munchkin05

LOL, I probably will end up going in Itchy, but probably when I already have several appointments scheduled so I can just take a day of vacay rather than sick leave.
I get 3 weeks a year of vacation, 1 week of sick and 1 week of personal (which we use for the unpaid holidays)
My boss is already balking at the 1 day a week appt starting this week. I keep emailing her and she has yet to respond for the appt tomorrow. I take that as her "I'm not happy with you at all" response.

LOL Itchy, I tend to write a bit better when I'm at work rather then when I'm at home. Less demands on me mentally since I work a job where I'm expected to be a glorified talking Monkey. LOL

munchkin05

Feeling antsy, frustrated, annoyed. I don't know.
Just feeling "off" (See blog if your more interested in hearing me rant about it. I almost wrote it on this thread but just didn't feel it important enough to put here!)
Today I have my meeting with my therapist which is good because I'm feeling like I'm sliding into a mental funk.

I've noticed a habit started that I don't know if hubby has noticed yet. I get home, put my stuff away, lately I check on my son (which annoyingly enough lately I've found him playing Super Mario Karts), then I clean up the living room somewhat from all our bags and other items we bring to school and work. Next head to the kitchen, kiss my hubby hello and check in on the cutting board to see what he's working on. Okay, time to grab myself a cutting board and work together on dinner, oh but wait....the CRAVING is hitting! This is when I normally would pour myself a glass of wine!
QUICK turn on the coffee machine!
QUICK! Get a piece of chocolate! Come on, come on, hurry up coffee machine!
Brew myself a cup of espresso, nibble the tiny little square of chocolate. ahhhhh. Okay. I'm good now.

Okay so that's my crutch right now. Better than alcohol but I seriously need to get my a$$ to the gym. I need to find my little happy place that I tend to only find when I'm on the elliptical machine, in a pilates class or doing some other healthy thing like swimming.
All that said, coffee and chocolate is not going to be a successful way of coping when things get tough(which I'm sure they will sooner or later because things always seem to go crazy every so often for us!)
GOTTA GET TO THE GYM!

Here's to hoping that tomorrow I wake up with a clearer view of my plan for the future, a more positive outlook and clearer skin!(since it's breaking out like crazy from all these weird break outs!)

munchkin05

As Dorrie says in Finding Nemo "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming. What do we do? We swim, swim."
Well that's me today.
Nothing really special today. Work is pretty dead. Had my appointment with my therapist yesterday. Went well. Covered a lot of my history. (not of drinking, just history growing up which was pretty boring. Average military kid type of life stuff. Yes, I'm not just a military wife, I'm also a military brat)
Hubby is hurrying to use up all the Kahlua and Butterscotch schnapps in his coffee before he leaves for his TDY. TripleSec went down the sink. Not that there was much left anyways from our last Sangria Saturday party.
I'm tempted to toss the homemade Cherry Kirsch and the homemade Peach schnapps. They're too damn sweet I can't stand them so that is good but I also can't think of what else I'd use them in.
So that decides it. They're gone tonight. In the past I would've given them to my Mom and Dad but there is no way in hell I'm going to give my alkie Mom those.
All we have left is 2 1/2 5 gallon jugs of homemade mead (also very sweet and not the best tasting in the world. Think of how cooking wine tastes. That's how they taste.
They're good for cooking though, so I've kept them and added them to everything from last nights chicken and dumplings to soups, sauces, or gravies(all fully cooked for quite a while btw). Once those are gone we will have the very expensive 5 bottles currently tucked away in our wine cabinet (that's how serious we took our wine previously. We have a gorgeous, cherry and wrought iron cabinet that can hold up to 60 bottles of wine along with glasses and such. Later I might be broaching the subject to hubby that maybe we should sell it? Or I might use it to stock Perrier instead. That's a thought. Wine cabinet turns Sparkling water cabinet?
I've told hubby I will be cooking with each one of those when I do a chicken, beef or pork dish and then with the carcass leftover I will make culinary broth out of the rest of the wine. There is no way in hell that I would ever toss bottles of wine that are ranging in the $25 to $45 range and unfortunately we don't have many friends that would truly enjoy the wines.
In the past, like the cherry kirsch and all, I would've given them to my Mom and Dad but now a days that is also completely out.
If I give them to any other family (aka shipping them out to Oregon) then I'll have to answer questions that I do not feel comfortable answering.
Damn. We had to be wine collectors didn't we? Thank God I only have the 5 bottles left!

Last night I had a dream that I came across a half a bottle of Grand Marnier. Next thing I knew I drank it. I woke up in a foul mood from that.
Grand Marnier used to be(well officially still is but of course I just don't drink it now) my favorite. If I had the money I always would buy that. If I didn't have the thirty some odd bucks, well then it was wine or vodka.
Stupid. It all was so stupid. When I think back to when the addiction was (officially still is but I don't act on the urge now) ruling my decisions.
*How to buy some alcohol without my son seeing.
*How to buy some alcohol so my hubby wouldn't see the money gone.
*How to hide the alcohol so my hubby won't know how much I've bought.
*Never go outside as the sun is setting to bring empty bottles outside. A neighbor might see. Always bring empty bottles outside in the pitch dark of night!
*Never go outside if other kids parents are outside if I've had more than 6-7 glasses of wine. Because of course, gotta look the part of "Mom of the Year". Can't be slurring my words after all.
*Don't answer the phone if I've had more than a bottle (big bottle, mind you) of wine. Can't be slurring my words after all. Don't want family or friends to think I'm sloshed!
*If in public never ever consume more than the token 1 or 2 glass of wine or no more than 1 cocktail. Can't be thought of as a lush after all!
*If having a party at our house, drinking a bit more is acceptable (because after all, the point of our parties in the past was to get everyone pretty wasted! They'll never notice 1st, how much I've drank and 2nd, how buzzed I AM!) That said, when having people over drink a glass of wine in public. Drink two glasses of brandy, wine or vodka in private. Back and forth.

I used to drink around an 8th of a large vodka or gin bottle a night before hubby got home from work. He was and usually still is arriving late from work which suited my addiction just fine. I could drink that small enough of gin/vodka. Get a good buzz going, then switch to a large wine bottle right before he came home. That way my breath smelled of wine, not gin.
Many times I fooled him, many times I didn't. (I've found out in the past few weeks that I didn't fool him as much as I thought)


My God, the idiotic rules I had for myself. DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB.

I really loved the analogy I read yesterday in the book "Saturation" by Jennifer Place.

You know, I don't swear a whole lot, and I certainly do NOT swear in front of my son. (well that is unless something truly bad is or has just happened and then I apologize profusely and tell my son I will wash my own mouth out with soap!) But Jennifer Place has it so totally correct. This is all such a f*cking drag.

Today I'm reading Sober Truths: The making of an Honest Woman by Jill Kelly.
Oh, and off topic. Blood Pressure was 143/103. Its getting better considering that a week ago it was 153/100.00
Still, all that being said. I HAVE TO GET MY A$$ TO THE GYM!

Today is day 16.

MentalLoop

Hey Munchkin,

You struck a cord with me about the expensive wine that i have been struggling with myself. I have about five bottles of Opus One that aren't ready to drink yet....they need another 2 - 7 years depending on the bottle. I also have about 5 bottles of Chateau Neuf De Pappe, all either ready to drink or will be ready. The obvious struggle - all of these bottles are at minimum $150+ and up. After reading your post, i found myself thinking:

Is it possible that this disease is so cunning that i purchased these bottles over the last year because i anticipated the internal crisis of needing to quit, and that i would be able to palm off (or pour down) all my other liquor except for these? Was my alcoholism provisioning my relapse for me - is my delusion about expensive liquor my cryptonite?

Funny enough, although i dismissed this when i thought of it, reading it in your post, I think you may have given me a way out. There is still some family and many friends that are close enough to me that i could give a bottle to as a major gift - be it a 10 or 20 year anniversary, a second wedding, New Year's, whatever. I think i have to get the bottles out of my home. All the other liquor, i have quite comfortably unloaded in big drabs. Last night at my mother's house gathering, my wife and I agreed to supply the liquor...we had tons to unload. At christmas and christmas eve events we also supplied the liquor. Although our scotch was great stuff - it was all the kind you would serve to drink freely (McCallan and Johnny Green) - so it has been very easy to unload our quantities. The wine...that was me provisioning for when i got sober again to drink. It must go. Cunning damn it, cunning!

munchkin05

Addiction is so damn cunning mental loop. Actually I have been thinking now for about 2 weeks who could I possibly give this stuff to?
Like I said, family is a no go. My in-laws don't drink or if they do they buy a box of white wine and call it "fancy".
My family, well, my Mom is a late stage alcoholic in the full throws of denial. Dad would so appreciate it and love it but I do NOT want to send it to them in Oregon simply because then Mom would most likely drink it all before he could have any. You know?
I do have a friend or two possibly (through my hubby, as I do not have any friends here in Maryland) that would possibly appreciate it.
It's one of those things where, if it was a cheap bottle, I would just give it away to whoever. Hell, I'd give it to the homeless drunk on the side of the street if I had to. (bad I know) But since it's an expensive bottle, it was from a family owned winery, I want to give it to someone who would truly appreciate it. You know? Wine making (as cooking, coffee roasting, and growing my own food) to me is a very spiritual type of thing. It's an art form that can only be perfected by doing again and again. I know I would feel the same if I had to give away our coffee beans that we purchased from Bolivia and Ethopia because suddenly one of us had developed a severe allergic reaction to them.
All that said, I might ask my hubby if any of his coworkers would truly (I mean TRULY appreciate our most expensive bottle. If he says yes then I'll sadly see it go but be glad it's gone.)

munchkin05

Or here's a thought. Maybe ship it to my Dad after I "come out of the alcoholic closet" but with the stipulation that he MUST KEEP THIS AWAY FROM MY MOM.
I DO NOT WANT this wine consumed by someone who does not care about the taste, the bouquet, the color, etc but just wants to get a buzz.
Hence the reason I never drank it. I didn't want to drink it just to get a buzz. I wanted to enjoy it.
What does everyone think of that? Do you all think that would be doable? (yes, yes, I know you don't know my Dad or my family dynamics)

MentalLoop

Here is the cunning part. We keep justifying it in terms of money. But think about it. If we are Sober, and committed to never drink again, then these bottles have a value of $0 to us, no matter what we spent. From that perspective, you could give it to the drunk or to a casual friend. I think my only decision now is who will appreciate it most. But that is not something I am going to hold onto for weeks or months - it will be gone by week's end. And i have you to thank for that.

As to the parents, I guess I get it, but i'm still in the camp of talking to your dad. I feel like if you have (had) the conversation, then it may actually be easier to send to him - even to another address. I know sending the liquor to your mom's in any way, in and of itself is a bad idea. I guess i was trying to sneak in a rehash of one of your earlier posts.....shame on me.

I don't know if you are a church goer or have any clubs you are a part of, but that might be a good spot. I also don't know the policy at shelters, or other places of the sort, but what would make an amazing gift in my mind: GIVING THE EXPENSIVE LIQOUR TO SOMEBODY WHO DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT'S EXPENSIVE. That means you will do something really nice for somebody without expecting gratitude or adulation in return. It will be an honest gift - straight from the heart. Ok, i just convinced my self on my disposition. Pick the entity or person who could care least about the quality, but would sincerely welcome the gift. -----by the way, i am not suggesting giving the wine to other alcoholics. There are family shelters and other groups that are just down on their luck, and would love a glass of wine, but just don't have the means to do it. (don't everybody beat me up at once).

munchkin05

Nah, I don't attend church here and don't belong to any groups or anything. As for shelters in our area, there is a strict "Nothing to do with alcohol" policy because the area I live in has a homeless bum and liquor store on just about every corner and this is a pretty small town.
If I was living in Alaska right now I could think of about a dozen people I could give it to. Here maybe 1 or 2(both of which are hubby's coworkers).
I might just box up several bottles, nice and secure, label it. Then wait to meet with my therapist next week, see her take on it, then ship them off.

Dee74

Personally Munchkin?

I think the satisfaction you'd get from pouring that wine down the sink, right now, today, would dwarf any monetary value it may have.

D

Dee74

Personally Munchkin?

I think the satisfaction you'd get from pouring that wine down the sink, right now, today, would dwarf any monetary value it may have.

D

munchkin05

Actually hubby came up with an idea. We have some neighbors who just moved out of their military house and bought a house. We're going to give them a bottle. Two or three of the others will go to my Dad and alkie Mom. Last will go to one of my hubby's other coworkers. That way others can appreciate it.
Nah, it would really hurt to see something like that go down the drain. I would equate pouring that down the drain with pouring the gold that I got when I panned for gold when I was pregnant with my son down the drain. It somewhat is the monetary value but the biggie is that these bottles came from relatively small wineries. Family owned and all. It would be like me completely disregarding the work that the families and their employees did.
It's okay though. Bottles will be gone within about a day or two. I'm going to have to tell my Dad soon though so he understands first, why he is suddenly receiving some very nice bottles of wine. Second to make sure to not give any to my Mom which I know is an exercise in futility because as soon as Mom sees it she'll drink them with no enjoyment other than the buzz she gets.

munchkin05

Not much going on today really. At work, as usual.
Good news is I have a four day weekend this weekend. Saturday through Monday will be relaxing days spent at the gym and at home with my two guys.
Tuesday things get hectic. I have so many appointments scheduled that day it's not even funny.
Morning, drop off my son for school. Gym immediately following.
Then my therapist appointment at 11am. Next, I'm treating myself!
A facial and massage at 1pm & 2pm. Last, my first appointment with the ASAP (army substance abuse program) therapist. Where yet again I will come clean.
In between all of those appointment is allergy shots, blood pressure check, and breakfast and lunch(which will probably be a GNC Total Lean shake)
Yes, it sounds busy, and I think it will be a very busy day but I think it will be a very good day for me.

Okay, so I must admit though. It's time to be honest. After all this is kind of what I started this thread for.
I got seriously close to cracking last night and not for the reason you would think.
I had to completely shut myself off the website last night as I became seriously ANGRY when discussing about pouring out the wine.
Then the thought of my Mom consuming the bottles of wine that I've sent my Dad pushed me almost over the edge.
See the thing is, I've never actually considered those few bottles I have left as wine to be drank casually. I equate those few left as the same as the venison that one of our friends hunted, cleaned and gave to us. In other words there was a lot of work involved there and it wasn't a large corporation that did the work. I would no sooner throw out the venison roast in the freezer than pour out those wines and I feel even greater disgust in the thought that I might be pouring these right down my Mom's throat. I told my husband last night that I was so close to actually opening one, chugging it as an act of "THERE SEE! FINE ITS GONE!" but of course I didn't. Instead I shut my laptop off, glared at the wine in the wine cabinet as if they started the fight and then went upstairs to drown myself in playing the Sims with my son instead.
Those wine bottles have been there since May. Those are the "undrinkable ones" One or two will stay for making broths, or cooking a roast chicken, making gravy, or making risotto. Am I tempting myself? No. Because I have never been tempted to drink those ones. Each of us are different and I can say this. If I have a weak moment and I succumb to temptation it won't be on one of those. It would be on a bottle of gin at the shoppette. Or a cheap a$$ bottle of E&J Gallo.
I would no sooner drink those than I would drink the listerine in my bathroom or the Vanilla from Madgascar in my spice cabinet (that by the way is made from Vodka).
Am I fooling myself? Allowing the addiction to take over my thought process?
No, I don't think so. Because after all, those bottles have stayed there since May. I have had some pretty drunk moments all summer long. I have had some moments during the summer and autumn where, I had just ran out of everything alcoholic in the house, I was desperately wanting to further the "high" I was feeling but I knew those were off limits.
That's that.

MentalLoop

You do!!! My intention is never to cause mental harm or anguish to somebody, so for that, I am sorry. Here is to making a liar out of me

munchkin05

It's okay. In the past I'm always the one who makes everyone else feel better, soothes bitter/angry feelings, calms everyone down and all, all at the expense of myself.
You wouldn't believe how hard it was for me to even write that today.
I guess my therapist is starting to rub off on me. She's been bringing to light how I allow others feelings/beliefs/etc to dictate my own actions.
Thing is, though, we all have to do what is personally right for each of us. We cannot all walk down the same path as what might work for one doesn't work for everyone. That holds true in all parts of our lives.
Don't worry about it.

Itchy

I hope you do talk all this over with the ASAP therapist and get back to us on how it goes. It certainly does help to gain some assertiveness. Glad to see you are hanging in there despite the roller coaster of the first month or three of new sobriety.

munchkin05

Not much to report other than still sober after a hard night last. It was one of those pity party type ordeals along with coming home from work and starting work. At home, as usual.
Still though, I'm at day 18. Still sober.
Didn't get to the gym
My son was sick last night and then this morning his stomach was still irritable.
Here is the big realization though. I told hubby last night that he really should take a Tylenol PM because he hasn't been sleeping well lately. Well he took two which knocked him right out. So we went to sleep, son then gets up at 1244am to tell me he got sick and the thought occurred to me. "I was actually sober at 12am to take care of my son! The past years when my son would get up because he was sick, head hurt, had a fever, etc. I was always asleep/drunk/passed out. I could never be the Mom my son deserved because at midnight I was almost always drunk."
Okay, so that's pretty cool.
I really love the little rewards here and there now a days. Even though it was thoroughly UNenjoyable to take care of a 6 year old little boy who is throwing up, there was the thought that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Not getting drunk each night.

munchkin05

Happy New Year!
And good news is I woke up with nary a drink of alcohol last night. Unfortunately though, I did wake up with a cold.
So here I go again, SICK again. But this time I won't be medicating with alcohol so I'm hoping it'll be gone MUCH faster than last time. Last cold almost lasted 4 weeks!
So today I'm busy networking printers at home, labeling my hubby's coffee beans, setting up my son's pc for some kids programs as well as Skype so he can call my parents or they can call him and I also managed to make a White chocolate pumpkin cheesecake topped with almonds sauteed in butter and sugar. Yum!
Didn't get to make the Moroccan chicken and rice last night as I was so exhausted. Obviously the cold was already trying to let me know that it was ready to start kicking my butt.
So that all said, gotta run. Have much to do and a small amount of time to do it in. Still gotta pay the bills, do laundry, wash floors, all just in time to start dinner. Fun, fun. I think I'll pour myself a Perrier on the rocks in a nice wine glass tonight to celebrate the new year. Make it feel like I'm celebrating, you know?

Itchy

Happy New Year back atcha! I somehow missed the one I quote below and never commented on.
All I can say after reading that is that, well, I am Itchy.

munchkin05

LOL Itchy.
Later I plan to comment on the current book I'm reading. Sober Truths: The Making of an Honest women.
I'm jumping in between "fun" reads and the BB (which I'm finding INCREDIBLY BORING!)

munchkin05

FEELING MISERABLE
MY HEAD HURTS
MY FACE FEELS LIKE IT HAS BEEN STUFFED WITH COTTON

I wish I could from this cold until it was gone. I feel so
I wish I could take a nap but so much still needs to be done. Need to iron, need to work on dinner, need to clean up, need to bring the trash out, need to help hubby pack.

However, I will not drink to lessen the pain from my inflamed sinuses.
This just sucks royally. God, I really hate colds.
today is day 20. woohoo. Maybe I'll celebrate later when I don't feel so miserable.