Squishyboots

So here I am on Day 1 for the umteenth time and I just need to make this work. I will chart my progress here and all the ups and downs of this hell.

Today - I wake up sick. My head aches from throwing up all night. My face is swollen and I had to take today off of work. Something I have never had to do. At this point I know its time to change and change for good. I can't have just 1 drink. It will never work that way for me. I've been an addict in one form or another for years and I know better. I know what needs to happen, and I know where I need to be.

So here I go....jump with eyes wide open this time please.

cb1

Hello.

I am one day 2 today. We can do this this!!!


Cb

Squishyboots

Welcome CB - feel free to post how you are feeling daily. I need to write this down so I am able to look back when I start to feel better.


Here's to us!

Buelah

It's a roller coaster ride we are all on together.

Squishy - Remember, I'll keep checking on your new thread to see your progress! And please keep up with us in the June class. You are always welcome and we enjoy you being there!

Stay strong to you and your new "recruits". Kick this in the butt this time, okay?

Squishyboots

For those of my friends out there that are further into recovery, I need to know what was the turning point. What was the final moment that made you change your life?

CarolD

Good to know you are starting again.....

When you finish these few days of initial de tox..what are you planning to do to remain sober?

Squishyboots

Carol - that is a good question. I've never had a plan besides the usual "just say no" approach. I've always been healthy with food and I workout 4 days a week so I guess that's where I usually get stuck. I need to know how to get past a weekend!

Anna

Squishy, I'm glad you're back and working on your recovery.

I honestly don't believe the 'just say no' approach works. Drinking is a symptom, so when the drinking stops, you need to do the work and find the underlying issues that caused you to drink. That's the route to recovery and finding peace in your life.

Squishyboots

That has always been the question throughout my addiictions and honestly - I just don't know. I think I was always shy and drugs and alcohol always made me more interesting. I have to be ok with myself "as is"...

Anna

Yes, that's it. I had to take a really hard look at myself and when I did, I found parts of myself that were fake and phoney. I had to let go of those parts. I was a control-freak and it was really hard for me to admit that my life was out of control. I also had to learn to embrace the positive and negative parts of myself.

Bee2011

Squishy, I've been there too with using alcohol and drugs to overcome my shyness. I began to realize recently in forties that I actually am no longer shy. I think it's something we grow out of eventually. I also began to realize that I liked myself much better sober than buzzed. No matter what anyone else thought. I think often times we alchoholics encourage eachother and condone eachother's drinking etc. - just because it helps us to feel accepted in our addiction and questionable behaviors. Sober me is a much better person than drunken me... by far! Give yourself time to get to know and love your sober self.

I think it's very cool that you invited CB to post along side you here! I hope you two become great pals in sobriety together!

lushly

Oh squishyb I feel the frustration. I tried for years to achieve long term sobriety. I eat welll, and exercise fairly regularly. But when I was hoping to quit drinking I would go vegan or exercise as complusively as I drank. I was in and out of the doors of AA for years. I just could not stay sober. I very much relate to your cycle right now. I spent many years "dickin" around with this addiction. Thinking I will get a program of recovery later. Nothing really works for me. I don't like AA. The list went on forever. I am glad you are posting here and your honesty is a huge plus towards your sobrity. I hope you will dig for all the postives and work a progam. It will not stop by just not wanting to drink or just saying no. Be wiilling to listen to others and give most anything that is suggetsted a try. You have nothing to lose but your misery.(())s the Lush

Missy7

It isn't easy Squishy. It isn't automatic. And I wouldn't call it fun either. There. That's out.

But the coloring in my face is even on day 16. I have more energy. I suspect I'm better off in less obvious ways. I'm less stressed. Less impetuous.

You are doing exactly what I did. I swore allegiance to the plan on SR, made first day posts, then fell into the habit. Which is what it is: a habit.

I agree with Anna that there is lots more work to be done--but breaking the habit is the first step. Maybe if the next time you were tempted you did something else first. Last night I REALLY wanted a drink. I have good reason to be depressed right now, and it was hot and the end of a long weekend. Instead I ate ice cream. That worked. I probably knew that if the ice cream didn't change the subject I would reconsider having a drink...but it did change the subject.

The magic bullet that I can offer you is that the actual drinking, in the place you drink and with the people you drink, is habit. After a little while, maybe a couple of weeks, that automatic temptation has faded for me. Now when I long for a drink it is only the drink--not the bar and the artificial friends. So I'm down to the real and maybe I can handle it without the excuse of the comfort of the place where my least is good enough.

The other thing about really quitting is that it's SLOW. That might be something else we share. If I could do something awful in an hour, say a root canal, and call it 30 days I would prefer that to thirty days of overcoming every urge. Apparently that's not possible.

You need to stop it Squishy. Literally. Get rid of any alcohol in the house. I don't care if your husband drinks. Either make him take it out of the house to the shed or his friend's, or make him buy it out when he wants it. I did not want to do that, but I did. And I think it was necessary.

Hang in there. It isn't easy but you are fortunate to have found SR.

Buelah

Squishy - I totally agree with Anna when she stated to embrace the positive and negative parts of myself. I, too, am a control freak. I like every thing being just so, and it's in place at the end of the day. I have learned that is a great quality at some times, and other times, I have to let that go and just relax.

Over the years I was very hard on myself. Society has put so much emphasis on women looking like supermodels, and working like Super Women at their jobs and at home, that we are not allowing ourselves the time we need to regroup.

The day I decided enough is enough, was the day after our 11 year anniversary. I woke up after dinner out (drinking way too much), thinking I would have been much happier at home with just my hubby having a nice dinner and sitting out on the swing with the dogs at our feet. But, instead I woke up with that taste in my mouth of whisky and thinking I'm so tired of this. I googled AA (which I didn't want to join, but just wanted some info - I know it works for many, but I'm hoping to do this through all of my friends here, and my hubby)...any way, this site came up.

The deciding factor is I was just mad at myself. Like you, I eat healthy, work out, etc....trying to take care of myself, and then I poison my body with alcohol. And I always thought, if my family knew how bad I was, I'd be so ashamed. So, my anger with myself made me do it. And I was also hoping, that if I could do it, my husband would join along. I just didn't want to go to the doctor one day and have him say "you have to stop NOW".

Remember - bottom line is alcohol can kill you. It will slowly shut your body down over the years. You need your health, because your children need you.

I like every body's idea of a plan. I haven't really thought that much about it, but I know I will continue along, but I will lay out a plan for this. It will be like a travel guide to my life of sobriety.

Also what triggers the drinking. I went over that a lot in the past 12 days. I wrote down mine I thought of so far, and when I looked at them, I thought....there is no reason I could not get through these sober. And this weekend, I went through a couple of them, and was just fine.

So, maybe try writing down your plan. Write down your triggers. Keep a journal. I have heard from a friend of mine, that a daily journal just for your eyes, can really help you to see your pattern.

Stay strong! We're all rooting you on!

Squishyboots

I am sitting here in a whole foods parking lot, with the homemade mac and cheese in my lap drowning my sorrows in food and reading your posts on my small blackberry. Great comments all of you. Missy, Anna, Bee and Lushy, I feel I'm not alone today because of you. Buelah you are a great friend for checking on me all weekend when you probably knew I had fallen. I will take all your great wisdom and be sober for today.

This is probably the longest i have ever felt this bad. I still feel sick and REALLY sick for missing work for such a stupid reason. I will get out of my funk today and move forward...

Squishyboots

Buelah, you make me cry in a good way

Buelah

This past week, we had our friend find out his chemo didn't work, and he is on a liver list - I could have drank out of being sad. (52 years old)

A high-school friend of my hubby's died suddenly on 7/3, massive heart attack. 51 years old, we could have drank out of being sad.

We were surrounded by friends yesterday that were all drinking at camp, we could have had a few drinks out of being happy.

We celebrated the 4th of July and could have drank to our forefathers.

We had a 19 year old local boy die in his sleep due to an anurism (spelling?), could have drank to that.

Drink to health, drink out of anger, drink because of sadness, drink to be social...whatever the reason is it's not a good reason. If you're a social drinker, it's okay. But, the fact we are all here, means it's not.

So, plan as just mentioned, how you will handle whatever your reason is.

Besides, you will be a good leader for some new recruits on your thread! Your honesty always prevails.

Gotta head out - lawn will look like a hay field if I don't get it mowed today!

Buelah

Sorry, sweetie - don't mean to make you cry. But, I agree, some tears are good tears. I can cry at a wedding or a funeral when I don't even know the people. Get it from my Mom and Grandma.

Missy7

Mac and Cheese can cure almost anything. Particularly the industrial kind the grocery stores make. There's time to fix that later. Take care of yourself.

Missy7

Yeah, I went to a rodeo yesterday. They did the grand entry with veterans--and talked about their travails and their sacrifices. Now I'm a democrat, and I know conservatism when I see it, but I just stood there with tears rolling down my face as the flags went by. I cried when the bull fighters protected the bullriders. I cried when the ropers flung the calves down. I cried when the barrel racers ran into the arena. I think early sobriety is a real tear jerker.