munchkin05

GOOD MORNING ALL MY NEW FAMILY!

Okay, I felt a big hearty HELLO was in order today. Why? Don't know. Maybe it's because today is Day 9 sober.
, my skin cleared up almost over night last night. Don't know if I can contribute it all to just stopping drinking or the extra vitamins I now take.
(Just to let you know I now take a womens multi, a B complex supplement, extra Vit C, Milk Thistle to help with my liver function, and a few other odds and ends).
Energy level is high today. Don't know if this is because today is MY FRIDAY or just because I got a good night of sleep, the counseling two days ago or the fact that I just wrapped my husbands new coffee bean roaster this morning.
I'm not going to question it. I'm just going to go with it!

Today one of my coworkers brought in Rum cake. Don't think I'll be having any of THAT today. I brought lots of veggies. Need to save room for Christmas and that Torta della Nonna cake I plan to have for Christmas. Trying to lose some weight. Sorry coworker. No I mean no offense.

You know, I've been thinking while it's great that I made a list of things I HATED about drinking, it would be even better to make a list of things that I LOVE about being sober!

1. Like waking up in the morning and I can actually recall what I did last night without hubby having to remind me
2. I like the fact that I do not have to pretend to know what I did or didn't do last night. Case in point, this morning I REMINDED hubby that "no we did not run the dishwasher last night because it wasn't full"
3. I like waking up with energy and a positive outlook
4. I like that I take better care of myself when I'm sober
5. I enjoy the fact that I have a bit more patience for myself when I'm sober
6. I love the fact that I don't have to hide the numerous empty vodka, gin, brandy, Grand Marnier, and cheap wine bottles in the recycling. As of this week I have not a single empty bottle of anything alcoholic sitting in recycling and trash day was Tuesday.
7. I love that I can spend better quality time with my husband.
8. I love that tomorrow I will have the energy to start the day off by dropping my son off at day care for a bit. Then I will go to the gym with my husband for around two hours. We will go swimming, sit in the hot tub and relax a bit. I could never do any of that while drinking.
9. I love that now I can honestly admit to a doctor, counselor, or even the ASAP counselor who just called to schedule my appointment.
10. I love that money lasts a bit longer now because I'm not spending approximately $50-$125 a week on alcohol
11. I love that I'm not sweating like crazy at work nor am I feeling nauseated, having heartburn non stop or having non stop headaches!
12. I love that I am awake. I am not wandering around in an alcohol induced fog.
13. I love that I can look in the mirror and the anger and hate I have directed at myself for being a lousy drunk, a horrible Mom and wife is fading and I'm starting to make peace with myself once again.

I'm sure there is more but since I'm talking to coworkers, watching my coworker stuff herself with rum cake (better you than me, dearie!) and working queues right now I can't really think of much more.

So also another two positives that have happened recently.
First, my coat that husband has advised me cost well over $150 has been found. Turns out one of my coworkers brought it home because she thought it was someone elses. I'll get it back next week.
Next, the ASAP counselor called me. I've got a appointment on the 3rd of January at 1530 (or 330pm for civilians).

So life is starting to turn around. I'm looking forward to spending some time with hubby working out (which I will regret on Saturday as I will be SOOOOO sore) but you know, at this point I'd prefer to get my little burst of euphoria from the elliptical machine then from a glass of some sort of liquid.
At least the side effect from the elliptical machine is leaner thighs, smaller butt, healthier cardiovascular system and an increased self essteem. Much better than a shot of whiskey which just leaves me with a torn up life and body.

munchkin05

By the way, the picture above is a Torta della Nonna which is "grandmother's cake" in Italian and, no, I am not Italian. Just American with a mixture of French Canadian and Romanian thrown in for flavor!

jocata

Awesome job munchkin! Nice pics of the food too. I'm likely to become a food addict now!
God bless

munchkin05

First let me get a "WOOHOO!" for double digit days!
Actually that's funny in a way because in the past double digits were something to celebrate but single digits were even better (when it came to the countdown when hubby would come home from a deployment).
Still I'm glad I've made it this far and yet I can't wait to triple digits!
So going to keep this quick. Hubby and I have some wrapping to finish up, we need to go to the grocery store and we still have yet to make our way to the gym. This evening I work with my son in making and decorating sugar cookies and then we're going to work on a gingerbread house, all of which I will be completely sober for. Wow, haven't had a Christmas like this since, oh...about 4 years.
Got an appointment yesterday for two weeks from now to see one of the Army Substance Abuse Program counselors. Next week of course I also meet with my other counselor. This will continue weekly for a while.
Then of course I plan to visit here daily and participate in the meetings at least on Wednesday.
Each day is getting better and better.

DarrenW

Very good posts, M. Inspiring. I will, however, pass on the cake Those things on top dont look to appetizing too me. Merry Christmas!

snoozeqz

Good Luck! You can do it!

munchkin05

LOL Darren, those are pine nuts. LOL I know, hubby mentioned in this picture it looks like worms or something. LOL

Fandy

Those are Pine Nuts on top of the cake, they are delish.

Itchy

Munchkin,
WooooHoooo!


Thanks for posting. I think your family is indeed getting a gift this Christmas that will last for the rest of your lives. The more you give it the more you get too. You are finally seeing all the local support AND using it. Many are afraid as you were at first to admit that problem honestly. But the same folks have no problem showing a health professional an infection on their butt.

I love your list of things you like about sobriety.

OK we're alcoholics, get over it, is what I feel like saying sometimes, but only folks like you who are doing everything possible to get over the problem understand.

Also remember we understand the roller coaster ride recovery is for each of us. However those desperate to get better, who feel there is no hope, who suffer alone, will read your posts and see that maybe even for them, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep shining your light.

munchkin05

One word describes me currently.
EXHAUSTED

This morning, woke up at 551 when I had to go to the bathroom(yet another new thing to get used to again. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night or the wee hours of the morning. When I was drinking I was so dehydrated that I never woke up through the night other than to take a drink of water from the bottle I keep next to my bed)
So started reading more from the BB. Oh yeah, forgot to mention, started reading the BB a few days ago. Just bits and pieces here and there.
Well, then hubby woke up, we watched Hell's Kitchen for a bit until son got up, then we all got moving to the stuff that needed to be done today.
First breakfast which was actually fun to do today since I taught my 6 year old son how to make an omelet.
Next however was the real work.
Sugar cookies rolled out and cookie cutters got to work. Got those in the oven, decorated and done.
Next was the Pâté. Son and I like pâté, hubby not so much.
Next is to start another batch of artisan bread. It's already late and it won't have much time to work but as long as I get the dough going. I have two traditional boules to make before tomorrow.
Next is the Pecan Meringue cookies along with la pasta frolla which is the crust to the Torta della Nonna. Tomorrow I'll be working with la crema pasticcera which is the lovely custard filling.
Thankfully we've already got the goose brining in the fridge(seriously missing Alaska right now when, during the winter, if we wanted to keep something cold you would simply put it outside in the snow covered. Never had to worry about finding room in the fridge) but tonight I have to prepare the spice mix for the goose, score the flesh and then mix the spices into it.
Thankfully the apple, sausage and bread stuffing is super easy so it doesn't take much prep work.
I still have clean up from my sons efforts at decorating cookies, floors to wash, laundry to do, and a fish tank to clean.
Tonight we have presents to label and then of course put under the tree once our son is fully asleep. Gonna be a late night I think.
So for now I'm sitting, relaxing, knowing it's going to be hard to get myself up and get moving again.
These were the days when it was always harder to abstain. When I worked myself to the point of exhaustion and as I neared the end of the day the thought "God, I really could use and DO DESERVE A DRINK"
Well today it will instead be "God, I could really use a hot bath to make my aching feet feel better and then maybe also some Perrier or possibly a cup of espresso with a piece of chocolate with hazelnuts, or even better, a chocolate biscotti!"
OMG I'm tired.
Time to break out the big guns and get out the Monster that my husband lovingly got me because he knew that by 3pm or so I'd be seriously dragging.
Okay, so time to crack that open, get a boost of energy, maybe play an airport game that hubby and I enjoy (skyrama if you're curious) and then bolster myself up for a bit more work.
The best out of all of this? Tomorrow we'll be having crepes (son's selection) with homemade jams and jellies, fresh fruit, and bacon after opening presents. Lunch will be pate on fresh homemade artisan bread, deviled eggs (my favorite that I rarely get to have), shrimp cocktail, cheese and crackers, and sliced pears along with non alcoholic bunch made with sprite and sherbert. Usually during a holiday hubby and I would pop open the bubbly during lunch but we're replacing the bubbly with a different version.
Dinner will be a roast goose stuffed with a sausage, apple, nut and bread stuffing, sauteed potatoes andTtuscan braised artichokes. Bread on the side with some fresh garlic butter.
La Torta della Nonna for dessert.
In the end all the work will produce such delicious results. Can't wait!

Also can't wait to see the smiles from the two most important and wonderful guys in my life as they open their presents.
My God, I love Christmas.

arlie23

Munchkin05-
I just found your thread and really enjoyed reading through it! I'm new here, so I just recently started getting on and looking around. Like you I have a husband in the military and a son who is turning (9 months!). Wine has always been my drink of choice, though lately that has progressed to rum. I also quit cold turkey when I was pregnant and whenever I got stressed (my drink trigger) I would workout. As a result I was so in shape when I had the baby I literally lost all the weight I gained in one day LOL. With a lingering three pounds more on me. BUT about 4 months after having my baby I started drinking again and I have never gained so much weight so quickly! I love to eat crackers and cheese while drinking and for some reason the more I over consume alcohol the more I tend to binge on food. I now weigh more then I ever have! I have finally gotten to the point of realizing I have a problem. I know I could be WORSE but I have to admit I am BAD ENOUGH I like how you mentioned 'quality time with your husband' to! Like you, I spent many evenings with my husband mildly sloshed, thinking this would make me comfortable and less likely to worry about things. But you are so right, it does take away from the crisp quality of actually knowing what's going on and being able to carry on a meaningful conversation. For some reason Intervention has always been a trigger for me! LOL I watch it just to think, hmm well those people are worse then me but it always makes me want to go buy a bottle! But keep up the good work and I have been thinking more and more that my son is going to get to the age where he can't help but notice my habits. My husband already has. I'm glad your husband is so supportive! For the first time last night I had a talk with my husband about my drinking. I hid as much of it from him as I could (water bottles full of rum in random places about the house, wine bottles hidden under the stove). I was surprised at how much of my drinking he had noticed (and there I was, thinking I had expertly hid it all). He is willing to help me, but says he worries about confronting me because of the many times in the past I have been so defensive and started major arguments every time he mentioned me having a problem drinking. My sister is also on her way to a full blown alcoholic (if not already there). She admitted having a problem to me, to the extent that she drinks in the morning as well as at night, and that she is having pain in her liver (not sure what this means however). But now when I try to discuss it with her now she will only say she is 'doing better,' and having a beer or so a day. I feel, like me, however that as long as she continues having any drinks she will have a problem. It is very hard for me now being around her because every night she goes through a bottle of wine! We are very close, but now that I am trying to stop drinking I dread the thought of spending time with her and alcohol. Anyways, sorry for the long post! But loved your blog, keep it up And I have found replacing alcohol as a stress reliever with something else - like working out (which also helps lose the weight alcohol gave us, helps a lot. My dad always used to say, when you put off a bad habit, you should put a good habit on to replace it

Itchy

Hi arlie,
Welcome. <<Retired military here. Your sister is hiding it like you did. If we could stop at one we would not have a problem would we? Moderation doesn't work for alcoholics/problem drinkers/ people who can't stop after one whatever you want to call us, there we are! I hope she gets in the frame of mind you are getting to. You also have a lot of on base support available for you. Go get it! Munchkin has been there and done that.

Munchkin,
I was worn out after reading your post! OMG! I forgot how hectic it was when our kids were home and we were as active. My two boys are both older than you are I think. They are going through the same thing as one has three girls 16, 14, and 12. My SH is over at her Dad's setting up our first Cajun Christmas with her brother Dad and Mom. NO turkey, no Ham. Andouie Sausage Jambalaya, gumbo, and a fresh seafood Court-bouillon (they say Koo-Beeyon here) cornbread, greens and what else I don't know. I don't make it, I just eat it. Out two boys and the G'kids and her parents and brother's family will all be there tomorrow. I just brought some pound cakes to our neighborhood vendors and friends.

munchkin05

Thanks arlie! I kind of keep this journal/thread for recording thoughts, emotions, etc and oddly enough never meant to be "inspiring" to anyone. Just wanted everything all out there. For too long I've kept secrets. Felt it was time to stop that and be honest, with everyone and myself.

munchkin05

LOL Itchy, too funny. Yeah I know, it was a long post full of the junk of today. As I was writing I was just thinking to myself all that was and still needed to be done. As it stands right now I'm behind on dinner due to complications with the meringue cookies. LOL
In between following Santa on NORAD for my son, cookies, keeping the floor in some semblance of cleanliness and all, I'm pooped by it all! Even with the monster I drank and the two cups of espresso! Can't wait for Santa to come so Mama & Papa can go to bed!

Itchy

You'll get there! Doesn't genuine earned tired beat "hungover tired" any day of the week?

munchkin05

Yup! Any day of the week and twice on Sunday!!!!

munchkin05

Hard to say how I stand today.
No problem with alcohol today, I'm just so tired. I have a headache. And I really want to take a nap.
I woke up this morning at 6:20 am when my husband got up to use the restroom. I was actually excited to get downstairs with my husband and son and I had so much fun opening presents. This morning was the first Christmas morning in about 4 years that I had not had anything to drink the night before. It was a beautiful morning! Loved it!
Of course, there's no snow which is a downer for the three of us, even though we've been away from Alaska now for 2 years. We still miss our snow more than ever.
But, anyways, had a relax day with son and hubby. I haven't gotten to everything I need or want to do, but then, like I said, I have almost NADA energy. Hubby shared a Monster he got yesterday at the shoppette(love you babe) and I've had a few espressos, chocolate, etc. I'm tempted to have yet another espresso but I'm afraid it won't do much.
My God, why am I so tired?
I started wearing my GoWearFit on my arm recently again. This tracks how much I'm doing, how much I'm walking (counts my steps), how much and how well I'm sleeping(been averaging between 6 1/2 hours and 7 1/2 hours of sleep a night).
Well, that's about all. Still sober. Got the sparkling grape juice chillin in the fridge, the goose is in the oven, la pasta frolla and la crema pasticcera are in the fridge also chillin and waiting for their turn to be formed into the Torta della Nonna, the artichokes are about to be started, bread is done.
The tree is lit and looks so lovely.
Even better yet though is the knowledge that we have more one Christmas in this state, then we'll be gone. Hopefully back to our home in Fairbanks.
Still though, one day at a time.
Today is Day 12.
Merry Christmas all!

PS. Picture included is a shot from a distance of Fairbanks Alaska on the Winter Solstice.

munchkin05

Yet again, another busy (however productive) day.
And yet again, another day sober.
Hubby put up my tv and connected my Roku box that I got for Christmas in front of the elliptical machine upstairs. I got software added to my pc, I thoroughly scrubbed the kitchen with help from my 6 year old son. (thank you kiddo)
My hands are rather raw but the house looks better.
Thankfully this week is a short week. Tomorrow I have an acupuncture appointment and then on Wednesday I see my therapist again. I'm sincerely hoping this one won't be as painful but I know I'm constantly hiding a lot of pain, anger and sadness.
I remember actually being like this somewhat when I was nineteen years old which is confusing because I don't know why.
I know I HATED Tennessee as much as I do Maryland. I didn't like that people were so closed minded. I got annoyed at people when they yelled at me to put a coat on in 30 degree temps.(I am a normally very warm blooded person so I do NOT like HOT WEATHER! YUCK! Hence the reason I loved Alaska so much)
So anyhoo, off that tangent.
Not certain if any can tell but I tend to be all over the place when I'm at home and more to the point at work. Guess at home I'm split everywhere. Son needs to know where this item is, hubby wants to know about if I've done that, cat is meowing, dishwasher is needed emptied, wash needs to be moved to the dryer, cat just got sick on the floor, etc etc etc. I could go on and on.
At work, while I hate the people I work with with almost every fiber of my being I like the fact that I don't have to be so scattered. I can sit and collect my thoughts.
So that all being said, time for dinner. Goose pot pie.
Thankfully hubby go back to vegetarian tomorrow. I love to eat meat, don't get me wrong but I hate the sluggish feeling afterwards.

Today is Day 13.

munchkin05

TWO FRIGGIN WEEKS SOBER BABY! YEAHH!!!

So it's been two weeks now. Two weeks ago I poured my gin down the drain. Two weeks ago I decided "enough is enough" and decided to start my journey to become a better Wife & Mom, a SOBER wife and mom.

The past few days I've noticed something peculiar.
Well first thing, let me just say that I'm ranging right around 5-7 pounds lost. Very nice. Especially considering I'm about 45 pounds overweight. Never before in my life have I been this overweight and I hate it.
However next thing is I've noticed pain in my back near my liver. Previously I only noticed this type of thing when I first started up drinking again after a period of abstaining for more than a few months (or more).That always used to worry me and led me to wondering "gee, I wonder if maybe I have a problem?". After a few weeks of my 1 1/2 bottle of wine, few martinis a night habit the pain went away and so did the worry.
Next thing is I've developed odd cyst like break outs along my jaw line. They don't exactly hurt but they itch as one is rising. Each of those last for about 2 to 3 days, then they dry up and go away. Weird.
Don't know if that is alcohol related or allergy related. (I have a whole SLEW of things I'm allergic to here in Maryland!)

So if anyone has ever experienced any of that let me know! I'm curious and I hate to run to the doctor for something like this when I'm already going once a week for my normal therapist, about to start going to a therapist for ASAP once a week starting next week, go to my acupuncturist once every other week, go to my allergist once a quarter, go to my dentist twice a year and then of course all the other miscellaneous doctor appointments that pull me away from work. I'm going to run out of sick leave really quickly I think.

By the way, in between reading the BB (which is really boring and I find is a bit too preachy for my tastes! Heck I read Amish novels which are full of references to God, Jesus and the Bible and I love those but the BB I'm just skimming past when it gets too much for me) I'm reading "Saturation". Good read.
I feel really bad for the lady writing it but then as we all know, we make our bed and then we have to sleep in it.
In the beginning we might choose to have a glass (or two or three or four) of wine, a glass of whiskey, a cocktail before dinner but sooner or later it progresses for us alcoholics.
I know for me, it's a very slippery slope that now I know I have to avoid at all costs if I want ME back.

My husband and I are having a much better dialog about me, the alcoholism, the addiction, etc. Maybe he's getting more comfortable with it? More comfortable with the idea that "no, your wife is not weak. She just has an incurable disease that makes consuming alcohol a no-no"?
Don't know yet. I figure in time he'll share with me how he feels.
But that all said, I told him as I made Christmas dinner this weekend "I know there are two ways for me to live now. I can drink alcohol, get sicker and sicker, you and my son can watch me fade away to a distant, but horrible memory, you all can watch me die an early death due to cirrhosis, liver disease, heart attack or some other complication that those who abuse alcohol suffer from. OR I can fully abstain from alcohol, go to the gym, watch more of what I'm eating, meditate daily, practice Yoga in the evenings, and become a happier, healthier person. A better Mom, better Wife, and best of all, a better me. Those are the options."

So that's where I'm at.
In 5 1/2 months I'll be cruisin on Carnival, I'll be thinner than I am now, I'll be happier than I am now and most of all. I will be SOBER

Itchy

TWO WEEKS!


Congrats! Hey you are going to lose a lot more weight according to what I hear from other alcoholics. Keep exercising and you'll get there.

Hey! I like your more realistic posts now too! The good and the bad.

I hear loud and clear that you are a little bit afraid to go see the doc to tell him about your liver or whatever pain. And using all your sick days isn't really a good reason to be low level stressed out over something you have the insurance to check out. Many don't.

Also watch out now for the impatience and mood swings. They pass quickly though. I was going in three directions at once for a month or so and had to let myself just wind down and then get things done in some sort of logical order.

Yup I mess snow too. We used to ski the Austrian, Swiss, French, and Italian alps for seven years when we were assigned to Germany, a great double long overseas tour.

Go see the doc. You don't want to call in dead do you?