Welcome Phoenix and so glad you want to do something. I am 36 and began drinking at 27 heavily due to personal issues. I can tell you that it came and went and I was functioning at school and at work. When I felt great I was fantastic but when I reflected on the negatives...I turned to the bottle to feel better. My ex husband was a hard core drinker when we first met. The kind who drank all night several times a week and vomited on the way to his finance job. He was a few years younger then me so I marked it off to age. Then I found he was having such a good time and wanted to involve me in his bar hopping adventures that I started and never thought I would have a problem.
My problem developed when I was upset about something and I truly hate the person I become. Down on life and everything. During my divorce it came as such a shock I began pounding the bottle. Didn't know how to cope and felt pretty darn bad. What was wrong with me....how could 9 years just go up in smoke. I had trust issues and sadly did not ask for help. So should've had counseling but instead I drank and then after a heavy weekend of drinking I had my first panic attack. Went to the ER and was sure I was dying. The divorce was so damaging to me mentally since we were still living in the same home we owned and I couldn't see beyond that life so I continued drinking.
I have managed to cut down quite a bit and was never a dangerous drinker. Never thrown out of a bar and basically when I knew I home then I would drink. I like you wish I had all that time back that was lost to my drinking. I was not functional and couldn't get anything accomplished. I developed over the past few years abnormal liver and kidney counts. Blood tests were coming back that I wasn't ok. My wonderful hubby had supported me and I had cut way down but it wasn't enough. One night in January he turned to me and said I don't like who you are when you drink. I said neither do I and I have a problem. I cried and I went cold turkey sober.
I had a relapse this week. Past few weeks started my nasty drink of choice - rum and coke but with stressors in my life and panic attacks back I hit it hard core for about 2 days.
None of it is worth it because now I feel ashamed for falling back into it. Sick as anything and I left down my hubby, friends and myself. I don't know if there is a reason for this but I know I can't regulate the drinking and the question is why do we drink. For me it is to feel good and feel better but in the end I don't.
I wish I had never started years ago and I have unintentionally hurt others with my ways. I know physically can't even tolerate the alcohol and it is a miracle that my health is 100% great.
Wish you the best but I see a lot of myself in what you wrote. Drinking to feel better and usually after some negative event. I used to function perfectly and hid it well but over time people notice and it does affect you.
Huggs and post away my friend!! SR is awesome support.