Hi David. It's good you posted about your feelings. It may not change anything, but it helps relieve the anxiety a bit, I hope.
I remember at 90 days feeling so much better physically, & the thought did cross my mind that maybe I could actually have 'a few' again. I had to fight those thoughts, and remember the torment and hell I'd just come through to get sober. I couldn't dare go back there again, or I'd risk losing my life. So - that was my incentive to stay off it. I knew I'd lost all control.
I don't know what makes us suddenly think we can become social drinkers when we know we've failed at it many times. We know it's dangerous, yet most of us have those thoughts, david - you aren't alone. You have all of us on your side, and we understand. Least's suggestion of a counselor sounds good. Congratulations on your 90 days.