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Old 07-22-2010, 07:51 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Not a newcomer to recovery but might as well be


Well Im going to give it another go. Basically I was drinking and gradually losing control of it so I bought a stack of beer yesterday and vodka and drank until I fell asleep. When I woke up this morning I felt awful and went straight to the sink and poured the final 6pack away.

It seems that unless I totally sicken myself this way with booze, I am unlikely to stop as I trick myself into thinking I can control it as I never feel too bad the next day. But deep down I know I must stop and am glad I did what I did this morning.

So a new day one and as depressed and anxious as my condition is, at least I am going to stop for good now.
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Old 07-22-2010, 07:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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That's amazing that you poured it away. How empowering! Good for you and welcome back Eddie. Keep posting
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Old 07-22-2010, 08:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you Serenitee for your nice comment. I did it because I felt so sick, its the only way I have to give up the drink, by being so sick of it. looking back on it I would have drunk those cans any time of the day but enough is enough, I gotta stop for good and am ready in my mind to fight an aggressive war with addiction rather than a passive one
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Old 07-22-2010, 08:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Good deal. A little over 2 weeks ago I did that, I was actually angry at the beer, was saying I hate you as I poured it out. I'm past the physical withdrawl and am working day by day to stay away from it, it's not cool for us alcoholics to drink, ever.
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Old 07-22-2010, 08:30 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Good to hear that, TexasNative. I hope you manage to stay off it this time as well
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Old 07-22-2010, 09:40 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Eddie,

I would always promise to stop drinking after an especially bad night of drinking and bad behavior. I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. Sounds like that's where your it. It does eventually sink in. Like everyone says you have to come that decision on your own. So true.

I'm working on my second month. I'll pray you find the strength to move forward and reclaim your life. Good for you in tossing the beer. One day,one hour at a time. There's a lot of support here. Can't tell you how much everyone helped me. Especially the first week.
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Old 07-22-2010, 09:53 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you so much optivotal, I have a tough few days ahead, sick and tired of being sick and tired is a very good way of putting it. I get no pleasure whatsoever from binging and will be doing what it takes to remain sober and unafraid of a life without drink. I have been very selfish to lead this life and am quite down about where Im at.
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Old 07-22-2010, 10:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome back Eddie! Good to hear you're starting your sober journey again. It takes work and sacrifice but is so worth the effort.
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Old 07-22-2010, 11:14 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome back!

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Just for today

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Old 07-22-2010, 12:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi Eddie. 'One day at a time'. I still remember my last binge vividly, or rather the total and utterly empty feeling inside of me. I lay in my mates chair for about 24 hours without really moving. He said he was going to take a picture of me and give it to the schools as an anti drink and drugs advert. Man I was beaten by the booze. I was just sick and tired of feeling so hopeless when coming down. I just wanted oblivion but it was so destructive.

But I knew that i had to get working hard on recovery and committing 100% to stay away from that first drink 'just for today'. otherwise i would be stuck in the same depressing cycle untill I probably killed myself drunk.

peace
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Old 07-22-2010, 12:56 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Glad you poured it out and happy you came here, Eddie. It's a constant battle, and we can't let the enemy win for even a second. For me, all it would take is that second, that second that it takes to toss back a shot, and I'd be right back where I used to be in no time. No sir, not willing to live that life again. This life may be difficult at times, but even the hard times are better than any days when I was drinking.

Do you plan to use any type of program this time around? How do you see yourself tackling your recovery? Good luck to you and I hope you'll keep us informed on how you're doing. Everybody starts at Day 1.
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Old 07-22-2010, 01:25 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Good to meet you, Eddie! I tried every way I could (over and over again) to drink without consequences. I finally accepted it wasn't going to work, ever, and I gave up.

Every hour you stay off the drink it will get better, so keep focused on that and be patient with yourself. You're doing a great thing for yourself and those that love you!!
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Old 07-22-2010, 02:49 PM   #13 (permalink)
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While its good to see you Eddie, I'm sorry to see you back like this.
Any ideas on what you're going to do differently this time?

D
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Old 07-22-2010, 02:54 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Good for you, Eddie!

I know where you're coming from. I've woken up the day after a binge and dumped out booze. In fact, I've probably dumped out more booze than most "normal" people have drank in their life. And that's no joke.

One time I left a six pack of 16 ozer's outside thinking, "oh someone will come along and drink it." Next day it was still there. Guess who that someone was? Me!
Geeze, pathetic now that I look back on it.

I'm almost to seven months. Got to the point where I was puking my first beer in the morning. Just an inconveinience, mind you, there were five left. And after the anxiety disappeared after the five, I have enough confidence to go back to the liquor store, head held high, and buy more.

What a life, eh? I hope you don't get to the lows I have. We can stop. Join a program, join a church I make nature my guide. God doesn't want us to suffer this way.

Sorry to ramble, but your post reminded me of me. The old me. Thank you for sharing with us.
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Old 07-22-2010, 03:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Good for you, Eddie and welcome back!

I remember too many years of having to drink what was left in the morning to make the sick feeling go away. It wasn't a choice anymore.

In the end, it was the gut wrenching emotional pain and disgust with myself that made me say enough. It was worse than any physical withdrawal I experienced and I had experienced alot of those and they were bad.

A wise person here on SR posted this months ago and I saved it:

Quote:
I also had a very high tolerance to alcohol and suffered few, if any, after effects from my drinking. I did not get sick from drinking.

I think that my high tolerance and lack of hangovers made it even more dangerous because I could drink excessively without any consequence whatsoever.

It was like having a race car without any brakes.
I'm sorry I can't give credit where it's due. I didn't save the person's name who wrote this, but to the person who did...Thank you!
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Old 07-22-2010, 05:27 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Thank you for all your wise words of encouragement. Dee I have a plan in situ, the first part of it was getting as messed up as I could so I would be utterly sick of the booze. Unfortunately my tolerance to alcohol is high and this was the only way to do it, the pain had to be there as well as the desire to quit. It might sound dumb, but the fact that I poured booze down the drain was a huge step for me.

The next part of my strategy is to get over the next couple of days without beating myself up too much, but also being aware that I have no free will when it comes to alcohol. The pain will teach me this lesson for sure.

Then I'm gonna go for help. Support groups etc. My binging ways are my dirty little secret, I need to share it with others as on my own I am liable to lie to myself when my mood and condition improve.

Finally, I know that many here live by the motto 'one day at a time', I intend to look right down the avenue of decades without alcohol and without being afraid of this prospect. I'm sure its gonna be difficult, but Id rather get comfortable with the notion of a longer timeline as this is the reality I have to get used to.

Luckily I am not in financial difficulty. I am not in a relationship. I have a close family and have no trouble with the law. Sometimes a foundation for recovery is built on the rock bottom of a traffic accident, jail or jobloss or marriage breakup, loosing a home etc. I see it as an advantage to work with the foundation that I have without having to deal with another crisis.

Anyway, Im delighted by all of your attention and will be logging in here regularly. Thanks again everyone
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Old 07-22-2010, 05:37 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by eddie73 View Post
Thank you for all your wise words of encouragement. Dee I have a plan in situ, the first part of it was getting as messed up as I could so I would be utterly sick of the booze. Unfortunately my tolerance to alcohol is high and this was the only way to do it, the pain had to be there as well as the desire to quit. It might sound dumb, but the fact that I poured booze down the drain was a huge step for me.
I'm glad you did dump it

I used to use the sickness too - it's bloody hard on body and mind, mate - I hope reaching out and sharing your secret with whoever helps to make this the last time

D
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Old 07-22-2010, 05:46 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Hi Eddie,

It does sound like you have a lot of good things in your life. I'm glad that you are working hard to get sober and hope that you continue to post here and let us know how it's going.
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Old 07-22-2010, 11:55 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Eddie, I wouldn't worry too much about "decades" without alcohol. In early recovery, I got anxiety when I would think about events in the future and me not drinking at them. Getting myself all worked up over things that haven't even happened yet, and likely won't even happen the way I currently envision them. Just worry about today. And tomorrow, do the same. Thinking beyond that can be overwhelming.

When I tell people I don't drink, they often ask, "For how long?" I tell them I don't have a date or a time frame. I can't say I'll never drink again, because I don't know the future. But I can say with near certainty that I won't drink today. When I hit the sack tonight, no alcohol will have touched my lips. I don't get concerned with anything beyond that.
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Old 07-23-2010, 12:15 AM   #20 (permalink)
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For a really long time I was that race car without breaks, then I started getting sick in the am, would have the nights leftovers to get me going in the morning. 11 days ago I was trying to start my evenings drinking, felt sick as a dog from previous day, and I just couldn't make myself drink anymore. Poured a 1.5 liter bottle of wine down the drain, God it felt good! Good luck Eddie! Sending positive thoughts your way!
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