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Old 09-29-2011, 04:17 PM   #1 (permalink)

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Magic Jigsaws

Hi everyone, I am now a week off 90 days sober and seem to be finding it harder and harder to stay off drink. Over the last few days I have had to seriosly dicipline myself and there usually has to be a solid good reason for me not to drink on any given evening apart from the blindingly obvious fact I have a real problem when I drink. I have been clinging on for days like this, focusing on what I have to do the next day and how drinking might affect that, today it was work I had to get up for in the morning. I am seriously considering going back to AA. I live in the UK and the bottle shops close at 10pm here, at 21:36 I finally cracked and bolted out the door. I stalled and delayed as much as possible after leaving the house, walking around I felt the choice was slipping out of my hands and realised then that for that reason alone I would have huge issues if I picked up. With a depressed resignation, I left the supermarket without buying alcohol. My head was in bits. That is the strongest urge I have resisted so far. I then sat on the side of a bridge along the water, and just spaced out for a bit, watching the stars and the planes, depressed, thinking nothing has changed. The pub was still open but I wasn't tempted, I thought well yeah if I wanted one drink or even two or three but when is that ever enough?? Actually, sometimes its enough, sometimes two or three is enough, or one is just perfect, but these occasions are few and far between and the pieces have to fit together perfectly like a magic jigsaw. I only seem to remember magic jigsaws and if I had my way would skip idyllically from square to square and that would be my life, you know. But its a bit more complicated than that. I'm happy to be sober for one more day and will set myself on day 90, thanks for all your support guys
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Old 09-29-2011, 04:29 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Congrats on your sober time. Are you 'working on' your recovery in any way? I see an addiction counselor once a week and she's been a tremendous help.

The other thing I did, and it was around three months, was I started expressing gratitude every day. At first I had to force myself to think of things to be grateful for but now it's habit and I'm continually aware of my blessings.

Sounds like you might need some support to get you thru those rough times. There's lots of that here, tho some face to face support might help a lot also.
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

Dogs may not be our whole lives, but they make our lives whole.

Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

Find the good and praise it. - Alex Haley

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Old 09-29-2011, 04:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi David

I'm sorry you're struggling - have you any ideas why?
I found whenever I was struggling the best thing for me to do was reach out and find support.

The thing about 'white knuckling', for me at least, was that it took a lot of energy...I found it a lot easier to say 'screw it' when I was tired or demoralised.

Find some support, whether it's posting more here or AA or whatever.

90 days is great but it would be even greater if you could build on that

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Old 09-29-2011, 04:45 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi David. It's good you posted about your feelings. It may not change anything, but it helps relieve the anxiety a bit, I hope.

I remember at 90 days feeling so much better physically, & the thought did cross my mind that maybe I could actually have 'a few' again. I had to fight those thoughts, and remember the torment and hell I'd just come through to get sober. I couldn't dare go back there again, or I'd risk losing my life. So - that was my incentive to stay off it. I knew I'd lost all control.

I don't know what makes us suddenly think we can become social drinkers when we know we've failed at it many times. We know it's dangerous, yet most of us have those thoughts, david - you aren't alone. You have all of us on your side, and we understand. Least's suggestion of a counselor sounds good. Congratulations on your 90 days.
You are so much more than the worst thing you've ever done. Fr. Greg Boyle

A little voice deep inside me said, "Hello, I am here." It was a small voice, & sounded as if it were buried underneath the cushions of my couch. It was my soul...I had forgotten it.

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Old 09-29-2011, 05:01 PM   #5 (permalink)

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Hi thanks for the advice. I see a counsellor but for just 30 mins every two weeks, and its pretty basic. The last time I was there she said I had good insight as I know I shouldnt drink. Wow. I would have stopped years ago if I thought it wasnt a good idea lol. I told her self knowledge is not enough, nowhere near enough. I've been promised various therapy in addition but none of it has materialised. I wont hold my breath. Thanks again
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Old 09-29-2011, 05:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi David,
I just wrote a very long post and it got lost in the ether.
I am 4 months sober today and in the last week I have been having strong cravings. I made it to a meeting on Tuesday, I had not been to a meeting for weeks because of work. I really needed to get to a meeting. I need the support. It helped me greatly in my resolve in staying sober.

Yesterday I was on such a high, missed lunch and ate biscuits and sweet milk tea instead and the high intensified and I had another strong craving.
My sobriety feels so tenuous at these times, it is scary, keeping sober when you don't have cravings is easy but when the cravings come upon you suddenly. I will get myself to a meeting on Saturday.

AA is keeping me sane and sober. I hope you find a support that works for you. Good on you for fighting the craving and staying sober 3 months.

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Old 09-29-2011, 07:22 PM   #7 (permalink)

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Thanks for the reply CaiHong, I will try and go to a meeting tomorrow night, I know what you mean about being on a high, I am going to try get to the gym next time this happens. The fact the urge was so powerful shows me the size of the problem and how important it is to stay sober, usually I would have relapsed by now and before I made no real effort and simply resumed drinking after a few weeks when I felt like it. Congrats on your four months
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Old 09-29-2011, 08:30 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Is it time to end the insanity, yet?
Someday it will all make sense, so laugh at confusion, smile through tears,
& remind yourself it All happens for a reason.

All Big Book quotes are from the 1st edition.
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Sober since May 16, 2011
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