Squishyboots

Missy - my husband used to be a club DJ, but has never really done it full time for a career - but yes he still plays gigs about once a month. I don't go usually its too hard to find a baby sitter that is ok with staying until 4 am, plus I really don't get into the House music like he does. We are pretty opposite sometimes. I fell in love with the "bad boy" image didn't I? Now I pay the price. Although he now has a wonderful design job and is doing really well, I still hate that he plays gigs. We are now at the age where I really don't think we should be involved. I haven't done a rave in 15 years for goodness sakes and he has to play at one in Texas in October. I think its silly - quite a sticking point between us, but again I can't change other people. The gigs aren't a healthy environment. It was one thing being young and no responsibilities, but not now.

I had to leave music years ago - my voice couldn't hang anymore with the best of them so I just sing for fun now. I'm happy not to be in the biz. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be alive today...

Thank you for your support! I have to be the strong one here. Hopefully he will follow.

Squishyboots

Ok - so I'm onto my second different soup today - along with half sandwich for breakfast ( oh yes breakfast), and after I have already finished a large container of Orzo from whole foods. And yes I'm still hungry. ARGH

I was actually watching on the news today about a woman recovering from and eating disorder that was close in age to me. They stated many women over the age of 35 are now getting these disorders. She said she felt it was the only thing in her life she could control. How amazing to be able to control something when I feel completely out of control constantly. Not saying it is right, I'm just amazed somebody can have that much control. I'm eating like Green Bay Packer Defenseman these days....

Squishyboots

First of all Krang - how are you doing today?

CB - I know from your other post you are just starting again as well - how are you doing right now?

Noiron - are you hanging in there this morning?

To all my friends from my June class - you are still the most fabulous friends out there and so thoughtful for checking in. Way to be excellent role models!

So I have the splitting headache, yeah its back. I'm drowning in white tea and soup and water. I have to work out tonight with my friend so that will be a big help. Hopefully I will just come home eat and plop down with my kiddos. Half way through Day 2 again...

Missy7

Just work out with the friend, okay?

And soup is good. Eat a lot of it. I'm off to buy a salad myself.

Squishy--I relapsed until everyone was sick of it, but now on day seventeen I can honestly say it's easier to handle the moments when I think I'll drink. You have to give it time.

Now I'm working on my diet after indulging THAT monster. But losing weight seems SO MUCH EASIER than quitting drinking.

Squishyboots

Missy I think I will do well until that dreaded Friday night comes around. I know I'm supposed to take it one day at a time, but I'm really nervous about the weekend, especially when my husband thinks weekend drinking is no problem at all.

Fenris

Squishy, I think that's where the whole "one day at a time" thing comes in. Don't worry too much about Friday. Just focus on the here and now, and staying sober today. You can do it.

--Fenris.

Bee2011

Hi Squishy! Glad to see you are feeling so much better today

Squishyboots

Hi Bee! Well my head is screaming at me pounding with an awful headache, but I'm still going to the gym in a few hours and hopefully home to bed after that. :-)

ANEWAUGUST

Squishy...don't awfulize what will or will not happen on Friday.

For today..just today, you aren't drinking.

I think the bigger question is what tools do you have in your arsenal to combat the "Fridays" that will rear their ugly heads...what are you going to do differently this time?

Until I made a firm committment to recovery, options, such as Friday kept presenting themselves. Then, I would drink, remorse would set in on Monday..I would feel terrible, swear off drinking, only to rinse and repeat come Friday.

That cycle will keep us trapped until we change course.

Plot a new course Squishy, for you and your children, you deserve it!

Squishyboots

That is correct ANEW! I have been in that awful cycle forever it seems and I'm so tired of it. Maybe that's why I'm freaking out again about Friday. But I won't - I will promise just for today and I will be happy in the morning feeling good!

Bee2011

Oh sorry about the headache. I hope it passes soon. Your spirits seem better though and that's good thing. Trust that things will be okay.

Buelah

Squishy - it took past 10 days for my headaches to go away, and I just had one more slight one this morning. But, they are going away. That alone is worth staying sober for.

And I agree don't fret too much over Friday and what it will bring. You will deal with it when it comes. I wondered how in the world I was going to make it through the festivities of the 4th of July, and finally just told myself I would deal with it when it came. And by doing so, I believe I was more relaxed and able to resist the temptations that were right under my nose.

Tonight we were at my folks helping them with yard work, and my Dad offered my hubby a beer. He declined and just said "I'm really trying to cut it back". My Dad was good with it. He's always enjoyed 2-3 a day. Which I admire that. He likes them nice and cold and sipped slowly. Not me...crack it open, have a shot, wash the shot down, and do over. Yikes!

I don't know what the heck is going on, but so far I'm really not missing it. I'm liking the "new me". Maybe it's the me I've been all along, but the alcohol held back.

Well, glad you are at Day 2. I'm very happy for you. And I think anyone that joins in with you on your thread will be as lucky to have you on their journey as us Juners are to have you on our journey!

Hugs!

Squishyboots

Thanks Buelah! I'm so glad you're back and had such a day! I'm off to bed, headache and all but still sober! Whew thank you again for all your kind words. I'll be on again in the morning. See you then, hopefully dreams will be minimal!

Squishyboots

Good morning everyone - so here I am Day 3. YES!

Here's my daily post:

Well hello again night sweats, nightmares and restless sleep. Stream - all I have to say is zombies, yes zombies after me last night, thank god they weren't holding a bottle of vodka...
No head ache this morning, but my face is still poof poof. I worked out last night and came to some important realizations on my way home which scared the crap out of me (no other way to say it really...).

I used to work in a Medical Examiners office and had a really tough time durning and after I left that job with what I had seen over the years. My therapist called it PTSD in a way of sorts. I had been doing really well lately squishing those thoughts down in my head of all the awfulness I have seen of course because I have been drinking. I actually completely forgot about most everything! For some reason last night as I was driving home from my workout - flashes of images came crashing back into my brain. As I fought through the tears I somehow made it home - but I still did not drink. The unbelieveable mean, awful things that people do should not have to be locked in those that serve those offices. I know so many of my former co-workers that drink, a lot.

After I returned home, my husband had been watching the kiddos for me and I could tell, he had a couple shots of whiskey and was in a bad mood. The kids were running around crazy and he can't stand that. He starts griping about this and that, and once again I'm brought to another reason as to why I picked up the bottle in the first place. Nothing goes his way, he's too tired, this isn't working right, blah blah blah. So I calmly ate my dinner (which I prepared beforehand so all he had to do was heat up) and grab the kiddos for bath night. After getting them all ready, reading their favorite book and shutting down the house for the night, I just calmly climb into bed and I am once again so thankful for not drinking even though these two triggers were pounding on my head all night.

Someone had mentioned yesterday in a post that they went out to a Mexican restaurant and didn't even consider drinking. He felt like a non drinker again. That hit me! That used to be me! I was the one with the Iced tea with lemon. I wanted that feeling again.

So will I work on those awful memories and how to control them, yes. Will my husband ever change? I doubt it. We've been through several sessions of therapy and he gives them a completely different face than he is at home, so the therapist usually looks at me like I'm the one that's insane and a control freak. In a way, I am and that's allowed him to get away with a lot of doing nothing. That's ok. I just keep moving forward knowing that I have not drank for today and today is a good day (besides the fact that I probably already consumed 1000 calories! hehe)

Thank you all for joining my post - on to complete Day 3!

bblackbirdflyy

Hey Squishy.

Sounds like my man verbatim. I know I've mentioned this before but the one phrase that helps me when he is on (I call them rampages) is "the only person you can change is yourself"

He complains constantly about his life situation and couldn't give a darn about how I am doing....

Missy7

Mornin' Squishy. I too find myself a witness to my life and identifying the triggers that I have used to drink in the past. I think that maybe identifyng those triggers might make it easier to avoid them.

And I've been in therapy with the hubby too, and I have also noted how different he is there than in real life. We wore out about three therapists over the years. What I can say is that we will have lived together thirty years August 1 and he has just grown out of it.

So I went to karaoke with him last night. I didn't drink, but he did. I do believe that we serve as role models and eventually the hubbies catch on a bit. I ordered Pepsi and I too am learning to be the one "with the iced tea with lemon." Because of where we live, I have the same servers I used to have, and they tease me when not drinking. When the server set down my third soda of the evening she said she would have to cut me off soon. I know she is baffled--where are the tequila shots? But we still leave a five dollar tip on a (now) $20 bill, so she shouldn't start treating us like pariah.

So at eighteen days I'm still feeling strong. You need to hang in there, live your own life beside your husband's life, and things do get better. Maybe not way easier, but better.

bblackbirdflyy

missy! there's hope!

Squishyboots

BB - I completely understand! I'm just so tired of hearing the complaining about everything but he won't do a damn thing to change. He expects me to do everything, then if its not done the way he wanted it - then I hear about that too! And I don't just hear about it - its usually in a complaining, mean, nasty, tone - not "hey honey, do you mind if I? or can we try doing this instead?" I know its one of my main problems for drinking. I never wanted to get married again and not to him, but here I am with two beautiful babies that I think deserve a chance at having a family life. But another reason is I don't think he will ever let me leave. He's said it before that I'll never let you leave. Nice eh? ugh - I'm just happy to be on Day 3! Enough gripping - on to recovery.

Chimp

Squishy, I think you are brilliant. You have the best name on this forum. It makes me want to grab something and give it a squeeze (hold up, that sounds completely wrong, I didn't mean it like that!!!).

Anyway, I loved this line from a couple of days back:

'Now I've brought us both out of that awful life, we have great jobs and two beautiful children and liquor is the last to go.'

That tells me that you are an incredibly strong woman and will get through this.

Thank you, you are an inspiration!

Chimp!

bblackbirdflyy

I got so lost in his critisisms that I started to believe I wasn't worth jack as a person! Well I am. I am good enough. He is not the master of my universe. I am.

When I was drinking I let his negativity consume me. As a sober person I will not allow it anymore. I think I will even try to stop venting about it on SR. I need to stop allowing it to be a huge deal to me. If he wants to be polly pissy pants thats his bag. Its not mine anymore.

I'm going to be happy today.

lol chimp....

And yes, squishy, indeed on to recovery.