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Just ramberling

Old 03-01-2010, 01:28 PM
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Just ramberling

I don't know where to start, I've not logged on for a while but I guess I kinda want advice? Do I though? I am not sure what I want to be honest, I feel like I can't carry on like I have been, even though I am "slightly" better than what I was, lol, I can so see the denial written in that sentence.

The "slightly" better really means I can drink as much if not more but with out so many concequences, giving me the false sense of security that I am ok :/

I don't even know why I am typing this, probably the fact that it's 8pm and I have already drank half a bottle of vodka, oh and a few ciders I had midday, I really don't want to go to the shop for more, well I do, but I am thinking whats the point? Will I actually feel better if I keep drinking?

Aghh I dunno, I have such bad cravings for more right now, but part of me, I guess the part thats writing this is saying why, why do you want more.

I seriously can't imagine my life without alcohol, I have drank since I was 14 I am 39 next month, I certainly wouldn't be typing here if I hadn't had some, I can't talk to people without a drink in me. I don't want to die from alcohol, but I don't know any other way to be

I have no idea what I expect people to say to this post, but at least while I was typing it I wasn't on the way to the shop for more!
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Old 03-01-2010, 01:49 PM
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Sax - I am glad you came to SR. It isn't easy to post here and its not because of the people here either. I think alcoholism has a great deal of power over you right now.

- You say you can't imagine life without it.

- Things aren't so bad except that you are drinking more then before but without the consequences.

- You have cravings for even more. We all crave more Sax. We all do.

All these statements and more are your addict voice talking. You know you want to quit because otherwise you wouldn't have logged on at this moment.

What method of stopping have you tried yet? How long have you been able to go? Have you tried any meetings where you would be able to get some phone numbers of people to call in order to help you through the tough craving moments. I have seen people recover without AA and face to face meetings, but some do incredible with that kind of support also. I wouldn't rule anything out.

It is your life and we want you to live and not die because of this. You so can do this.

I started drinking in early high school if not middle school. I can't recall the exact date and I am sure that's a condition of my wrecked brain through this. My memory is absolute rubbish. My point is I drank most of my life and I am 43 years old. If I could give it up then so can you. There are many, many on SR that have been even further down that road, but have made it Sax. Don't ever give up!! We are here for you.

I am glad you posted and by the way, I am one of those people that felt very, very uncomfortable in social situations and that's what led me on this drinking journey. I started in school because I was so shy and would not enjoy myself at parties because of my shyness. Put a few drinks in me and I became a ridiculous clown, but I didn't see it that way. So sad but true. Even back in the beginning the alcohol did me no favors.
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Old 03-01-2010, 02:07 PM
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I'm in a similar place as you Sax. I've pretty much given up the binge drinking that was a problem and the pot that was the biggest problem. These are good things, and a massive improvment from where I was this time last year, when I was drinking about a half liter of whiskey or rum a night and a couple ounces of weed a week.

However, I've "tested the waters", so to speak, a couple of times in the last couple of weeks, going out with friends. I've never really considered "social drinking" to really be a problem for me, but I've found that both times I went out, I drank more than I intended to. So I still need some work there.

The best thing I can suggest is, even if you aren't honest with anyone here, at least be honest with yourself. I know sometimes that is the hardest person to be honest with!! Don't begrudge yourself of the progress you've made, but be realistic about where you are and what your goals truly are. I've always found a cost/benifit analysis to be helpful. Look at the positives of drinking (helps you be more social, like the buzz, etc.) as well as the negatives (health issues, problems in your personal or professional life, legal issues) and see how things stack up.

I have the same issues as you do as far as socializing without alcohol. I've avoided most social situations for the last several months because I wasn't drinking. Now I've accepted the "social drinking" and am not happy with the results. Something has to give. I hope some of this helps, I'm sure you will get a number of other opinions as well. Take care.
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Old 03-01-2010, 02:19 PM
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Welcome back Sax

I spent years where you are - basically hoping that 'things would fix themselves'.
They never did.

Eventually I acted - but not until I lost a lot of the things that were dear to me, and not until it was almost too late.

I'm glad to see you back posting - it means you've not given up

Keep posting Sax - there really is a ton of support here

D
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Old 03-01-2010, 02:31 PM
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Taming the beast is Hard,
I always find once on a binge of sorts,and halfway to oblivion ie under the influence..like a couple of beers or so earlier..set me on for a run of booze to follow on, was always extremely hard with drink in my system tryin to rationalize and retake control..From the alcoholic mindset that was already in motion..I used to find it was days or weeks,before i came to a window of being able to make that break to a fresh stop..as it were, no matter how many years of imagining i could control.switch on and off..when i chose...willy nilly,never happened,no matter how i wanted to convince myself i can.. This is a guy a few days in been exactly were you are, Once in its grip i find almost impossible to stop..Until that window comes along...
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Old 03-01-2010, 04:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Saxony View Post
but at least while I was typing it I wasn't on the way to the shop for more!
= self awareness = decision you made = first steps = a beginning.

= Congratulations!
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Old 03-01-2010, 06:02 PM
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Always lovely to see you, my friend. As you already know, I was like Dee - spent many years in the same state that you're in now. I suffer from social anxiety and always felt better with a few drinks, too. As I continued drinking heavily, though, I didn't want to bother with anyone - I was more isolated than ever in the end. It isn't how you feel now that's so much of a concern - but the way you'll feel years down the line if your drinking continues to progress.

I'm glad you came back to share your thoughts - you are doing some thinking about your situation and that's always good. I didn't ever do that while still in my 30's - I was in complete denial and just kept on increasing the amount I drank to try and feel something - anything! In the end, I was just numb & lifeless.

Please keep talking to us - we care about you.
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Old 03-01-2010, 06:32 PM
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Sober is another way to be, and so so much better than drinking. Saves money, eliminates risk and problems and accidents. I've gone back and forth too, but finally surrendered to my alcoholism. I will not fight it anymore cause it will always win. "Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."
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Old 03-01-2010, 06:40 PM
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Good to see you again ...
Welcome back to SR

Why not share how you decided to use
your Avatar? As I recall...it's a powerful story
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:08 PM
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Hi Saxony,

Welcome back!

I'm glad you thought of us and decided to come back here and post.

Please know that there is hope and you can find a way to live without alcohol.
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Old 03-01-2010, 07:37 PM
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least,

"Strange game. The only winning move is not to play."

Good line, and so true.
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Old 03-02-2010, 02:38 AM
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Thanks for all your kind words.

It's morning now, feeling kinda down. I didn't go and get anymore last night, not quite sure how I managed that as usually I would have.

Deep down I know I have to stop, I know I am in denial about my alcoholism. I tend to lose sight of that though after a couple of days of not drinking, though those days are pretty few and far between.

I think thats why I probably came back here, I know from past experiences that I need to come here and read and post, amongst other things, I can't just keep ignoring the problem and hope it goes away on it's own, I know thats not going to happen.

Carol, you mentioned my avatar, it seems so long ago when I came here and posted that story, well it probabbly was, I'd have to check but guessing probably 3 years or more. I do remember from that time though I had hope and spirituality. At present I don't seem to have either of those things, I'm just existing.

Anyway, just ramberling again really, I'm going to stick around here for a while see if I can get some of that hope back.
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Old 03-02-2010, 06:08 AM
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The story of your white feather still has meaning, Sax. Everything can still be turned around - hope never dies.
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Old 03-02-2010, 06:18 AM
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Sax,

In the words of Zeppelin, "Ramble on"......

I do the same when Im on the out. Its comforting. Lots of good folks here for support.

Hang in there and get better.

Intro
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Old 03-03-2010, 03:18 AM
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Day 2

Originally Posted by Introvrtd1 View Post

In the words of Zeppelin, "Ramble on"......

Ok

Well, yesterday was pretty tough, lots of depression and anxiety, but I also did lots or reading and thinking. I know I have to make this work, I also know I have said similar things many many times before and I know many people are going to say or at least think, so what are you going to do different this time. I'm not sure as to the answer to that one yet but I'm working on it. First off I think I might just come here and ramble some each morning or as the need arises.

Though feeling pretty foggy right now so thats all my ramberlings for this morning.
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Old 03-03-2010, 01:03 PM
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Hi Sax glad you're back.Please keep rambling... forward.
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Old 03-03-2010, 03:08 PM
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'Just for today I will not drink'

"That's The Way"
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Old 03-03-2010, 03:50 PM
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Saxony, it's good to see you back again. I wish I was in your position.
I really do.
Not the position of still drinking. I'm loving that I finally quit. I wish I was in my 30's realizing how big a problem drinking really is because then maybe I would have quit earlier. You know it's a big problem. That's why you came back.

You say you can't imagine your life without alcohol. That's the alcoholic part talking. You know on a given night you might have that thought that says...wow, I'm really going to regret tonight when tomorrow get's here but hell, it's too late now so I might as well enjoy the rest of the night and keep drinking.
Well, you're having that same thought on a more grand scale. You're thinking ....well, I drank from 14 to 39 so my life is all effed up now so I can't imagine stopping.

Guess what, it's a big alcoholic lie. I had the same thoughts and waited longer but finally quit. Life gets better. You get to be yourself instead of that alcoholic. You see the world differently after a while. It's worth waiting for....it's doesn't happen overnight.

Don't fall for that big lie, Sax.
You will like the truth once you take the time and effort to peel back the layers of disguises.

Grab a hand and we'll help pull you through.
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