Fandy

how about a hot bowl of chicken soup with a dash of pepper to open up your nose?

feel better and get some rest.

munchkin05

Today I hit three weeks sober. Pretty cool.
This morning it started to snow as I drove back from dropping my son off at the daycare where the school bus picks him up. Snow to me is ALWAYS a good omen, so I said a thanks for the three week anniversary present.
Today my hubby went off for a school that will last a while and today I have the entire day off.
First, I'm drinking my breakfast shake from GNC, next I will go upstairs and meditate for 15 minutes, and then off to the gym.
I have a normal therapist appointment and then this afternoon, my first meeting with the ASAP therapist.
A long time ago, when I went through my knee surgeries I started discovering myself. Who I really was. I was going to the gym and water aerobics all the time, I had time to myself, I had time to think. That was approximately 15 years ago. Since moving here to Maryland, in between my abusive coworkers and then the abuse of alcohol, well I barely know who I am anymore, which saddens me. Still though, I know I can start to pick up the pieces and get moving again because at least now I'm sober.
Now that alcohol is no longer clouding my mind and destroying my body I think it's time to get back to that journey of rediscovery.
It's time to start getting my butt back to the gym. I have the normal reasons like anyone else (lower my blood pressure, lose some weight, fit into my skinny jeans, fit into my lovely hand embroidered Mexican cotton vest and skirt that I purchased so long ago, look good, etc etc) but also I am going on a cruise in May with my hubby and son. I'm really looking forward to this!
I have to admit, it'll be a bit of a challenge since in the past as soon as we got on the ship we would order one of those foo foo drinks that all the waiters are running around with. But that said we're also thinking of how much money we'll end up saving with not drinking alcohol! Our bar tab tends to run near $300 to $400 after 7 days of sailing so we'll be saving all that money. Nice.

So anyhoo, cold is almost gone (YEAH!). I'm hoping the massage and all that I'm getting today helps a bit with my immune system getting rid of it all.
I'm having a dumping party today since hubby didn't drink all the Kahlua and Peach schnapps. Can't really stand that stuff (too sweet! BLAH!) but don't want it in the house so....
I've got some ironing to do, another glass of water to drink, and workout to do so gotta run. Pretty cool being sober.

huntress

CONGRATS on three weeks, munchkin!

Feel better soon.

d

munchkin05

So today I had my meeting with the Army Substance Abuse Program counselor. Went well but I ran out of what to say a lot.
Didn't quite know what to say really. I mean, yes I said "Hi, I'm Munchkin and yes, I'm an alcoholic". but beyond that I was stuck.
Instead I gave a run down on my history or "drinking career" if you will and then gave a few updates on how I'm doing. I have my next follow up appointment in 2 weeks from now because the therapist felt I didn't really have to meet with her each week.
I must say this, I've had a wicked headache all day long brought on by lack of sleep I think. I almost started snoring at my massage and facial appointment today which would've really embarrassed me.
The cold feels like it is departing so that's good!
Tonight I'm making a chef salad for son and me, some bread, maybe I'll brew a pot of tea and then it's early to bed for both of us. I'm done in. Got nothing left.

Dee74

Glad you got the ball rolling tho Munchkin - good stuff!

D

munchkin05

Thanks to this cold that I'm almost over with I woke up this morning feeling HUNGOVER!
JEEZ! I cannot tell you the frustration, the anger, the annoyance I felt when I woke up with a massive migraine, feeling nauseated, feeling dizzy, all the feelings of a hangover and yet I did not drink last night. As it stands I currently feel as if my entire head is swollen or at least stuffed to the max with cotton. I'm not exactly stuffy but I'm just swollen everywhere. My eyes are puffy, sinuses hurt, and I just feel tired all over. Last night I slept here and there but I was constantly woken by the migraine that followed me into my sleep. The headache has been a constant since about Monday afternoon after my dentist appointment.
So go figure, I quit drinking, I'm sober now for 3 weeks and NOW I feel miserable.
Still though, I'll keep on trucking. Like the saying goes, "This too shall pass" or maybe the other one I like applies to this situation as well. "Into each life some rain must fall".
Sooner or later I'll be rid of this cold (most likely just in time to catch the next one from my son) and then I can move on.

So anyways, something I failed to mention yesterday. I have homework from my therapist I've been seeing for since about 3 weeks ago. She sent me home with a whole packet on ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) that I am supposed to read through and then make whatever notes I feel I need to add and then we are to discuss my feelings on this at next weeks appointment.
The ASAP counselor also kind of touched on this issue but I told her I'm not quite certain I feel ready to tackle the issues I feel about my Mom and her alcoholism.
I think my therapist may feel like I have anger, resentment or other issues I need to deal with. Maybe? Don't know.
Well no, actually I KNOW I am angry at my Mom. For so many reasons, actually. I have a feeling it's going to take me working through this, fully acknowleding my anger, the reasons for it and all before I can move on.
In the meantime however I will continue to first and foremost

• Get myself healthy again(aka get rid of this stupid cold and do my best to avoid future ones!)
• Start working the 12 Steps
• Get myself to some AA meetings(even if I have to bring my son along for the ride!)
• Continue to see my therapist and the ASAP counselor

Now, I'm going to borrow yet another idea from a friend here (thanks huntress!). This is the list of things I want to accomplish from my new sober life.

• Start bicycling
• Start writing again. I was so good at this! I was once published on the Travel Channel! I did it once, I can do it again!
• Get better at baking again. I used to have the time and patience for that. When baking under the influence I lost all patience for baking a cheesecake, a normal cake, or even just cupcakes! I want to get back to where I used to be(skill level)
• Once I move back to Alaska take up hiking and photography again. Maryland scares me too much to hike during the summer. Go figure. Moose and Bears don't scare me but ticks, spiders and snakes sure do!

You know, I'm sure this list will change and grow in time as I change and grow but that's good since the past 7 years or so I've been in an arrested state of emotional and personal development, all thanks to alcohol.

munchkin05

Yes I'm here. Still sober. Still awake. And I still have a headache. I think it stems from sinus issues because so much of the pain is surrounding my nose, forehead and well just my face!
So I'm not going to ramble on and on like I did yesterday. Yesterday I somewhat had a point to make but I couldn't get my brain to really get moving.
I'll wait till this friggin fog clears till I try any deep or meditative thinking.
Just know, I'm still here. Trudging along, making whatever progress I can.
Oh and good news! I have an appointment tomorrow with my acupuncturist. Hopefully that will help me get rid of this pain, once and for all!!!
Then on the 21st there is a Mind, Body & Spirit Festival that I would love to go to but I've got my son and it would be kind of tough to go to such an event with a 6 year old.

munchkin05

Last night some were privy to the unfolding of events in my life.
I finally emailed my Dad last night and told him:
It goes on from there but with a lot more personal info that was tougher to edit out.
I think that it was harder to tell my Dad then it was to tell my therapist, my husband or my doctor! I was always the child that excelled at most everything. The smart one, the one who always made friends easily, who fit in easily, who never argued with Mom & Dad, who always made them proud. To this day I actually feel bad for my brother because my parents always told him "why can't you be like your sister!?"
So it was tough to actually come out and say "my God, I'm sorry, but I'm not really that strong, successful, or whatever"
I have yet to get an answer back from my Dad. I feel like I will probably get one sooner or later though.

Lately I feel as if I'm walking in a dream like state. Like my time drinking was when I was awake and now I'm constantly dreaming, and not good dreams.
Well no, that's not accurate. There has been one good part lately. All of the friendships I have made here.
Being a military wife and then also a military brat to boot has made friendship a thing that I don't really know much of. When I was a child I lived in Maryland for 12 years and then from that point we started moving every three years. Married my hubby and moved almost every three years again.
I'm used to being on my own. Having to be strong, tough, suck it up when hubby deploys. Having to rely only on myself because to lean on someone was weak.
So it amazes me when I find others here who send me virtual hugs, way to go's or applause. I'm so not used to it and each day I see it I'm so very grateful. Without my friends here I know this would be even more difficult than it already is. I know without many here I would've succumbed and fixed myself a martini, or just a straight vodka on the rocks.

I love you guys.

munchkin05

What a night!
Yesterday I came clean to my doctor and my acupuncturist. The day before my Dad.
I knew I had to come out to my doctor and my acupuncturist because, I mean come on, these guys are responsible for helping me in health matters. I'm doing myself no favors by not telling them, as hard as it may be.
As it stands, later on, as I started recalling again as I told each one, I remembered seeing that "AH HA!" look on each of their faces. Obviously both my acupuncturist and my doctor were confused in the past because I exhibited so many unhealthy signs and yet supposedly I didn't drink hardly at all, I didn't smoke, etc. They couldn't figure out why my pulse raced, why I was over weight, why my blood pressure was so high, etc etc.
So they both changed their plans for me and both treated me for some of the issues that recovering alcoholics have to deal with.
After my acupuncture appointment I was feeling pretty energetic so I decided to go to the gym and pool with my son. We had such a blast!
Came home, fixed and ate dinner, and then suddenly just started feeling miserable. Nauseated. Sick.
Woke up at midnight throwing up, woke up throughout the night due to my stomach cramping and just feeling miserable. Got up this morning due to being sick the OTHER way!
I think it was the sushi I ate yesterday.
So no gym for me and son today. I don't even know if I'll be able to eat anything. We'll see.
Yesterday I booked for my son and I, space at a Mind, Body and Spirit Festival that's happening at a local college here. Not certain if my son will have fun but it looks interesting. My acupuncturist highly recommended it to me. She says I need to work on my spiritual self because she feels like I'm am blocked.
Yeah, probably because I was putting my spiritual self to sleep with spirits. LOL
So, today son and I are taking it easy other than the fact that I have laundry to do, a bed to remake (since I got sick, yuck!) and my cat got sick AGAIN behind a table that is really hard to reach. As much as I love my almost 18 year old cat I think I'm ready to say goodbye. Each day she either throws up or has diarrhea. I think her quality of life is taking a turn downward.
Oh, a plus to being so sick. I lost 2 pounds. Nice.

Dee74

hope you feel better soon Munchkin

D

munchkin05

FINALLY one good night of sleep!!! Drug free(by drug free I mean Tylenol PM, Motrin, and regular Tylenol)!

It felt so good to wake up with a somewhat great night of sleep!
Plus my stomach isn't bothering me as much now. I can tell it's still a bit irritated but that'll pass.
Since my stomach is still a bit irritated though, my son and I are skipping out on the gym and pool and instead I promised him we'll go to Wallyworld and buy him a toy. (I have to run and grab some things anyways)

You know, I was just watching videos of theme parks we're going to visit this summer. We love to visit Busch Gardens Williamsburg each year and this year we're going to add Kings Dominion to our list.
As I was watching the videos with my son and describing some of the videos to my husband on the phone I was hit with this feel of gratitude that I'm actually SOBER when watching these!
I always used to watch these with my son when I was pretty buzzed. Odd because when I go to theme parks that serve beer I can't stand the thought of drinking while at the park. Something about roller coasters and beer do not mix with me. UGGHH!
In fact I just realized, when I visit a theme park I'm never interested in drinking later when I get back to our hotel room. Weird. Don't know why.
At the end of the day after visiting a theme park I'm tired, worn out, but really happy and I feel as if the weight of the world is off my shoulders. Its as if I've traveled back in time somehow and I'm a kid again.
Maybe I've gone through "screaming therapy"

munchkin05

Found a neat quote by the way in Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife.
"What I do today is important because I'm exchanging a day of my life for it"

ARTEMIS

Good Morning My Friend-

I saw a headline on the news that Cordova Alaska got 18 FEET of snow.
Made me think of you.

Have a great day!!

munchkin05

OOOHHH I'm so jealous!!! We have had a VERY small dusting here that, while it made my son and my day, wasn't substantial enough to do much. Just looked pretty in the morning.
That's okay. Less than two years and I'm back!!

munchkin05

Whole lotta good stuff going on!

Woke up at 430am this morning which wasn't nice but I woke up without an upset tummy which WAS nice!
I ended up reading for about an hour from Diary of an Alcholic Housewife and then realized it was almost 6am. Ca, ca.
So I sat on my zabuton to hopefully meditate for at least 10 minutes but my cat decided she really needed some one on one time with me so every 30 seconds I would hear a "meow" and then I would feel whiskers touching my face as she tried to reach my face with hers.
Okay, so meditation was out. My cat wanted it known that no way was she going to allow me to do something as crazy as sit on a pillow and ignore her!
Instead, I got myself up, ran downstairs, turned the heater on, got my tea started in the teapot, etc etc etc. (the normal rat race that occurs each morning. Thankfully I'm a bit faster now that I am not recovering daily from a hangover!)
Upon arriving to work I got numerous things done. Appointments reconfirmed, sick leave requested, leave without pay requested, appointments rescheduled, yada yada yada. Got to talk to my ASAP counselor which I didn't plan on. Heck I was just rechecking my appointment time but she wanted to check with me to see how I was doing. I told her the whole saga with my parents, how I'm doing, the food poisoning episode this weekend, the whole coming out thing, blah blah blah.

Next thing, I sit down at my desk, look at my phone and "voila!" an email from my Dad. Readers digest version. "It is what it is, now what do you plan to do about it". Nice. Dad has obviously come to acceptance that his daughter who can do no wrong is what she says she is. A recovering alcholic.
Hey, at least I can say I'm a RECOVERING alcoholic!
I'm not an active one anymore nor will I be.
I will not continue down the path of an active alcoholic and I will not teach my son these behaviours. I will instead teach him that he really should abstain because this hereditary trait does run in his family.
Of course I cannot control what he does when he turns 18 but I as I've said to others in the past, I can raise him the best I can and hope he makes good decisions in the future.

So anyhoo(sorry got off on a tangent somewhat there!), tonight my son and I will be going to the gym again (WOOHOO!) and then I can finish watching the movie "Clean and Sober" with Michael Keaton in.
You know, if my parents watched this when I was a kid I can understand why they would have this really NEGATIVE opinion on anyone in recovery from addiction!
This movie really portrays how addicts were treated in recovery and how people were treated during the late 70's and 80's. YUCK!
I mean I wouldn't say that now a days we're all treated with no prejudice but still.....
You know, that leads me to another train of thought. I've mentioned that I'm reading "Diary of an Alcoholic Housewife" (review to follow shortly when I've finished it!). I'm almost grateful that I haven't developed friendships here in Maryland! If I had I probably would've developed friendships that relied on drinking a whole lot! So it is a bit easier for me because it's not as if I'm being cut off from my friends because I'm not drinking anymore. That being said, I've come to realize I really need to make some friendships with other women that are NOT online. As much as I love you guys all here I know I need some other interaction with other people, face to face. I need to stop being such a homebody and interact more with people.
Whether it's friendships that I strike up with people at the gym, or come March maybe when I start meeting with other women here on post that are also recovering addicts. It doesn't matter how but I really need to strike up some friendships.
I had a satori this morning.
Life is what I make of it.
I can choose to be all depressed, sad, angry that I'm in a place that seems hostile to me filled with allergens that make it hard for me to go outside, filled with people who all seem angry or upset that I'm even here!
OR
I can choose to ignore it all, work on me, make friends somehow or another, keep going to the gym, and move past the whole pity party. And be happy.
Life is what I make it.
So I intend on making it much different than what it has been as of late!

munchkin05

I'm still here. Still trudging along.
Went to the gym last night with my son, had a good time but since traffic was so horrible I only got a 15 minute workout in along with 15 minutes in the pool. My son was really upset to have to leave so soon after we just got there.
I may try to leave a tad bit early today so I can get more time in.
Got another email from my Dad yesterday. Actually quite a few.
Readers digest version. It is what it is, what is your plan to deal with it?
Good stuff. Moving forward is always a plus.

I spoke to my parents on the phone last night which was hysterical.
They were OVERLY supportive, gushing "oh that sounds wonderful honey!" or "oh that is terrible sweetheart!". As if I was going to relapse because they talked to me normally. sigh.
Oh well.
Well I'm off to confront my boss. Yesterday she pointed me out to everyone because I wear athletic shoes(doctors orders) to work because I have plantar faciitis. She pointed out she does not agree with it, that it's not right, it doesn't look professional, yada yada yada.
It got me really pissed off that she singled me out like that for something that is a medical issue.

munchkin05

Good day yesterday. Worked for 6 hours, was honest with my boss and told her she really upset me with the nasty remark about my tennis shoes (I have to wear athletic shoes because I have plantar faciitis)then got off leave without pay, got the fixings together for dinner.
Picked up my son at the daycare when the school bus dropped him off.
Went to the gym, got a good hour workout in. Talked to a personal trainer that has trained me before.
This lady is awesome! I'd say she's about 30 years my senior, she has 6 grandkids and comes up to my nose.
She previously HAS ROYALLY KICKED MY BUTT ON THE GYM FLOOR!
Well anyways, spoke to her, let her know all that is going on. Get this! She offered me some free sessions with her. We agreed twice a month would be awesome!
OMG! So freakin awesome! This lady charges $200 a session and I'm getting some for free!
The thing I love about the gym I go to (even though it's a friggin 20 minute drive without traffic and 35 to 45 minute drive WITH traffic) is that the energy there is so great! Plus I love the fact that I get to work with the trainer now!
Today I'm a bit sore but nothing like I would be if my trainer had at me.
I'm hoping to start taking part in some of the classes they offer to build up some friendships with other women there.
In the area where I live and work, people are very toxic. Very unhealthy. Everyone smokes, overweight, yada yada yada. I'd like to make some friends with people that don't drink, don't smoke, aren't overweight, etc etc.
The gym would be a good place to start.

You know, I've been thinking more and more of times during my drinking life. Thinking back to many of the times when I used to drink. Some memories are nice ones, a lot of them are bad. Is that normal, I wonder at this point in my sobriety, to think back to the times when I used to drink?
I feel I'm entering the "pink cloud" stage. I'm entering that time period when I think "did I REALLY have a problem with drinking? I mean after all, here I'm almost a month sober, I'm feeling pretty good, etc etc" But you know, I'm fully awake now with eyes wide open. So I tell myself "yup, you had a problem, yes you still have a problem and that problem will never go away, so no". I will not be drinking today. I will not be drinking tomorrow. Or the day after that.

munchkin05

7

Last night I almost succumbed.
It boiled down to my Mom actually accusing me of accepting $3000 from my Dad (or at least part of it) before they moved.
Now my Dad has given me money in the past when we've visited with them but it was always when he was working and it was a $100 here or $50 there.
So last night Mom started asking me because Dad was out golfing at the time and when I said "no, Dad never gave me any money before you all left" she more or less made it known that she thinks that I did accept the money and that I was lying.
Okay, yeah, whatever.
I'm actually thinking of emailing my Dad and letting him know but I think that'll just pour fuel on the fire. A fire I would prefer to let go out. Because I was pretty well on fire last night.
It made resisting a drink VERY hard.
But I did it.
It took a large bag of Peanut M&M's, 1 espresso, 2 cans of ginger ale, and about 2 hours of playing Plants vs Zombies with my son for me to forget and move on.
Thank God. That too DID pass and it passed with me remaining sober.
So today, in lieu of my coin, I plan to treat myself to a pedicure.
That is if I can get off a bit early. Also, I've promised my son I'll pick him up at school instead of letting him ride the bus to the daycare. That way we can go to the gym again tonight for 2 hours.
My therapist cancelled todayso I've got my afternoon open. I plan to fill it with positive things to celebrate my 30 days of sobriety.
Here's to another 30!

munchkin05

Not much to report today. Went to the gym last night. Stayed there for 2 1/2 hours. Lost a bit more weight.
Tonight I'm taking a night off from the gym just to catch up on housework (which is always more dangerous as temptation lurks at home in the evenings)
Tomorrow I've promised to bring a coworker to Whole Foods.

Here's a rant that I thought about this morning.
Why is it that someone who is in recovery from drugs or alcohol is prejudiced against but someone who drinks to excess is considered okay?
Why is it that once a person admits "I have a problem" then people have a problem with that?
Something to chew over.

MentalLoop

Not sure i agree with the conclusion of your post #99 on this thread, although my guess is you will say that somebody took issue just recently. Is it possible it is in your head? I have found that everybody i have admitted the problem to, has been nothing but supportive. In fact, a step further, they treat it like it "ain't no thing". So much so that i find myself questioning whether i had to tell them in the first place, because every time i decline a drink, nobody bats an eye (I guess i did have one guy say to me on Christmas when i declined an evening drink that "i guess after the whole day I would want to slow it down too", but he didn't). I also have found that none of my friends discriminate against the ugly drunk. Whether they are an alcoholic or not, if they get ugly, they get shunned.

One point you are probably right about: If two people were getting tight, one an alcoholic and the other not - but both were orderly, happy and a lot of fun - my guess is that they would think nothing of the second person, but would make some derogatory comment about the acknowledged alcoholic. This might be part of the reason I tell anybody who knows me. Because even if no harm comes of it, knowing i will disappoint that person if I drink is just that added bit of incentive to stay off the sauce. I know it has to be for me and nobody else's judgement, but it helps.