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Frustrated...

Old 03-25-2010, 10:11 AM
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tjl
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Frustrated...

My husband of 3 years is a binge drinker. He's always been one but, like most women, I believed after we got married and had a child it would stop. Well, it didn't. It doesn't happen as often, but it still happens. Here's the scenario exactly how it happens everytime: He apologizes, gets depressed, cries and tells me he's going to stop drinking. He'll be good for a couple weeks & things will be great between us and I'll start to trust him again. One day he'll ask to go to a friend's house just to play video games for a few hours on a week night. I'll always tell him "No" b/c he always ends up going to the bars after the gaming ends when the other husbands go home. He then tells me he's been so good and needs to get out of the house and hang with the guys & promises me up & down that he will be home by 11 so he can get enough sleep & get up for work. Then, like clockwork, I wake up in a panic at 2 a.m. wondering where the hell he is. I call him over & over until I hear him trying to unlock the door. He smells like a brewery, I call him out, yell at him for drunk driving, he slurs his words, he sleeps in the basement & I try to go back to sleep (yeah right) before my alarm goes off at 3:45. Then, he calls in sick in the morning & I'm pissed again. This exact thing happens all the time, last night actually and as always, he's at home, not at work. At the moment we are not in the middle of a dryout period. He's drinking quite a bit. I know a big part of the problem is that I haven't stopped drinking. I like to have a few beers on the weekends and I know it just validates his behavior. We've tried just letting him drink with me but he always finds a way to go out on his own eventually. I've tried taking all the money/credit cards away from him but he finds a friend at a bar who will buy him drinks.
I get so jealous when I see couples out having a few drinks and going home. If we do go out, he keeps me out until bar time or it ends in a fight. I know I'm rambling but I'm trying to get it all out. My whole existance seems that I am always "reeling him in." I feel like all I do is try to convince him to stay home & he's always resisting. If he is home all he wants to do is lay in front of the T.V. and sleep, no matter what time it is. I'm left to care for our daughter & get the chores done. It's driving us apart. When things are good they're good but when they're bad...well you know. Since he's not a traditional alcoholic (hiding whiskey bottles) it's hard to tell him he needs help.
So, here I sit, angry. I'm sure I'll go home, he'll throw on the charm and I won't tell him how upset I am b/c I don't want to get in a fight, I'm too tired. I'm at a loss!
There's more but I can get into that later. Thanks for reading.
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Old 03-25-2010, 10:29 AM
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Ann
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Welcome to SoberRecovery, there are many here who share your pain.

Sadly, there is not much you can do to stop his drinking, an alcoholic will always find their next drink.

Have you tried any meetings at Al-anon? That is a 12-step program for those whose lives have been affected by the drinking of another. Many here have found a better way of living through that program, regardless of how their alcoholic is doing.

There is a forum here called Friends and Family of Alcoholics, and many there have shared what works for them. When you feel comfortable, maybe visit a few forums down and take a read, joining in if you want.

My heart goes out to you, that's just no way to live.

Hugs
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Old 03-25-2010, 10:32 AM
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Yes, please post this on the Friends and Family forum. There are many people there who have been where you are and can help you sort out some of this mess in your head. You're not alone, sweetie.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 03-25-2010, 10:37 AM
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tjl
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Thank you replying. What a great website!
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Old 03-25-2010, 11:45 AM
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Hi tjl, and welcome to SR

The Friends of Families Forums as well as Al-Anon, a support group for people who have people in their lives struggling with addiction...were invaluable resources for me when I came here desperate for help for myself and my daughter 3 years ago...

I am glad you found us...you will find lots of experience, strength and hope, here. hugs
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Old 03-25-2010, 12:05 PM
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Just wanted to welcome you to SR also. You've already been referred to the Family and Friends section and to Alanon and so I will just tell you that boy did I see myself in your post. I was the drinker though. My husband would drink with me, but not as far into the night and would cut himself off. Years later he became diabetic, not because of the alcohol, but any ways he quit and I continued. I couldn't have quit had he continued to drink. I know myself. I do know, however, there are others on SR that have quit in a household where alcohol was kept. I can't imagine how hard it would be, but I guess its possible.

This may be a stupid question, but could you give it up until he has some time under his belt? Maybe if you started to lead the lifestyle you wish he would that he might follow. Like I said though, my husband quit drinking a few years ahead of me and so that didn't work in our case. I got sober when I was ready and thankfully still have him and my son in my life.

Sorry for your troubles and I do hope you get the support from here or elsewhere that you deserve. Hugs - Sarah
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Old 03-25-2010, 12:10 PM
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Since he's not a traditional alcoholic...

There's no such thing as a 'traditional' alcoholic. It's not WHAT you drink or HOW MUCH or HOW OFTEN, it's what happens when you drink. Sounds like he's in a bad way, especially if he's driving drunk. One accident and his/your whole life can be changed in an instant, and not for the better.

Please do check out the F and F forum. Lots of support and information there.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 03-25-2010, 01:10 PM
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I read your post about the "traditional alcoholic"...and wanted to reiterate the alcoholics come in all different forms...I NEVER hid the booze, I drank right in my kitchen and living room, in front of everyone...(although I never left the house and got into my car to drive in the middle of it).

it sounds like your husband is straining to get out and away from his family to indulge his passion of partying...protect yourself and your child, he's causing you unneeded stress and strain....how would he feel if YOU left him to do all the parenting and running the household and family by himself? you might ask him that when he is sober.
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Old 03-25-2010, 03:05 PM
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I was a lot like your husband and my wife thought all the same things. The only difference was on the days I didn't drink, I was a model husband, father, and all-american guy. But the 3-5 days a week I drank, watch out. I drank to get drunk. IMO, he needs to find his bottom. My wife, best friend, and a few other well intentioned friends and family members tried all sorts of tactics to get me to quit. Keeping me away from it didn't work. Ultimatums didn't work. Leaving me alone at the bar didn't work. My favorite local bar even tried to help. Nothing did. My bottom was waking up passed out in front of my son sitting quietly over me after blacking out following a nasty fight with my best friend and groping a couple of female friends did the trick. It was at that moment I realized I could lose everyone and everything I cared about and I needed to make a change. I quit cold turkey and haven't had a drink in 3 months and although it's still a struggle, I feel much better and have begun the process of repairing a lot of damaged relationships. It won't be easy on you or your husband, but it is worth the pain and far better than another daylong hangover.
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Old 03-25-2010, 03:50 PM
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I wonder why people keep thinking that once they marry someone somehow the person they marry will change into a different person. I'm sorry this is what you're dealing with. There's no such thing as a traditional alcoholic.. in fact that definition has kept a lot of alcoholics who didn't fit it, drunk, and dying for many many years.

My husband made a few comments about "missing" me as a drinker, because yah, we'd party and have a blast... other than the fact that continuing drinking would KILL me. He got over missing the drunk me in his own time.. Non-alcoholics do not and will not understand alcoholism.

He will quit drinking when and if he wants. How you accept or not accept that in your life is what is totally within your control. Please ask the folks in the Friends and Family section for some support, and take care of YOU and any children involved.
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Old 03-25-2010, 11:14 PM
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I know this is hard to hear, but you can't take this behavior from him personally. He's not doing it to annoy you, he's doing it because he is gripped in an addiction, including the denial that is a hallmark of it.

You need to take care of yourself and your kids emotionally. You didn't make him start drinking. And you cannot make him stop. You married a man with a drinking problem. All the pleading and reeling him in won't stop it until and unless he gets to a point where he wants to be sober more than he wants to continue this self destructive pattern of drinking. That may happen tomorrow, or never. The question is, how will you handle both of these options?
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Old 03-26-2010, 04:09 AM
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I remember telling my husband that he knew I drank alot when he met and married me........and he said "Yeah, but I didn't know it would be so hard"

Those words still ring through my mind......and the pain, hurt and embarrassment I have caused him over the years but he could not get me to quit drinking, I had to be ready in my own mind and heart!!

I can feel your pain and frustration in your words! There is so much support and wonderful information on SR, I hope you can find a solution!! Taking care of YOU and your daughter is the most important!!
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