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Old 04-16-2010, 09:44 PM
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Hi I'm New :)

Hi everyone!

Something possessed me to look up alcoholic message boards. I looked at a few, and something about this board really appealed to me.

I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic, but I'm willing to accept the possibility. Guess, that's a really small first step lol. I've read some of the postings here, and they further my opinion that alcoholics in recovery are some of the strongest, most honest people out there.

I've had some experience with alcoholism. I had a girlfriend that was an alcoholic (but sober). I never drank when we were together, which was for about a year. During that time, I gained an appreciation for the reflection, honesty, and hard work of recovering alcoholics; it's truly admirable. That relationship ended in disaster and I began drinking heavily (starting in the early morning).

Neither of my parents drink, but 3 out of 4 of my grandparents were heavy, heavy drinkers. I heard the gene skips a generation, in which case I'm way up crap's creek.

I had to leave my girlfriend of 2 years due to infidelity. I have been unbelievably depressed, and I drink because it makes me feel better.

It's difficult for me to change, because I am so functional right now (professionally). My career is going great, and I've been admitted to a masters program at the London School of Economics next year. But deep down, I know that I'm using academic and professional perfection to counterbalance personal flaws.

By 9:00 a.m., I'm a six pack deep, have a few glasses of wine at lunch, then have around a half dozen scotches when I get home. I usually wake up around 5:00 a.m. and feel guilty because I know that I could have accomplished more the previous day if I didn't drink. It's really really unhealthy, I know. And that's why I'm here. I can't say that I'm ready to stop, but I am ready to listen and to stop being hardheaded.

Anyway, thanks for reading my long post! I look forward to meeting everyone!
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:32 PM
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"It's difficult for me to change, because I am so functional right now (professionally). My career is going great, and I've been admitted to a masters program at the London School of Economics next year. But deep down, I know that I'm using academic and professional perfection to counterbalance personal flaws."

Hey you!

I can't tell you if you're an alcoholic or not. As it's self-diagnosed. I can tell you that you drink like one and sound like one of our family to me.

When I read the quote above, I went ahead to your profile to get your age. 25. It sent shivers down my spine. You'll often hear people in recovery say things like "I know exactly where I'd end up if I drank, I have no idea what my future holds if I'm sober". For some reason this paragraph in your post reminded me of this. Without sounding weird or all knowing... It's almost like I could truly envision you at 35.

"I know that I'm using academic and professional perfection to counterbalance personal flaws".

This is very wise of you to say. This line is what had me want to find out your age. You're at a crossroads right now. As if your at the age where perhaps you realize that if you continue, then you'll be resigning yourself to one way of living. Then there's this part of you. The one that found our forum.

Alcoholics are complex creatures. I imagine the hard work you put twords studies and work sort of cover up all kinds of things. When work and studies stopped working, then alcohol - maybe (I don't live in your head at all). By over-working and now drinking - All sorts of new problems are going to arise, at lear-jet speed.

You sound very good right now, regardless. :-) I'm very, very, sure that if you continue on the drinking route. The 35 year old to come will be very, very, dark.

Stick around and surprise yourself!
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Old 04-16-2010, 10:36 PM
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Welcome Phoenix Fire

You won't be the first person who's arrived here not sure if they want to stop.
I encourage you to look around, read and post as much as you like

The folks here helped me find my way - I have a great new life now...
I hope we can help you find your way too

D
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Old 04-16-2010, 11:02 PM
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Welcome Phoenix and so glad you want to do something. I am 36 and began drinking at 27 heavily due to personal issues. I can tell you that it came and went and I was functioning at school and at work. When I felt great I was fantastic but when I reflected on the negatives...I turned to the bottle to feel better. My ex husband was a hard core drinker when we first met. The kind who drank all night several times a week and vomited on the way to his finance job. He was a few years younger then me so I marked it off to age. Then I found he was having such a good time and wanted to involve me in his bar hopping adventures that I started and never thought I would have a problem.

My problem developed when I was upset about something and I truly hate the person I become. Down on life and everything. During my divorce it came as such a shock I began pounding the bottle. Didn't know how to cope and felt pretty darn bad. What was wrong with me....how could 9 years just go up in smoke. I had trust issues and sadly did not ask for help. So should've had counseling but instead I drank and then after a heavy weekend of drinking I had my first panic attack. Went to the ER and was sure I was dying. The divorce was so damaging to me mentally since we were still living in the same home we owned and I couldn't see beyond that life so I continued drinking.

I have managed to cut down quite a bit and was never a dangerous drinker. Never thrown out of a bar and basically when I knew I home then I would drink. I like you wish I had all that time back that was lost to my drinking. I was not functional and couldn't get anything accomplished. I developed over the past few years abnormal liver and kidney counts. Blood tests were coming back that I wasn't ok. My wonderful hubby had supported me and I had cut way down but it wasn't enough. One night in January he turned to me and said I don't like who you are when you drink. I said neither do I and I have a problem. I cried and I went cold turkey sober.

I had a relapse this week. Past few weeks started my nasty drink of choice - rum and coke but with stressors in my life and panic attacks back I hit it hard core for about 2 days.

None of it is worth it because now I feel ashamed for falling back into it. Sick as anything and I left down my hubby, friends and myself. I don't know if there is a reason for this but I know I can't regulate the drinking and the question is why do we drink. For me it is to feel good and feel better but in the end I don't.

I wish I had never started years ago and I have unintentionally hurt others with my ways. I know physically can't even tolerate the alcohol and it is a miracle that my health is 100% great.

Wish you the best but I see a lot of myself in what you wrote. Drinking to feel better and usually after some negative event. I used to function perfectly and hid it well but over time people notice and it does affect you.

Huggs and post away my friend!! SR is awesome support.
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Old 04-17-2010, 12:50 PM
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i'm also new here today. something possessed me to look up alcoholic support sites as well - something pretty specific, actually, which is panic attacks after my latest bender. like Kmber2010, the first time i had a withdrawal panic attack, i was certain i was having a heart attack and went to the ER. that was in 2003.

i have continued to drink, off and on, despite the recurring panic attacks, which are now accompanied by convulsions and spasms. addiction is pretty powerful stuff. benzos help, but obviously that is a very poor way to handle the situation. i'm killing myself.

every time i'm in the throes of a severe withdrawal, i promise to never use again. this time i'm sufficiently freaked out that i really hope to stay sober.

like you, phoenix fire, i'm pretty accomplished. i had to stay sober to get through law school at a top institution. i then went to work at various prestigious posts. but once i started drinking again, my career went downhill. i'm still doing pretty well, but nothing like i would be if i had stayed sober. and that's depressing. i also lot several wonderful women because they got tired of dating a drunk. who wouldn't?

give sobriety a try. after a few weeks, you'll notice that you are intellectually sharper, more curious, and your vocabulary and creativity will improve. i wish i'd stopped at 25. i can imagine a much richer life now - a lovely wife and kids, for example. and a job i truly love, instead of one i merely like.

good luck. i wish you the best.
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Old 04-17-2010, 01:03 PM
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I'm new here, myself, but what I've learned from reading people's posts even in this short time has been invaluable. This is a very cool site.

Rev
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Old 04-17-2010, 02:47 PM
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Welcome to SR! If you are having problems because of alcohol, why not give it up completely for a month and see how that goes. If it's hard to stop drinking you might need some type of recovery program to help you. I've been sober now for four months and feel better than ever. I still have problems in my life but am now able to deal with them sober, instead of drinking over them and making everything worse.

I'm glad you joined our recovery family! Lots of support and information here.
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Old 04-17-2010, 06:07 PM
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Phoenix,

Normal drinkers don't drink like you do. Are you alcoholic? Not for me to say, but most people don't start the day with a six pack and end it with as many scotches and glasses of wine for lunch.

Normal drinkers enjoy a drink socially or one or two at home to end the day, not to drown their sorrows.

Normal drinkers don't wonder if they are alcoholic.

You know that.

Can you not drink? Find out.... and you'll find your answer. Don't want to try, hmmm.... red flag. Resignation and acceptance are close but are two different things entirely.

Keep coming back, welcome to SR!

Mark
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Old 04-17-2010, 06:10 PM
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Welcome to you too, quillan

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Old 04-17-2010, 06:16 PM
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Welcome, Phoenix!

I think it's great that you are open to reading the boards and learning.

I hope you continue to read and post and let us know how you're doing.
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Old 04-17-2010, 06:17 PM
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Welcome to the site

Stick around, you might find the answer you're seeking
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Old 04-17-2010, 06:55 PM
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Welcome,

You'll find that alot of us found this site the same way - searching for topics or forums on alcoholism. And most of us were searching because we knew we had a problem.

Nobody can say if you're an alcoholic or not. There are still opposing sides to the hereditary theory or if alcoholism a learned behavior or a bit of both...one thing for sure about my experience...I was functional for a long time before I became dysfunctional in my drinking.

I clung to people who co-signed my nonsense that I wasn't an alcoholic because I had a prestigious job, nice clothes, nice home - those are just exterior things. On the inside, I was an absolute wreck and it was only a matter of time before alcohol began taking all of those exterior things away and I surrendered to the truth.

Alcoholism is progressive, there's no debate about that. Glad you're here. Take a look around and continue posting. I learn something new here every day.
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Old 04-17-2010, 09:15 PM
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quillan, I also used to have panic attacks that I tried to treat with alcohol and benzos. As you can probably guess based on your own experience, all it did was make the rebound attacks worse and more frequent. So then I needed to self-medicate even more. Eventually, with the help of my doctor, I tapered off the benzos and stopped drinking completely, but it was a long and painful process. I never want to go through anything like that again. Do yourself a favor and get off the pills and booze before things get any worse. For real!
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Old 04-17-2010, 09:42 PM
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Phoenix Fire.....

quillan....

Welcome to our recovery community
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Old 04-17-2010, 10:02 PM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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quillan.....I became an alcoholic and I started AA
recovery in D.C. Love the city!

There are so many super meetings in D.C.

My home group meets in Georgetown ..7 days a week.
Attitude & Action ..in those days was mostly singles
I went before work ...on weekends we did all sorts
of interesting things after the early meeting...

The Dupont Circle Club is also very active.

Just in case you are considering AA....it's been an
awesome adventure for me......

I certainly hope you are de toxing with medical
supervision. This can be too dangerous to do
by yourself. And....most ER's know how to assist
you with early withdrawals.
Don't hesitate to go.
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