poorguy

Dear God, I don't know where to start. I just know I need some people to talk to about this. I just turned 30 on the 13th and have been drinking for over 10 years and go through about two 1.75 liters (the big bottles) of vodka every week. For the past 6 months or so, I have had increasing problems with my health which turned me into a germophobe that religiously uses hand sanitizer. Recently, I came down with the flu and my blood pressure was 175 over 125. That scared the hell out of me. I don't eat badly, enjoy salad, and only consume about a third of what someone my size (260lbs) would be eating to get that big. Being consious of my weight, I count calories and only consume about 1500 to 2000 calories per day (if that most days) but probably double that with the vodka at night. I have heard that poor liver function can cause weight gain regardless of calories consumed. On weeks where I would be at a trade show and alcohol is too expensive for me to justify, I'll notice that I'll literally drop 10lbs in just a week without having my nightly drinks. However, I believe my weight was due to the heavy drinking, of which, I only drink after 5PM but my tolerance level for alcohol is so high, it takes at least 6 drinks to get even a slight buzz. I started drinking to be able to fall asleep at night and it grew into an addiction. Well, on and off over the past 5 years, I will have a dull pain in the right side of my rib cage. I know that is where my liver is. Recently, the pain came back and now my chest gets so tight that it is hard to sleep. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon to get bloodwork done to see how badly I f***d up my liver. Needless to say, this may just be my rock bottom. I'm at the point where I just wish it would be illegal for me to buy alcohol. I wish they could tag my driver's license and blacklist me from liquor stores. I wish my boss would tell me that if I had one more drink, he would fire me. I have two boys (10yrs and 7yrs) and a beautiful wife and I am afraid that I won't be able to enjoy them much longer if I continue abusing my liver. Sorry for the rambling but I can't bring myself to go to AA and sit around a pity-party. I'm stubborn but feel comfortable in this environment.

Let me just add that drinking has never affected my work and I have a very addictive personality.

least

Welcome to the family. I gave up alcohol for good nearly 15 months ago and my life is better than ever. I'd suggest seeing your doctor about getting safely thru withdrawal, as alcohol w/d can be dangerous. I see an addiction counselor once a week and she's been a great help to me. Maybe you could check out that possibility.

Glad you found us!

Stevie1

Welcome....so glad you're seeing a doctor today, poorguy.

poorguy

I RARELY go to the doctor. I've been twice in the last 6 years and it was just to get an Rx for antibiotics. I tend to self-diagnose and go there 99% sure of what I want from the doc. How long can withdrawl last? I'm prepared to deal with some headaches, sweating, ect. I am drinking probably a gallon of green tea and taking vitamins designed to assist the liver in detoxing including B-12. Ironically, I don't like taking drugs (asprin, ibuprofin, tylenol). I have HORRIBLE allergies and just had a steroid shot from an urgent care center. I went in thinking I had an infection but it was just severe levels of histamines in the blood. I did some research and found many sources that said a struggling liver can cause allergies to get real-bad. Well, that is what happened and I'm sick of it. Alcohol used to be a highlight of my day but I have to condition myself to hate the stuff or it's gonna kill me.

LexieCat

Having a doctor's supervision is advisable, particularly because of your weight and high blood pressure. Withdrawal has been known to trigger a heart attack or stroke.

You don't have to deal with the doctor long-term, but a physical exam and perhaps some medication to help manage the withdrawal would make it less dangerous and less physically uncomfortable.

LexieCat

Have you given any thought to how you will STAY sober once you get through the withdrawal? That's where a lot of people have the most trouble--they can stop, but they can't manage to stay stopped.

I know you think right now if you can only get through this you will never want to pick up a drink again, but it's rarely that simple.

I find AA to be extremely helpful, and a great way to live.

poorguy

I don't go to bars. I don't drink socially. I swig and wait for the buzz. Knowing that if I continue this addiction, it will kill me. I feel half dead right now. I never want to feel this way again. I want my liver to get better so my allergies will go away and I can drop some of this extra weight. I do have an addictive personality but I am prepared for the long haul. I only have one problem with AA. I'm agnostic so with someone telling me to "let God handle it for me" doesn't register. I admit that I am killing myself with alcohol and I have a problem that I need to stop.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

I boldfaced the parts of your post that I found interesting.

Stevie1

poorguy, there are other group programs besides AA but I just want to say...AA is not "god-centered" and they really are serious about a "Higher Power of your choice." Which can be anything from a spiritual understanding, the AA fellowship, collective unconscious, life force, whatever works for you.

Look at it another way....alcohol is a power you cannot control in your life, and if you can admit to that, then it makes sense (to me) that calling up a personal higher power to help with the addiction can work.

In fact one of the founding members of AA was agnostic or atheist, as I recall, and was quite emphatic about this.

I'm solidly agnostic and anti-organised religion, yet I am finding AA literally a life-saver. Some groups have a more "religious" vibe than others...but at yesterday's meeting the topic was prayer or meditation and about half of those who spoke said they were non-believers.

Anyway, just wanted to dispel that notion...it's come up many times in the AA forum, you can find discussions there.

Bingen

Poorguy . It is really good that you have realized the danger of health implications due to Alcohole . Pl get treated safely by your doctor and after detoxing safely . Keep thinking about your wife and two sons . god bless and you will get all the support here at SR

poorguy

If you could elaborate, it would be greatly appreciated. Maybe "stubborn" is a bad word to use. I don't like being around alot of people telling stories and expecting me to participate. I guess I am more shy and have been telling myself that I need to quit but it took rock-bottom health-wise for me. I don't want to live every day wondering how much I am screwing up my body and when it will just fail on me and my family will be left alone. I cannot do that to them.

No, alcohol has never affected my work. I am very successful and actually coded my best website work with a buzz. That revelation might be the most disturbing even to admit it to myself.

Bingen

Poorguy I am really sorry to say that you need to get rid of the notion that Alcohole does not affect your work . . with the help of Alcohole you designed one of the nest wesite but if you have not been drinking for last ten years . You might be owner of business and employing hundreds like you , It is all relative , if Alcohole is not affecting your work now , eventually it will . There is mo need to get bogged down for joining AA or not . . if you admit honestly that Alcohole is a problem for you right now . Then there will be hope always

ronf

Poorguy, Welcome !! Pity-party? Yeah some meetings can get that way. Personally I've laughed a hell of lot more at meetings than I've cried at. Introverts and agnostics are both warmly welcomed. All they will ask for is your first name, give that and say you just want to listen. If the group prayer bothers you just bow your head to respect the others and keep your mouth shut. Works for me ?!

Ron

PS. You'll often hear "take what works and leave the rest" at meetings

poorguy

That is comforting to know. I'm just really scared that I may have done quite a number on my liver. I am a very stressful person and struggle with insomnia when I don't have my nightly "dose" of alcohol. I have went a few days without drinking or drinking very little and I'm up every 30 minutes or so. When I am sleeping w/out alcohol, I have the worst nightmares you would never believe. I am smart enough to know when enough is enough. This addiction will kill me if I don't stop. I just need a group of folks to relate with as nobody in my family has had an alcohol problem.

artsoul

Welcome to the forum, poorguy....

Definitely tell your doctor everything about your drinking and that you need to get help to detox. There are also rehab centers that do assessments and take detox patients (usually 3-6 days). Even better might be some inpatient treatment (30 days or more)....that way, you can devote all your energy to getting sober. You're right that this is a life/death decision.

Give yourself some credit for coming here and reaching out - it's so hard to do. I tried for years to battle with my addiction to alcohol, thinking it had something to do with my willpower. It doesn't. You're not alone - you just need to give up doing it yourself and get the help you need.

You can do this.....

Bingen

Poorguy I can relate to your situation and I am sure many of us at SR can relate . Keep visiting this Forum and seeing your doctor for insomnia and nightmares . Is the best solution . God bless you

poorguy

Yes, it is all relative. I would be more productive if I quit. I wish my boss would just threaten to fire me if I had one more drink. I respect him alot and we are building a fabulous business together. I appreciate your insight.

I just googled for AA meetings in my area and strangely, the address is 213 whatever street. I just turned 30 on 2-13 this year. Strange coincidence.

Stevie1

poorguy, keep reading and posting here....many of us relate very well!

Yes - alcoholism is progressive, so I applaud you coming out and addressing it. I've got 23 years on you and never thought that drinking was affecting my work life at all. Until it did and I lost a very lucrative client because I was stupid and drinking....

Also keep in mind that "newcomer" posts like yours may well help someone else who is lurking...so good for you on that, too.

AA isn't the only way, for sure. If you're not a joiner, maybe some sessions with a counselor experienced with addictions? No matter how accomplished you are in other areas of your life, relying on will power alone can be frustrating...alcohol is "cunning, baffling and powerful" and many need help to stay quit. I did, anyhow. Maybe for you, this forum will be enough.

Hope the doctor visit goes OK and you get a plan going forward!

LexieCat

LOL, not necessarily coincidental.

My suggestion is that you try a few meetings and see if you can relate to what you hear. I'm going to post my usual links, an online version of the Big Book (read the first 164 pages)Big Book On Line and what to expect at your first AA meeting.

I'm with Ron, I find myself laughing more than hearing sob stories at AA, and I rarely leave a meeting without feeling better, no matter what is going on with me.

poorguy

Unfortunately, it is going to be a, sorry for the pun, sobering experience today at the doctor's office. I couldn't get an appointment until 3:30PM and my kids will be out of school and with me. It might be a good step to admit how bad I have been to myself to the doctor in front of them and have them help me avoid the poison. I don't know why, but I am terrified of admiting it in front of them. I'm a big dude but just thinking about it damn near brings me to tears.