Zencat

I sure can relate. Although I found that It was possible for me to maintain my secular integrity and work the 12 step program. I did so mostly out of curiosity. What I really do for my addiction treatments is work a program that has a deep personal meaning for me. And that recovery program consist mainly of SMART Recovery Tools, CBT, Peer support here at SR and in the F2F world, among other healthy things.

I come in contact with a lot of people that recover from addiction at the Behavior Health Clinic as I'm a client there. I go to ongoing groups that help me manage my dual-diagnosis through the principles of psychology (CBT). SMART's REBT is like CBT focused for addiction recovery. Well I see people recover in a community that has a very high substance addiction potential vs the general population. And a good number of them like myself get sober outside of AA.

I would suggest you formulate a treatment plan that has personal meaning for you. Its ok to borrow concepts form any recovery program and even come up with a few things that don't fit traditional recovery programs like exercise, healthy diet, community volunteer work, any healthy endeavor that supports your new alcohol free lifestyle.

poorguy

I hope it is nothing but it scared me enough to put an end to this self-destruction. It is hard to admit to a doctor how bad I was to myself but now is not the time, nor ever again, to lie to myself that everything will be ok. That eventually runs out and things aren't ok. I just hope I stopped in time for everything to still be ok.

poorguy

Well, I've been chugging iced green tea for the past 48 hours and since the "drinking hours" I've grown quite a bruise on my wrist but no drinky. And, if I may add, I'm hating alcohol even more with every fwap of the elastic band. If it takes a clockwork orange re-conditioning method to rewire my brain into hating alcohol, and it's something I can relate to and scientifically justify, I think it will work. If it doesn't there are always more methods out there for me to try. The thing is, I understand the human brain better than many as I've done alot of research on why my mind is trying to destroy my body. I'll give an update on my stomach sonogram tomorrow morning. It's at 9AM and I can't eat or drink anything after midnight which sucks.

newby1961

poorguy

I hope you do whatever you need to recover from this disease of addiction. If it is twanging rubber bands, going to AA, or eating tons of icecream, whatever it is JUST DON"T DRINK

Kjell

We're all "just another bozo on the bus".

Nothing unique or special as there are millions of alcoholics in this world and we aren't the first. We won't be the last.

I found that fact very, very refreshing as my alcoholic mind and ego wanted me to believe I was special and unique and couldn't relate and you wouldn't understand me and my problems.

Don't you know who I am? (he he!). Uhhhhyyyyy boy...

I'm grateful I'm one-of-many.

A worker amongst workers.

Kjell

poorguy

Man, another sleepless night. I took benadryl but still laid there in bed until 2 AM and then popped another benadryl. Managed to get some sleep after that but the freaking vivid nightmares. Geez, I sound like a 4-yr old. Oh well, I have my sonogram this morning at around 9:15AM for stones or abnormalities. Boy I am parched but can't drink any water.

Kjell, I'm not sure I follow your train of thought.

Newby1961, I think I'll stay away from fatty foods (ice cream) until I find out my liver is ok. haha. I think getting fit again would be a good motivator and distraction from my drinking. I used to work out alot in college but drinking after working out made my stomach ache so guess which one I chose. Time to go the other direction.

Zencat, I have no idea what those acronyms stand for.

Zencat

I agree, a great many people find there way into recovery just like me...I'm no different. What they do when there there is just nit picking the details.

EmeraldRose

Not for nothing Poor, but personally speaking seeking support is a good idea. I had mentioned one other time here that this site is great but if you relapse...you don't HAVE to be on the puter. You can 'disappear'. There is an off switch.
I am finding support to be very enlightening...its hard going thru it alone...and nice to have other like minded folks that know how you feel.
With my counseling, you meet face to face...you talk out your situations and something someone else says may spark an epiphany in your mind. Things come together and there is closure. You wonder why your sleepless and feeling bad and this and that. No one can answer that it comes from within yourself.
I don't have sleepless nights because I am steadfast in my spirituality -I didn't say religion...that is a different ball of wax. You need to get in touch with WHY you feel the way you do...!
Keeping rubber bands on your wrist is a great idea but I fear if I was to attempt such a trick I'd have bloody wrists and look like a slaughtered hog. You will eventually have to come to grips with your cravings and deal with them -not just punish yourself physically.
My AA group is basically farmers. They are strong proud men, just like you, that have swallowed their pride to help themselves and others. There is no pity -just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep going.
Well, good luck at the doctor...that's all I have.

getr345

With sobriety and recovery comes maturity and changes in the way we think about things. It's hard to see the forest through the trees, let's just say that. I can recall in my drinking years that I was actually proud of the fact and would brag about the fact that I aced (100%) the civil service exam for police officer by "studying" the night before by getting hammered with some buddies and showing up at the test site hungover. See, drinking doesn't affect me! I aced it! Only in recovery did I come to terms with and shed the denial of the now indisputable fact that a subsequent drinking episode at work (at a restaurant) directly cost me a future career in law enforcement. Similarly, I used to take some perverse pride in the fact the only field sobriety test I was ever forced to take when pulled over drunk I passed with flying colors and faced no consequences. I also used to take some foolish pride in being an excellent drunk driver. That was all thinking under the influence, denial, addiction, and immaturity. I have changed and don't think like that anymore. Give yourself a chance, give your thinking a chance to change, you'll be amazed at who you really are and what you really think when you let the booze go.

SixStringZen

After I quit, my anxiety had me checking my eyes in every reflective surface for jaundice...I was horrified that I'd done irreversible damage...I've used that feeling for the last 14 months...I never want to feel it again, and I never want to forget it...
Use this fear...let it be productive...

poorguy

Yeah, fear certianly is my motivator. Friday I will know whether or not I crossed the line. It is a horrible feeling wondering if I igored my body long enough to make the damage done to it irreversible.

I should hear something back from the doctor about the stomach sonogram today. That was a wierd experience and a bit embarassing sitting in the waiting room around a bunch of pregnant women waiting for a sonogram.

I don't know if it is the stress of waiting for the results or just a symptom of detoxing but I'll go from laughing one minute to screaming the next. The smallest damn thing just. Well. It's hard to explain. I just don't want to yell or make hurtful comments to my family or my poor pug buddy. I got so pissed off today because no place in town had that brown registered mail tape you have to wet and I drove everywhere looking for it. Damn near drove me to tears (and I NEVER cry). I had to park the car because I was literally blinded by a nearly uncontrollable fury and my heart was beating out of my chest. I just kept thinking that my little pug was riding in the car with me and that's why I stopped and calmed down. Now I'm just depressed and tired. Is this normal?

Dee74

It's very normal PG...the first few weeks are tough - but you're not alone here

D

poorguy

Here's a picture of my buddy Chuy, our black pug.

Kjell

Hi Poorguy-

You're doing a GREAT job coming on here and posting about your problem and your desire to quit drinking. It also sounds like you're seeing your doctor which is very important.

What I mean by my post above is maybe listen to those who know a little something about getting sober and staying sober? ...and maybe a little less of your own, alcoholic thoughts?

We alcoholics make our bodies and our brains sick and you might be better off listening a bit more to solutions that have worked.

Be humble.
Be willing.
Be honest.

Relax and soak it all in.

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which can not fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance-that principle is contempt prior to investigation." --HERBERT SPENCER

Kjell

Stevie1

Sqeeee, a Pug! He's very cool, PG.

There's an animal grat thread here...pics too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-grats-9.html

I'm still dealing with some tiredness and low energy a little over a month sober...but it's getting much better.

poorguy

I absolutely am taking the advice of you good folks here. I may come across as argumenative but that certainly was not my intent. I open up this page and instantly turn into a sponge. I came here looking for answers and support and so far have been through more days not drinking at night than ever. For me to go this long in the past, I would have had to be stuck somewhere without access to alcohol, which I have before. I drove from Dallas to Los Angeles and back with a buddy to pick up props from the show Survivor without sleeping, or stopping except for gas/pit stops. That took over 48 hours.

Yes, confirmation bias is the grim reaper of logical reasoning.

poorguy

Got the results of my lab work.................

.................................................. .........................EVERYTHING LOOKS FINE!

Still have to wait on the doc to review my stomach sonogram but he said my kidney, pancreas, and liver functions (according to blood tests) seem to be working normally!

Not exhaling yet though. The sonogram could show gallstones or scarring on my liver. I've read that blood tests come back normal even if the liver has cirhossis. So, it's either really good.................or reeeeeallly bad. I hope it is the former.

Still no drinky for me though. Not worth the worry.

mtnmagic

My hope for you is that if you do find that you have a clean bill of health,
you do not use that as a reason to celebrate with a drink. It has been known to happen quite often to many of us.

BTW - Your emotions being all over the place IS quite normal for where you are at in sobriety right now. It can be confusing, frustrating and tiring.
The numbness of being under the influence more often then not is wearing
off and you are experiencing real feelings. Yea it can be a B*tch I know.
I'm going on five weeks and while it's gotten better, I can be laughing and
very happy one minute, crying my eyes out five minutes later, and angry as
can be a half hour after that. FWIW - I'll take this over a zombie no feelings
at all any day of the week.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. You are part of
us at SR now and we care about you.

Oh, your little Pug Chuy is a sweetie. I have a mini doxie named Bentley and
even when my emotions are a muck, he much prefers me sober, I know it.

MemphisBlues

Great news, PG

and I'm really glad you came to SR. Keep coming back! Let us know how it's going.

LexieCat

Yup, when everything from the doc comes back OK, some people have been known to think, "Hey, guess it wasn't as bad as I thought. I can drink once in awhile and it won't hurt."

It IS as bad as you thought. Alcoholism is progressive and fatal.

Glad your tests have shown that if you quit, you shouldn't have any permanent physical consequences.