the inside, I know this: drinking cost me my marriage, keeps me from being the best I can be and is genetically imprinted in my genes. My father died from drinking and smoking, and my mom is in active recovery from prescription drugs. In fact, this website saved me many years ago when I came here (under another name) to the Narc-Anon threads. And now I find myself coming here for me. While I have been a "heavy drinker" for years it was only a few months ago that a switch flipped, and all the sudden, I couldn't hold my wine (drink of choice) and found that I was blacking out early and often. Still, I didn't stop. Waking up the next morning and wondering how the car found it's way home to the garage started to scare the cr*p out of me. And still, I didn't stop. I didn't stop. That still blows my mind. I would go to work hungover so often, I thought that was just how I felt on a regular basis. Friends would talk to me about something and I'd have no idea what they were talking about, and would just nod my head in agreement. Yup, whatever. Inside, I was panicking. Outside, well, I was heading to the wine store for another night's supply. The thought of not going was not even a possibility. It was what I DID. It was who I WAS. Every morning I would play the wake up game- what did I do, who did I talk to, what did I say. I had gotten very good at not contacting people after a couple glasses, never MOM, ever, the few close friends maybe had me figured out, never, and the oblivious ones, well, they honestly never knew. In fact, most people say to me, regularly, "Oh, you were drunk? I couldn't tell at all." Unfortunately, my capacity to hold large amounts of alcohol and appear fine was a curse that has been with me for a long time. No one can save me if they don't know I need saving. But then again, we can only save ourselves. Which is what I have decided to do. I stopped Dec. 7th. I did slip up, for a day each time, three times. Not to drunken stupidness, but that is inconsequential. I am not sure why I slipped. However, I am dedicated to this journey, and have forgiven myself for that. I'll admit I'm scared to death. I am afraid I'm not really ready, deep inside, and that stupid little voice is going to convince me, yet again, that I'm really just fine and can drink "normally." I have no idea if I am strong enough to expel the demon from my life. But I do know that I have to try harder than I've ever tried anything, or I am going to lose everything. Thanks for listening.
Lisa.
Lisa.
Seriously proud right now you can do this
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Originally Posted by colagirl
Wow, you sound so much like me. Your original post and everything you said after. I did the "will I or won't I drink today/split personality/closet drinker" thing for YEARS. I have been sober since November 18th of last year, and looking back, all I can say is that I finally had to be really, really ready, then I had to take uncomfortable steps to create accountability for myself (like telling my closest friends about my secret problem so I knew I couldn't slip anymore and would have to tell them if I drank alone). You can TOTALLY do this! It does get easier over time, but I never believed that until I experienced it myself. I realized I was letting my AV tell me "it's never going to get easier, so just drink anyway", so don't believe it when you hear that.
Keep counting your days and celebrating your success as long as you want to! That has helped me stay motivated too.
Good luck and I hope you keep posting!
Keep counting your days and celebrating your success as long as you want to! That has helped me stay motivated too.
Good luck and I hope you keep posting!
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